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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Relationship advice needed - AIBU

288 replies

Unreasonable2 · 04/06/2020 15:37

Hi all.
I'm a 30 year old women and I am in a relationship with a 30 year old man. We have been in a relationship for 11 months.
He has said he wants to take it slow (which I respect) so hasnt met my DD or any of my family, and I havent met his parents who he lives with.
During lockdown we havent seen each other obviously.
My issue is he is always too busy, too busy for a phone call, too busy to text during the day, his weekends are too busy.. I get around 20 minutes to text him from when he gets in bed till he goes to sleep and he wont reply any other time of the day.

Usually he lives a busy life anyway with work but I usually get to see him 2 evenings a week.

We spoke the other night and he informed me that after this is over, for the foreseeable, we wont be able to spend any weekends together as he has to do some diy for his parents.

Am I being unreasonable wanting more? It's been nearly a year of this and the last few months of lockdown has shown me I cant be as much of a priority to him as he is to me as if I was, surely he would make time to text back/call back etc.

AIBU just expecting a bit more commitment? A bit more of his time/attention because I honestly dont know. Before this I have only been in one other relationship. DD's father which lasted 15 years.

OP posts:
Original poster
Unreasonable2 · 04/06/2020 23:44

Sorry possibly a mistype. I am 30, I have a 6 year old and had an 11 year relationship that ended 4 years ago.
We began our relationship when I was 14 - nearly 15 (he was much older than me at the time -23) xx

OP posts:
PurpleTalkingTrees · 04/06/2020 23:45

He’s a jerk OP. This can’t make you feel good about yourself, stay strong and ignore.

MadeForThis · 05/06/2020 00:03

He will ignore the fact you have dumped him and just continue on as usual.

He's rude and dismissive. He's playing games.

You deserve better.

19lottie82 · 05/06/2020 00:07

Find someone who wants you in his life -
and his proud to be your partner

This x 1,000,000

theneighbourswindchime · 05/06/2020 00:13

Did he try and call you tonight?

louise5754 · 05/06/2020 00:20

Your ex was 23 and you were 14 when you got together?

Osirus · 05/06/2020 00:30

I was you OP in my first relationship. He was exactly like your boyfriend is here. I didn’t see or speak to him for a week at a time (no lockdown then and we lived a 5 minute walk apart Hmm); he would avoid my phone calls (his mum would lie for him and I could hear him whispering in the background), and we worked in the same village and would meet for lunch. Until he couldn’t be bothered and then rarely showed up.

We only slept together 5 times in 6 months.

He brought “the one that got away” down the pub one evening with us and spent the whole time gazing into her eyes and buying her drinks (none for me!). I left upset and he stayed with her. I hated him for that but I was so desperate for him to love me, I didn’t make a deal out of it and clung on for dear life.

I would get ridiculously excited every time I saw his name appear on my phone when it rang. Any scrap was gratefully received.

Until he finally ended it. Oh my god I was devastated.

Looking back now I was such a doormat. But he was my first and I was in awe of him. I thought no one would ever be interested in me but he was (I thought) and that he was my one and only. I was only 21 at the time and had thrown myself into this “relationship” with great gusto.

I would never put up with such shit now.

To end my story, two years later we did actually get back together. He pursued me. He called me all the time. He spent time with me and make such a huge effort to get back into favour. It took him 9 months to ask me to be his girlfriend again.

He left me in no doubt how he felt. I didn’t need to feel desperate for his love because I knew I had it.

We’re now married.

I’m telling you this because it’s so blindingly obvious when someone is interested and when they are not. Don’t make anymore excuses for this shit you are with and send him packing. He wants to spend time with his parents but not you? Every night? He can’t spare you a 10 minute phone call every day? Can’t tear himself away from mummy and daddy??

Looking back I wish I had done the dumping; at least I would have held on to a shred of self respect. I felt so low for so long after what happened.

Good luck and well done for calling it a day. Please stick to it!

PierceHawthornesSexDungeon · 05/06/2020 00:33

OP honestly you have dodged a bullet by finishing with this man. I was a single mum after leaving a terrible relationship. I left it 3 years before I got into another relationship and it sounds just like what you have described. I did all the running. Tried to get him to make plans. He wasn't a complete bastard but he was still in love with his ex wife.
Crunch came when I called him one day as I was lost driving near where he lived with tel young kids in the car and needed him to direct me back to the motorway. He called me back...2 days later. He'd been looking after his ex wife when she was ill with a cold or something. He just didn't have the balls to finish with me so waited for me to do it.
Best thing I did as I met my now OH who is my genuine soulmate and I look back on it fondly as he was the man who made me realise I was ready for a proper relationship. It just wasn't going to be with a prick who didn't care enough about me to reply to texts or pick up the phone
Neediess to say he got back with his ex Grin

pumpkinbump · 05/06/2020 01:22

Urgh his replies made me feel physically sick! How old is he to need to spend that much time with his parents? 8? You did the right think and I hope you bloody stick to it. Don't hear him out tomorrow, it will just be the same old shit. But if you do, stick to your decision. I've had one like this before. They're gross little men.

Abitofalark · 05/06/2020 01:54

It's hard after a long relationship when you feel the need for someone but quite honestly he's not a decent man and he isn't fit to be near you. I wouldn't even call him a man to send you a reply like that. He isn't even the shadow of a man. You need a man to actually be in your life and to appreciate and want you. Stay resolute and hold out for that. It may take a while but keep yourself well, look for better and it will come in time. Post here if you feel tempted to fall back.

