AITA Treating my daughter differently than my sons

[Theladyofshalot]

Sorry for the long background, but gives you an idea of the issues being faced.

Mother of three. First two children, twin boys from first marriage. First husband was my school sweetheart and we got married very very young. Everyone expected us to have babies straightaway because they thought we were irresponsible youngsters. To be fair we probably would have but as it happened I had a medical issue so the boys didn’t come along until a few years later.

My husband died shortly after the boys were born. The circumstances of his death were heavily investigated as it happened at work. His employer were found at fault and we received a pay-out, compensation and additional from his small pension.

My husband and I had been considering separating after the discovery of his cheating while i was pregnant. He had moved into the spare room but at the point of his death everything had been pretty much amicable. His family were aware of the situation so the payouts became a huge family drama as his wider family felt that even though we hadn’t started any form of divorce I wasn’t entitled to anything because we were considering parting ways.

The whole thing got very nasty as the sums of money were substantial and the awards were appealed repeatedly by them with his employer and Pension Company (these types of payouts are considered discretionary so open to challenge) In the end oil was put on the water by confirming that outside of buying a house the rest was placed aside for the boys and their education. Please note that this was quite some time ago and boys are now due to start university.

10 years after this I started very casually dating FBW. We were only ever going to be FWB as I was not looking for anything serious and I had got used to my own company (I had not dated at all in the 10 years bringing up two kids and working full time leaves little space). He was dealing with the fallout from his very acrimonious divorce. Despite being careful I very surprisingly fell pregnant which was a massive shock bearing in mind how long it taken to fall pregnant with the boys. FBW was horrified as having children was never part of his life plan. (He’s since got married and had two children lol)

FWB has been part of his daughter’s life in that he does make time for her but he is never paid support or taken her overnight as he had very strong feelings at the time about how things should have been dealt with. He had zero interest really until she was an older child. He has a pattern and normally only comes by when he’s having issues with his kids/wife as our daughter was a bit of a daddy’s girl so is always pleased to see him and it flatters his ego (sorry I got a bit snarky there but he’s very cavalier with her and it makes my blood boil)

With this in mind I was LIVID yesterday when FWB popped in. We were casually discussing the boys uni when I realised that FWB was under the impression that our daughter will be going to a private school and had a university/house Fund put aside for her. I asked FBW with whose money? He pointed out that the boys had both these things. I explained that the boys have been funded by their fathers inheritance. Whereas our daughter was not and therefore wouldn’t have these opportunities unless we were both willing to pay ourselves.

FWB then got extremely upset as he had always thought she was going to get the same and went on a rant about how unfair it was. His argument was that the children were all one family and should be treated equally. The money was rightfully as much of *our daughter as it was my sons. I advised him that wasn’t the case that was a specific legal agreement the money was always for the boys.

He left an absolute rage and as advised that he is going to speak to a solicitor in this matter to protect his daughter’s interests. He then called me a Ahole and a terrible mother or i would fight for her right to have the same - but to be honest i just don't see it that way, the money was my husband providing for his children - she is not one of his children. Which made him even madder!

I currently have 11 missed calls from him.



*normally shes my daughter in our occasional arguments but suddenly she HIS/OUR daughter

[Mystraightenersarebroken]

Why on earth would your in laws know the details of your financial arrangements with DDs father? It's nothing to do with them. You do realise you are not obliged to tell them anything about your life least of all your finances!

You are doing your daughter down by not ensuring her father supports her. Child maintenance isn't to support you, it's to support HER. If you claimed it you could save it for her if you didn't need it for day to day living and she would have some money behind her for uni or whatever.

[Witchlight]

I agree that you owe it to your daughter to claim via CMS. Make it crystal clear to all that this money will be going to an account to fund your daughters future eg University or a deposit for a house. Do not spend a penny of this money, but carry on as before. Surely you husband’s family won’t see this as you getting extra money. Whatever you feel about FWB not wanting children....if someone doesn’t want children they keep their zip done up. If not they have a chance of becoming a parent.

[Zaphodsotherhead]

Did he perhaps become your FWB because he was under the illusion that you were loaded because you owned a house outright?

[Gannicusthemannicus]

Whether he wanted you to go ahead with the pregnancy or not, he still has 50% of the responsibility for creating your DD and if he was that focused on never having children in a FWB situation should not have been having sex as a FWB! He should not have been relying on you to not go forward with any pregnancy that could occur, that was him being completely irresponsible.
Whether it is selfish or not to request what she is due (it isn't), she is his daughter and he has a responsibility to her regardless of his opinion.

To be quite honest, I would tell him if he wants an opinion over your DD or your financial details he needs to pay his share, and be a regular and responsible father to your child. No contribution, no opinion.

[fascinated]

Read your update.

So you chose not to pursue him for maintenance. Ok. But then it is still your responsibility to ensure that all of the children that you have are provided for equally, and you haven’t done that. But if you are fine with the inequality just ignore FWB. His opinion doesn’t matter and legally I don’t think he has a leg to stand on. So he can bring it on re solicitors etc.

[KatharinaRosalie]

Thank you, Knobhead, you are of course right that DD should have the same opportunities. So please open an account for her and don't forget to pay all the maintenance you owe her for the previous years, it's quite a lot now and will come in handy.

