AITA Treating my daughter differently than my sons

[Theladyofshalot]

Sorry for the long background, but gives you an idea of the issues being faced.

Mother of three. First two children, twin boys from first marriage. First husband was my school sweetheart and we got married very very young. Everyone expected us to have babies straightaway because they thought we were irresponsible youngsters. To be fair we probably would have but as it happened I had a medical issue so the boys didn’t come along until a few years later.

My husband died shortly after the boys were born. The circumstances of his death were heavily investigated as it happened at work. His employer were found at fault and we received a pay-out, compensation and additional from his small pension.

My husband and I had been considering separating after the discovery of his cheating while i was pregnant. He had moved into the spare room but at the point of his death everything had been pretty much amicable. His family were aware of the situation so the payouts became a huge family drama as his wider family felt that even though we hadn’t started any form of divorce I wasn’t entitled to anything because we were considering parting ways.

The whole thing got very nasty as the sums of money were substantial and the awards were appealed repeatedly by them with his employer and Pension Company (these types of payouts are considered discretionary so open to challenge) In the end oil was put on the water by confirming that outside of buying a house the rest was placed aside for the boys and their education. Please note that this was quite some time ago and boys are now due to start university.

10 years after this I started very casually dating FBW. We were only ever going to be FWB as I was not looking for anything serious and I had got used to my own company (I had not dated at all in the 10 years bringing up two kids and working full time leaves little space). He was dealing with the fallout from his very acrimonious divorce. Despite being careful I very surprisingly fell pregnant which was a massive shock bearing in mind how long it taken to fall pregnant with the boys. FBW was horrified as having children was never part of his life plan. (He’s since got married and had two children lol)

FWB has been part of his daughter’s life in that he does make time for her but he is never paid support or taken her overnight as he had very strong feelings at the time about how things should have been dealt with. He had zero interest really until she was an older child. He has a pattern and normally only comes by when he’s having issues with his kids/wife as our daughter was a bit of a daddy’s girl so is always pleased to see him and it flatters his ego (sorry I got a bit snarky there but he’s very cavalier with her and it makes my blood boil)

With this in mind I was LIVID yesterday when FWB popped in. We were casually discussing the boys uni when I realised that FWB was under the impression that our daughter will be going to a private school and had a university/house Fund put aside for her. I asked FBW with whose money? He pointed out that the boys had both these things. I explained that the boys have been funded by their fathers inheritance. Whereas our daughter was not and therefore wouldn’t have these opportunities unless we were both willing to pay ourselves.

FWB then got extremely upset as he had always thought she was going to get the same and went on a rant about how unfair it was. His argument was that the children were all one family and should be treated equally. The money was rightfully as much of *our daughter as it was my sons. I advised him that wasn’t the case that was a specific legal agreement the money was always for the boys.

He left an absolute rage and as advised that he is going to speak to a solicitor in this matter to protect his daughter’s interests. He then called me a Ahole and a terrible mother or i would fight for her right to have the same - but to be honest i just don't see it that way, the money was my husband providing for his children - she is not one of his children. Which made him even madder!

I currently have 11 missed calls from him.



*normally shes my daughter in our occasional arguments but suddenly she HIS/OUR daughter

[Twigletfairy]

Your boys only have the money because their father died.

Her father isn't dead. If he wants the same for her, he better stumping up some cash. It's not up to her siblings to pay for an education for her. I get it may seem unfair, but perhaps the boys thought it unfair for their father to die while they were young.

[Hearhoovesthinkzebras]

We'll, it isn't fair that two children get so many advantages and the third child doesn't but that might have happened if you and your dh had separated because he could have chosen to send his sons to private school and put them through uni anyway.

Why haven't you pursued the FWB for child support? That money could have been put in a fund to at least help your DD have some of the advantages that her brothers have?

So, no, I don't agree that she is entitled not her brothers' inheritance but she is entitled to have financial support from.her father. You should make.a claim to the CSA on her behalf.

[Tappering]

I'd give him one response:

Let me get this straight: Despite never having paid a penny towards our daughter, you are now suddenly so concerned about her interests that you want to get legal advice to see if she can benefit from an inheritance which is nothing to do with her, or you. And you are kicking off at me despite the fact that it's actually nothing to do with me either. Good luck with that. What a shame you have money to burn on solicitor's fees but aren't willing to pay a single penny for your daughter's upkeep.

Then delete, block and tell him to do one if he turns up on your doorstep.

[Runbitchrun]

If this doesn’t make you pursue maintenance, then you’re nuts.

[SleepingStandingUp]

your boys have so much and your DD has nothing. she has a living father with whom she has some semblance of a relationship who could put his hand in his pocket if he cares that much. The boys will never have that. They all have a living mother. Op is presumably still planning on sending her child to school so will have an education. In a decade op may be able to help with uni costs, or DD can get a loan or perhaps will choose another option. Saying she has nothing because she doesn't go to private school is a bit ridiculous

[Lockdownlover]

His assumptions make him an absolute dickhead. It is up to him to provide for his children, However, don’t you want the same opportunities for your dd as your boys have had? Whilst your boys have been funded through money left to them by their dad, I would have made a plan when dd was born to squirrel money away to allow her the same opportunities. I totally agree that it is both of your responsibility, but it sounds like he can’t be counted on for anything.

[Elsiebear90]

I’m a bit confused about who received what money. Was the money your boys received after your husband passed away legally put in a trust fund for them as per his or his family’s wishes? Or did you decide to put some money away in a savings account for them? Did all of the money go to them or did it go to you and you decided to leave it to them? As his wife surely it would have gone to you first?


