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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell DP to get public transport and go home

395 replies

cakedup · 06/06/2020 07:57

DP is usually great but not so much when he has had a drink.

He kept telling me to fuck off when we were in bed last night so I slept on the sofa. Then this morning he came and started on me because I was on the sofa and he said it was weird the cats were sleeping on me. He kept going on and said it's over between us but I know he doesn't mean that. He kept mimicking me and then accused me of crocodile tears. I couldn't stand it any longer so I went out for a walk, luckily he was asleep when I got back.

It's going to be unbearable today. He will carry on being a dick until he sobers up and then he will apologise profusely. I just want to be left alone today but feel I'm stuck unless he takes the tube to his house, I can't ask him to do that can I?

OP posts:
Orchidflower1 · 06/06/2020 19:47

@cakedup how are you doing?

Cherrysoup · 06/06/2020 19:56

Kick him out. You deserve better and don’t think your ds doesn’t know what’s going on, presumably he’s not deaf or stupid?

Happynow001 · 06/06/2020 20:42

Only yesterday we kept telling each other how much we are in love. We are like soppy teens most of the time. He wants to get married.

@cakedup please, please value yourself better than this. This man is treating you like a doormat and you are making excuses for him - or are you a bit frightened of him? I'm willing to bet that your DS does know what's going on - he's 15 but even at an earlier age he'd know.

Why would you actually marry someone who has no respect for you (or, actually your son, given how he behaves in your son's home). Would you really make this person your son's stepfather?

I really hope you've managed to get him out and that you and your son are OK. And once he's gone please change the locks if he has keys, and seriously think about not taking him back.

I know this is hard but you and your son deserve better than this.

Windyatthebeach · 06/06/2020 20:47

My abusive ex hated my 2 dcats. One night I stayed out til 11 pm at a party and that night only 1 dcat was home...
Imo ex did something to him.
Wish I had Ltb sooner.

Jeremyironsnothing · 07/06/2020 00:54

Op?

Euclid · 07/06/2020 01:50

OP please come back and tell us that you are OK. I hope that you threw this ghastly man out and can be safe and happy with your DS.

MsDogLady · 07/06/2020 03:11

This man abuses alcohol and abuses you. Your son is living in a toxic home and your pets may be at risk.

OP, please stop enabling this entitled loser. End things and get him out of your home asap.

Purpleartichoke · 07/06/2020 04:19

I’ve said this before and I will sadly say it again. Your child knows. 100% guarantee, regardless of age, your child knows about the alcoholic abuse.

You can mitigate the damage by getting this person out of your child’s life. This man doesn’t even live with you. Pack his things and tell him to leave.

Ritascornershop · 07/06/2020 04:42

Alcohol is a disinhibtor. He says these things when drunk because he thinks they when sober but doesn’t say them.

Mocking your partner is emotional abuse.

He’s very unlikely to catch Covid from one Tube trip Hmm

Rainbo83 · 07/06/2020 17:26

It will get worse.
Call
Freephone National Domestic Abuse Helpline - 0808 2000 247 - Refuge
Have been there and it goes from verbal abuse to pushing to worse.
Drink is not the problem it is an excuse.
Big hugs

Whycantibeapuppy · 07/06/2020 17:33

If this was the first time I’d say okay give it another go. But it’s not the first time. It’s consistent behaviour. He sounds like an abusive and manipulate person and you need him out for your own sanity. He’s toxic. The two personalities are unfortunately a sign of him being an abuser

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 07/06/2020 17:37

he has said its over between you.
WTF is he still doing in your home?
If he doesn't fancy the tube, he can walk/get the bus/get a cab - not your problem.
Personally I'd have kicked him out rather than relocate to sleep on the sofa.
He sounds a dick; tell him to leave, crack open the champagne.

Littlepoppet1 · 07/06/2020 17:38

Hope you’re okay OP

Xanadu44 · 07/06/2020 17:38

I have just logged on for the first time in an age to just say that I hope you’re ok. You don’t need to be with someone who treats you like this and disregards your feelings entirely. Think about how sad he makes you feel.

