AITA Treating my daughter differently than my sons

[Theladyofshalot]

Sorry for the long background, but gives you an idea of the issues being faced.

Mother of three. First two children, twin boys from first marriage. First husband was my school sweetheart and we got married very very young. Everyone expected us to have babies straightaway because they thought we were irresponsible youngsters. To be fair we probably would have but as it happened I had a medical issue so the boys didn’t come along until a few years later.

My husband died shortly after the boys were born. The circumstances of his death were heavily investigated as it happened at work. His employer were found at fault and we received a pay-out, compensation and additional from his small pension.

My husband and I had been considering separating after the discovery of his cheating while i was pregnant. He had moved into the spare room but at the point of his death everything had been pretty much amicable. His family were aware of the situation so the payouts became a huge family drama as his wider family felt that even though we hadn’t started any form of divorce I wasn’t entitled to anything because we were considering parting ways.

The whole thing got very nasty as the sums of money were substantial and the awards were appealed repeatedly by them with his employer and Pension Company (these types of payouts are considered discretionary so open to challenge) In the end oil was put on the water by confirming that outside of buying a house the rest was placed aside for the boys and their education. Please note that this was quite some time ago and boys are now due to start university.

10 years after this I started very casually dating FBW. We were only ever going to be FWB as I was not looking for anything serious and I had got used to my own company (I had not dated at all in the 10 years bringing up two kids and working full time leaves little space). He was dealing with the fallout from his very acrimonious divorce. Despite being careful I very surprisingly fell pregnant which was a massive shock bearing in mind how long it taken to fall pregnant with the boys. FBW was horrified as having children was never part of his life plan. (He’s since got married and had two children lol)

FWB has been part of his daughter’s life in that he does make time for her but he is never paid support or taken her overnight as he had very strong feelings at the time about how things should have been dealt with. He had zero interest really until she was an older child. He has a pattern and normally only comes by when he’s having issues with his kids/wife as our daughter was a bit of a daddy’s girl so is always pleased to see him and it flatters his ego (sorry I got a bit snarky there but he’s very cavalier with her and it makes my blood boil)

With this in mind I was LIVID yesterday when FWB popped in. We were casually discussing the boys uni when I realised that FWB was under the impression that our daughter will be going to a private school and had a university/house Fund put aside for her. I asked FBW with whose money? He pointed out that the boys had both these things. I explained that the boys have been funded by their fathers inheritance. Whereas our daughter was not and therefore wouldn’t have these opportunities unless we were both willing to pay ourselves.

FWB then got extremely upset as he had always thought she was going to get the same and went on a rant about how unfair it was. His argument was that the children were all one family and should be treated equally. The money was rightfully as much of *our daughter as it was my sons. I advised him that wasn’t the case that was a specific legal agreement the money was always for the boys.

He left an absolute rage and as advised that he is going to speak to a solicitor in this matter to protect his daughter’s interests. He then called me a Ahole and a terrible mother or i would fight for her right to have the same - but to be honest i just don't see it that way, the money was my husband providing for his children - she is not one of his children. Which made him even madder!

I currently have 11 missed calls from him.

*normally shes my daughter in our occasional arguments but suddenly she HIS/OUR daughter

NAH - No A-holes Here.

Children are individuals and what is best for one isn't necessarily best for another.

Parental responsibilities include advocating for the best interests of your children. The actions of your xFWB could be interpreted this way - he believes you (singular) are in a position to provide better for your (plural) daughter. Whether private school is the right/best choice for a particular child is something parents need to consider based on the individual and their other options.

Focus on what is best for your daughter; balanced with the interests of your sons. Perhaps consider that if you had eventually divorced your original partner, this would probably have seen a good settlement for you given children were involved. That money would have been yours to use as you choose, including supporting children of future relationships.

Should you choose private on the belief it is in your daughters best interests then who cares if he boasts about where she goes to school.

Oh and arrange maintenance from the xFWB!

Go ahead and go for the CMS. You may not get much, certainly not enough for private school, but what you DO get will mean something to your DD at some point in her life. Maybe it will be enough to pay for an activity she wants to do, or if you're able to save it perhaps it can pay for driving lessons, Uni books, or something else when she's old enough.

And ignore the people saying that you are obligated to 'make it equal' with your sons' inheritance. You aren't obligated in any way. Besides, that's probably totally unrealistic unless you have the ability to earn a six-figure wage.