I think if the money legally had to go the boys then there’s nothing you could do anyway about giving your daughter some to try to make it “fair” as it’s not your money. However, if you received a large sum and decided to put some away for them, but haven’t done the same for your daughter, I think it’s a tad unfair on her as he is right you’re all one family now (you and the kids) and it wouldn’t sit right with me that she would be treated so differently to them when you had access to a large sum of money and could have chosen to put some aside for her too. It’s a tricky situation as she’s not your late husband’s child and her father is still alive, but I think even a small amount put away by yourself (if the money was legally yours) to help her would have been nice if possible.

[picklemewalnuts]

Gracious OP, you have been unfortunate in your relationships!

[Jaxhog]

How does he have the unmitigated gall to expect you to pay for a 'privileged' education and house for a daughter he does not support?!

Assuming the money is in trust for your sons and only to go towards specific things, there should be no way you can change this. Of course, your sons may have the power to share once they have reached an age of majority. But I would guess this won't be until they are at least 21 years old. Even then, they should feel under no obligation to do so. Certainly not by your FWB for 'his' daughter - who HE doesn't support.

Of course, it's a shame that your daughter won't have the same start in life as your sons. But that's life, unfortunately. I would, however, be going to CS to get at least some support for her. It's HER right to supported by her Dad however minimally.

[Theladyofshalot]

FWB and I stopped seeing each other just after I found out I was pregnant - so no he’s still not an actual FWB.

He’s normally an Ok guy, honest. Flaky and a teeny bit selfish but that’s why he was only ever going to be a FWB!

I’m still amazed he went on to get married again and have kids as he’s really not made for them to be honest. I do feel for his poor wife (I’ve met her she’s absolutely lovely, a really nice lady and totally more than he deserves)

In regards to my daughter’s home life - it was exactly the same for all three children because only school was different. As the boys were so much older than her they have always gone to a different school so It never really came up.

All the money only gets allocated later in life and for set reasons (education/house/weddings and so on) so the boys haven’t really talked about it much or relied on it because they haven’t really seen any of it. They are good steady lads who are grateful they have the means to fund further education.

As I mentioned FWB is a bit casual with her but I think the boys, who didn’t have a dad kind of made her feel that she should have some sort of relationship because he is here. So I chose to keep neutral and just treat him like an old acquaintance that happens to pop by.

Wow, I have just listened to a voicemail - hes not calmed down at all. Hes yelling about it being unjust, biased, how its going to screw her over. Its terrible, disgusting that as her mum im happy for this to happen is a huge betrayal and she will end up hating me......

[Soubriquet]

More like she will end up hating him for not standing by and raising his daughter, not contributing towards anything for her, and happily pops in and out at his own behest

[Soubriquet]

Just say their dad died! Youre still here.

Help out if it bothers you that much

[monkeymonkey2010]

He left an absolute rage and as advised that he is going to speak to a solicitor in this matter to protect his daughter’s interests

Perhaps you should put in a claim for maintenance now seeing as he's 'realised' that children cost money?

[HalloumiSalad]

The fwb is literally expecting two young men to dish out their share of what financial security they have left to them, which is all they have in lieux of a living parent who would otherwise provide that during their life, to his own daughter whose lack of similar financial security is down to her equivalent living parent not wanting to offer her any kind of security at all. And despite the fact that he is the one who has put her in that position he is cross about it!? He is a lovely piece of free loading work isn't he. I'm stunned he is so lacking in self awareness.

[LaurieFairyCake]

You've still not explained why he isn't contributing to her upkeep?

You should say to him that you're glad he's so concerned and that you will expect maintenance and back maintenance for all these years!

[Whenwillthisbeover]

I think now is the time to give him the hard cold facts and some home truths. It is incredible he is thinking this way.

[Batfinklestein]

My god, he is a total prick. Does he not have the intelligence to understand how a trust works? I don't know how he would ever assume that would cover his daughter.
Your son's family are also awful! I'm sorry you had to go through court with them at what must have been an awful time.

I'd go with @Tappering 's response
Let me get this straight: Despite never having paid a penny towards our daughter, you are now suddenly so concerned about her interests that you want to get legal advice to see if she can benefit from an inheritance which is nothing to do with her, or you. And you are kicking off at me despite the fact that it's actually nothing to do with me either. Good luck with that. What a shame you have money to burn on solicitor's fees but aren't willing to pay a single penny for your daughter's upkeep.

Can you apply for CMS? I don't know why you wouldn't have done this when it became clear he felt he could pay nothing for his child.

[monkeymonkey2010]

I don't get why you gave him time to stand in your house and spew his bile instead of giving him home truths about being an irresponsible father who doesn't even provide for his own child!
why should someone else be paying HIS share towards his daughter?

[DPotter]

You definitely need to put in an Child maintenance claim today.

Does his wife know he's the father of your DD - that'll put the cat amongst the pigeons and give him something else to think about.
If the calls and messages continue, I would suggest you treat it as harassment.

[funinthesun19]

Children in a family with different parents will sometimes have different opportunities. You’re not unreasonable to let your sons benefit from the money they received after their father died. They don’t have to share this money because it’s for them.
What happens with your daughter’s future and education is between you and her delightful father. Don’t bring your sons in to it.

I’d say this if it was the other way around and it was your daughter with the money. Children with different parents won’t always have the same.

[Apolloanddaphne]

If he is so worried about the inequality of the situation then he needs to step up and start saving for his DD. The trust money is not for her and there is little he, or anyone else, can do about it. Just ignore him.

[DontTouchTheMoustache]

OP you haven't answered why he isnt paying CM?

[Windyatthebeach]

Does his dw know about dd?
Time to block him op.
And Cms.

[greenkit]

Well after his voicemail, I would be replying that yes he is correct and you are going to pursue him for maintenance and back payment, as it is rather unfair and he should pay for his child.

[StrictlyAFemaleFemale]

What a prick.