To think about her all the time

[hotstepper4]

Okay, so a bit of background: I've been married to my husband for two years, we've been together for seven years. I have a son who is nine, he has three children: a daughter who is 11, a son who is 10, and a son who is seven. I've been in the children's lives for six years.

For the most part it's been good. I've always had a good relationship with my stepchildren, and it was so nice for my son to feel that he had siblings.

In particular I was close to my stepdaughter. We always got on so well. I must admit my friends and family have always found her to be rather rude and aloof, and it's true that she definitely could be. She would ignore my friends if we went out or be rude to my mum. I made excuses for her, tell them that she was tired or shy. To be honest I don't think this was the reason. I'm not putting her down, just giving you background that she has always been hard work however we had a bond and I felt that it was mutual.

She started secondary school in September 2019. I was scheduled to collect her from
school thar first day, I remember being really excited about it, to hear about her first day at school.

As soon as she saw me, she ran. I chased after her and caught her arm. Asked her what she was doing. She said she was getting the school bus and going back to her mums. She said now that she was in secondary school she was old enough to decide what she wanted to do with her life. I said no, you're not, it's your weekend with your dad and you are coming with me. Perhaps I should have just let her go but I was so shocked. She came with me but the whole way she was moaning and crying. Eventually after a while I relented, said I'd take her to her mums. Which I did. I didn't understand but Dh spoke to her mum that night and she said she'd bring dsd round the following morning.

The next morning she came back. We tried to talk to her about what happened the day before, but she just clammed up and started crying. Then later she texted her mum and told her to come and get her, which she did. After that, my stepdaughter started sending my husband horrible text messages. Asking him why was he her dad, she hated him, even called him a bastard. Some people said that this had to be her mother speaking, however knowing my stepdaughter as I do, I am sure that it was her.

Since this we have seen her twice. The first time, was in December. She showed up with her brothers unexpectedly, but then became very annoyed that she did not have any Christmas gifts as we were not expecting her, and ran back to her mothers. The second time my husband showed up to collect her from her drama group. She was awful from the outset. She ran up to our bedroom. I went up to ask her what was going on, and she just kept telling me you know you know. I said I don't know I have no idea, and she said you know about how Dad hits me. My husband has never laid a hand on her, and I am 100% confident about this. She then ran out of the house again, back to her mothers. My husband was really worried about her accusations, he was worried about what would happen to his access to his sons if her accusations were taken seriously. So he wrote a letter to her, saying that he will always love her and be there for her, but that he will give her what she wants, and leave her alone.

Since then we have heard nothing at all from her. It has been about five months now. She hides from my husband when he dropped the boys off, and on more than one occasion, he has heard her mother laughing at her hiding herself. He's had no support from my stepdaughter's mother she just says that she doesn't want my stepdaughter to hate her too.

My stepdaughter is turning 12 in August. I think about her every day. I think we should send her a card and maybe a gift. But my husband thinks a card is more than enough. He has been hurt beyond belief by this. He doesn't understand and she's never given any reason or explanation for her behaviour. I don't know how to proceed with it. If you text her she doesn't answer. I think I will send a card and sign it from myself her dad and her stepbrother.

It feels like we will never get her back, and it haunts me. I'll be interested to know what other people would do in this position.

Sorry this is long I dictated it because it's so long but I wanted to be clear about the situation and not drip feed.

I completely understand it's a very difficult situation right now, but until she's heard this isn't going to go away.
Your husband needs to be communicating with the mum, with the school if needs be to try and open some lines of communication between you all.
I feel for you, as you just want the best for them all but unfortunately you're piggy in the middle and until you step outside and look at it from a neutral stance and really listen to her it will be impossible for you to talk to your husband and truly get through to him.
Something has scared her, whether it's abuse, changes (if she has asd), or anything else she needs help. And ASAP, if this has been going on for a long time. I dread to think how she'll be in another year.
Her mother also needs a firm kick up the arse to help this situation.

Could she have remembered a situation that happened years ago and misunderstood? Some people in my family have vivid flashbacks but if you were a young child when you recorded the memory it can be very troublesome.

