AITA Treating my daughter differently than my sons

[Theladyofshalot]

Sorry for the long background, but gives you an idea of the issues being faced.

Mother of three. First two children, twin boys from first marriage. First husband was my school sweetheart and we got married very very young. Everyone expected us to have babies straightaway because they thought we were irresponsible youngsters. To be fair we probably would have but as it happened I had a medical issue so the boys didn’t come along until a few years later.

My husband died shortly after the boys were born. The circumstances of his death were heavily investigated as it happened at work. His employer were found at fault and we received a pay-out, compensation and additional from his small pension.

My husband and I had been considering separating after the discovery of his cheating while i was pregnant. He had moved into the spare room but at the point of his death everything had been pretty much amicable. His family were aware of the situation so the payouts became a huge family drama as his wider family felt that even though we hadn’t started any form of divorce I wasn’t entitled to anything because we were considering parting ways.

The whole thing got very nasty as the sums of money were substantial and the awards were appealed repeatedly by them with his employer and Pension Company (these types of payouts are considered discretionary so open to challenge) In the end oil was put on the water by confirming that outside of buying a house the rest was placed aside for the boys and their education. Please note that this was quite some time ago and boys are now due to start university.

10 years after this I started very casually dating FBW. We were only ever going to be FWB as I was not looking for anything serious and I had got used to my own company (I had not dated at all in the 10 years bringing up two kids and working full time leaves little space). He was dealing with the fallout from his very acrimonious divorce. Despite being careful I very surprisingly fell pregnant which was a massive shock bearing in mind how long it taken to fall pregnant with the boys. FBW was horrified as having children was never part of his life plan. (He’s since got married and had two children lol)

FWB has been part of his daughter’s life in that he does make time for her but he is never paid support or taken her overnight as he had very strong feelings at the time about how things should have been dealt with. He had zero interest really until she was an older child. He has a pattern and normally only comes by when he’s having issues with his kids/wife as our daughter was a bit of a daddy’s girl so is always pleased to see him and it flatters his ego (sorry I got a bit snarky there but he’s very cavalier with her and it makes my blood boil)

With this in mind I was LIVID yesterday when FWB popped in. We were casually discussing the boys uni when I realised that FWB was under the impression that our daughter will be going to a private school and had a university/house Fund put aside for her. I asked FBW with whose money? He pointed out that the boys had both these things. I explained that the boys have been funded by their fathers inheritance. Whereas our daughter was not and therefore wouldn’t have these opportunities unless we were both willing to pay ourselves.

FWB then got extremely upset as he had always thought she was going to get the same and went on a rant about how unfair it was. His argument was that the children were all one family and should be treated equally. The money was rightfully as much of *our daughter as it was my sons. I advised him that wasn’t the case that was a specific legal agreement the money was always for the boys.

He left an absolute rage and as advised that he is going to speak to a solicitor in this matter to protect his daughter’s interests. He then called me a Ahole and a terrible mother or i would fight for her right to have the same - but to be honest i just don't see it that way, the money was my husband providing for his children - she is not one of his children. Which made him even madder!

I currently have 11 missed calls from him.



*normally shes my daughter in our occasional arguments but suddenly she HIS/OUR daughter

[AnotherEmma]

Not a dirty secret at all.
I am glad you found joy with DD after the pain of being cheated on and then bereaved.
None of the fathers or indeed extended family have covered themselves in glory!
But you have kept your head held high and done the best you could for your children by the sounds of it.
Good for youW

[edwinbear]

OP I'd take a guess that he has never bothered about financially providing for your daughter (regardless of your clearly complicated circumstances and feelings on the matter) is because he always assumed there was plenty of money 'in the pot' to treat her the same as the boys.

He has only just realised this is not, in fact, the case hence his extreme reaction. Do his DC from his marriage go to private school? If not, why should one of his children benefit from something his other DC will not?

[Euclid]

Dear OP I am glad that you now have the happy life with your DD and lovely sons.
The FWB sounds awful. He will get nowhere with a solicitor, as I am sure that when the money was put in trust for your sons the correct legal steps were taken and that it is "ring fenced" for them. (I am a trust solicitor.).

[Dovefeather]

The trust fund/inheritance issue must have been a nightmare for you.

And for them to determine that you, a young mother of twins on maternity leave, was not financially dependent on your husband who was still under your roof is appalling!

I really hope the in-laws do not drive a wedge between you and your dd and dss when they become adults.

[AcrossthePond55]

Well, I think you sound like a lovely, practical, and well-balanced woman who made the choices she felt best for herself and ALL her children. Well done to you!

