AITA Treating my daughter differently than my sons

[Theladyofshalot]

Sorry for the long background, but gives you an idea of the issues being faced.

Mother of three. First two children, twin boys from first marriage. First husband was my school sweetheart and we got married very very young. Everyone expected us to have babies straightaway because they thought we were irresponsible youngsters. To be fair we probably would have but as it happened I had a medical issue so the boys didn’t come along until a few years later.

My husband died shortly after the boys were born. The circumstances of his death were heavily investigated as it happened at work. His employer were found at fault and we received a pay-out, compensation and additional from his small pension.

My husband and I had been considering separating after the discovery of his cheating while i was pregnant. He had moved into the spare room but at the point of his death everything had been pretty much amicable. His family were aware of the situation so the payouts became a huge family drama as his wider family felt that even though we hadn’t started any form of divorce I wasn’t entitled to anything because we were considering parting ways.

The whole thing got very nasty as the sums of money were substantial and the awards were appealed repeatedly by them with his employer and Pension Company (these types of payouts are considered discretionary so open to challenge) In the end oil was put on the water by confirming that outside of buying a house the rest was placed aside for the boys and their education. Please note that this was quite some time ago and boys are now due to start university.

10 years after this I started very casually dating FBW. We were only ever going to be FWB as I was not looking for anything serious and I had got used to my own company (I had not dated at all in the 10 years bringing up two kids and working full time leaves little space). He was dealing with the fallout from his very acrimonious divorce. Despite being careful I very surprisingly fell pregnant which was a massive shock bearing in mind how long it taken to fall pregnant with the boys. FBW was horrified as having children was never part of his life plan. (He’s since got married and had two children lol)

FWB has been part of his daughter’s life in that he does make time for her but he is never paid support or taken her overnight as he had very strong feelings at the time about how things should have been dealt with. He had zero interest really until she was an older child. He has a pattern and normally only comes by when he’s having issues with his kids/wife as our daughter was a bit of a daddy’s girl so is always pleased to see him and it flatters his ego (sorry I got a bit snarky there but he’s very cavalier with her and it makes my blood boil)

With this in mind I was LIVID yesterday when FWB popped in. We were casually discussing the boys uni when I realised that FWB was under the impression that our daughter will be going to a private school and had a university/house Fund put aside for her. I asked FBW with whose money? He pointed out that the boys had both these things. I explained that the boys have been funded by their fathers inheritance. Whereas our daughter was not and therefore wouldn’t have these opportunities unless we were both willing to pay ourselves.

FWB then got extremely upset as he had always thought she was going to get the same and went on a rant about how unfair it was. His argument was that the children were all one family and should be treated equally. The money was rightfully as much of *our daughter as it was my sons. I advised him that wasn’t the case that was a specific legal agreement the money was always for the boys.

He left an absolute rage and as advised that he is going to speak to a solicitor in this matter to protect his daughter’s interests. He then called me a Ahole and a terrible mother or i would fight for her right to have the same - but to be honest i just don't see it that way, the money was my husband providing for his children - she is not one of his children. Which made him even madder!

I currently have 11 missed calls from him.

*normally shes my daughter in our occasional arguments but suddenly she HIS/OUR daughter

I think you are right that he expected he'd be able to get hold of what he sees as his daughter's share and now he finds out he won't be able to scrounge off her.

Unless he is really thick, I dont think he did think he could get any of the money.

Potentially when she is older and gets some say in it

But I suspect he was looking forward to bragging is dauvhter goea to private school. I know quite a few people who see that as giving that status.

People often presume if you kids go to private school you are wealthy and well to do. Some people like other having a false, but better view of them.

Not much to add OP but he is an absolute wanker.
Your boys lost their father! Your daughter still has her's. He is trying to escape his own responsibilities by freeloading from a man he never met. Some people are just dickheads.

Christ that trust is barbaric! I'm surprised it's legal!

Do the boys take control of the trust when they come of age?

That's what I was wondering too, Plantsitter. Normally the minor children receive their inheritance at some point in time. Although there are irrevocable trusts that pass from generation to generation, like the Kennedys or Hiltons.

I think it's ridiculous that OP would be forced out of the house, it should have had a 'life tenancy' for her. And what if one (or both) of the boys decided they wanted to keep the house?

I have a feeling that OP was browbeaten and taken advantage of during a very vulnerable period, even if she and her late husband were on the verge of separating.

@Theladyofshalot Have you ever had the terms of the trust reviewed by a different solicitor?

I haven’t reviewed the trust with anyone else. Again because each time you do it takes from the trust. Also I happy that the boys get what they do.

If you see the argument from a legal standpoint the family have funds from the trust so they must get a say. The downside is there is several of them and just one of me, token payments or otherwise.

The firm that runs the trust are great, they have the measure of the family and keep them firmly in their place. However they don’t lose sight that the agreement was the boys were the sole major beneficiaries and hammer that home to the family very often.

You have to remember this has been going on since my now strapping lads were wee babies - so it just par for the course.
I would also like to mention that though the boys know money is due to them they have never seen a penny of it in their own hands. The uni costs, school costs and such have always been paid directly too and from the trust. As such it’s like it not quite real to them.

