AITA Treating my daughter differently than my sons

[Theladyofshalot]

Sorry for the long background, but gives you an idea of the issues being faced.

Mother of three. First two children, twin boys from first marriage. First husband was my school sweetheart and we got married very very young. Everyone expected us to have babies straightaway because they thought we were irresponsible youngsters. To be fair we probably would have but as it happened I had a medical issue so the boys didn’t come along until a few years later.

My husband died shortly after the boys were born. The circumstances of his death were heavily investigated as it happened at work. His employer were found at fault and we received a pay-out, compensation and additional from his small pension.

My husband and I had been considering separating after the discovery of his cheating while i was pregnant. He had moved into the spare room but at the point of his death everything had been pretty much amicable. His family were aware of the situation so the payouts became a huge family drama as his wider family felt that even though we hadn’t started any form of divorce I wasn’t entitled to anything because we were considering parting ways.

The whole thing got very nasty as the sums of money were substantial and the awards were appealed repeatedly by them with his employer and Pension Company (these types of payouts are considered discretionary so open to challenge) In the end oil was put on the water by confirming that outside of buying a house the rest was placed aside for the boys and their education. Please note that this was quite some time ago and boys are now due to start university.

10 years after this I started very casually dating FBW. We were only ever going to be FWB as I was not looking for anything serious and I had got used to my own company (I had not dated at all in the 10 years bringing up two kids and working full time leaves little space). He was dealing with the fallout from his very acrimonious divorce. Despite being careful I very surprisingly fell pregnant which was a massive shock bearing in mind how long it taken to fall pregnant with the boys. FBW was horrified as having children was never part of his life plan. (He’s since got married and had two children lol)

FWB has been part of his daughter’s life in that he does make time for her but he is never paid support or taken her overnight as he had very strong feelings at the time about how things should have been dealt with. He had zero interest really until she was an older child. He has a pattern and normally only comes by when he’s having issues with his kids/wife as our daughter was a bit of a daddy’s girl so is always pleased to see him and it flatters his ego (sorry I got a bit snarky there but he’s very cavalier with her and it makes my blood boil)

With this in mind I was LIVID yesterday when FWB popped in. We were casually discussing the boys uni when I realised that FWB was under the impression that our daughter will be going to a private school and had a university/house Fund put aside for her. I asked FBW with whose money? He pointed out that the boys had both these things. I explained that the boys have been funded by their fathers inheritance. Whereas our daughter was not and therefore wouldn’t have these opportunities unless we were both willing to pay ourselves.

FWB then got extremely upset as he had always thought she was going to get the same and went on a rant about how unfair it was. His argument was that the children were all one family and should be treated equally. The money was rightfully as much of *our daughter as it was my sons. I advised him that wasn’t the case that was a specific legal agreement the money was always for the boys.

He left an absolute rage and as advised that he is going to speak to a solicitor in this matter to protect his daughter’s interests. He then called me a Ahole and a terrible mother or i would fight for her right to have the same - but to be honest i just don't see it that way, the money was my husband providing for his children - she is not one of his children. Which made him even madder!

I currently have 11 missed calls from him.

*normally shes my daughter in our occasional arguments but suddenly she HIS/OUR daughter

YANBU because you can do sod all about the trust fund!!

You can do your best to save and help your DD through uni, you should have applied to CMS just on principle tbh her father/sperm donar is a delusional waste of space! Thank goodness you ditched him long ago.

So your son's have had a private education and can look forward to having money put towards a house each and help with their weddings yet your daughter will have none of these advantages and on top of that has a flakey Dad that doesn't contribute financially. This all seems really unfair.

As much as I don't think this guy should have a say in anything, I think it's really sad that both your ds's will be given opportunities that your dad won't be given. There may be resentment over that in the future.

@Zeusthemoose

So your son's have had a private education and can look forward to having money put towards a house each and help with their weddings yet your daughter will have none of these advantages and on top of that has a flakey Dad that doesn't contribute financially. This all seems really unfair.

Given op won't need to pay out for these things the boys, there's more scope for her to do it for the girl. Bit ultimately, she has her Dad alive. OK she might be moody when she's younger but I'm sure her Dad walking. Her down the aisle will trump a few k towards the bill.