At this point if you don't want to pursue CM from FWB, that's your choice. It's obvious that your DD will have all of her needs and some of her wants met and who can ask for more than that? To me, the only reason to ask for CM would be in the hopes that FWB does a disappearing act, but I guess DD probably wouldn't want that.

Is there any way you can just NOT talk to FWB? Arrange access with DD through either email or text? Or perhaps a parenting app?

.....FWB – that’s a conversation to happen later if at all

Honestly, I'd choose 'not at all'. You don't owe him any explanation and he certainly has no grounds for challenging the trust, so why even talk about it with him? My only worry would be that he tries to manipulate DD into thinking she's being 'hard done by'. IMO that would be grounds to stop contact.

[nicenames]

Well, firstly you are rather awesome OP and what a lucky girl your daughter is to be loved so fiercely, even if the financial benefits she may get are less.

Right, so on the finances:

• totally understand why you might not offer much in child support

• when your two go off to university, is it possible for you to make a conscious choice to put aside the saved grocery money you surely must be saving without teenage boys around for her future, in an attempt to level things up a bit - even £10 or £20/week up to 18 might add up to quite a large sum. I think that in these circumstances it would be ok to save on her behalf.

[nicenames]

Sorry was meant to say I understand why you wouldn't pursue child support.

I also think that, on the basis that your sons will have a house bought for them, it is fine to expect them to support themselves a bit more with some other purchases that you might later need to help your daughter with. Obviously not by being a Scrooge about it as it is not possible to level things up, but just to try to ensure that you can put aside some savings for your DD that may help her later.

[nicenames]

And I don't think FWB has a leg to stand on!

[Diarytime]

@Oliversmumsarmy

*
It should be noted that each time issues like this are debated the trust bills itself for the solicitors time/work and the money does come from the overall pot – whilst it’s not that much of an issue as the trust has been invested well I feel that the family enjoy knowing every dispute they raise costs the trust quite a bit of money. If you are wondering why they get a say they lied that DH was supporting them (a lie) so they have a stipend from the trust too but it’s a token sum so they get rights to discuss how the money is distributed to protect their interest*

Who actually put this trust in place.

I think at the very least it sounds like the solicitor who worded this document have been negligent for not thinking of the future. Of not advising you or even your ds’s On the glaring pit falls that come with the wording in this trust.
Not actually thinking about the future for them both in financial terms and for their mental health.

Whilst you were going through a rocky patch in your marriage at the time of his death who is to say that you might have turned things round and continued with the marriage.

As far as I can see you weren’t living together or living apart and seeing solicitors about divorce. You were both under one roof and married.

Is there anyway of taking legal advice on the legalities of this. You were after all in a state of mourning and being pressured to agree to something that wasn’t in both your ds’s best interests or yours and any future childrens or circumstances

I can see there is going to a huge split between you and your ds’s and your ds’s and your Dd in the future,

This trust is all about money and no where does it take care of your children emotionally.

I can see in a few years your Ds’s under the influence of your in laws evicting both you and your dd.

The whole thing doesn’t make sense.

Who was your solicitor and advising you?

Did they not think about the future

There’s so many things on this I want to say about your treatment by your in-laws when your dh died but I would be here all day. I’ve been in a a similar situation myself but in the end I had help to stand up to them and now I’m nc.
But for your fwb to expect a dead man to pay for his dd when he won’t put his own hand in his pocket is the lowest of the low.

[Theladyofshalot]

Oh deep joy - a solicitors letter has arrived this morning.

I've not opened it - it is just glaring at me from the kitchen side.

I just know its full if demands and justifications and i cba today, i just can't.

[Mamadoll]

Is it from your IL's or the xFWB? Honestly OP, you are saint for coping so well with all the shit that's been thrown at you from all directions. Your children are lucky to have you and will appreciate all of what you've done and continue to do for them.

I'm sure whatever is in the letter, you will be able to deal with as you've done many times before. Your strength is admirable. Chin up OP

[DrinkFeckArseGirls]

What a prick (if the letter’a from him). Funny how he has the money to spend in solicitors but not in his daughter.

[AcrossthePond55]

Oh good God! I'm assuming it's from FWB. You know, you can get a solicitor to write just about any letter you want if you pay their fee. On the other hand, could FWB have contacted the trustees/trust solicitor directly demanding money and it's from them?

I totally get not wanting to read it. Who wants that aggro? But sometimes a piece of post sitting there like a bomb is worse than ignoring it. Is there a friend who can open it and read it first and just tell you it's full of shit to put your mind at ease for today?