Could you try and get the dsd counselling that neither of you is involved with so she can explore what she’s doing? The mum can’t honestly think it’s healthy to cut off your dad - it’s not good for her future relationships. One family member did this with her dad and she’s never managed to have a successful relationship as an adult.

not meaning to be cheeky but your husband needs to step up , he's to upset to speak to her? She is 11 she is a child, you make a commitment as a parent to be there for your children 100% and sorry but your husband just leaving her is out of order, you mentioned her brother has autism she maybe feels left out as her brother gets more attention ( which is understandable of course) and it sounds as if it's always you that's making the effort with her and not her dad, it's your husband that's the problem here he needs to go fix things himself with his daughter and spend more time the two of them, he's her dad at the end of the day if she's going through a hard time you don't just back out because your to
Upset

And as for the Christmas present thing I urge you to read the full thread as you clearly haven't

I urge you do listen to your step daughter. Just because you believe your husband wouldn't do something doesn't mean he hasn't done anything and his willingness just to not have a relationship with his daughter is alarming. It makes me think that something did happen and he just wants to turn his back on it.
If my son came to me and said his dad hits him even though I believe his dad wouldn't. Would I believe my son? Yes I fucking would until proven otherwise.
This isn't about you and her. You can say her mother doesn't want to do this that and the other. Your problem is your deadbeat husband.

Hi op

Firstly asd in girls cn be super hard to diagnose. You need to find specialist service - even get dh to push the school again. Teen girls are super good at making, especially at school. If the person doing the assessment doesnt have written background from yourself and dh then she could have easily not be diagnosed.

Secondly get dh to counselling evening if dsd wont go. Perhaps her mum would agree to take her to same counsellor for seperate sessions? Even not I think your dh should go.

www.healthline.com/health-news/why-girls-show-autism-later#Possible-diagnostic-pitfalls

I think you're getting some harsh responses here OP. It sounds like you really do love and miss her and want her to be part of your family which is really nice.
I actually totally understand why your DH would back off, ESPECIALLY if her accusations are false, he would be thinking 'what's next?' I don't think I need to spell out what that could be and it would be terrifying for anyone.
But DSD is clearly not ok, either someone has hurt her or she is so angry about something she is making it up - both of which need serious attention and investigation.

www.autism.org.uk/about/what-is/gender/stories.aspx
Theres a free trg module for asd girls and families

My parents are divorced. I think my dad is the kind of father that would react the same as your dh. He would give up on me "to save his mental health" or to just make his life easier. My mother wouldnt though. Thats the difference between a real parent and a fake one.

www.spectrumnews.org/features/deep-dive/the-lost-girls/
This article got me thinking too. Some add are very black and white. Interpret things very literally

Any chance dh has autism too?

Oh dear to god its the old ASD diagnosis .....yes i agree with girls its difficult however she has made herself clear that she doesnt want to be around her dad. He is a crap father who dropped out of her life before she was born but managed to set up home with someone else when she was a baby. Thats not ASD...he is a selfish and crap dad who happily drops out of her life when things get too tough like hearing a few home truths. My dad was shit and I stopped contact with him and surprise surprise he did what your OH did which was precisely nothing. I bet you sent the reach out texts or were involved in them somehow - she wants her dad not a random woman- and thats what you are in the eyes of a child who wants her dad.

OP, it must be very hard for you to read some of this. You are evidently a lovely stepmum. However, you also love your husband - which means that you perhaps have a blind spot to his faults. You do acknowledge that he could do more for his DD - but the fact remains that you have only been together for seven years. I know this feels like a long time to have been together with someone - but it's a drop in the ocean. I've been with my current partner for five years, and it still feels like a new relationship, because I was with XH for over 20 years.

You can't know anyone as well as you say you know your husband. I know this is hard to deal with, but it's true. My XH only sexually abused his daughters, and then only the youngest daughters from both his marriages. I would have thought it completely impossible, but it wasn't.

I don't mean to say your DH is doing this - I obviously haven't got a clue. However, I really don't think you can discount it completely. The best thing, by far, would be for your DSD's claims to be investigated. If they're not true, nobody will blame her, and it might help everyone to understand why she would say such a thing if it's not true. If they are true, she needs to be listened to. Either way, she probably needs to know that she will be taken seriously.