Should the boys refuse the money toale it "fair"?

Hmm how would I feel if my spouse had a child after my death and money I'd earned for my sons was taken from them because her 'not boyfriend' who couldn't be bothered to parent or put money aside demanded my hard earned cash was spent on his kid.....
I can see his family issue and I can see why your in a tricky spot but the next time fwb brings it up I'd be bringing out the swear words while holding open the door.
Your husbands legacy is fuck all to do with him or (I know this sounds blunt) your daughter.

As much as I don't think this guy should have a say in anything, I think it's really sad that both your ds's will be given opportunities that your dad won't be given. There may be resentment over that in the future.

I suspect the boys would give it all back in a heartbeat if it meant they could see their Dad again. Their sister has a relationship with her father - something that no amount of money can buy back for them.

Life isn’t fair, but ops children have got a great mum who will support them all. Yes dd dad is a complete idiot, but in the grand scheme it won’t matter. I would go to cms now, and put it in savings if you get anything just to prove a point tbh

@Zeusthemoose Yes having a dead parent at a young age is unfair.
But so is having your inheritance messed about on the insistence of a flakey adult who isn't related to you but because he slept with your mum once upon a time he thinks he has rights over your financial future.

Nobody sounds deprived in this scenario, most kids from first/second marriages/situations have very different lives.

All the people clamouring for the OP to get CMS to pay for private school: I'm in a similar situation, my ex P does not voluntarily pay a penny so I've always done my best to make sure my DD receives some support from him via CSA / CMS. It's taken years of aggro. I currently get £26 a fortnight, not sure this is going to pay for her to be schooled privately.

Both CSA and CMS require constant chasing to do anything at all. I'm owed thousands in non-paid child support, they do nothing. It takes at least 6 months, every time a parent starts a new job to get a payment order in place. This in then often not paid, and not chased up. They then leave the job and you receive nothing for months / years. They lie about their income, it is not checked unless you put in a complaint and then it takes so long that by the time it is done, the rules have changed.

In short - stop talking out of your arses and give the OP a break. All her children have a secure upbringing with a caring parent in a long term residence with loving siblings. Private schools aren't necessarily 'better' than state schools, most of us can't afford private education and don't feel that our children miss out as a consequence.

PMSL. So what about his other kids if they should all be treated the same. Or does that not count?

Easy - just tell him boys father paid for their education etc.

You are her father - you pay for hers.

People saying split the inheritance. It is not Op's money. It is the boys money which can only be distributed strictly in accordance as set down by the trust.

What is there that you cannot understand about this?

Definitely claim for maintenance. Tell him - yes you are right it is unfair that DD's father is not supporting her at all when the boys were supported by their father.

God some posters here are either spectacularly/deliberately missing the point or being deliberately obtuse/nasty

The OP CANNOT use that money for ANY reason for her DD as her late husbands family fought to have his assets LEGALLY RINGFENCED for the sole use of his sons.

Gawd, The OP isn't bothered about the money, tihe DD isn't bothered about the money, the DSs aren't bothered about the money, they will inherit at some point in the future but that will be debated with their DF's family when the time comes. Everyone is happy leave it be.

The FWB must have had much invested in your DD's future as, as he thought, a private school going child. He is probably just a snob but angry at things not being what he thought they were.
But he is a dickhead and ignore him.

@AJPTaylor

PMSL. So what about his other kids if they should all be treated the same. Or does that not count?

Good point by AJPTaylor what does he say about his other children who are also her siblings?

It says something about society’s priorities when you compare the penalties for not paying a TV licence with not paying maintenance.

So he’s going to go to a lawyer and say that he’s contributed NOTHING to the upbringing of his child but expects you to breach a court order to be able to equally split money for her fatherless brothers?!

What a dickhead. I’d immediately start a claim for child maintenance.

You are definitely not the arsehole here @Theladyofshalot, and in the circumstances you found yourself in, I think you've done the absolute best that could be done for all your children.

All I can say is that I would put in a maintenance claim against your arsehole XFWB. Not because I'd expect it to provide money for my daughter, but because I suspect he'll go very quiet and stop bothering you if you do. I get that you allowed contact on his terms because the boys used the 'you've got a dad' line on you, but him dropping in as and when it pleases him - I'm not sure that is best for her.