[Theladyofshalot]

I have opened it.

It is from FWB's solicitors it's actually milder than I thought. He is requesting the trust details as they will be looking to lodge a claim directly.

From what i can work out through the mishmash of legalese they are using me, as the widow, to crowbar the trust open as 'modern trusts' consider the widows needs are provided for - inclusive of the potential to get remarried and........ more importantly........ have other children. (I'll assume this is so a young widow isn't shacked to a trust, alone forever just to have money paid to them which is rightfully theirs?) I doubt it will work, its not a modern trust and i don't think it can be retrospectively changed and i will assume the DH Family would get a say anyway.

The DH Family are going to go nuclear - they are 100% going to think that I instigated this as a cash grab before the boys leave for university.

I have had the wonderful company of a socially distanced friend in the garden this afternoon, had a glass of wine or three and made some poor decisions.

I'm so angry that he has casually decided to poop all over my life i have opened a CMS claim via the online form in petty revenge as I know he will be enraged! (right action - wrong reasons!)

Now i'll just have to wait for the fallout.

I think i will do that in the garden with another glass of wine.

(any bad spelling/grammar - blame the wine)

[DrinkFeckArseGirls]

On the face of it, unless some legal eagle will correct me, you don’t have to give him the trust details 🤷‍♀️ Who does he think he is that he’d be entitled to this information. If he wants to take you to court, then good luck to him. Can’t believe he paid for a solicitor but has not been paying CM.

[picklemewalnuts]

Speak to your late husbands family immediately. Write, tell them that you are not in support of this move on his part, and hope the trustees agree to shut it down as fast as possible.

[DelphiniumBlue]

This is ridiculous, what claim are they looking to lodge?
I wouldn't be giving them details of the trust fund. If they really think they are entitled to the details, let them get a court order saying so.
If you bother to write back, just ask them what claim do they have in mind.
As a former lawyer, I actually can't imagine what the claim might be. Let them lodge whatever claim they see fit, at which point you can consider whether to take legal advice yourself.
Alternatively, you could put them in contact with whoever are the trustees, I expect they will soon see them off.

[Sewrainbow]

You poor thing you absolutely don't need this. I'd say he thought your dds bread was buttered for good without any cost to him. He is an idiot of the highest order. He has no right to insist on this even if he had paid maintenance over the years.

And yes the family are likely to explode over it, given what you have said about them. Can you explain to the trust that it is not from your instigation?

I hope that for your and your kids sake he doesnt get what he wants. You are not a bad parent and are not unreasonable in treating your daughter differently. It isn't because you are choosing to it's because the circumstances are different.

Congratulations on raising such balanced children who can see this even if fwb can't.

[HollowTalk]

I'm really horrified that your husband's family were legally allowed to interfere like that. He was a grown man and though you and he had your problems, you were married with his children. Honestly, I'm really struggling with this.

Will you have to leave your home at some point so that it can be passed over to the boys?

[HollowTalk]

And I'm really struggling that you have come across not only your in laws and their grasping ways, but a FWB who can match them!

[Sisken]

There are other ways of quality parenting aside from money. Plus, private schools aren’t always the best on offer (writing this as a ten year plus teacher in the independent sector). Don’t allow him to make you feel guilty.

[Jeezoh]

You poor thing. I’d refuse to give the details and let him waste his money trying to force you to disclose them. I can’t imagined you’re legally compelled to share this information but am in no way legally trained.

[notapizzaeater]

Surely they can't just demand the details ? Bollocks to what he wants. Presume with the twins off to univ they are 'of age' so the trust has nothing to do with you now ?

[DPotter]

I agree - he simply can't demand to see the terms of a trust that has absolutely nothing to do with him.
I think it's totally appropriate for you to put in a CMS claim.

And I also agree that you should inform your DH's family - better coming from you than them hearing from the Trust's solicitor and you can dictate the timing that way. You can copy them the letter from FWB solicitors saying you in no way support this action.

[Zilla1]

Well, OP, you seem to have been very patient with his outrage on behalf of a daughter for whom he's not paid. He must have had a hypocrisy bypass. His reaction regarding CMS will be a picture though sorry it is likely you'll have more stress. Are you the trustee or can you hand off the response to his solicitors to someone else as Trustee? Presumably he's having to fund the solicitors and his side of the claim himself so at least it's costing him money.

Don't think of the recent post as setting out a guilty secret. No contraception is 100% effective (even most sterilisation) so presumably you FWB was having unprotected (for him) sex.

Good luck and enjoy your family (DS' and DD).