Your DSD's mum may well be toxic. The mother of my stepchildren was 100% toxic. However, that doesn't change the fact that his youngest daughter by that marriage had good reason to go NC with him.

Her behaviour and reactions to her father is very concerning. Especially if it came out of the blue. Have her parents spoken to anyone like her school who might be able to offer her support outside the family?

I’d be really concerned that a child has had a sudden change in behaviour and is saying she has been abused.

Sounds like she should be having some additional support from outside the family. She’s clearly very upset and distressed.

This thread is very upsetting. Im astounded by how niave the OP is. If your husband is an abuser he certainly picked the right wife.

I dont agree with those that say her father should continue to keep in touch. He has already told her that he has let her go. She wouldnt be forced to see him by the Courts and it seems she has planned it that way., only refusing to see him when she would no longer be forced to. She needs counselling and someone to listen to her. Not a self obsessed man and his enabler.

Whatever the truth is, something happened to make her back off. I absolutely don't like how useless and self absorbed your DH sounds. There seems to be zero empathy for dsd. He even called ss with a view to make her see him, completely misunderstanding that contact time is HER right to contact, or her right not too when she is old enough (like now). He doesn't sound like a caring father to her at all. I know you are trying to make him contact her but to be honest I wonder if she wouldn't be better off without him in her life. He doesn't act like a loving father should, so I severely doubt if he is only seeing her when it's nice, and now that it's tougher he couldn't be arsed.

I am not sure that children do just make up false accusations. What for? Fun?

I feel very sad for her that before all of this she had no time alone with her father at all. My dad would drop me for girlfriends all the time. Every access weekend with him that I would spend two weeks desperate for were spent with someone else and it devastated me. I am hugely glad I was an only child because having to have that happen and have it happen some more with siblings would have torn me into pieces. He invited her to dinner, took her to a concert, great but the damage is done. She shared Legoland and her dad with her brothers and you.

OP, you are clearly very concerned about your DSD and want what’s best for her.

I know it’s horrible to think of, but please don’t think that abusers can only abuse when they are alone with their victim. I was abused by my grandfather, and I was never on my own with him. There were almost always other adults in the house or room, and on the very rare occasions that there weren’t, my younger sister was there.

I am not sure that children do just make up false accusations

My friends stepson made up accusations about his step dad. Police investigation, man was stopped from seeing his daughter, it was horrendous for everyone. Stepson then said he didn’t like his stepdad and I think he was jealous of his relationship with his much younger half sister, even though his relationship wiry his own father (friend’s DP was good and he saw him a lot) and he’d made it all up to get him into trouble and out of the house. He was around 13 at the time.

I can't offer much in the way of advice but something may have triggered this situation the first time, but it might be ongoing because you stepdaughter enjoys her weekends with her mum and without her brothers. I can imagine it's probably really peaceful and revolves around her. Going back to staying with you may not be that fun especially if she's having to share the attention with 3 other children and if her Dad doesn't appear that bothered about her. So even if contact can be started again it may need to look a bit different to compete with time alone with her mum.

@hotstepper4 I have read all your parts of the thread but not other advice so maybe someone has given same advice.
I know you really miss her but she has a mum. Your own ds will be missing out on time with you that you are spending getting involved. Give him your attention
Hopefully when she is older she will come back to you.
Your dh needs to send a weekly message so she knows he is not giving up.
Dh needs to write her a letter to put in birthday card and xmas card.
You could invite her out for a picnic or takeaway for her birthday to have your own catch up.
I'd say she is attention seeking and jealous off boys or her mum is behind the whole thing spoiling her if she reacts like this to hurt your dh to make him sad she will give her anything she wants.
By the time she is 15 most girls fight with their mum and she might come back to you then .
My advice don't spend your whole life thinking about your step daughter who doesn't want to be with you enjoy the boys.
Maybe if she gets pushed less about it she will come back quicker

Surely if you were being mistakenly accused of something by your own child you would actively work with social services etc to ensure that whatever was being said about you was disproved?

How do you disprove a false accusation?

why do you need to know what happened so badly - it is this that jars with the whole he could never do it bit that makes me uncomfortable

I am not sure that children do just make up false accusations

They do. I don't know how often but I have known it to happen.