Just given husband some home truths

[Happy0]

I've had a lovely day, our daughter is happy playing and my husband comes home from work moaning. He said he feels like he gets up, goes to work, comes home, makes dinner, clears up, watches TV while eating junk food then goes to bed. He's said this a few times before and I've always been supportive. Tonight, I said to him that he has plenty of time after dinner and maybe he should do something productive to feel better. He carried on moaning so I told him if he feels his life has no meaning that's his fault and to do something about it. He's now sulking. He said due to the lockdown he has nothing to look forward too and then had the cheek to ask what me and DD did this afternoon and when I said we went for a walk he replied is that all?!.
Am I BU for telling him to get a grip?

He didnt like the portions so HE DECIDED he was doing the cooking

Sounds like your dh needs a bit of a shake up. People do get bored and fed up, especially at this time.

Is there anyway you could go back to work full time and your dh part time? You could then split the jobs etc. Might give your dh the push he needs to make some changes.

Is your DH going "out" to work each day. If he is then have you even considered that working outside the home at the moment can be pretty tough mentally (and physically). In my job we have no cleaner because she's shielding so we do our normal jobs then have to clean and sanitise everywhere. We have the constant stress of keeping us and others who come into our building safe. That in itself can drag you down mentally so I feel for your DH to be honest.

I'm a single mum. Me and the kids eat at 5.30pm (for days I work til 5pm the slow cooker is my friend) , they play from 6pm while I clean the kitchen, dining room, living room, at 6.30pm they either have a bath or I do piano lessons with DD, teeth brush pyjamas and story at 7pm, in bed for 7.30pm. DS still needs settling a bit so I don't usually come away til 8pm. I may do a few more chores like laundry/tidying. By 8.30pm I have my feet up with Netflix on or a book in my hand and a tidy house.

Now that's completely alone, with 2 (not undemanding) kids, no help from a OH. And I'm teaching fecking piano for my sins. I know people's kids vary and some may take longer to settle for bed or won't play, but I wonder what on earth some of you with no jobs (unlike the OP) and a partner at home are doing which means you don't sit down til 9pm. Are you cooking a Christmas dinner every day?!

And BTW I find that routine much easier than when I had a whingey OH at home interfering (but not helping) and using the best part of the evening to tell me how about his mid life crisis fed up he is of his boring life where nothing is good enough for him.

It is so draining to live with someone who is perpetually unhappy with their lot, yet can book a holiday or trip away with mates they can easily afford but won't because they don't like to spend money on unnecessary things.

I think if this set up worked for you he wouldnt be moaning so you need to look at it again. In his head youve been out for a nice leisurely walk whilst he has been at work an coming back to prepare tea. We have a similar set up DP 35hrs me 26 both WFH so set up may differ slightly and we have 2 kids and one is a toddler. We take turns to cook 1 night each. Do a food shop each a week. Both tidy up wash pots put clothes in wash ect. I do more cleaning jobs toilets windows ect and he does DIY. Either one of us will plan a day out and making a picnic and packing the car is max an hours job. We are a team, you are a team but you sound very much divided.

Is he upset because there are no more outings planned by you for his entertainment thanks to the lockdown?

Or has the lockdown itself had a negative effect on his mood?

Does he not read? Play minecraft or some other game? Listen to music?

If he is cooking every day and the never ending nature of that is bothering him, maybe he should batch cook and the two of you could invest in a freezer.

People would be astounded that I'm on mat leave and my dh cooks every other night, does washing, feeds pets, baths baby, has a job. Shocking I know. Even more shocking when I was a single parent I did everything alone, no dad in the picture at all. I had hobbies, how incredible is that.

Isn’t this a bit more existential than moaning about housework ? Feeling bored and unproductive is sort of normal at the moment, as is finding motivation to take up a new hobby? My husband and I both moan a bit about our current routine, buts it’s not really about anything specific, just a general trapped feeling. I’m not sure splitting dinner making will make much difference.

I'm a single parent so I have to do it all, all the time. It IS tedious. It's relentless and I often feel like the OP's dh.

Everyone needs a break from the grind. And packing up for days out and nice trips hasn't exactly been a thing for about 3 months op so I'd say you have some spare capacity right now!

plan days out; this includes packing car up night before/ making sure there's petrol

This is one of my favourite 'bulk it up a bit' jobs I've heard on here 😂😂😂 along with the usual 'life admin' that normally gets thrown in.

Yeah, shes so lazy she works 20 hours a week, does all the childcare, all of the housework, handles all finances, diy, gardening and any family activities
I'm confused. DH does all the gardening too in our household, it is definitely not a daily task. He does it for a couple of hours during the weekend, all he does during the week is water if it hadn't rain which take 15mns at most.

Housework during the week takes about an hour a day, less when we are working, if you exclude evening meal and clean up.

