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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell DP to get public transport and go home

395 replies

cakedup · 06/06/2020 07:57

DP is usually great but not so much when he has had a drink.

He kept telling me to fuck off when we were in bed last night so I slept on the sofa. Then this morning he came and started on me because I was on the sofa and he said it was weird the cats were sleeping on me. He kept going on and said it's over between us but I know he doesn't mean that. He kept mimicking me and then accused me of crocodile tears. I couldn't stand it any longer so I went out for a walk, luckily he was asleep when I got back.

It's going to be unbearable today. He will carry on being a dick until he sobers up and then he will apologise profusely. I just want to be left alone today but feel I'm stuck unless he takes the tube to his house, I can't ask him to do that can I?

OP posts:
GingerWit · 07/06/2020 18:04

He doesn't give a damn how you feel. He doesn't give a damn about you at all.

You are totally ignoring this fact and just making excuses for him, because you don't want to face reality - This man is abusive and an abuser. He's an alcoholic. If you're so bothered about him getting ill on the train, then the best thing you can do for him is put him into rehab and get him off the drink.

Get rid of him, stop enabling him, put yourself 1st, love yourself, stop making excuses for him. This is not OK.

Taliya · 07/06/2020 18:07

After reading some of your replies to comments it seems like you are desperate to hold onto this relationship at the detriment to yourself. Do not make excuses for him. This does not sound like a loving relationship. He is verbally abusive to you and you just take it. He could become physically abusive to you . Tell him to leave, say you need your own space for a while, change your locks and end the relationship and let close family know why you are doing it and get some support from them . You sound fearful and blaming yourself for his abusive behaviour. Very sad and I hope you are ok.

clarehhh · 07/06/2020 18:07

Do it he can’t come back as would break lockdown

Commonwasher · 07/06/2020 18:12

I think you need to give him the elbow.

Not read the whole thread but nobody deserves to be treated like that in their own home.

Crunchetta · 07/06/2020 18:13

This is abuse, he is abusing you! Why would you want to stay with someone who is treating you like this? He sounds like a complete cock, this is standard text book abuse, you need to get this twat out of your life for GOOD!

Caelan2018 · 07/06/2020 18:16

Fuck him out and don’t ever let him in again who does this guy think he is you slept on the couch in your own house are you serious?

You deserve so much better

CambsAlways · 07/06/2020 18:20

Oh what a waste of space, he says it’s over he ridicules you’re taste in music, he’s a real laugh a minute isn’t it, tell him yep it’s over pack his bags kick him out and tell him to go, what a bloody poor excuse for a man, y do u put up with this shit, kick him to the curb, and live your life

Julz1622 · 07/06/2020 18:21

All I see is you mailing excuses for him..it's clear no matter what he does you aren't going to ask him to leave, so not sure the point of this post.

Julz1622 · 07/06/2020 18:21

*making

AntiguaAnnana15 · 07/06/2020 18:22

I really don't know why you bother to ask for advice.

You make it quite clear you are not going to give up on this abusive relationship.

Lets hop DS does not pick up these habits, but I guess you would make excuses for him too as you would have shown him how men are supposed to act. God help us all with this stupid attitude.

Localocal · 07/06/2020 18:32

If he isn't living with you he shouldn't be in your home anyway. There isn't much point in worrying about one trip on the Tube when you are already breaking the rules. And if he does live with you and you are kicking him out for good (which you should definitely do) he is ok to travel on the Tube because you are allowed to move house. Get him out of your house today and don't let him back in no matter how many tearful promises he makes.

BengalGal · 07/06/2020 18:32

I hope you got him out and are ok. He sounds a lot like a covert narcissist. They are the most dangerous sort. They love bomb and begin abuse slowly. They are the sort that, when coupled with psychopathology, can end up killing their spouses or minimally dumping them in the most painful way possible. They have the mask of the good guy but the reality is an abuser. There is a YouTube cite called liveabusefree that might be helpful. The cat stuff is worrying. I hope you are safe and he is gone.

Mere1 · 07/06/2020 18:33

I agree entirely AntiguaAnnana15
You cannot share your life with a man who is repeatedly belittling you and openly abusive. Get rid of him for your son, if not for yourself.

