AITA Treating my daughter differently than my sons

[Theladyofshalot]

Sorry for the long background, but gives you an idea of the issues being faced.

Mother of three. First two children, twin boys from first marriage. First husband was my school sweetheart and we got married very very young. Everyone expected us to have babies straightaway because they thought we were irresponsible youngsters. To be fair we probably would have but as it happened I had a medical issue so the boys didn’t come along until a few years later.

My husband died shortly after the boys were born. The circumstances of his death were heavily investigated as it happened at work. His employer were found at fault and we received a pay-out, compensation and additional from his small pension.

My husband and I had been considering separating after the discovery of his cheating while i was pregnant. He had moved into the spare room but at the point of his death everything had been pretty much amicable. His family were aware of the situation so the payouts became a huge family drama as his wider family felt that even though we hadn’t started any form of divorce I wasn’t entitled to anything because we were considering parting ways.

The whole thing got very nasty as the sums of money were substantial and the awards were appealed repeatedly by them with his employer and Pension Company (these types of payouts are considered discretionary so open to challenge) In the end oil was put on the water by confirming that outside of buying a house the rest was placed aside for the boys and their education. Please note that this was quite some time ago and boys are now due to start university.

10 years after this I started very casually dating FBW. We were only ever going to be FWB as I was not looking for anything serious and I had got used to my own company (I had not dated at all in the 10 years bringing up two kids and working full time leaves little space). He was dealing with the fallout from his very acrimonious divorce. Despite being careful I very surprisingly fell pregnant which was a massive shock bearing in mind how long it taken to fall pregnant with the boys. FBW was horrified as having children was never part of his life plan. (He’s since got married and had two children lol)

FWB has been part of his daughter’s life in that he does make time for her but he is never paid support or taken her overnight as he had very strong feelings at the time about how things should have been dealt with. He had zero interest really until she was an older child. He has a pattern and normally only comes by when he’s having issues with his kids/wife as our daughter was a bit of a daddy’s girl so is always pleased to see him and it flatters his ego (sorry I got a bit snarky there but he’s very cavalier with her and it makes my blood boil)

With this in mind I was LIVID yesterday when FWB popped in. We were casually discussing the boys uni when I realised that FWB was under the impression that our daughter will be going to a private school and had a university/house Fund put aside for her. I asked FBW with whose money? He pointed out that the boys had both these things. I explained that the boys have been funded by their fathers inheritance. Whereas our daughter was not and therefore wouldn’t have these opportunities unless we were both willing to pay ourselves.

FWB then got extremely upset as he had always thought she was going to get the same and went on a rant about how unfair it was. His argument was that the children were all one family and should be treated equally. The money was rightfully as much of *our daughter as it was my sons. I advised him that wasn’t the case that was a specific legal agreement the money was always for the boys.

He left an absolute rage and as advised that he is going to speak to a solicitor in this matter to protect his daughter’s interests. He then called me a Ahole and a terrible mother or i would fight for her right to have the same - but to be honest i just don't see it that way, the money was my husband providing for his children - she is not one of his children. Which made him even madder!

I currently have 11 missed calls from him.

*normally shes my daughter in our occasional arguments but suddenly she HIS/OUR daughter

One could argue the in-laws would have rathered you had CMS, otherwise 'their' money was also supporting your daughter indirectly.

You work? I'd have made provisions for your daughter in lieu of housing costs, made possible by the provisions for your sons. I'd be very surprised if you had done nothing to address this imbalance?

As soon as boys leave for uni and finished their school education I'd relocate. Get away form them all the crap.

Completely agree with peppaisabitch and ghostcurry

You owe it you your daughter to do all you can to level up her educational inequalities!

I actually dont see the issue with the inequalities that the children have due to circumstances at the time. I have 3 children including my DSD and they have all had completely different lives and opportunities due to circumstances at the time. There is a 15 year age span.
Most importantly they know that I love them.

That money is compensation for your boys loosing their father her father is very much alive even if it sounds like his a waste of space. Contact the cms and make him start supporting her. If it goes into an account for her given that you appear not to need it if you haven't done so already it can go towards her for uni. As for the fact your husbands family tried to stop you getting the money that is disgusting. You were his wife it was not you that cheated and you are raising his children. That money should have always been available to you to meet their needs. Your doing nothing wrong here let him spit his dummy out and act like a man child.

Love doesn’t conquer everything. I do think there is a great risk that your DD isn’t happy about this when she’s a bit older.

I had a friend who had exactly this problem. DD was 10 years younger than siblings and born to a dad who she didn’t even see. Older sisters had a trust fund from deceased dads estate. In the end, the two older sublingual gave the half sister some money. There wasn’t a huge amount left after the private education they had but what was left was split. The older DCs got control and they decided what they wanted to do for their sister. This could happen in this case. It helped.

Firstly, I'm sorry for your loss and the arsehole attitude of your DH's family.

I'm sure that anything you say will be water of a Fuck's back but this agument springs to mind.

"You've funded all 3 DC's needs (execpt for the private schooling) so you've treated them all the same. Money for the twin's education was provided for by their father, so, to make it fair, DD's education should be provide for by xFWB. Therefore, he's the one being unfair" QED

Let him take it to a solicitor and I'm sure he'll be laughed out the room.

I'm. Confused @Theladyofshalot. So you can afford private school but don't want to pay for it but will if people think you should?

The sheer hypocrisy of a father who won’t pay maintenance because you didn’t have an abortion-hello, it takes 2 to have children-yet thinks your sons’ father’s money should fund his daughter, even tho he hasn’t?! Bloody hell! He sounds unhinged!

