AITA Treating my daughter differently than my sons

[Theladyofshalot]

Sorry for the long background, but gives you an idea of the issues being faced.

Mother of three. First two children, twin boys from first marriage. First husband was my school sweetheart and we got married very very young. Everyone expected us to have babies straightaway because they thought we were irresponsible youngsters. To be fair we probably would have but as it happened I had a medical issue so the boys didn’t come along until a few years later.

My husband died shortly after the boys were born. The circumstances of his death were heavily investigated as it happened at work. His employer were found at fault and we received a pay-out, compensation and additional from his small pension.

My husband and I had been considering separating after the discovery of his cheating while i was pregnant. He had moved into the spare room but at the point of his death everything had been pretty much amicable. His family were aware of the situation so the payouts became a huge family drama as his wider family felt that even though we hadn’t started any form of divorce I wasn’t entitled to anything because we were considering parting ways.

The whole thing got very nasty as the sums of money were substantial and the awards were appealed repeatedly by them with his employer and Pension Company (these types of payouts are considered discretionary so open to challenge) In the end oil was put on the water by confirming that outside of buying a house the rest was placed aside for the boys and their education. Please note that this was quite some time ago and boys are now due to start university.

10 years after this I started very casually dating FBW. We were only ever going to be FWB as I was not looking for anything serious and I had got used to my own company (I had not dated at all in the 10 years bringing up two kids and working full time leaves little space). He was dealing with the fallout from his very acrimonious divorce. Despite being careful I very surprisingly fell pregnant which was a massive shock bearing in mind how long it taken to fall pregnant with the boys. FBW was horrified as having children was never part of his life plan. (He’s since got married and had two children lol)

FWB has been part of his daughter’s life in that he does make time for her but he is never paid support or taken her overnight as he had very strong feelings at the time about how things should have been dealt with. He had zero interest really until she was an older child. He has a pattern and normally only comes by when he’s having issues with his kids/wife as our daughter was a bit of a daddy’s girl so is always pleased to see him and it flatters his ego (sorry I got a bit snarky there but he’s very cavalier with her and it makes my blood boil)

With this in mind I was LIVID yesterday when FWB popped in. We were casually discussing the boys uni when I realised that FWB was under the impression that our daughter will be going to a private school and had a university/house Fund put aside for her. I asked FBW with whose money? He pointed out that the boys had both these things. I explained that the boys have been funded by their fathers inheritance. Whereas our daughter was not and therefore wouldn’t have these opportunities unless we were both willing to pay ourselves.

FWB then got extremely upset as he had always thought she was going to get the same and went on a rant about how unfair it was. His argument was that the children were all one family and should be treated equally. The money was rightfully as much of *our daughter as it was my sons. I advised him that wasn’t the case that was a specific legal agreement the money was always for the boys.

He left an absolute rage and as advised that he is going to speak to a solicitor in this matter to protect his daughter’s interests. He then called me a Ahole and a terrible mother or i would fight for her right to have the same - but to be honest i just don't see it that way, the money was my husband providing for his children - she is not one of his children. Which made him even madder!

I currently have 11 missed calls from him.



*normally shes my daughter in our occasional arguments but suddenly she HIS/OUR daughter

[Cantbelievethiss]

He absolutely should be paying maintenance. Ridiculous.

[ArtieFufkinPolymerRecords]

FWB was very clear what he wanted but I went ahead for me and me alone – so making him pay for what was a selfish decision on my part seemed very unfair

He decided to have sex with you. Just because you decided not to abort the resulting pregnancy does not mean he shouldn't have to deal with the consequences of his actions.

[fascinated]

I know the money can’t come from the trust.

But that’s no help to the daughter.

I’d like to see an automatic deduction for maintenance from nonresident parents (in practice, mostly fathers) named on birth certificates. The way single mums are saddled with this is disgraceful. Kids are missing out on what is rightfully theirs and mothers are forced to beg and scrimp.

