AITA Treating my daughter differently than my sons

[Theladyofshalot]

Sorry for the long background, but gives you an idea of the issues being faced.

Mother of three. First two children, twin boys from first marriage. First husband was my school sweetheart and we got married very very young. Everyone expected us to have babies straightaway because they thought we were irresponsible youngsters. To be fair we probably would have but as it happened I had a medical issue so the boys didn’t come along until a few years later.

My husband died shortly after the boys were born. The circumstances of his death were heavily investigated as it happened at work. His employer were found at fault and we received a pay-out, compensation and additional from his small pension.

My husband and I had been considering separating after the discovery of his cheating while i was pregnant. He had moved into the spare room but at the point of his death everything had been pretty much amicable. His family were aware of the situation so the payouts became a huge family drama as his wider family felt that even though we hadn’t started any form of divorce I wasn’t entitled to anything because we were considering parting ways.

The whole thing got very nasty as the sums of money were substantial and the awards were appealed repeatedly by them with his employer and Pension Company (these types of payouts are considered discretionary so open to challenge) In the end oil was put on the water by confirming that outside of buying a house the rest was placed aside for the boys and their education. Please note that this was quite some time ago and boys are now due to start university.

10 years after this I started very casually dating FBW. We were only ever going to be FWB as I was not looking for anything serious and I had got used to my own company (I had not dated at all in the 10 years bringing up two kids and working full time leaves little space). He was dealing with the fallout from his very acrimonious divorce. Despite being careful I very surprisingly fell pregnant which was a massive shock bearing in mind how long it taken to fall pregnant with the boys. FBW was horrified as having children was never part of his life plan. (He’s since got married and had two children lol)

FWB has been part of his daughter’s life in that he does make time for her but he is never paid support or taken her overnight as he had very strong feelings at the time about how things should have been dealt with. He had zero interest really until she was an older child. He has a pattern and normally only comes by when he’s having issues with his kids/wife as our daughter was a bit of a daddy’s girl so is always pleased to see him and it flatters his ego (sorry I got a bit snarky there but he’s very cavalier with her and it makes my blood boil)

With this in mind I was LIVID yesterday when FWB popped in. We were casually discussing the boys uni when I realised that FWB was under the impression that our daughter will be going to a private school and had a university/house Fund put aside for her. I asked FBW with whose money? He pointed out that the boys had both these things. I explained that the boys have been funded by their fathers inheritance. Whereas our daughter was not and therefore wouldn’t have these opportunities unless we were both willing to pay ourselves.

FWB then got extremely upset as he had always thought she was going to get the same and went on a rant about how unfair it was. His argument was that the children were all one family and should be treated equally. The money was rightfully as much of *our daughter as it was my sons. I advised him that wasn’t the case that was a specific legal agreement the money was always for the boys.

He left an absolute rage and as advised that he is going to speak to a solicitor in this matter to protect his daughter’s interests. He then called me a Ahole and a terrible mother or i would fight for her right to have the same - but to be honest i just don't see it that way, the money was my husband providing for his children - she is not one of his children. Which made him even madder!

I currently have 11 missed calls from him.



*normally shes my daughter in our occasional arguments but suddenly she HIS/OUR daughter

[NursieBernard]

FWB is being a twat. However, you are doing your DD an injustice for not applying for maintenance from her father. This money, whatever the amount, could be saved for her for the future.

[ThePlantsitter]

I don't think you are wrong not to pursue it. It would be a massive arseache I'm sure. Your DH's family are total bastards though that's for sure.

You've brought up 3 kids single handed with a load of tragedy and nonsense from dickheads hindering you. This guy needs to be cut off and no feeling bad about it. Let him try to meddle with the fund if he likes, presumably it won't be a problem in the event he's successful, which he won't be. But he should not talk to you at all about it any more.

[Theladyofshalot]

On reviewing the .gov calc the payment he would owe on the wages he pays to himself out of the business and with the other kids there would have been no way that would have paid for uni anyway even backdated - it's a moot point really.

If everyone really feels that money should have been hers ill happily pay it to her out of my savings.

[CircleofWillis]

Sorry to derail but what do AITA and YANTA mean? I initially thought it was a typo but a recent PP seems to understand the acronym.

[Oldraver]

OP I so feel for you and how badly you have been treated

Someone else upthread said they had family who had tried to get money out of them and I heard my own MIL saying "some of that money shoulf of been mine". I mean why on earth do they think they deserve the money more than the children and widow

But please start a CMA claim

[BubblesBuddy]

I think my words about DS’s having everything and DD has nothing has been taken out of context. It was purely a statement about money. DD might not feel a crap dad and no trust fund is the best situation and that’s why there could be problems later on. If her dad was present and loving, that would help but for DD it’s a lose lose situation. She may not feel lucky she has a dad given the circumstances.

I feel the only way forward is to talk about it with your sons so they at least appreciate the situation. Family secrets are not great.

As for the dad, just get what you can from him. As he has another family I guess it won’t be much. Then make sure you keep him at arms length and only discuss him seeing DD when appropriate. It won’t be easy, but your family is going to have to understand the “unfairness” that will be noticed before too long.