CM isn’t for your benefit, it’s for your daughters. YANBU that the inheritance is legally your sons, above but YABU in letting the unpaid CM go unchallenged. Your daughter could have more opportunities in the future if her father supported her too.

I grew up in extended family, basically as raised as my grandparents' child. D"F" died young and while in active service at work so his company's pensions etc were generous. D"B" as D"F"s biological child recieved benefits that supported him through university. I didn't. Plus the system changed dropping grants and introducing fees. I ended up with ££,£££ of student debt while D"B" was financially supported through.
C'est la vie. We just had different circumstances. Regardless of biology, we lost our dad as much as the other did.

FWB is a jerk not to pay for his daughter and doubly so to think you can change legally binding financial arrangements (particularly imposed on you by your former ILs) to cover his inadequacy.

He is a dick.
But I can't believe that you seem ok for two of your children to have such a massive advantage. A house, uni and private education. That's massive. I would be doing everything in my power to try to equal my daughters opportunity's starting by providing her with private education. You say you could pay out of savings. Then do. You don't have to do uni and the house but it's your responsibility to find her a suitable education. I can't imagine how she will feel that her brothers got so much more than her. And that you are happy to let that happen.
Stop blaming you fwb and start equaling the playing field for your children.

Ask FWB if he died, would be be happy for his inheritance money to be split between his/your daughter and your sons? Because that’s the same as what he’s expecting. I bet he would want his inheritance money to go only to her.

I do think it might have been helpful to have had this conversation when you were pregnant rather than all these years later, and to have taken steps to get child maintenance sorted out back then.

But clearly, HITA for ranting and going off on one and threatening to get a lawyer. Your sons' money is their money from their father, not yours, not your daughter's, and not 'family money'. If your daughter's father wanted her to have the same advantages, he should have provided them. If he thinks there is 'family money', why isn't his daughter getting her share of it from him?

YANBU Op!

It’s clear the inheritance was for your husbands children. Your daughter isn’t his so she wouldn’t benefit

I do agree that FWB should have been paying maintenance but he hasn’t for the reasons you’ve outlined and that’s your business. You know the situation best

However in regards to FWB and shutting down the situation. I’d let him see a solicitor and waste his money. But I’d probably also send him an email along the lines of...

As you’re aware the inheritance left To my sons is due to their fathers death. This is the sum they would have received if he’d lived and been able to provide for them

If you’d like to also contribute maintenance (including back dated) in order to help support our daughter with similar aspirations then we can come to an arrangement

However if you’d like to continue to be financially vacant from her life, as you have been since she was born, then I would appreciate an end to the abusive messages I’ve been receiving

“ He is a dick.
But I can't believe that you seem ok for two of your children to have such a massive advantage. A house, uni and private education. That's massive. I would be doing everything in my power to try to equal my daughters opportunity's starting by providing her with private education. You say you could pay out of savings. Then do. You don't have to do uni and the house but it's your responsibility to find her a suitable education. I can't imagine how she will feel that her brothers got so much more than her. And that you are happy to let that happen.
Stop blaming you fwb and start equaling the playing field for your children.”

Agree with this. OP you seem very measured and logical, so it’s surprising that you don’t see the blinding inequality here.

You have been living rent-free for years. Your savings should be substantial. And they should be flowing directly towards your daughter’s education fund.

@GhostCurry

“ He is a dick. But I can't believe that you seem ok for two of your children to have such a massive advantage. A house, uni and private education. That's massive. I would be doing everything in my power to try to equal my daughters opportunity's starting by providing her with private education. You say you could pay out of savings. Then do. You don't have to do uni and the house but it's your responsibility to find her a suitable education. I can't imagine how she will feel that her brothers got so much more than her. And that you are happy to let that happen. Stop blaming you fwb and start equaling the playing field for your children.”

Agree with this. OP you seem very measured and logical, so it’s surprising that you don’t see the blinding inequality here.

You have been living rent-free for years. Your savings should be substantial. And they should be flowing directly towards your daughter’s education fund.

I can't disagree with this, actually.