AITA Treating my daughter differently than my sons

[Theladyofshalot]

Sorry for the long background, but gives you an idea of the issues being faced.

Mother of three. First two children, twin boys from first marriage. First husband was my school sweetheart and we got married very very young. Everyone expected us to have babies straightaway because they thought we were irresponsible youngsters. To be fair we probably would have but as it happened I had a medical issue so the boys didn’t come along until a few years later.

My husband died shortly after the boys were born. The circumstances of his death were heavily investigated as it happened at work. His employer were found at fault and we received a pay-out, compensation and additional from his small pension.

My husband and I had been considering separating after the discovery of his cheating while i was pregnant. He had moved into the spare room but at the point of his death everything had been pretty much amicable. His family were aware of the situation so the payouts became a huge family drama as his wider family felt that even though we hadn’t started any form of divorce I wasn’t entitled to anything because we were considering parting ways.

The whole thing got very nasty as the sums of money were substantial and the awards were appealed repeatedly by them with his employer and Pension Company (these types of payouts are considered discretionary so open to challenge) In the end oil was put on the water by confirming that outside of buying a house the rest was placed aside for the boys and their education. Please note that this was quite some time ago and boys are now due to start university.

10 years after this I started very casually dating FBW. We were only ever going to be FWB as I was not looking for anything serious and I had got used to my own company (I had not dated at all in the 10 years bringing up two kids and working full time leaves little space). He was dealing with the fallout from his very acrimonious divorce. Despite being careful I very surprisingly fell pregnant which was a massive shock bearing in mind how long it taken to fall pregnant with the boys. FBW was horrified as having children was never part of his life plan. (He’s since got married and had two children lol)

FWB has been part of his daughter’s life in that he does make time for her but he is never paid support or taken her overnight as he had very strong feelings at the time about how things should have been dealt with. He had zero interest really until she was an older child. He has a pattern and normally only comes by when he’s having issues with his kids/wife as our daughter was a bit of a daddy’s girl so is always pleased to see him and it flatters his ego (sorry I got a bit snarky there but he’s very cavalier with her and it makes my blood boil)

With this in mind I was LIVID yesterday when FWB popped in. We were casually discussing the boys uni when I realised that FWB was under the impression that our daughter will be going to a private school and had a university/house Fund put aside for her. I asked FBW with whose money? He pointed out that the boys had both these things. I explained that the boys have been funded by their fathers inheritance. Whereas our daughter was not and therefore wouldn’t have these opportunities unless we were both willing to pay ourselves.

FWB then got extremely upset as he had always thought she was going to get the same and went on a rant about how unfair it was. His argument was that the children were all one family and should be treated equally. The money was rightfully as much of *our daughter as it was my sons. I advised him that wasn’t the case that was a specific legal agreement the money was always for the boys.

He left an absolute rage and as advised that he is going to speak to a solicitor in this matter to protect his daughter’s interests. He then called me a Ahole and a terrible mother or i would fight for her right to have the same - but to be honest i just don't see it that way, the money was my husband providing for his children - she is not one of his children. Which made him even madder!

I currently have 11 missed calls from him.



*normally shes my daughter in our occasional arguments but suddenly she HIS/OUR daughter

[SundayChanger]

Yeah it’s between him and the trust. Let him try. I have been lucky to inherit 7 figures so far but have also had health issues so have given it thought.

I have changed it that certain savings will go to DH directly (this is nothing to do with what we have made together which this obviously doesn’t cover). Other monies/assets will go straight to DD and if there was an argument about it I would literally haunt him. I would understand if he wasn’t taken care of (and he is massively) but any children he had beyond me would not be my responsibility - not at my DD’s expense.

[AcrossthePond55]

I think sending the letter to the trust was absolutely the right thing to do. The 'argument' (if you want to call it that) is between ex-FWB and the trust, not between him and you.

[Theladyofshalot]

Nothing has happened to the OP. I've just not done anything worthy of posting or received any further correspondence.

I have explained the trust exhaustively and how it is set up. If the boys wanted to blow a fortune on a destination wedding they are welcome to, its their money - they would just advise and send the invoices to the trust. The DHFamily will not dispute it. They only dispute costs where I or my daughter can benefit or indirectly benefit.

[DrinkFeckArseGirls]

I think we know what happened to the OP for now

[LaureBerthaud]

Wonder what happened to the OP?

[LaureBerthaud]

It's an awfully strange Trust that would make the actual widow effectively homeless once the sons came of age.
And gave perpetual power to hostile parties like the the in laws .
And made provision for the sons' weddings. How does that work? Are they allowed a beach ceremony in the Seychelles or is it a register office then a catered buffet at the Red Lion? Do they have to run the plans past the in laws who can then decide if they're paying too much for the sausage rolls?

[marfisa]

I don't think you should ask her, it's putting too heavy a burden on a child. You've already discussed the whole issue with all three DC.

Just carry on with your excellent plan (sending the letter to the trust, filing for child support) and spare her the stress.

[Theladyofshalot]

Asking my daughter - now that's tricky.