Finances? What needs doing? All bills direct debit, so besides checking bank account and the very occasional task I don't see how this daily time consuming duty.

Childcare? Surely it's s privilege to be able to spend quality time with your child, not a chore?

So yes, it does sound like OP has it very good. For her to then berates her OH...mmmm, not looking good for the future of the relationship.

ignoring the part where OP says she does all the cleaning, laundry, gardening, diy etc in addition to working 20 hours and looking after a small child?

She also says they share jobs at weekends. So basically OP is saying while DH is at work, and she's not she looks after their child and does some housework. The overall division of jobs actually sounds pretty equal. But it might be an idea to shuffle them up a bit if DH is finding his life pretty samey. As I said upthread, I think OP cooking at least sometimes in the evening, while DH spends 1-1 time with his DD after work might be a good move that benefits everyone.

I've been doing all the food shopping since we've been in lockdown (weekly shop). Yesterday DH said he'd do it this week. I don't even mind shopping per se, but I was surprised how pleased I was that I get a week off doing it!

He said he feels like he gets up, goes to work, comes home, makes dinner, clears up, watches TV while eating junk food then goes to bed.
He carried on moaning so I told him if he feels his life has no meaning that's his fault and to do something about it. He's now sulking. He said due to the lockdown he has nothing to look forward to

This sounds like someone who is really unhappy, possibly to the point wheee they would benefit from talking to their gp about their mental health.

I can’t imagine just telling my dh to get a grip. It sounds like you need a conversation about a fairer split of chores and what you can do as a team to make life better for both of you. Cooking every night after work when somebody else has already made a meal for themselves is pretty miserable.

I thought the ops point was this:
Husband moaning continuously that he doesn't have anything to do because of lockdown.
Yet he is amazed that the op has the same problem!
Regardless of who does the childcare etc everyone has had mother lives dramatically changed.
Yet here is an adult who is moaning, far enough, but doesn't have the mental capacity to understand that others are in the same boat.

Childcare? Surely it's s privilege to be able to spend quality time with your child, not a chore?

It’s also absolutely draining and monotonous, especially during lockdown.

Childcare isn’t a chore, but nor is it easy.

Also the number of parents who are moaning about having to spend time with their children is astounding.
It's awful.
Ffs stop having children if you can't enjoy spending time with them.
SHAPS do it all the time.
Why doesn't he come home and after eating sit and play, read etc etc with his child and wife.
If me annoyed if I were the polish too.
God forbid: a father hard to spend time with his own child. Call the cops.
Yes it pisses me off and quite frankly, I would welcome a time where people like this stop having kids.
It is preventable.
Rant over.

Those pearls you’re clutching choking you @emilybrontescorsett?

She works 20 hours a week and does all the cleaning and childcare, DH's contribition is to do the cooking.

Someone hasn't read OP's posts properly. He does the cooking and clearing up after dinner, every night. Clearing up of necessity will involve cleaning the kitchen and, potentially the dining table, plus washing up. He also does the food shopping, and shares the work at weekends.

Dh key worker and I'm furloughed at present.

He's been working ridiculous hours as his firm are furloughing staff they actually need so yes ripping off the scheme but that's another story

I'm helping my two dc with home schooling,doing all house stuff,been busy sorting the garden out,organising and cooking tea,and shock horror also doing a pack up for dh as he's so knackered after 16 hour days.

In Normal times we take it in turns to cook,we always food shop together,we just work as a team that's how it is.

I deal with all the finances etc as that's what I'm good at and enjoy but dh has renovated our house and does all decorating and diy etc so it works for us.

Planning a day out I can’t exactly be taking up that much time at the moment !

I think your split sounds quite even. If he is bored with general life then he needs to figure out what he wants his life to look like. Id recommend reading how to do everything and be happy by peter jones. I saw it mentioned on mn years ago and have been recommending it ever since.

@JudyCoolibar

She works 20 hours a week and does all the cleaning and childcare, DH's contribition is to do the cooking.

Someone hasn't read OP's posts properly. He does the cooking and clearing up after dinner, every night. Clearing up of necessity will involve cleaning the kitchen and, potentially the dining table, plus washing up. He also does the food shopping, and shares the work at weekends.

I do all of that, cleaning kitchen surfaces down, table a quick wipe and washing up takes no more than ten minutes. It’s 3-4 minutes if I use the dishwasher. Food shopping takes 30 minutes.

Hilarious that you plan family dàys out - aka - 'let's go X place tomorrow' and then 'pack up' the car - aka - shove some things in the boot. So that's a daily task is it? Or a once a week job?

Love the minutiae of every task, making it sound like you do EVERYTHING, but when you break it down, you really don't

Your husband really does need to learn how to entertain himself though - for that YANBU

Food shopping takes 30 minutes.

Online or at a supermarket? It’s at least an hour here for a weekly shop.