@MumW great typo! 😂

I have to agree that there is massive potential for this to cause massive resentment for your dd in the future. I can’t even imagine how I would feel if I had to watch my brothers receive university educations, houses and weddings paid for, while I received none of that.

The OP sounds like she has her head screwed on, I don't see her letting her daughter be massively disadvantaged in life. I do wonder if FWB assumed there was a trust fund for the daughter and had hoped to be able to access it himself at some point, otherwise his ire seems way too high.

@100percentthatwitch Would you resent them for having a dead dad? Would you resent your own dad for being a waster? Would you be able to see that by not having to pay for your brothers your mum was able to give you more than if their dad hadn't set them up??
Or should the OP make sure her sons have a rotten time to make their sister feel better?

I was the 3rd child in my family, My dads first born, we were skint there were drug/alcohol issues that led to us being in care, my dad remarried when I was 19 after my mum died and he sorted his shit out.
My younger bros and stepsisters had a totally different upbringing, better house, lots of food in cupboards(not all cheap crap), university at the right time, holidays, going on school trips I wouldn't have even asked to go on because they were 3 figure sums, they even had an allowance.
I had moments of jealousy but I understood I wasn't denied these things for a laugh nor did I resent anybody. My mum had drug alcohol issues my SM did not, my SM had a career my mum worked PT occasionally, it's a fact of life we have different experiences.

They have different dads, it makes a difference to the life they have, you might not like that but it changes nothing.

All this talk of inequality as if denying private education means the inevitable end to a good future. Only on MN!

I have a number of friends with 1 or 2 kids in private and the others happy in a comprehensive school. That because it was their choice. My best friend's eldest got a good scholarship to study performing arts at a top private school. Her siblings didn't. They have actually done better than her career wise and got getter A levels.

My dd's best friend at primary went to that same school, did very well and got top GCSEs but DD got getter A levels and has gone to a better Uni. She probably could have applied and succeeded in getting a place but she wasn't interested at all and wouldn't have been if her sibling had done so.

OP's daughter can do just as well going to a state school and doesn't have to feel she is worth less. Her father is just annoyed probably because he would have loved to be himself associated with the school.

Please don’t put on your sons the expectation that it’s on them to ‘make it right’, as suggested by other posters. It’s their money from their deceased father, if they want to share it at a later date that should be up to them, but it’s also perfectly fine and reasonable if they don’t want to. It’s not their responsibility.

@lilmishap the resentment is more likely to be towards the OP than her brothers. You’ve said that by not having to pay for her brothers the OP has been able to give her add more but it doesn’t sound to me like that is the case. It doesn’t sound like the OP has made any extra provisions to ensure her dd receives as much as she can provide for her, she has just accepted that her dad is going to have a different life to her sons. She has suggested that she could pay for these things of savings but has chosen not to, that’s what would lead to the resentment for me. If my mother had tried her best to save and give me everything she could then of course I wouldn’t feel resentment just because my brothers had more, but the OP hasn’t even bothered to claim cms.

*dd

Also, of course I’m not suggesting she make sure her sons have a rotten time to make her dd feel better, I’m suggesting that she start saving for her dd so that her dd has at least some chance at having the same things her brothers will have

XFWB only wants his daughter to go to private school because it looks like he's wealthy by association and/or funding that education. I don't believe you're doing your daughter a disservice but if XFWB continues along this line I would definitely chase child support and put that aside for her future. If he believes she needs funds he should be prepared to contribute.

I know two families like this. Dads still around and paid for private school for kids they had. Second Set kids In new relationship didn’t go Same schoo, as new Families couldn’t afford. I think dads of both kids also didn’t contribute enough to upbringing and seemed to think magnanimous and should be thanked for education.
Look forward to solicitor laughing at this when realises man in front of him demanding another man who is dead pays for his child’s educTion when he hasn’t contributed a penny. Why does he not fork out? Hope you get him to start paying maintenance.

I'd be tempted to say 'of course your daughter should have the same financial support as my sons did. As that necessitates you naming her as a equal beneficiary in all pensions, life insurances and other incomes, would you be so kind as to notify me prior to falling off some scaffolding/other work related danger so I can prepare her outfit for your funeral?'.

I wouldn't say it, obviously. But I'd be very, very tempted to, as the only reason those boys have any financial support is because their father is dead. To make it 'equal', hers needs to be as well.

You have been living rent-free for years. Your savings should be substantial. And they should be flowing directly towards your daughter’s education fund.

Depends on earnings surely? I mean I have no rent/mortgage to pay but can't put a significant amount into savings each month because I earn considerably less than the national average.

There are some vey silly arguments being put forward here. The DD, in effect, might as well not have a dad because he’s ignored her. That’s an ongoing hurt and the death of a dad and an ongoing absent dad are both a problem. However one had money attached and the other is just an empty void. It would be unusual for such a good start to be bestowed in two half siblings and then expect the other to be totally happy with sucking it up knowing mum could have made a difference but didn’t bother. Aspects of family life such as this cause rifts and in nearly every circumstance, it’s good to talk.

But I can't believe that you seem ok for two of your children to have such a massive advantage. A house, uni and private education

There’s a big overstatement of the value of private education on this thread. It really depends on the school. There are some crap private schools and some really good state schools.

For getting into a good university it’s probably easier from a state school.

I speak as someone who went to private school, whose kids go. I don’t have axe to grind.

A really good grammar can be better than a dozy private school.