[MarinePsychiatrist]

Sorry to derail but what do AITA and YANTA mean?

Am I The Arsehole and You Are Not The Arsehole.

[AnneOfTeenFables]

I think there's three issues.
Firstly if the money is in trust then there is nothing you can do about it. It isn't your money. I'm assuming you have ensured it meets all of the boys' expenses and includes maintenance payments not just school fees.
Secondly, your FWB is an idiot and you should formalise both contact and maintenance for your DD's sake.
Thirdly, I do feel sorry for your DD. Regardless of the reasons for the differences, she is going to grow up feeling she isn't as important as her brothers. And considering how patriarchal our society is, I would have done everything possible to give her the same standard of education as her brothers. You're sending a subliminal message that you haven't prioritised her education because she's a girl.

[CircleofWillis]

@MarinePsychiatrist

Sorry to derail but what do AITA and YANTA mean?

Am I The Arsehole and You Are Not The Arsehole.

Thank you!

[SchadenfreudePersonified]

it's despicable that he doesn't pay anything at all for her and I'd do everything I could to pursue maintenance

I'm not sure if you are able to claim back-money as another posters suggested, but if you can - go for it!

And show no mercy!

This is his child as well as yours - and if he is only prepared to make use of her when it suits him, and he's upset with his other family, make him pay for the privilege.

[enjoyingSun]

I can't see you'd get anywhere with the trust.

I would go for maintance now for your DD- however nice is current wife is - I doubt it will be much and I'd try and save a bit on top - just to show you tried to even things up a bit when you explain the situation to her when older.

I think he's just making a lot of noise at the minute so I'd continue to ignore.

[Pugsrus]

I don’t agree those of you saying the op has not done her best for daughter financially..
Did you not read the circumstances the op is dealing with ,come on people give her a break ,she’s had a tough time and done her best in a difficult situation

[Theladyofshalot]

AITA - Am i an AHole?

YANTA - You are not the AHOLE

I should point out my kids are awesome. I have a simple happy life, normally drama free and i am blessed with a job I love which means we have the means to live a comfortable life. DHs family are not part of my life anymore so i keep contact with them to the bare minimum (dont get me started on the rights of grandparents issue sigh)

This is a snapshot of a single bad day - and a few on my past that were corkers. XFWB will just be calmly told to go see his sol its his money to waste.

Me and my daughter are going to have a movie night and a low key chat about all this.

[titchy]

I'd be responding that you've been saving everything her father paid in maintenance and using that for fees, but unfortunately despite looking you cannot find a private school anywhere with fees of 25p per year. What a twat.

[SchadenfreudePersonified]

One thing that a claim for maintenance might do to benefit your DD (not matter how small the amount of money involved) - it might possibly give her a claim on his estate if/when anything should happen to him.

I'm not wishing him ill, and I'm sure you aren't, but one day he will die, and she is as much his child as his legitimate children are. She shroud have a portion of any estate he leaves - it may be a house deposit for her one day, or might help one of her children in the career of her/his choice.

Keep her options open as much as you can - claim maintenance.

[Thisismytimetoshine]

How did he know about the trust fund in the first place? Is that the reason he didn't pay maintenance, because he thought someone else unrelated to his child had created a trust fund for her too?
I can only assume he is very, very dim...
Let him get on with engaging a solicitor. They'll explain it all, clearly and expensively.

[SchadenfreudePersonified]

*should, not shroud - talk about a Freudian slip . . .

[Sushiroller]

Yanbu unreasonable he sounds like a prize loser.

However YABU for not claiming maintainance for your daughter.
Even if he'd only paid £100pm she'd have £12k now saved towards uni costs.
File for maintainance for your daughter and put it in savings for her university education.

[freeingNora]

Gosh what a dick

I can understand how when you were vulnerable your DH family were able to bully you they sound charming but that's water under the bridge.

It struck me that the FWB is a tad narcissistic I wonder if he like everyone else assumed he was entitled to a payday of sorts and that he'd be able to tap up his daughter for cash etc believing that she would automatically be loaded. There's no telling what this type of person is up to

It's his rage which is completely unwarranted and unnecessary disproportionate to the actual situation. The messages etc Narcs don't like the word no

Just a thought

[QueSera]

Never seen these abbreviations before, but - YANBTA

Let this dickhead consult a lawyer - the lawyer can explain to said dickhead how trust law works.

It's a complicated situation, but the only fair - and legal - path is for the boys to share the money. I hope your DD understands this when she is older. As for FWB - he sounds like a total waste-of-space. Personally I would have as little to do with him as humanly possible.

[Breee]

Would it not be unfair on HIS other children, if his eldest daughter went to private school and they didnt? 🤔

[MarmiteOnToastAndWine]

Sorry, but I agree with him. I'd have split things three ways

[SynchroSwimmer]

Does your daughter have any grandparents on the side of your EXFWB - grandparents who would be on-side with you, and maybe could “counsel and advise” him on his financial responsibilities towards your daughter?

[CocoR]

But it's not her money to split.

I doubt OP can even access it or use it without showing what it's being spend on.