AITA Treating my daughter differently than my sons

[Theladyofshalot]

Sorry for the long background, but gives you an idea of the issues being faced.

Mother of three. First two children, twin boys from first marriage. First husband was my school sweetheart and we got married very very young. Everyone expected us to have babies straightaway because they thought we were irresponsible youngsters. To be fair we probably would have but as it happened I had a medical issue so the boys didn’t come along until a few years later.

My husband died shortly after the boys were born. The circumstances of his death were heavily investigated as it happened at work. His employer were found at fault and we received a pay-out, compensation and additional from his small pension.

My husband and I had been considering separating after the discovery of his cheating while i was pregnant. He had moved into the spare room but at the point of his death everything had been pretty much amicable. His family were aware of the situation so the payouts became a huge family drama as his wider family felt that even though we hadn’t started any form of divorce I wasn’t entitled to anything because we were considering parting ways.

The whole thing got very nasty as the sums of money were substantial and the awards were appealed repeatedly by them with his employer and Pension Company (these types of payouts are considered discretionary so open to challenge) In the end oil was put on the water by confirming that outside of buying a house the rest was placed aside for the boys and their education. Please note that this was quite some time ago and boys are now due to start university.

10 years after this I started very casually dating FBW. We were only ever going to be FWB as I was not looking for anything serious and I had got used to my own company (I had not dated at all in the 10 years bringing up two kids and working full time leaves little space). He was dealing with the fallout from his very acrimonious divorce. Despite being careful I very surprisingly fell pregnant which was a massive shock bearing in mind how long it taken to fall pregnant with the boys. FBW was horrified as having children was never part of his life plan. (He’s since got married and had two children lol)

FWB has been part of his daughter’s life in that he does make time for her but he is never paid support or taken her overnight as he had very strong feelings at the time about how things should have been dealt with. He had zero interest really until she was an older child. He has a pattern and normally only comes by when he’s having issues with his kids/wife as our daughter was a bit of a daddy’s girl so is always pleased to see him and it flatters his ego (sorry I got a bit snarky there but he’s very cavalier with her and it makes my blood boil)

With this in mind I was LIVID yesterday when FWB popped in. We were casually discussing the boys uni when I realised that FWB was under the impression that our daughter will be going to a private school and had a university/house Fund put aside for her. I asked FBW with whose money? He pointed out that the boys had both these things. I explained that the boys have been funded by their fathers inheritance. Whereas our daughter was not and therefore wouldn’t have these opportunities unless we were both willing to pay ourselves.

FWB then got extremely upset as he had always thought she was going to get the same and went on a rant about how unfair it was. His argument was that the children were all one family and should be treated equally. The money was rightfully as much of *our daughter as it was my sons. I advised him that wasn’t the case that was a specific legal agreement the money was always for the boys.

He left an absolute rage and as advised that he is going to speak to a solicitor in this matter to protect his daughter’s interests. He then called me a Ahole and a terrible mother or i would fight for her right to have the same - but to be honest i just don't see it that way, the money was my husband providing for his children - she is not one of his children. Which made him even madder!

I currently have 11 missed calls from him.



*normally shes my daughter in our occasional arguments but suddenly she HIS/OUR daughter

[HalloumiSalad]

I think your daughter will see that her life chances are different to her brothers by the circumstance of her birth. This is true of everyone on this planet of course. Possibly harder for her to not resent since that disparity is between her and her own siblings under the same roof. I would think she will consider (quite rightly) it to be a situation both you, op, and the fwb created in one measure or another.
I think that if you want this to be an issue which doesn't damage her relationship with you and her brothers it would be wise for some (age appropriate) honest dialogue to be ongoing with her, so she doesn't just suck up the narrative he will feed her, and also so that she can be helped to process her way through this without carrying a burden of resentment.
Some careful handling would be worth thinking about. But he is being an absolute arse.

[Epigram]

He's being an idiot. Yes it would be nice if your DD had the same as the twins, but where is the money going to come from? He can threaten you all he likes but that won't change the facts of the matter. Unless he's prepared to pay for her.

[FizzyGreenWater]

Let me get this straight: Despite never having paid a penny towards our daughter, you are now suddenly so concerned about her interests that you want to get legal advice to see if she can benefit from an inheritance which is nothing to do with her, or you. And you are kicking off at me despite the fact that it's actually nothing to do with me either. Good luck with that. What a shame you have money to burn on solicitor's fees but aren't willing to pay a single penny for your daughter's upkeep.