Given the age difference of more than 10 years it s bound to be different....your dd benefits from the house and yeh it s different eg state school but not disaster.
Get the child maintenance
Ignore him otherwise

He clearly assumed something which wasmt true

“There are some vey silly arguments being put forward here. The DD, in effect, might as well not have a dad because he’s ignored her. That’s an ongoing hurt and the death of a dad and an ongoing absent dad are both a problem. However one had money attached and the other is just an empty void. It would be unusual for such a good start to be bestowed in two half siblings and then expect the other to be totally happy with sucking it up knowing mum could have made a difference but didn’t bother. Aspects of family life such as this cause rifts” 👏👏👏

OP you have no control. The money is your sons by law. Their father provided for them....if your ex wants the same for your daughter then he needs to start saving!

Your husband provided for his kids. FWB needs to provide for his kids.

However your boys have cash instead of a living dad. Your daughter has a living dad instead of cash.

Ask FWB if he died, would be be happy for his inheritance money to be split between his/your daughter and your sons? Because that’s the same as what he’s expecting. I bet he would want his inheritance money to go only to her.

Nah, he'd probably want his inheritance money to go only to his other two children from his marriage.

He claims your boys having this trust fund is a gross injustice to his daughter....He feels so strongly he is seeing a solicitor to force you into giving her a house and a lump sum. (He thinks)....

YET he thought your DD WAS getting the same as your sons and his DDs were not going to be getting the same but he was fine with that?

BE REALLY HONEST

He shows up when he wants, he pays nothing, has never had her overnight, so she is conveniently forgettable and irrelevant when out of sight BUT he thought she was getting a free house THE WHOLE TIME (before she was conceived?), She isn't and he's fucking furious. WHY?

Have you ever asked him outright? "Did your belief she was going to get given a house affect your decision to keep popping round and playing dad?"
Because he is acting like you've taken something from him.

"His argument was that the children were all one family and should be treated equally"

Technically his 2 DDs are your DDs family too, have he and his wife written your THREE kids into their wills?

This is your sons money left in trust for them so his solicitors can’t do anything. I feel for your daughter though having a father who thinks she shouldn’t be treated differently but he spends more time with his other children, pays for them, etc but wouldn’t contribute a penny on her. Such an irony

And if he dies and leaves something for your DD in his will, he most certainly wouldn’t be leaving something for your sons. They can’t be equal but he can pay for his daughter like a decent human being would

I’d do exactly what your doing. Tell him he’s welcome to seek legal advice if that’s what he wants, it’s his money he’s wasting. But essentially I’d be pointing out that if he wants your daughter to be treated the same, he needs to supply the money to achieve that - as your sons dad provided the money for them (albeit through payouts rather than maintenance etc)

Firstly - clearly your XFWB is massively unreasonable. How dare he think he should have an opinion about funding of his daughter, when he doesn't fund her himself?

I can understand your decision not to request CMS initially if he had actively not wanted the pregnancy to continue (although morally he should have contributed anyway) but if he now wants to be a part of her life and wants to have some right to be involved in any decisions about her life, then he absolutely needs to start paying up. And I think you should be asking for CMS money. Even if it's not a lot, it can go into a savings account for your daughter to help towards her future.

Secondly, of course you cannot fund your daughter from the trust - that money is clearly for your sons.

However. I do think there needs to be some attempt by you to level up your daughter's prospects so she is not so massively disadvantaged in comparison. I don't think that private school is the main issue though. It's perfectly possible to get a decent education in state school. I wouldn't be concerned about that.

But what will make a material difference to her is the funding of a house and wedding, and university (to a lesser extent). It would be very difficult for her to see her older brothers set up for life by being able to start their adult lives with no student debt, and being able to own homes at a young age. That will be a massive disparity in lifestyle as an adult, and it would be hard for anyone not to resent that, particularly if your 'compensation' is by having a living father who doesn't really give a damn about you.

Out of interest @Theladyofshalot, the house you live in now, is that yours, or is it also in trust for your sons? When you die, will you be able to leave it equally to all three children?

Either way, I think it would be wise to try and make provisions for your daughter's future to minimise the discrepancy between her and her brothers in later life.

I agree with the poster above. Your sons are entitled to what their father left them. Your exFWB is an arse to demand a share of someone else's inheritance for his daughter (though it sounds like things are tied up to prevent that anyway.) However it's for you and her bio father to try and build some increase in advantages for your daughter.

As pps have pointed out you'll have had a rent free house for you and your daughter until your sons are adults (possibly some years beyond). Presumably you work? What are you doing with that huge saving? What about some sort of investment for your daughter? You should also be claiming CMS and adding that to her fund.

