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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Relationship advice needed - AIBU

288 replies

Unreasonable2 · 04/06/2020 15:37

Hi all.
I'm a 30 year old women and I am in a relationship with a 30 year old man. We have been in a relationship for 11 months.
He has said he wants to take it slow (which I respect) so hasnt met my DD or any of my family, and I havent met his parents who he lives with.
During lockdown we havent seen each other obviously.
My issue is he is always too busy, too busy for a phone call, too busy to text during the day, his weekends are too busy.. I get around 20 minutes to text him from when he gets in bed till he goes to sleep and he wont reply any other time of the day.

Usually he lives a busy life anyway with work but I usually get to see him 2 evenings a week.

We spoke the other night and he informed me that after this is over, for the foreseeable, we wont be able to spend any weekends together as he has to do some diy for his parents.

Am I being unreasonable wanting more? It's been nearly a year of this and the last few months of lockdown has shown me I cant be as much of a priority to him as he is to me as if I was, surely he would make time to text back/call back etc.

AIBU just expecting a bit more commitment? A bit more of his time/attention because I honestly dont know. Before this I have only been in one other relationship. DD's father which lasted 15 years.

OP posts:
BlueJava · 05/06/2020 19:05

I really think you are worth more than this OP! Move on and find someone who does want a relationship. Good luck.

Sharpandshineyteeth · 05/06/2020 20:01

I hope you’ve held your ground OP.

The most important thing to remember is actions speak louder than words. So whatever bullshit he’s spun you, he was happy to risk the relationship by delaying speaking to you so he could have his relax time.

granadagirl · 05/06/2020 20:12

He’s reAlly bothered you finishing it isn’t he
Couldn’t ring/text the next day with anything to keep you
Even shit he comes out with...,,,,,,,

Are you really sure he’s not married?
I know you sent his mum some flowers when she was ill, but how do you know he didn’t get the delivery and take the card out and say they were from himself??

For a single 30 yr old his actions don’t ring right!!!
Work, parents

YukoandHiro · 05/06/2020 20:13

He's just not that into you.

LP2021 · 05/06/2020 21:42

I think you’ve been waiting around long enough. Would you give a friend the same advice if they were in this situation?

Stay strong, you seem to have had a strange relationship with him keeping you at arms length and only you instigating the contact.

He’s not willing to share his life with you. You should keep yours away from him now so you can heal and move onto someone decent.

Hope you’re ok

fuzzymoon · 05/06/2020 22:15

Stop waiting.

Original poster
Unreasonable2 · 06/06/2020 00:02

The call came. I stuck to my guns and told him I deserve more. He didnt accept it well, I knew he wouldnt but I explained that i wasnt a doormat. I needed more than crumbs and he isnt willing to give me more. He promised the world, I no longer want his world so I switched my phone off. Hence the late reply.
Thanks everyone.
I guess I wanted the phone call as I wanted to stick up for myself. I never did and I wanted to.

Back story. Yes my relationship with my ex was concerning, it was highly abusive and unfortunately, I didnt really have anybody around to tell me it wasnt right. I was infatuated with him and thought I was so grown up to have a much older boyfriend. Fast forward 5 years we got married and I was little more than a shell of a person, ot was the worst time of my life, but the best because I have a beautiful DD who is incredible and I'm so grateful for her. I never stuck up for myself then, I left with no self respect and I feel like this was the first chance I could tell somebody I'm worth more, and strangely pull back some of my self respect.
Your right, I probably dont understand between healthy and unhealthy relationships, that's why I worked on myself between my last relationship and this one. this has taught me that theres still work to be done.
Thank you everyone

OP posts:
MissMudskipper · 06/06/2020 00:07

Well done OP you deserve so much better than to be treated as you have been Flowers

edwinbear · 06/06/2020 00:07

Well done fir sticking to your guns OP, now delete, block and focus on your amazing DD. Flowers

Original poster
Unreasonable2 · 06/06/2020 00:09

Thank you. I feel better for doing it. Thats the only reason I wanted the call. I guess I wanted to just stand up for myself and tell him that it's not right/he cant treat people like that.
One of his phrases "dont do this, you can meet my mum if you really want" made me laugh a bit.. but it's done. I feel like a weight has now been lifted xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Unreasonable2 · 06/06/2020 00:11

He also asked me if there was anybody else. Like the issue must be with me...

I feel relieved. Sad it didnt work out but relieved I dont have to feel so sad all the time now. It's just me and DD now Star

OP posts:
ErnDincum · 06/06/2020 00:36

Well done you! Now please stick to your guns and don't let him weedle his way back in. He can't offer you, or anyone else for that matter, what you want and what you need from a relationship. He's pretty pathetic really.

LP2021 · 06/06/2020 08:11

This is the start of your new fab life! Well done and as others have said - Stay strong, don’t let him come back into your life. It’s going to get much easier and happier from now on

lachy · 06/06/2020 09:13

Well done! I'm so glad you got closure.

Having dealt with a couple of exes like him, I'm almost certain that he's playing a game. Making you wait for a phone call...he was probably expecting you to cave at the sound of his voice and beg for another chance.

I suspect that he will try to contact you again, because he will be annoyed that you have got away. Keep strong x

OwlinaTree · 06/06/2020 09:46

Well done op!

Apple222 · 06/06/2020 10:03

Well done you! He is utterly lazy, self-centred and immature. Don’t waste another moment of your time on him.

Can you imagine being with him for several years and still getting these responses? You are worth so much more.

You’ve got out, now stay out! 🌷🌷🌷

Ilovebanoffeepie · 06/06/2020 10:11

Well done OP! Enjoy your happy life with your DD!x

ZorbaTheHoarder · 06/06/2020 10:26

Although it's a shame you have missed the chance to meet his mum now - NOT!

What an arse he is!

You will be so much better off without him hanging around in your life like a bad smell.

Onwards and upwards!

iano · 06/06/2020 10:51

Well done OP! Good for you. This is the start of a great new life.
I'd recommend reading 'women who love to much'. I found it very helpful

louise5754 · 06/06/2020 11:00

How bizarre. If everything he told you was true then he will be a very lonely man.

Either way we'll done for realising you deserve better.

Original poster
Unreasonable2 · 06/06/2020 11:00

Thank you for the book recommendation, I will order it now.
I feel a bit odd this morning, i feel sad because I fell for him so of course I feel sad but I also feel happy? Happy that I said that's enough.. it's an off feeling?

OP posts:
Ginfordinner · 06/06/2020 11:30

I know exactly what you mean. You feel sad for when being with him was good, but you feel happy that he can't make you feel bad about yourself any more.

Bunnymumy · 06/06/2020 11:47

I think it's called a bittersweet feeling.

Happy knowing that you've done the right thing for yourself. But sad that he wasnt the one for you.

Original poster
Unreasonable2 · 06/06/2020 12:14

Yes exactly that!
Having a pamper this morning to cheer me up

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 06/06/2020 19:14

Well done OP - you should be so proud of yourself. A fantastic step towards a strong and happy future.