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AIBU?

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Original poster

Partner took the 3 month mortgage holiday...and didn’t tell me

190 replies

TonightYoureAStar · 02/06/2020 18:35

HI so today my bank kindly sent me a text message asking if I was happy with the mortgage holiday I had...but I wasn’t aware that I was having one, went home and asked my partner, who usually pays the monthly repayments as I’m working part-time looking after the 2 boys aged 5 and 7 - but we have a joint mortgage as I paid half the deposit (£80k) and he confessed that he had done this 2 months ago, but hadn’t told me ???!!!! He is still working, hasn’t been furloughed but has had to take a 10% pay cut, which he had told me about so of course I’ve been worried about money during this period and been v.frugal - however yesterday I asked if he could get a cycling helmet for the boys and he told me to get it, as money was tight....so I don’t think I’m being unreasonable to be absolutely f£&king fuming now that I know he’s been saving £1,200 a month without telling me????

OP posts:
SummerDayWinterEvenings · 02/06/2020 19:26

I'd put in a formal complaint to the bank then.

And then for me this would be a deal breaker. I'd give him one opportunity to tell me what the F was going on with the money -and make it very clear if I wasn't satisified then it would be game over for me.

lyralalala · 02/06/2020 19:26

@FTMF30

It's pretty out of order. But you said be pays the monthly mortgage and you don't, so it's not as if he's stealing money from you. He's giving HIMSELF abreak from the monthly payments.
The fact he pays it out of his account doesn’t mean only he pays. They split their bills, they should be splitting changes.

Who cuts a £1200 a month bill for three months and leaves the mother of their child still short?

Op I’d see him very, very differently after this. There’s like to save and there’s financially abusive.

Original poster
TonightYoureAStar · 02/06/2020 19:27

Yes my name is 100% on the mortgage I contributed to half the deposit as I was working FT at the time, but over the past few years he’s made the repayments because I’ve not been able to work full time, it’s just the deceit that gets me, I still pay the council tax, credit cards, boiler repayments I could have done with some help with them

OP posts:
Rainycloudyday · 02/06/2020 19:27

You have far bigger problems than the mortgage holiday Op. it’s good if you’re on the mortgage, but how was the home bought-is your deposit protected, are you tenants in common etc?

As a PP said this is why you should NEVER go part time and fuck your career and earning potential without the protection of marriage. Personally I think it’s a bad idea even with a ring firmly in place, but that’s the least you need. You need to think seriously about planning to support yourself. You’ve admitted the relationship is over. Save your energy for planning the future.

highmarkingsnowbile · 02/06/2020 19:28

I'd contact the lender in writing to let them no that you do not consent to any more holidays.

What do you mean he won't move out?

He doesn't have to, and as a financially abusive person, he won't.

Smallsteps88 · 02/06/2020 19:28

It’s possible he is building up savings to leave you OP. Although with him refusing to leave the house I’m not sure what he’d be saving for. Could be spending it elsewhere- debts? Another woman? Gambling? Either way he is hoarding money and denying you access to it. That’s worrying. I would get a solicitor and find out what your options are.

Original poster
TonightYoureAStar · 02/06/2020 19:31

Yes I think you might be right, when they open again, hadn’t heard of financial abuse before but I think it applies here, I’m having a glass of wine and trying to think rationally

OP posts:
ShowPicturesOfLifeNotDeath · 02/06/2020 19:31

Why didn't you get half of £3600 he saved? Why only £750 not the £1800 due? Is he keeping £1050 of your money then?

If you are married you are tied financially and liable for each other's debts as well as each owning 50% of everything you both have.

Muscle up OP.

Original poster
TonightYoureAStar · 02/06/2020 19:32

We’re not married, and I’m pretty thankful for that right now

OP posts:
Allmyarseandpeggymartin · 02/06/2020 19:33

I bet he’s in debt op.

Time to get your ducks in a row.

ineedaholidaynow · 02/06/2020 19:34

I would be checking the house position if I was you OP. Not the mortgage but the actual ownership. Do you have any of the papers at home that you can check?

Clymene · 02/06/2020 19:36

Don't be thankful - you have fuck all rights to the stuff he's been squirrelling away while you've been diluting your earning power by looking after your children.

Am I right in thinking you've starting another thread about him recently? The part time graphic designer bit sounds familiar.