Sittingontheveranda · 05/06/2020 01:56

He’s just not that into you and there’s no chance he loves you, it’s not slow it’s casual dating when there’s nothing better to do

OP I was you. I did exactly as you did. I wasn't going to comment but I read what Osirus wrote about now being married to the man who treated her as you are being treated, I know that if I had read it at the time, even after all the great advice you've received on this thread, a huge part of me would have hung on, always hoping he would come back. I wouldn't have moved on.

The man I was involved with behaved like this man you know, except he was in his late thirties/early forties at the time. He behaved appallingly to me and I lapped up the crumbs he sometimes threw. I didn't have any self respect so it in hindsight it is unsurprising he didn't have any respect for me either. I remember sending him a Christmas gift but I left it somewhere as I couldn't post it. For weeks afterwards, I would pop to where I had left it and see it still there and embarrassingly ring him to remind him to pick it up in case he'd forgotten! He never picked it up so I picked it up myself and left it outside his front door. He never acknowledged it. I did numerous similar things that I cringe just thinking about. Please don't have a discussion about breaking up your non relationship with this man. Block him because he will contact you for an ego boost and when you are feeling low you will contact him. I have a daughter now and I would absolutely despise anyone who treated my daughter as that man treated me. Please, for your child's sake, if not for your own, block this excuse for a human and don't waste your effort with him. He doesn't think you are good enough for him and as awful as that is to read, it is obvious from your posts that you are a kind and sensitive woman who deserves so much more. Free yourself from this man so you can build your self esteem back up and are available when the next man comes along.

longtimecomin · 05/06/2020 02:16

He's wasting your time, sounds like he's just not into you. I would cool on him and see if he ups his game. Better know now than let him string you along.

longtimecomin · 05/06/2020 02:38

Actually I've just finished reading the entire thread. Block him and never engage with him again, he doesn't deserve a single text.

timeisnotaline · 05/06/2020 03:18

You don’t have to speak to him. It’s clear he doesn’t give a shit or actually want to spend time with you. Ugh those Self involved messages he wrote!

RyanBergarasTeeth · 05/06/2020 03:21

Defo block him op. Dont listen to any of the shit he has to say. He is saying thats the way he is? Well a relationship goes both ways and you are clearly not compatible.

Doggybiccys · 05/06/2020 03:36

OP Flowers. I mean this kindly but after your update of your / your ex’s ages and your palpable need “to be wanted” in your posts, you need to work on yourself and why you are accepting of relationships where you are treated poorly. 11 months should be the honeymoon period. And a 23 yr old with a 14 yr old is concerning.

It’s good that you have ended this relationship but you feeling you had to ask if YWBU suggests you don’t know what a decent relationship looks like. Stay strong when he inevitably tries to love bomb you into accepting his shit again so he can then have the power again to treat you poorly.

Laserbird16 · 05/06/2020 04:29

Bullet dodged. What a strange person and it sounds he isn't taking you seriously. Block him and go have a relationship - what you had with him wasn't - with someone who makes you feel happy. Seriously he doesn't deserve another second of your time. Bleurgh!

TwilightPeace · 05/06/2020 07:26

Block him and go have a relationship - what you had with him wasn't - with someone who makes you feel happy.

I think before you jump into another relationship OP, you should spend time on your own reading up about healthy and unhealthy relationships (and all about relationship red flags), maybe also books on the joy of being single.
Work on your self-esteem, make some new friends, do hobbies you enjoy, invest in yourself.
When you feel good about yourself and understand what you deserve (and are also able to spot red flags a mile away!) you will attract someone who treats you the way you deserve to be treated.

OfTheNight · 05/06/2020 07:32

When he calls please, please say “I’m too busy to talk, so let’s never talk again.” Then block and delete! ‘Are you due on?’indeed!!!!!!!!!
He’s awful, you deserve so much better.

DrManhattan · 05/06/2020 07:38

@OfTheNight
I was thinking the same thing. If he calls or messages to say something like 'yeah I will get back to you in a couple of weeks, yawn, when I have done all my fictional DIY....

CandyLeBonBon · 05/06/2020 07:47

We began our relationship when I was 14 - nearly 15 (he was much older than me at the time -23)

Say what now? So you were groomed by an adult male when you were still a child. How would you feel for your DD if she was in that situation?

copycopypaste · 05/06/2020 07:55

Well done op for finishing it. What you want isn't in anyway shape or form unreasonable. Thanks

toomuchpeppapig · 05/06/2020 10:09

He's just not that into you. You really need to muster up some self esteem and stop contacting this guy. He's clearly not interested. Sorry op. Harsh I know, but better that you stop it now than let this man waste anymore of your time.

Ginfordinner · 05/06/2020 10:37

When he calls

I wouldn't even give him the opportunity to call you because he will try and talk you round. I would just block him everywhere.

Laserbird16 · 05/06/2020 10:50

I agree with @TwilightPeace. Work on loving yourself and what you want before entering your next relationship. I think the cut and thrust of my post was forget this loser and go live your life, someone better is out there

When he calls, reject his call and message him 'baby I'm due on, can't talk but you are still dumped' then block Wink

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