[SaladSeason]

@Artie - spot on.

OP, he has involved himself in DD's life and now thinks he has a right to an opinion. He should therefore be contributing to her upkeep.

CMS. Now.

[Whatsnewpussyhat]

Even if you didn't need the money, that money is what she is entitled too. That money going into a savings account each month would've set her up nicely.

[sunflowersandtulips50]

I wouldnt be worried about him. Let him rush off to a solicitor...they will laugh in his face especially given he pays nothing, the inheritance for his older boys has nothing to do with his DD. So block him and move on.

As for your DD you just need to ensure she is clear the reason for the differences. There is nothing you can do about that, the money is your DS

[sunflowersandtulips50]

sorry not 'his' older boys...should have read the

[Tappering]

You could always point out that your sons only have financial provision because their father died. And that if he feels that strongly about it, then he needs to pop his clogs and make sure that his life insurance and pension will provide for his daughter...

[Abilala92]

So let me get this right...he doesn’t pay for HIS daughter but your husband can?
Cheeky fuck

[jayanddisplay]

I had a somewhat similar situation with my in- laws.
When my husband died, I received some money and they were not happy at all. It didn't get as far as a legal challenge but I found out later that they had sought legal advice with a view to claiming some of the money and gaining rights over my children.
I think they thought that I had got his house, his money, his posessions and his children and that really wasn't fair at all. They seemed to think that they were entitled to stand in and take his place in all matters, that I should defer to them.
The whole thing has left me feeling awful, like i have stolen somehing. Never underestimate the bad ways people can act after a bereavement.

[flamingochill]

I would claim CMS so my dd has a lump sum later.

The rest of the issues - YANBU and I'm sorry that other people have made difficult times in your life even harder

[AcrossthePond55]

Sounds as if the inheritance is sewed up right and tight for your sons so even if you wanted to you wouldn't be able to tap into it for your DD. That's right and fair.

As far as maintenance for your DD, you claim it, get paid it, and it goes into a separate account (or is used) for your DD's education. How would your ex's family even know about it?

[GabriellaMontez]

Time he started paying child maintenance.

Greedy, tight, entitled.

And the family of your late husband are despicable too.

[ThePlantsitter]

Christ you have been treated appallingly by so many people you seem to take it as your due!

I admire you for carrying on independently but seriously your H's family were complete bastards to stitch you up like that. HOWEVER clearly you've accepted that and the FWB can fuck off and pay maintenance if he is so cross about it. He should have in the first place.

You should refuse to engage with him at all on the subject and yes put in a CM claim.

[GrolliffetheDragon]

I agree he should be paying, but does OP have any idea of how much he'd be required to pay? Lots of people seem to be assuming it would be quite a lot, but it might not be enough to pay for private schooling let alone university and whatever as well.

Point is it may not even things out that much, given that it seems to be a significant amount of money held in trust for the boys.

[fascinated]

Just highlights how women are left holding the baby in a way that men rarely are

[Pinetreesfall]

This saddens and infuriates me in equal measures.
My ex also feels that he shouldn't have to pay maintenance because 'kids weren't really for him'. He tried to absolve himself of all responsibility with this whitewash statement because I chose to continue with the pregnancy.
My ex also now feels my DH should fund everything for his son because 'well he lives with him'. It is for reasons such as this that the Child Maintenance organisation exists. Ex was pretty flummoxed when CM told him to cough up near £500 a month.

[Tappering]

And it also highlights that bloody entitled people will always expect the moon on a stick as long as they don't have to pay for it. If he feels so strongly about putting his daughter through private school then he needs to put his hand in his pocket.

[Theladyofshalot]

He wouldn't have paid as self-employed - he stiffed his xwife during the divorce. Yes, he’s not a great role model but again he was only ever meant to be a roll in the hay. He was not ever going to be a life partner not even close - if I knew then what I know now I would not have touched him with a bargepole.