Anyway - this relationship isn't working for you. Your kids are old enough to go to school (once school opens) so you're in a good position in that sense. Talk to a solicitor. Talk to Women's Aid. Take control

CrystalTipped · 02/06/2020 19:36

Well, it's a good time to demand more transparency in the family finances.

Warsawa31 · 02/06/2020 19:37

Tbh I never understand a partnership where money is split. He is either your partner and you are one family unit - therefore all the money belongs to both of you, and you budget together. This set up is more like room mates, don’t u deer and how you can have a child together, own a house together but have your money separate. Anyway he is still thinking like a selfish little boy, hence why he will keep as much money To himself as he can- actions speak louder than words he doesn’t value you above or equal to himself

Smallsteps88 · 02/06/2020 19:37

We’re not married, and I’m pretty thankful for that right now

You’d be far better off financially if you were.

bellabasset · 02/06/2020 19:41

Sounds as though you need to have a conversation, including ensuring that your pension provision is being made. Not against a high earner having savings but when one of you is invested heavily in childcare there needs to be a fairer share for that person

I know my df wasn't a high earner but they put bill money first and shared as did we.

Original poster
TonightYoureAStar · 02/06/2020 19:41

Thanks no not started another thread just this one, needed some support! I don’t think he would’ve been different had we married, we have kids so he has to contribute to them and I have half the house if we sell, married men squirrel away money as well you know! It’s just the deceit I can’t bear, and it’s not his first time, he doesn’t want to move out, so I’m just going to co-parent and potentially get myself another man, and then hopefully he’ll get the message

OP posts:
Bonniegirlie · 02/06/2020 19:41

I wonder if he had to sign anything to get the mortgage holiday? He may have forged your signature if so. Worth checking.

howlatthetrees · 02/06/2020 19:42

Has he not explained what he’s doing with the money?

Downandin · 02/06/2020 19:43

I can't believe he wouldn't give you any money for the bike hat Sad

highmarkingsnowbile · 02/06/2020 19:43

Don't be thankful - you have fuck all rights to the stuff he's been squirrelling away while you've been diluting your earning power by looking after your children.

This.

Well, it's a good time to demand more transparency in the family finances.

That ship has long sailed. The time to do that, as a discussion because you can't demand anything off someone unless you've got a court order, is before marriage and children come along and one of you makes the very poor financial decision to compromise earning power/pension/career progression to enable an unmarried partner to carry on as usual. Marriage confers a number of important legal conditions. This way, with such discussions and agreements, you find out if you're compatible and on the same page and if not, you move on.

And always always DUMP tight arses. It should be a complete and total dealbreaker.

Footywife · 02/06/2020 19:44

So, you're happy to not be involved in the mortgage normally (otherwise you'd notice payments weren't being made), yet you're now kicking off because you weren't told something. Seems pretty bizarre to me.

Sallycinnamum · 02/06/2020 19:45

Mumsnet is absolutely obsessed with bloody joint accounts.

DH have been together 13 years and have separate accounts and always will do. We split the bills and spend whatever is left how we wish.

Every solicitor I've ever talked to professionally and personally have always advised against women having joint accounts and I've seen so many stories on here where men have fucked off, cleared the joint account leaving women with no access to cash.

That said, it's the least of your problems right now OP. I had an ex who took various loans out against our house without my knowledge so I know how you feel although luckily we had a tenants in common agreement so I was ok when we went our separate ways.

flingo · 02/06/2020 19:45

I'd be hugely upset by this too. IMO if you don't have trust in a relationship you don't have anything.

BobbieDraper · 02/06/2020 19:45

A mortgage holiday can affect the total amount you need to pay later down the line, and cant prevent you getting another mortgage in the future. He cant have done that to you without your permission? How did he actually arrange it without the bank asking for your permission as well?

Have you ever discussed the impact the kids have has on your ability to earn? He can continue to succeed at work and his earning potential has not been diminished. But you have given that luxury up in order to look after the kids. Does he understand the kids are joint? And that they require care? Doea he understand that the reason you earn a small amount is because you are doing both his share and your own share of the childcare? Which means he doesnt need to sacrifice working hours. That means the money he earns must be made available to you, because you're putting in his share of the childcare and giving up your own earnings to so it.

However, it's all rather moot if you're simply unhappy and unwilling to continue the relationship. It might be time for a change if that's really what you want.

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