They can choose, if they wish, to contest aspects of how the trust is held once they reach 21 to release money but so far they are not bothered. They are very level headed and as we have always been frugal they know that being pragmatic and balanced with finances the best approach. They have had part time jobs and saved to go to uni not relied on the trust – so I’m sure they will be just fine.

It should be noted that each time issues like this are debated the trust bills itself for the solicitors time/work and the money does come from the overall pot – whilst it’s not that much of an issue as the trust has been invested well I feel that the family enjoy knowing every dispute they raise costs the trust quite a bit of money. If you are wondering why they get a say they lied that DH was supporting them (a lie) so they have a stipend from the trust too but it’s a token sum so they get rights to discuss how the money is distributed to protect their interest*

Who actually put this trust in place.

I think at the very least it sounds like the solicitor who worded this document have been negligent for not thinking of the future. Of not advising you or even your ds’s On the glaring pit falls that come with the wording in this trust.
Not actually thinking about the future for them both in financial terms and for their mental health.

Whilst you were going through a rocky patch in your marriage at the time of his death who is to say that you might have turned things round and continued with the marriage.

As far as I can see you weren’t living together or living apart and seeing solicitors about divorce. You were both under one roof and married.

Is there anyway of taking legal advice on the legalities of this. You were after all in a state of mourning and being pressured to agree to something that wasn’t in both your ds’s best interests or yours and any future childrens or circumstances

I can see there is going to a huge split between you and your ds’s and your ds’s and your Dd in the future,

This trust is all about money and no where does it take care of your children emotionally.

I can see in a few years your Ds’s under the influence of your in laws evicting both you and your dd.

The whole thing doesn’t make sense.

Who was your solicitor and advising you?

Did they not think about the future

You've obviously reached the stage of not caring and that's great. I admire you because I feel angry on your behalf! Not because of the money per se but because of the punitive nature of the way it has been handled. Your ILs took advantage of you when you were very vulnerable. No doubt had you received the full amount with no trust involved you would have used it in the kids' best interests anyway. If I were your sons I'd be considering suing my own family when I was old enough for the attempt to damage the relationship between them and you and deny you what you were at the time legally entitled to.

Anyway none of my business anyway. I think kids notice differences in emotional treatment keenly, not so much financial. As there is a clear reason why they get this and your daughter doesn't - and I don't suppose you treat them differently emotionally - you should just carry on in the way that's easiest for you.

For those saying they feel for the daughter, her DF as good as he sounds is alive. Presumably she can take out a student loan, as most do.

I’m very unclear as to why you didn’t have a solicitor to ensure that, as a married women, you got what you were entitled to. I agree with pp above, this trust is unfair and didn’t recognise you as a legally married woman to her husband. At the time of DHs death you were not separated or divorced so this all sounds unfair. In the case I know about, the widow got everything bar the trust fund - so house and business etc.

From what it sounds like this trust for you and for everyone involved is a millstone round all of your necks.

The in laws are so wrapped up in this it sounds like it has taken over their lives. Their mission to look after this money and to stop the mother and the sister benefiting from it has become their lives work.

The sons who will end up being alienated from their own mother and sister because of the unfairness of a situation they had no part in making

Your dd who will see the unfairness between how she is brought up and what she can expect and her brothers

And you who if you had not heard of this money would have probably lived your life very differently.
Working f/t. Not jeopardising your career prospects and would now be facing a more certain future. Not waiting to be evicted from your home by your own children.

I think they sound like lovely lads with their heads screwed on right. I'm sure when the time comes for them to take over the trust/receive their inheritance they'll see that you and DD aren't disadvantaged.

I don't mean they'll hand over gobs of money, just that they'll see you aren't left homeless.

Why didn’t op get the family home? I’m bemused? Wasn’t there one? Were there no marital assets at all?

Lots of families don't have assets - they rent their homes.

Any news OP?

To visit the most recent questions.

I have no need to revisit the trust. It looks after the boys and I am happy with that. I grew up, I looked after myself and I didn’t need a penny of that money. Outside the very few bills mentioned paid for everything and I looked after them on my own.

Yes, I had the house bought for me as we rented a house when we were married - but I pay a comparable rent to stay in this one so in my eyes I can hold my head high.

I know every parent thinks their children are just the best people, all three of them are decent respectful, wonderful, funny and gentle souls (though I may be a tiny bit biased). I am genuinely excited for the boys to go to uni and get to experience all the personal growth that brings. They adore their sister and have always been doting big brothers. That being said there has never been any expectation that the money they receive is anybodys but theirs. I am not expecting anything to flow our way – it would be nice but I refuse to burden them with that expectation (also it gives me hives because that kind of sense of entitlement bred the behaviour for the DH family for years)

I am still mad with exFWB as it appears he is not letting this lie. I will admit it caused us to have a sit down as a family and actually talk about the whole thing (just us not FWB – that’s a conversation to happen later if at all). I was so worried beforehand that I could upset everyone, cause rifts or make my lovely daughter feel less than. We listened to what each of us had to say I explained the trust and the issues carefully with no bias. It turned out fine. In essence my daughter doesn’t feel disadvantaged, my sons don’t feel obligated and I feel a whole lot better. (This is very condensed as it was a long long discussion and we covered lots of topics)

My daughter has decided that she wants to be a vet and as a family we agreed that we will help where we can to make that happen for her (yes, she’s young and things may change) but I think it was really important to show that we stand together as a family. She’s very pragmatic and determined so has arranged volunteering and studies to compliment this career.

