Partner took the 3 month mortgage holiday...and didn’t tell me

[TonightYoureAStar]

HI so today my bank kindly sent me a text message asking if I was happy with the mortgage holiday I had...but I wasn’t aware that I was having one, went home and asked my partner, who usually pays the monthly repayments as I’m working part-time looking after the 2 boys aged 5 and 7 - but we have a joint mortgage as I paid half the deposit (£80k) and he confessed that he had done this 2 months ago, but hadn’t told me ???!!!! He is still working, hasn’t been furloughed but has had to take a 10% pay cut, which he had told me about so of course I’ve been worried about money during this period and been v.frugal - however yesterday I asked if he could get a cycling helmet for the boys and he told me to get it, as money was tight....so I don’t think I’m being unreasonable to be absolutely f£&king fuming now that I know he’s been saving £1,200 a month without telling me????

Fuck me.

It would make such a difference if you were married.
And he knows it. That's why he hasn't married you.

God he's a controlling bastard.
Keeps his finances separate, is an arsehole and won't leave now the relationship is dead.
And worse still you can't leave him easily because he has all the cash and all the control and you will get shit load less if you leave him because you aren't married.

What an arsehole he is.

I ended my first marriage for less.

*can prevent you

Also - my DH and I have separate accounts and sensible arrangements for who pays for what. Nothing wrong with separate accounts

@TonightYoureAStar

We’re not married, and I’m pretty thankful for that right now

You shouldn’t be, in your situation.

If you were married, you’d have some hope of a financial settlement taking his pension into account, off-setting the fact that you severely curtailed your earning ability and pension pot to mind his children.

I don’t think he would’ve been different had we married

No, but he would not have been able to squirrel away all that money to himself and keep it. It would have been a joint asset/marital asset. This is why marriage is SO important when you sacrifice FT work to look after children with an unmarried partner.

so I’m just going to co-parent and potentially get myself another man, and then hopefully he’ll get the message

That is a very very very foolish idea. You are in an abusive relationship. Once you leave such an abusive relationship, you are literally a sitting duck for another abusive man (who's usually abusive in a different way) unless you take a break from dating and relationships and do a lot of work on your self-esteem and boundaries. A LOT.

See a solicitor! Split up formally, sell the house or he buys you out or what have you.

STOP and focus on yourself and your kids and don't get into another relationship until you've had a long break and got some serious help for your self esteem.

So true, joint bank accounts also mean sharing my money, and I’m the one who is likely to inherit a lump sum and I've greater earning power when I do work full time again, and he is getting none of it ever - smug married joint account owners, take note

smug married joint account owners, take note

Wow, way to shit all over people who've supported you and given you advice. . In marriage, it's not just about a joint account, ALL the assets earned in the marriage are marital assets .

But hey, you've proven yourself a really excellent judge of character having taken up with a bloke like this and a font of wisdom compromising your career to enable him.

@Sallycinnamum that is true, but if you split up the separate bank accounts would be treated as a marital asset.

The problem the OP has is that their finances are separate but not equal. So I assume her partner may have a huge savings account that she doesn’t know about, to be fair he could also have huge debts so it may work in her favour. The other unknown, unless I have missed the OP giving details, is the ownership of the house. It could just be in the partner’s name.

He is indeed an arsehole and he won’t go...pass the wine

He's an absolute moron if he's putting mortgage money into savings and having a mortgage holiday. It'll mean your payments are higher or go on longer! That is some shitty logic OP. I'd go berserk

smug married joint account owners, take note

We're trying to help you. You rude individual.

I'm out.

Good luck, you need it I'm afraid.

So if you split up now could you go back to being a high earner?

Get him to pay it off the mortgage now if he can without penalty

It’s nothing about being smug, married or joint account. Paying 50% of the deposit isn’t what puts you on the mortgage - did you make a joint application that you signed and submitted? If you were married you’d be entitled to much more financially - having kids only entities you to CSA levels of maintenance payment. As it stands he could walk away with everything in his account and pension etc and you have no claim on any of it. If it wasn’t a joint mortgage application he can kick you out with no claim on the house regardless of what you paid in a deposit. You literally have no legal protections and a partner who lies about money, and two small children. Nothing to be smug or defensive about.

Well, good luck getting back to that high earning position when you're solely responsible for the child. I'm sure that will happen in an instant without any struggle in the meantime. How silly we all are for trying to help you.

(I'm a single parent with no joint account with anyone and even I found your little dig really bloody rude)

smug married joint account owners, take note

People advising you to secure access to the finances you help earn are not being smug! They are trying to help you!

FYI I am neither, married, smug nor a joint account holder.

Sorry I don’t mean to be rude, but advising me to marry this arsehole right now isn’t helpful, that is not happening, so at least I don’t have to go through a divorce is what I’m saying, he adores the boys, his one saving grace SO he’s not going to up and disappear...I just don’t know what to do

We’re not married, and I’m pretty thankful for that right now

I wouldn't be, you're in a pretty precarious finanical position. I'd go back to work FT ASAP.

I don’t think people are advising you to marry him, but we are advising you to check your financial position especially in respect of the house.

How the hell did this happen without joint signatures? I'd be raging at the bank quite honestly.

I don’t see anyone advising you to marry him - folk are saying really check out yours and his financial position (with evidence) before you split.

And I doubt very much that he adores his boys if he lied about having enough money to buy his son a cycling helmet. He’ll be off like shit from a shovel.

I knew my ex for 10 years, he adored our children, was a great dad. When we split, my youngest was 1 years old. The children didnt see him again until youngest turned 5. And I would never ever had guessed that he would do something like that. Never. But he did.

Of course, thousands of men do not do that. Even the bad dads dont do that... but its never a guarantee that they will always be there and always be fair. He's already shown you that he is selfish and sneaky with money; why would that be any different if you split up? And what would stop him being selfish and sneaky in other areas?

Open your eyes and have a back up plan to make sure you have enough money to get you through a split and waiting for the house to sell.

Has it occurred to you he might have forged your signature with the bank?