This. Send it. How old is your daughter?

I would put in a claim tomorrow.

I would tell him he's no longer welcome to see her at your home.

I would tell him that the details of his lack of support for your daughter will from now on be public knowledge.

[AdelaideK]

He's a dickhead and needs to start paying for his daughter.

As an aside I can't believe another poster said "your sons have so much and your daughter has nothing". Their father is dead I wouldn't say that made them fortunate.

[Megatron]

He’s normally an Ok guy, honest.

No, sorry, I'm not buying this. He was happily not contributing anything to his own daughter because he assumed that your dead husband's money would (sorry to put it so bluntly). He flits in and out of her life when he's pissed off at home. He's not 'an OK guy'. He's a grade A cunt.

Let him see a solicitor. In the meantime, see your own and get proper maintenance sorted for your daughter so that at least you can be putting money away for her from him (I assume you are putting what you can away for her yourself at the moment but he needs to put his hands in his fucking pocket too).

[GrumpyHoonMain]

I would stop your daughter from seeing him until he gets a court order.

[Fluffycloudland77]

Well he’s not going to get anywhere in court because if the moneys in trust it doesn’t belong to you anyway.

Block him.

[Megatron]

Let me get this straight: Despite never having paid a penny towards our daughter, you are now suddenly so concerned about her interests that you want to get legal advice to see if she can benefit from an inheritance which is nothing to do with her, or you. And you are kicking off at me despite the fact that it's actually nothing to do with me either. Good luck with that. What a shame you have money to burn on solicitor's fees but aren't willing to pay a single penny for your daughter's upkeep.

Yes, send this. But add in that you will be seeking advice for maintenance. I can't believe you haven't already and no, I'm not blaming you, but it's time to get this arsehole to contribute. He should pay back payments as well.

[TatianaBis]

That’s great - if he’s concerned that DD doesn’t have the kind of financial input that the boys had from theirs he can start contributing. If he considers it important that she goes to private school he can pay for that.

I wouldn’t personally let this opportunity go by to shame him for not paying a single penny for his DD let alone school fees.

[AmIAWeed]

Circumstances change for many people. My sister got a lump sum, I did not. At the point I was 'due it' my parents had spent it on their divorce!!

Your daughter may have a disadvantage to her brothers in terms of money.
They are disadvantaged in that they don't have a Dad.

I honestly think if I were in your shoes I would stick to the money going to the boys from their Dad.
I would, if at all possible save for my daughter, You don't need to think about supporting the boys financially so hopefully that allows you to concentrate on her savings as theirs is already set. Yes, that may seem 'unfair' but you are trying to give her the same 'leg up' that the boys will have had.

The FWB is a twat and should be ignored!

[CourtneyLurve]

Just as you fought for your sons' inheritance, you owe it to your daughter to file for CMS.

[Elsiebear90]

OP why isn’t he paying maintenance?

Was the money that’s put aside for your sons all of the money from their father’s estate or did you have some for yourself?

Who decided the money should put into savings for them? Legally as his wife wouldn’t it have been your money (unless he wrote it into his will) to decide what to do with?

If the money went to you and you never put any aside later for your other child while allowing her father to not pay child maintenance and also not starting a savings fund for her from your own pocket then I think YABU as she’s massively disadvantaged compared to them, and it didn’t have to be this way as the money was never your sons’ to begin with (if this was the case), it was yours to do with as you wished. I’m not saying she should have received equal amounts, but something is better than nothing when it sounds like they have substantial funds set aside for them and she has nothing at all to help her financially.

[InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream]

He's clearly not an 'ok guy' at all, or he would have supported his own daughter all these years. I can't believe you put up with that. Tell him to get to fuck, the grasping bastard.