On a side note exFWB has moved out of the family home and in with a OW. This was told to my daughter during a visitation time along the lines of you have another baby brother or sister on the way! I’m not sure if his lovely Wife is pregnant or the OW. Who knows and I’m not asking!

What a prick he is.
You are right.
Also, why havent you sought CM off him?
I'd get that sorted and arrange day and time to suit you and your Daughter for him to see her.

I am astounded that you accepted the terms of the trust and that you didn't fight for child maintenance. You seem to take pride in being a push over but in refusing to fight for the money you're entitled to (and I mean you, not your children) you have denied yourself and them the security of a home that you own and the freedom to spend your money as you see fit to benefit your children.

If your husband had died without a will you would have been entitled to the lion's share of the estate (the first £270k plus half of anything left over) and the children would have got a smaller amount. His parents would have been entitled to fuck all.

If you had got divorced before he died, you would have been entitled to a fair share of the marital assets, plus child maintenance.

As it is you were completely fucked over and you seem to have been bullied into it but you have this weird martyrish attitude that you have no regrets. You seem happy for all of it to go to the boys and for you to be made homeless when they are old enough to take official ownership of the house.

Meanwhile you think that just because your FWB wanted you to get an abortion and you decided to continue the pregnancy, this somehow exempts him from supporting his child financially?! If he was so desperate not to father a child he should have used condoms or got a vasectomy. Even if you didn't want the money for yourself you could have put it in savings for your daughter. And any child maintenance from him would have been none of your ex's family's business, there would have been no need to disclose it to them. Given that you have no contact other than when you have to (eg for the trust) why would fear of what they think affect your decision?

I think you have been making a lot of excuses here but the bottom line is that you are not willing or able to be assertive and fight for the money that you and your daughter are entitled to.

It's far too late for the trust but you should tell FWB to support his own child financially. Demanding a share in the trust for her is completely unreasonable.

So it’a clear now why he kicked off - he just made a 4th child, probably hoped he’d directly or indirectly benefit from the trust money. I’d still put a CM claim, why his first child should be disadvantaged because he’s sexually incontinent and can’t pay for his children.

For someone who didn't want kids it's amazed that he's "accidentally" fathered four of them!

Irresponsible twat needs a vasectomy.

I completely see where you are coming from anotheremma.

The flipside of the same coin was to stay in a bitter and vicious war with DH family for years and years. I did that for a while at the beginning, I fought tooth and nail during the discretionary benefits investigations - and it eats you up. It sucks the joy from you in a weird way. The trust became a way we could all agree to put the whole thing to bed.

Whats you see as passivity I see as a conscious choice for freedom. What you see as martyrdom I see as letting go and enjoying what I have for what it is. There is a peace to be had in conceding when the people you love most in the world still win in the end.

Had we spilt at the time we had little money, no assets and two babies. It likely i would have been a young single mum with a supportive but low earning ex husband. So the CM would be no more than I get in stipend.

In my mind i was no worse off than I would have been. The boys were being looked after and we had the house. That was enough for me.

I would accuse him of the same. I would calmly point out, he finically supports his other two kids so he is treating her differently but not finically supporting her.

Fair enough. Still don't understand why you didn't pursue child maintenance from FWB though. But you said he's self employed so it would have been tricky. His attitude stinks but you know that!

Ok I will be totally honest here and I have never said this to a living soul.

After I had the boys my world crashed down round my ears. I was a widow but felt like i didn't have a right to mourn because he was a cheater and had already left me - everyone knew it, but I loved him and missed him - I was struggling and fighting, I was exhausted and overwhelmed. I was a mess. I was totally adrift in a stormy sea of betrayal, rage and grief.

When my daughter was born it was totally different. The boys loved her from the second they knew. My finances were in order, the house was sorted, I had savings/security, maternity leave and a support network. It was so easy. like a flower filled meadow on a late summers day.

I got to be with her, she was mine. She was my joyful do over.

Instead of crying at 2 in the morning feeling utterly overwhelmed doing the nightly feeds - I got to feel the love, take the time and enjoy my wonderful happy little family.

FWB made it clear he wanted an abortion, he was outraged as I had assured him that I was looking after contraception - He was just an ahole about it and any physical attraction for him withered up then and there.

In my heart of hearts secretly delighted that he didn't want any part of it. I was happy for her to be mine. Not to fight over visitation/money (because he would as he already had told me he was hiding money from his exwife during the divorce).

I just wanted him to go away.

So there you go - my dirty little secret

I should mention again at this point, he was only FWB and there was absolutely no way i would have chosen him to be a baby daddy or even a partner - so before anyone thinks i subconsciously wanted to get pregnant please be assured that wasn't the case at all.