One one hand it's inclusive and she will see the letter and know 100 percent what my intentions/reasons are, which appeals to me. However i would be worried that it will get her hopes up or worse make her feel that she at a tender age was made to be part of that decision? Also I have been very careful to down play the DHFamily shenanigans so I would have to broach why the letter needs to be written.

Ummmmm that's tough one.

[LaureBerthaud]

This is unbelievable!

My thoughts exactly ...

[BananasBananas]

This is unbelievable! Just 1 shit show after another. My blood is boiling for you!

I congratulate you on being such an amazing, level headed and bloody brilliant mother.

[picklemewalnuts]

"So that is my job for this morning. Dancing across tightrope with a hangover, above a pit of very angry crocodiles."

Love it! Good luck with that.

As a suggestion, how about you ask DD what she thinks, before wording your reply?

[Felifox]

I can totally understand that you don't want to upset the relationship between your two ds and their younger sibling. In that case I would send a copy of the letter to the trust's solicitors explaining that, asking if you should make any response to fwb's solicitor or if you can leave it to them to handle.

Good luck with this tricky situation, but it sounds in any case as though your sons are hard working young men and would in all probability assist their younger dsis should she need it.

[Theladyofshalot]

Thank you all for your kind advice. After drinking a few pints of water this morning (Oof, i haven't had a hangover in YEARS i had forgotten how not fun they are)

I have decided that i will forward the letter to the trust. I'm not sure of the legalities of withholding the information and i am not paying a solicitor to go over it. If the trust can refuse to engage i am sure they will.

I will have to do a very very carefully worded letter because if FWB tells my daughter that I deliberately blew up an effort to put her into the trust that may undo all the good feelings we have had going on here.

So that is my job for this morning. Dancing across tightrope with a hangover, above a pit of very angry crocodiles.

[billy1966]

OP, you sound as if you have done your best to achieve a peaceful life.

That twat has found the money for a solicitor when he hasn't ever contributed to the welfare of his child that he is now outraged over. The irony. Did he some how think he would get some? Hard to believe.

Wishing you well

[Catmaiden]

You have absolutely NO need or requirement to disclose details of your private financial arrangements re the trust with ex dickhead FWB!
Tell him to do one.
And

[AcrossthePond55]

Honestly, I think I'd speak to a solicitor and have them handle communications with not only FWB's solicitor, but your former iL's &/or the trust's solicitors, too.

[gavisconismyfriend]

You sound very wise and measured. Your children are blessed to have you as both a mum and a role model. You’ve done well trusting your gut instincts so far and have every reason to hold your head up high. Keep on keeping on OP, I hope all continues to go well for you and your children.

[Tisahardlife]

Wow, he sounds deluded if he thinks he can have any say in the trust. I agree with the idea of adding your own letter to the one you have received saying you do not support his request and sending that to the trust for husbands family (who sounds pretty grabby themselves to be honest).

I'm glad you've put the maintenance claim in, it's absolutely baffling that he sees it as the trust's responsibility to support his daughter, but not his responsibility.

[FilthyforFirth]

Surely you can just ignore this? I cant imagine someone entirely unconnected to the trust is able to gain information about it? I agree with pre-empting with DH family and tell them you are not supportive of this in anyway and have actively told him not to pursue it.

It sucks for DD but it is life sadly.

[picklemewalnuts]

I'm glad you got a few years to enjoy your DD without the hassle of these hopeless men! Your children are fortunate in having a sensible mum, able to prioritise their need in a way their fathers were not.

He's showing himself up as a despicable hypocrite. I wonder how he spins the story?

[Zilla1]

Well, OP, you seem to have been very patient with his outrage on behalf of a daughter for whom he's not paid. He must have had a hypocrisy bypass. His reaction regarding CMS will be a picture though sorry it is likely you'll have more stress. Are you the trustee or can you hand off the response to his solicitors to someone else as Trustee? Presumably he's having to fund the solicitors and his side of the claim himself so at least it's costing him money.

Don't think of the recent post as setting out a guilty secret. No contraception is 100% effective (even most sterilisation) so presumably you FWB was having unprotected (for him) sex.

Good luck and enjoy your family (DS' and DD).

[DPotter]

I agree - he simply can't demand to see the terms of a trust that has absolutely nothing to do with him.
I think it's totally appropriate for you to put in a CMS claim.

And I also agree that you should inform your DH's family - better coming from you than them hearing from the Trust's solicitor and you can dictate the timing that way. You can copy them the letter from FWB solicitors saying you in no way support this action.

[notapizzaeater]

Surely they can't just demand the details ? Bollocks to what he wants. Presume with the twins off to univ they are 'of age' so the trust has nothing to do with you now ?

[Jeezoh]

You poor thing. I’d refuse to give the details and let him waste his money trying to force you to disclose them. I can’t imagined you’re legally compelled to share this information but am in no way legally trained.

[Sisken]

There are other ways of quality parenting aside from money. Plus, private schools aren’t always the best on offer (writing this as a ten year plus teacher in the independent sector). Don’t allow him to make you feel guilty.