What are you doing with that huge saving?

We don't know the OPs job, hours, wages. With lower outgoings she may have worked part-time to be there for her children rather than pay for child care. If she's on a low wage there may not have been that much to save.

There's a lot of assumptions being made.

No, the house is not mine it belongs to the trust. The stipend I receive to pay the bills is reduced to reflect a contribution to the ‘rent’ from me and my daughter to reside (it’s not quite rent - they get around things like not having to a gas safety check and so on - I can’t remember the word) and only major bills relating to the house alone have two thirds paid CT/Insurance/Boiler cover/maintenance/upkeep.

All other bills like food/electric/gas/water are mine to cover. (DH family are currently arguing a further reduction in contributions to take into account four ‘adult’ people in the house two of which are not part of the trust, two of which will be residing part time due to uni) I swear they see every penny that leaves the trust as a personal insult. If I did get child support I am sure they would have recalculated the trust accordingly

I worked part time when the boys were little and full time when they started school (the family refused to accept any childcare costs under the trust). So no, not rolling in it as they hobbled my earning potential and having the stipend only took some of the weight off. Though having a secure home can’t be overstated.

It should be noted that each time issues like this are debated the trust bills itself for the solicitors time/work and the money does come from the overall pot – whilst it’s not that much of an issue as the trust has been invested well I feel that the family enjoy knowing every dispute they raise costs the trust quite a bit of money. If you are wondering why they get a say they lied that DH was supporting them (a lie) so they have a stipend from the trust too but it’s a token sum so they get rights to discuss how the money is distributed to protect their interest.

There was never any contribution to the boy’s upkeep or costs outside of the bills mentioned above all the money except for the house is nailed down to specific events or situations. The only thing outside this was all school dinners were paid for and weirdly a ‘tuck shop’ payment per month for each. Nothing for uniforms, shoes, clothes, sports kit or the myriad of other costs.

I do have some savings but that mainly was to pay towards a house when the boys leave home as it will be absorbed back into the trust. My daughter and I will need somewhere to move to.
I would like to reiterate the backdated cost of child support at the applicable rate would not cover even one house purchase/uni/wedding or private school …….even if he had paid it!

With all the will in the world she will never have access to the sums the boys have – the money was very well invested for them and very significant at the time, more so now. If FWB paid significantly more than he was due to it would not match what one of the boys alone will gain.

I should also mention his wife called me yesterday to tell me he was being a total 'idiot'. (She used the C word lol)

He’s now angry with her too as she told him so. Apparently he was calling sols though.

She was as baffled as me why he’s suddenly up in arms about this – we are not sure he thought he would profit in some way? But even if she was included in the trust it would be the same circumstances as the boys and that’s nailed down - so there is no magic money waiting to thrown about for people to get their mitts on.

We discussed if it was just the inequality of it all that geared him up into righteous indignation but to be entirely honest he’s not the type.

So we are both baffled.

I've never considered it only because she does fantastically well in the school she is in. She has a great frendship circle and goes to loads of clubs/events.

Whilst the boys were in a different school, one that's paid for they did just as well.

There has never been any obvious inequality in our home life as i have paid for all three day to day. The school is the only difference and shes not really paid it any mind as they have always been in different school to her mainly due to the age gap anyway.

Apparently he was calling sols though.
Sorry, what does that mean?

@TIMTTS - She heard him calling a number of solicitor firms

Oh, sorry! I really wouldn't worry about the solicitors, I think it's fairly obvious what their advice would be.
It's good that his wife can see this for what it is, she may be the only one able to talk him down?

That’s interesting that his wife feels so strongly that he’s a C over this and felt compelled to call you to tell you this. Is she aware he doesn’t pay for his child at all? She’s seems like the type to speak her mind so could she make him see what an unforgivable twat he is for financially neglecting his child?
I just can’t understand why she would knowingly marry a man like this. Baffled.

Don't worry about the solliciters/ court case. The judge will laugh him out of court.

I would look into if there is a possibility that the inlaws have less to say about your life via the trust. You sound like a hostage.

If you have any spare money I'd try to save (even if it's just partially) for uni for your daughter. Private school isn't as important as uni imo. She can still do fine without private school but uni can make a big difference to her future.

Just read your update Theladyofshalot. Good gracious, your DH's in laws are a shower. It makes ex FWB's attitude even more inexplicable. It also is another reason not to push the maintenance angle.

Agree with pp you sound like a hostage to the in laws. Its awful how involved they are. Could you revisit this agreement? It could be worth it.