Thinkingabout1t · 07/06/2020 18:41

OP, like everyone else says -- don't let him stay. He is abusing you already and the longer he stays the worse it will get. (Possibly in cycles of abuse, then whining apologies and promises to reform, then abuse, then apologies etc etc etc.)
Being drunk isn't an excuse: if he becomes abusive he shouldn't drink.

This is terrible for DS too, and he shouldn't be exposed to it. Please get this man out as soon as possible.

Fudgemonkeys · 07/06/2020 18:44

You deserve better!! Ask him to leave and get the keys so he can't come back. Alcohol, or drugs, is not an excuse to treat you like that.

CherryStoneTree · 07/06/2020 18:49

OP, I hope today has gone well and you’re safe.
What everyone else has said, this isn’t a nice man, he is showing you he true colours whilst drunk, he knows what he is doing by stopping as your DS walk into the room. I promise you that your DS is already aware of what is going on, and the poster that said about your DS coming to your defence one day is sadly accurate as well.

I hope he’s left today and you have a good hug with your cats and DS.

Nawal99 · 07/06/2020 18:58

Of course you can, many people take the tube to go to work everyday...he can also yake a cab..
I don't want to judge, but please take the time go think about this relationship and how episodes like this affect your wellbeing and mental health..
Take care

TriciaH · 07/06/2020 19:03

This screams toxic and abusive. Send him packing permanently you can do better than some one who is nasty to you in your own home. If he won't leave call the police to remove him.

yyz112 · 07/06/2020 19:07

Don't ask him anything, tell him to f..k off.

Heismyopendoor · 07/06/2020 19:11

Op, how are you doing?

jentinquarantino20 · 07/06/2020 19:14

That mask that’s slipped can be put right back on for the tube. All I suggest is have someone there when he leaves to protect you. My ex kicked my hamsters cage across the street with the hamster in it when’s when we was waiting to be picked up. My daughter was distraught, as was I. He chooses to act like a prick when drunk x

Faeryfly · 07/06/2020 19:19

I’ve been where you are.
They make you believe their abuse if your fault. They make you think they are genuinely sorry for what they have said.
They make you think of you just change this one thing, stop seeing that one person that annoys them, stop dressing that way as it provokes them, it will all be ok. It’s your fault you see.

Thing is. IT ISN’T. Not one tiny little bit. You shouldn’t have to change anything about you to stop someone abusing you. It’s the 1st step to controlling you and when they fully control you. You are theirs to do as they see fit and that will eventually include physical abuse and rape (when he wants sex and you don’t in a relationship, is still rape)

He will scream and shout at you and make you feel like you are being the unreasonable one when you tell him to leave but if you let him stay he’s won and the abuse will only get worse.

Please. Get help. Have someone there to support you when you tell him to leave. If you think he will get violent ask the police to be there.

You do not have to live with this. No one has to live with this.

Jigsawpuzzles · 07/06/2020 19:32

Sorry but you are not like soppy teens, you are like a naive teenage girl. He is like a man who knows that he can day whatever he wants so long as he’s nice the next day, because that’s all you need to forget what he did him being nice for 5 seconds.
I get what you mean about being nasty to DSmum more than you hurting, what you have to see if that your relationship is teaching your son how to behave as a man. So as a parent that alone should get you to get rid of him, 2 years is no time so bin him off. Block his number and tell your mum and dad (as they are family friends) that you have split because he is not treating you right. Chances are everybody knows what he’s like but don’t say anything because you seem happy. Admitting this is wrong is the first step and you’ve done that so well done. I have been in this position myself just over 2 years ago and you will not believe how much easier it gets so quickly. You deserve someone who is always lovely to you, everybody does. People argue sure but saying words to hurt each other like that repeatedly just boils down to abuse and the fact he does actually think it 💐💐

Jojomary13 · 07/06/2020 19:43

Putting a message on here is a really brave step. I think deep down you know his behaviour is abusive and hopefully seeing that other people agree will make you feel validated and realise it is not ok. You don’t want to live like that for the rest of your life. Send him home and don’t let him back in. Don’t waste anymore weeks, months or years on someone who has no respect for you. Well done for making a step forward and addressing that there is a problem. You are worth more than that xx

smilingontheinside · 07/06/2020 19:45

Does anyone else have visions of the op waking up sometime in the future to find her cats have disappeared/died with her partner sitting on the sofa smirking. Anyone threaten my animals (or make comments that would make me think they could) would be out the door never to return.