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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Relationship advice needed - AIBU

288 replies

Unreasonable2 · 04/06/2020 15:37

Hi all.
I'm a 30 year old women and I am in a relationship with a 30 year old man. We have been in a relationship for 11 months.
He has said he wants to take it slow (which I respect) so hasnt met my DD or any of my family, and I havent met his parents who he lives with.
During lockdown we havent seen each other obviously.
My issue is he is always too busy, too busy for a phone call, too busy to text during the day, his weekends are too busy.. I get around 20 minutes to text him from when he gets in bed till he goes to sleep and he wont reply any other time of the day.

Usually he lives a busy life anyway with work but I usually get to see him 2 evenings a week.

We spoke the other night and he informed me that after this is over, for the foreseeable, we wont be able to spend any weekends together as he has to do some diy for his parents.

Am I being unreasonable wanting more? It's been nearly a year of this and the last few months of lockdown has shown me I cant be as much of a priority to him as he is to me as if I was, surely he would make time to text back/call back etc.

AIBU just expecting a bit more commitment? A bit more of his time/attention because I honestly dont know. Before this I have only been in one other relationship. DD's father which lasted 15 years.

OP posts:
MamaFirst · 04/06/2020 21:55

Omfg what an absolute tool!!
He sounds soo cringe and disinterested. Absolute scum bag, you are well rid! Well done x

Ginfordinner · 04/06/2020 21:55

and wondering why I'm not good enough

You are good enough. He is the one who isn't good enough.

AtrociousCircumstance · 04/06/2020 21:56

He’s the one who isn’t good enough. Stay strong OP! Enjoy your wine Wine

thenamesarealltaken · 04/06/2020 21:56

Unreasonable2, I don't think its ended yet has it? And I know it'll be difficult for weeks, especially during lockdown. But if it was a restaurant, you'd be given a plate of crumbs, and for your drink, the dregs. I'm assuming you'd walk off and not pay for that! This guy only has crumbs and dregs to offer. You can't possibly be at fault for not wanting that, who would.

Sally2791 · 04/06/2020 22:00

Just get rid. He’s not worth the time working this out. Find someone who wants a proper relationship

Ilovebanoffeepie · 04/06/2020 22:03

He sounds like a complete and utter gaslighting knob! My ex used to do the “are you due on” thing and it really wound me up!

You enjoy your wine OP! Onwards and upwards you deserve better, much better Wine x

Original poster
Unreasonable2 · 04/06/2020 22:04

It has ended. I sent the message above to him and basically added in about him lacking time for me. That's when he replied saying it wasnt like me, I must be due in and to think things through xx

OP posts:
lachy · 04/06/2020 22:10

keep strong tomorrow, he will contact you, just be a broken record..."I don't want to continue with this relationship, I have nothing more to say. Goodbye "

Don't pay any attention to the concessions he will make, they will be empty promises.

thenamesarealltaken · 04/06/2020 22:14

Well, that's good @unreasonable2, I mean, not for how you'll be feeling. I mean't its not really over yet, because I imagine he'll start chasing and often people give in. So just try to stay strong and remember you expect to be valued, respected and to feel wanted, you're definitely not unreasonable and almost every poster has said that. Enjoy your wine and stay strong

Mnthrowaway20202 · 04/06/2020 22:15

At the very least, his texts have confirmed that you made the right decision! What a knob

Original poster
Unreasonable2 · 04/06/2020 22:15

It's always empty promises.. for the last 11 months I have spoken about a weekend away together. Somewhere uk based or even abroad before all this. There was always an excuse why but a "I promise we will" now all of a sudden every weekend is booked up.
I seriously dont want all his time, I respect he has other things that need his attention but surely I value some. More than a date (before all this) and sex.. like mentioned above, I could get paid for that if I really wanted that kind of relationship. Least then I wouldnt have to pay for the date Wink

OP posts:
shootmenow2020 · 04/06/2020 22:18

I can't believe he was trying to blame your period, as if that would make a woman dump a man?! Words fail me. He'll have all the time in the world for his parents now and you can go and find someone who will give you and your daughter all the attention you both deserve. Just don't drink and text Wine

Original poster
Unreasonable2 · 04/06/2020 22:20

Oh I plan not to. Just the one glass for me in bed. I have an early start in the morning xx

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 04/06/2020 22:21

Even if his parents were massively controlling, who’d want to marry in to that family. You are so much better off without him.

Original poster
Unreasonable2 · 04/06/2020 22:23

I am. I guess I just wanted to feel loved. I wouldnt even say happy as that should come with it and I can be happy just me and my DD. I just wanted to feel wanted xx

OP posts:
thenamesarealltaken · 04/06/2020 22:29

I understand you want to feel wanted. You will be, especially if you make way for someone who will want you.

If you're feel you're going to give in, as its painful and he sweet talks you, start a thread or add to this. Walk away from this naff relationship with dignity.

granadagirl · 04/06/2020 22:38

You don’t need an arse hole like him to want you when HE can fit you in.

Your worth 10 tens more than him, what 30 yr old sits in with there parents because you haven’t seen them today!!!! Wtf

Pls don’t have a drink tomoz thinking you need one because off him. You might fall for his sickly charm🤮 chat, thinking he can talk you round because you need him

You do have love, the best love you can get
Unconditional from your dd.
Not that self centred dickhead

conduitoffortune · 04/06/2020 22:51

Fuck me, his replies are absolutely ridiculous. He's like a parody of a creepy misogynistic lazy overgrown boy. What is the point of him?!

Lampan · 04/06/2020 22:55

Well done for ending it. He doesn’t even care enough to ring you when you messaged him to end things?? That tells you all you need to know. Now you won’t be wasting any more time on someone who isn’t bothered.
I was originally going to say he isn’t into you, I actually recognise the avoidant pattern of behaviour - not being particularly interested but no reason yet to enough to end things.
HOWEVER, his responses to your message are awful. As I say, not even a dumping (presumably out of the blue for him) will elicit a few minutes on the phone? As PP says, his early night is more important than trying to salvage a relationship? And the ‘are you due on’ is just gross. Don’t let him wheedle his way back in. Onwards and upwards!!

Bookoffacts · 04/06/2020 22:56

He's not that into you. Sorry Flowers

UnfinishedSymphon · 04/06/2020 23:06

So does he know you've ended it or does he think it's because your due on. Have you actually told him it's over properly?

Bunnymumy · 04/06/2020 23:07

OP told him it was over and then got the text about her being due on as a reply.

UnfinishedSymphon · 04/06/2020 23:12

Yeah I read that, but it appears he's not taken it seriously. OP you need to tell him you're done and block him straightaway if you're serious about ending it

Merryoldgoat · 04/06/2020 23:14

I’m late to the party and I can see you’ve got great advice.

But I had to comment after reading those messages - there’s nothing in there about you - it’s all him. He’s an utter arsehole and you will be happier without him.

Sorry I be misread, but did you say you’re 30 but had a 15 year relationship which ended 5 years ago? I’m sorry if I’ve got that mixed up but it sounds like you may be used to poor treatment and this shoddy git is an upgrade which is no reason to settle for him.

ErnDincum · 04/06/2020 23:27

Don't waste your valuable time wondering what HE wants - he's not giving you what YOU want from a relationship and that's the most important thing. You can't change him, he won't change. And too right "this isn't like you", he had you exactly where he wanted you - waiting in the wings for any crumbs of attention he deigned to throw your way. You have so much to offer the right man - value yourself lovely, you are a prize and this pathetic, whining manchild doesn't deserve you.

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