1doctorwhofan · 07/06/2020 17:39

I hope you are ok op!

myblackboots · 07/06/2020 17:40

If you decide to kick him out (which would be my advice), could you ask a family member or friend to come round just before you tell him to leave? Appreciate they won’t be able to come in but just knowing there’s someone at the front door looking out for you may give you courage and hopefully your DP won’t want to lose face and will go quietly. His behaviour’s not going to improve and if you do nothing, you’re signalling that’s ok. You deserve better and so does your son. Hope you’re ok

Taliya · 07/06/2020 17:42

Yes, tell him to go home. You don't give much back ground information but if he is treating you like this (drunk or not) then it's probably best to call it a day and finish the relationship. There is no excuse for him behaving like this and treating you like this. Sounds like he may want to end the relationship anyway. You deserve better than to be treated like this.

deandra · 07/06/2020 17:42

You are not responsible for him. Stop making excuses, kick him to the kerb.

Shell4429 · 07/06/2020 17:44

It sounds like coercive control. His issue with the cat is that you’re daring to give it attention when he should be getting it. It doesn’t matter when it started. You have to tell him it’s either alcohol or you. Then tell him to leave if he doesn’t agree.

deandra · 07/06/2020 17:45

It can be very difficult to deal with an aggressive drunk. Letting or hoping he'd sleep it off is not a bad idea.

ToftyAC · 07/06/2020 17:45

Rule 8 of drinking. Drunken words are sober truths. He does not deserve you. Your DS will know (I know from experience) and he’ll turn on him and your pets if you carry on. There are far better men out there.

DanceItOut · 07/06/2020 17:47

OP I am with you. My DH and I had issues, not the same as yours but ones that left me feeling like he didn’t love me or our children at all. Then the next minute he obviously realises he has pushed his luck too far and is buying us things and acting lovely. Then two days later back to issues again. He no longer lives here. I still love him and it hurts. But my children and I feel more relaxed in our own home than we have for a long time. Your DP KNOWS that he verbally abuses you when he is drunk and yet despite saying he loves you drinks too much anyway and does it again. Tell him to leave. You can do it and it will be hard but you will be better for it. Either he will wise up and realise that he cannot drink like that anymore and prove he can change and come back to you or he won’t and you will be better off for him being gone.

thatmakesmehappy · 07/06/2020 17:48

@cakedup

He will always apologise profusely for his behaviour, always ashamed when he sobers up and often can't remember what he has said/done
This is how it starts...

You’ve reminded me of this:
Got Flowers Today

I got flowers today. It wasn't my birthday or any other special day. We had our first argument last night. He said a lot of cruel things that really hurt me. I know he was sorry and didn't mean the things he said. Because I got flowers today.

I got flowers today. It wasn't our anniversary or any other special day. Last night, he threw me into a wall and started to choke me. It seemed like a nightmare. I couldn't believe it was real. I woke up this morning sore and bruised all over. I know he must be sorry Because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today. It wasn't Mother's Day or any other special day. Last night, he beat me up again. And it was much worse than all other times. If I leave him, what will I do? How will I take care of my kids? What about money? I' m afraid of him and scared to leave. But I know he must be sorry Because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today. Today was a very special day. It was the day of my funeral. Last night he finally killed me. He beat me to death.

If only I had gathered enough courage and strength to leave him, I would not have gotten flowers today.

This poem is dedicated to all the victims and survivors of Domestic Violence.

You ask, why didn't she leave?

I ask, why did he hit?

Angiemum24 · 07/06/2020 17:58

Get rid off him. No one should treat you like that drink or not!

Rowan8 · 07/06/2020 18:00

I’m wondering if this is a taunt Mumsnet piece. I simply can not believe anyone would put up with this from someone who doesn’t even live with a “partner”... this truly is another frightening level if it is and no wonder men carry on being abusive if these situations happen. Everyone out there who finds themselves in similar circumstances please ask someone for help.