Partner took the 3 month mortgage holiday...and didn’t tell me

[TonightYoureAStar]

HI so today my bank kindly sent me a text message asking if I was happy with the mortgage holiday I had...but I wasn’t aware that I was having one, went home and asked my partner, who usually pays the monthly repayments as I’m working part-time looking after the 2 boys aged 5 and 7 - but we have a joint mortgage as I paid half the deposit (£80k) and he confessed that he had done this 2 months ago, but hadn’t told me ???!!!! He is still working, hasn’t been furloughed but has had to take a 10% pay cut, which he had told me about so of course I’ve been worried about money during this period and been v.frugal - however yesterday I asked if he could get a cycling helmet for the boys and he told me to get it, as money was tight....so I don’t think I’m being unreasonable to be absolutely f£&king fuming now that I know he’s been saving £1,200 a month without telling me????

I think it's fairly clear that they have their own accounts, for those asking why she doesn't check them all/didn't notice.

I'd be livid too, OP. Savings like this would go in our account or the one we have set up for our son.

I would go absolutely ballistic. What has he done with the money?

So he's just kept that money? For himself?
This is financial abuse. It's shocking.

With Santander you literally just fill in an online form and tick a box to say both parties are aware and consent. No signatures or anything, don't even have to speak to anyone.

@hammeringinmyhead

I think it's fairly clear that they have their own accounts, for those asking why she doesn't check them all/didn't notice.

I'd be livid too, OP. Savings like this would go in our account or the one we have set up for our son.

Sorry yes, I was a bit slow on the uptake there. I saw joint mortgagee, and joint savings and assumed they shared finances.

It's not saving to take a mortgage holiday though - it's deferring payment and if I understand correctly will slightly increase the interest paid overall?

I would be fuming in your position. I took the mortgage holiday. The house is in my name and is paid from my bank account as it was mine before I met DH. Household income is still ours though and the money was moved to a joint account. It is there to cover the extra costs of lockdown, including all the extra things the children need.

That’s a nasty level of deceit considering he’d have pocketed the lot if you’d not found out. If he can lie to you on that level..... well

I honestly don’t know, he is very tight with money or as he says ‘likes To save’ but why didn’t he just tell me so I wasn’t so worried about saving, I am freelance graphic designer and only earn £800 a month and My earnings have gone down now I’ve had to home school etc, I would have appreciated a bit of support

So he's taken a mortgage holiday on a joint mortgage and not told you? That's appalling. And it's just as appalling of the mortgage company to agree it when they only had confirmation from one party.

I'd either a) go and get a full time job and tell him he needs to sort out childcare for your children and/or b) leave.

And kick up a stink with your lenders.

Yep that was the decent thing to do IMO

Yes, he 'likes to save' for himself. OP, you will never see that money.

Stop contributing any money to mortgage, bills, etc until you have access to the savings.

And start building your own savings fund, I have a feeling you'll need it.

I’d be asking to see the account the money is supposed to come out of and where it’s gone to.

I’d also be demanding a shake up of your finances giving you access to shared finances like mortgage payments etc. You should have a joint account for all that to come out of.

So how do you work out your finances? Why is he paying £500 into the joint bank account? What does that cover? Presumably it's separate from the mortgage?

Have I got this right - you work PT because of childcare but are unmarried so you wouldn't have any claim on his pension or assets that have built up during your relationship? So this money he's been saving - it goes into savings in his name which you have no right to, although you do still have an additional £3600 that you are partly responsible for? Yes, I'd be pissed off.

I would quickly find out where I stood regarding the house.

Is it half yours? Are the deeds and mortgage in both your names?

I would now be worried about what else he's done or not told me.

He has both been very deceitful and lied easily.

This would effect how much I would now trust him.

How is this working as a partnership.

It's pretty out of order. But you said be pays the monthly mortgage and you don't, so it's not as if he's stealing money from you. He's giving HIMSELF abreak from the monthly payments.

I’d be looking over all your incomings and outgoings he sounds like a selfish Scrooge - if you are making all the career sacrifices, especially if you aren’t married, readdress the balance.
I hope you have your own acc too.

I seriously would leave him over this, he has also been earning basically a s much as usual too (when you haven't). have you asked him why?

@Smallsteps88

I’d be asking to see the account the money is supposed to come out of and where it’s gone to.

I’d also be demanding a shake up of your finances giving you access to shared finances like mortgage payments etc. You should have a joint account for all that to come out of.

I have been asking for that for years, and he won’t do it, our relationship has been on the rocks for years and this is the final straw IMO - I Want him to move out but he won’t

Wow, I'd be asking for a complete re-organisation on finances. Joint account with joint savings that you both access. You shouldn't have to ask for money, it should be from a joint account you both access and monitor. For me that would be a deal breaker - he has broken your rust and keep the money.

He likes to save .
Whose savings are they though ?
Not being married means they are very much his savings.

Yes I have my own account, but I can’t earn as much as I do all the house work and 80% of the childcare..

I’m confused-if he pays the mortgage himself in full each month then it doesn’t seem that bad to me that he made the decision to take the holiday. Sorry if I’ve missed something but I don’t think you’ve confirmed if both the house and the mortgage are in both your names? If that’s the case and he pays the mortgage in full each month I don’t think you have a huge amount to complain about to be honest...and saving the money seems responsible to me, he’s obviously concerned about job prospects and cash in the bank at this point could be more useful than three months more mortgage paid off.

Am I missing something here? Of course I would expect to be spoken to regardless of the above if it were my spouse, but is there backstory of you perhaps being more of a spender and maybe that’s why he didn’t want you to have wind of the cash sitting about?

I’m making some presumptions I know, which could be way off, I’m just trying to look at the situation from all angles.

I’d be so angry if that happened. Especially with you be worried about money a bit. Or at least watching what you spend. And even more so with it affecting what you buy the kids.