It’s very easy to say why worry what other people think? - I was a young mother with two new babies and DH family made my life hell. They painted a picture to all and sundry to help their agenda that I was keeping all this money for myself I had left him so had no more right to the money than they did – I was profiting from his death when they were poor and I could have just helped them out a little bit but no, I was a money grabbing heartless bitch. In a small village – this stuff sticks. They were relentless. Bent the truth so hard that they were entitled to support from the dispensations. That kind of brutal experience makes you paranoid about optics and I try my best to make sure that everything is straight down the line. (If you don’t think families can possibly be like this go look on the pension’s ombudsmen rulings for dispensations – people go insane when money is involved and throw some serious mud to get what they think ‘they are owed’)

I never planned for any of my children to go private school - to get to a resolution this was offered by mediation as a way to bring the matter to a close. It gave them satisfaction that though they didn’t get a penny I didn’t either. The family do have some input to the trust so it’s a war every time its accessed but they can’t argue if it demonstrably goes directly to the boys but they fight anything else on principle, even if I slightly benefit by association. (Literally their words) This is why the house issue winds them up because they couldn’t stop that.

Hindsight is 20/20 and having my daughter was totally unexpected.
I should point out at this stage she loves her school. She’s a good student and her grades are where I would expect them to be for her. If she wants to go to uni I will work it out.

I just wanted to see if I was just being blinkered and that not campaigning for the trust fund to include her would have been something other mums would have done.

[StatementKnickers]

YANTA for not spending your boys' inheritance on their half-sister, but YATA for denying your daughter all the opportunities and experiences that maintenance from her useless sperm donor of a dad would have paid for. Claim the whole lot back from him and never speak to him again.

[Aretheystillasleepbob]

He needs to be paying proper maintenance for his daughter and you could start saving that towards her future. The money for the sons is protected presumably, so although it's not ideal that your children aren't being treated equally there's not a lot you can do except p[ay what you can for the girl, knowing that the boys are already sorted. And they have lost a father, maybe remind him of that, she still has one albeit a bit of an arsehole of a father.

[Aretheystillasleepbob]

By the time she goes to uni her brothers will be independent and working, they may offer to chip in to help her, i Know my two would help each other out

[Mummyoflittledragon]

@Theladyofshalot

Ok the maintenance issue. The house was bought and paid for from the inheritance. I get a small stipend every month that goes towards the upkeep of the house and formal household bills - tax/home insurance. I didn’t go for any maintenance for two reasons. 1. FWB was very clear what he wanted but I went ahead for me and me alone – so making him pay for what was a selfish decision on my part seemed very unfair. 2. The fallout from having a sum of money coming in to supplement the household would have caused more drama than it was worth. Honestly the family hysteria would have been something to see. Living off another man’s income as well as the ‘stolen’ money I get and the ‘stolen’ house I get to live in like lady muck. 3. I could afford to run my house, my way with my money so I didn’t have to have his input on a single thing.
In regards to my relationship choices. My husband was a lovely man, yes it would have been likely we would have split up but he would have still be a great friend and a dedicated dad. FWB was only ever supposed to be fun so that was unfortunate.

And meanwhile you are doing your dd an injustice by not asking for this money. This could be her university fund / house pot.

Please stop caring what these arseholes say about you. Anyone, who is decent and honest would be urging you to get the money for your dd even if you just save it for her.

[NailsNeedDoing]

It would be crazy to try and get the trust to include your dd, it’s not a battle worth fighting just to lose anyway. Especially if your husbands family still have some input.

If your dd wants to go to uni she can go just like everyone else. She can get a loan like most people do without coming to any harm.

[MarinePsychiatrist]

Well, the money for the boys is in a trust, so she's never getting that, correct? So then I would just tell him you can't afford private school for her, but if he'd like to pay for it, he's more than welcome to do so.

What a prick.