[biglittlemedium]

You care far too much about what your old in-laws think and because of that your daughter is missing out. Not because you aren't sharing the inheritance with her but because you won't fight for what's rightfully hers off her father.

Also if the house had been paid off then I would have put the spare hundreds/thousand per month into a savings account for your DD to give her the same support.

I think you've really done your DD a disservice.

[NailsNeedDoing]

I’d love to be a fly on the wall when he has that solicitor appointment!

Tell the twat that you are confident and happy in the way that you are treating all your children the same by allowing them to financially benefit from their own fathers only. You can reassure him that any time he does decide to provide you with maintenance money for his daughter, not a penny of it will be spent on your boys.

[DontTouchTheMoustache]

Stop worrying what everyone thinks about you and focus on your DDs needs.

[fascinated]

Is the law different from the UK where you are? Perhaps you ought to consult a Solicitor local to you.

[CalmdownJanet]

So he doesn't want to support his daughter but he wants her siblings and a dead man to do it from beyond the grave, he is some piece of work.

Sorry though you are 100% unreasonable to not go for maintenance, a fool can see you should have fought for maintenance the same way you fought for what you and your sons were entitled to, you didn't, it was your chance to save it if you didn't need it and even things up financially for your daughter, you have massively failed her here and are completely in the wrong.

[nettie434]

Definitely YANBU LadyofShalot. Let's assume he did not realise that the compensation came with strings attached (although that is very ignorant of him as it is meant to make up for the loss of earnings from your husband's death at work). Once he was told it was, he should have said 'I will do my best to make up the difference in the children's expectations', not make threatening comments.

I'd like to be fly on the wall when the solicitor he says he is going to see asks him what he has paid towards his daughter's finances. As others say, you have the option to consider your children's different situations in your own financial plans but why he can't understand how this situation has arisen is beyond me.

By the way, I would not have replied so politely to the poster commenting on my relationships.

[DioneTheDiabolist]

Can you spell E.N.T.I.T.L.E.D OP? Because your FWB sure can.

[occa]

I think you and FWB are both BU here.

He is BU because your DSs needs were looked after by their father (or his Estate, no functional difference), so he should be able to see that the equivalent would be HIM looking after the needs of his DD.

YABU for allowing your DC to have such different advantages by not getting maintenance from FWB. Your DD will be so hurt when she realizes how uneven things are between her and her brothers, and rightfully so. If I was your DD I'd find it hard to forgive you.

[Windyatthebeach]

Well maybe to make the dc the same dd should not have a df - would he see fairness in that?
He is an utter twat.

[Pugsrus]

If you had been my daughter in law ,I would of insisted you had every penny of that pay out .
I’m shocked the family tried to take it off you .
I can’t believe a judge even listened to them
You clearly love your children and sound like a wonderful mother
Don’t let this twat bring you down .stay strong 💐💐💐💐

[Mulhollandmagoo]

So, you're daughter's flakey dad, who's barely put his hand in his pocket since she was born has been ticking along nicely thinking your it's your deceased husband's job to provide for his child so he can play the Brady Bunch with his new family? Nah...he's CHEEKY AF!!!

I agree that you need to put in a claim for maintenance and put it in a savings account for your daughter, so there is some provision there for her for education/driving lessons/house deposit etc. If her dad plays up, then say you agree with what he was saying about having some savings for your daughter so you're making a start! Is she close with her brothers? Are they likely to help her out at all? Of course they don't have to if they don't wish, but I would help my siblings if I were in a position to

[Mo81]

Howold is your daughter.

[Pugsrus]

Actually
If your boys are near the age of going to uni ..
I’d be asking them if they felt things were fair ,and maybe they might decide to share the money with their sister ..
As it’s their money ,they could choose to do that ,maybe protective big brothers would be glad to share

[NailsNeedDoing]

I don’t think the comments about what the DD gets are fair towards OP.

It sounds like she’s providing perfectly well for all three of her children including her daughter, and if she can do that she is not obliged to go through the hassle of the CMS and any fall out she thinks that might generate from other people. It’s her choice, and a perfectly valid one.

[IndecentFeminist]

One could argue the in-laws would have rathered you had CMS, otherwise 'their' money was also supporting your daughter indirectly.

I assume you work? I'd have made provisions for your daughter in lieu of housing costs, made possible by the provisions for your sons.

[fascinated]

If she is sending only 2 out of 3 to private school then she isn’t treating them fairly,

[fascinated]

Isn’t “providing perfectly well” for them all, I mean.

[GreenTulips]

Trusts don’t work like that

You have to provided details and receipts for requested sums. They can’t just take cash out.

Personally I would total up the cost of her existence plus the cost of the next 15 years of educations and ask how he plans on paying half.

[Muppetry76]

Child Maintenance Options
Telephone: 0800 083 4375
Monday to Friday, 8am to 8pm

They're open until 8pm OP, you owe it to your daughter to put in a claim. No fucking way can her dad expect a complete stranger (or his estate) to take care of her any more than you not having to worry about paying for her home already does, if he's not paid a PENNY towards her upkeep in her entire life.

CMS. NOW.