[Theladyofshalot]

Ok the maintenance issue. The house was bought and paid for from the inheritance. I get a small stipend every month that goes towards the upkeep of the house and formal household bills - tax/home insurance. I didn’t go for any maintenance for two reasons. 1. FWB was very clear what he wanted but I went ahead for me and me alone – so making him pay for what was a selfish decision on my part seemed very unfair. 2. The fallout from having a sum of money coming in to supplement the household would have caused more drama than it was worth. Honestly the family hysteria would have been something to see. Living off another man’s income as well as the ‘stolen’ money I get and the ‘stolen’ house I get to live in like lady muck. 3. I could afford to run my house, my way with my money so I didn’t have to have his input on a single thing.
In regards to my relationship choices. My husband was a lovely man, yes it would have been likely we would have split up but he would have still be a great friend and a dedicated dad. FWB was only ever supposed to be fun so that was unfortunate.

[lunar1]

You owe it to your daughter to fight for maintenance. Even if you don't want it yourself it would have al least given her a nest egg of her own.

[InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream]

But you wouldn't have been living off his income. He would be paying to support HIS daughter.

[frazzledasarock]

my older Dc have a fuckwit father who only pays CMS as he's forced to.

My younger DC are DP's who is present and has a very wealthy family, they also have trust funds which their wider family set up for them on birth.

I don't discuss money with my DC, but have told my older DC that the younger ones have family who are very generous. But everything
I personally own will be split equally between them.

I've tried to foster a desire to succeed on their own in them, I have done my best to provide my DC with the best and tried to ensure money is not a big huge deal to them.

Are you sure you fuckwit XFWB, wasn't hoping he'd be able to get moeny out of your DD when she was old enough to get her 'share'?

Stop being nice to your ex, tell him he's a fucking useless dickhead who has paid nothing towards his child and thats why there's such a massive difference between what your DD can have and what your older dc have.

And pursue child maintenance.

[LaurieFairyCake]

Who would have judged you ?

Your ex's horrid family?

It's MUCH worse than he's never contributed to the child he created.

But because he hasn't and because of your reasons he doesn't get to complain now - just ignore him

And have a think about why you care so much about what other people think - you are allowed your own life. And I hope you get to sell the house and move somewhere you won't be judged

[WeAllHaveWings]

Start claiming child maintenance now and put it in savings for her.

[Elsiebear90]

But your daughter is the one suffering here, her brothers have large nest eggs, you have a “free” house and a monthly stipend, what does she get? A deadbeat dad who is allowed to get away with not paying towards her because you don’t want the drama? Have you put anything into savings for her at all?

[curiouslypacific]

I'd be going for maintenance and use that to pay for the schooling he wishes her to have. You're then neither living off his money, but all children are treated equally. Win win.

[Oliversmumsarmy]

If he is so concerned with private school for his Dd then he can pay for it like your sons dad paid for them.

Why is he wasting money on solicitors. If he wants his Dd to be on the same footing as her brothers then he needs to put his hand in his pocket and start paying for it.

I can appreciate how hard it is to get CM off someone who doesn’t want to pay. (Lots of single mum friends) Someone I know went after her ex for CM. He changed jobs. Can’t remember how long it is but the attachment of earnings can only be actioned after a certain amount of months. So he changes jobs before this kicks in.

Having said that I feel uneasy that your sons are being treated differently to your dd.

I don’t know how old your dd is but I would make it clear about the trust and get her a few more ECAs or tutors to help her with anything she struggles with and make sure your sons appreciate that their sister won’t have the same type of opportunities as them because of legalities and nothing else.

I would hate to see in years to come them feel that the boys are superior to their sister in that they had all the privilege and your dd feel that she didn’t get any opportunities

I would like to know from who ever made this ruling why no provision for future children was made. Given your age and the fact without his families input this money would have gone directly to you to treat your sons and any subsequent children the same.

This doesn’t dismiss your FWB from his responsibilities to his Dd. That should have added to all your children’s benefits.

[fascinated]

Unbelievable.

I wouldn’t have chosen private school unless I’d been able to afford it for all my children.

[frazzledasarock]

if you'd gone for maintenance you could have set it aside and built up a savings account for your DD by now.

And fuck what the family think, why do you care what they think and say, they are all gold diggers who wanted what was rightfully yours and your DC's

would they have been so very anxious to take over and settle any debts your DH had left on death instead of money?

[Shadeslayer]

I would be applying for maintenance and saving it plus some to make sure your daughter has similar oppertunities when it comes to further education.

I wouldn't be happy for 1 of my children to have less than others when it comes to education with the fact 2 of them have money aside I would concentrate on saving to bridge the gap as much as possible.