To think about her all the time

[hotstepper4]

Okay, so a bit of background: I've been married to my husband for two years, we've been together for seven years. I have a son who is nine, he has three children: a daughter who is 11, a son who is 10, and a son who is seven. I've been in the children's lives for six years.

For the most part it's been good. I've always had a good relationship with my stepchildren, and it was so nice for my son to feel that he had siblings.

In particular I was close to my stepdaughter. We always got on so well. I must admit my friends and family have always found her to be rather rude and aloof, and it's true that she definitely could be. She would ignore my friends if we went out or be rude to my mum. I made excuses for her, tell them that she was tired or shy. To be honest I don't think this was the reason. I'm not putting her down, just giving you background that she has always been hard work however we had a bond and I felt that it was mutual.

She started secondary school in September 2019. I was scheduled to collect her from
school thar first day, I remember being really excited about it, to hear about her first day at school.

As soon as she saw me, she ran. I chased after her and caught her arm. Asked her what she was doing. She said she was getting the school bus and going back to her mums. She said now that she was in secondary school she was old enough to decide what she wanted to do with her life. I said no, you're not, it's your weekend with your dad and you are coming with me. Perhaps I should have just let her go but I was so shocked. She came with me but the whole way she was moaning and crying. Eventually after a while I relented, said I'd take her to her mums. Which I did. I didn't understand but Dh spoke to her mum that night and she said she'd bring dsd round the following morning.

The next morning she came back. We tried to talk to her about what happened the day before, but she just clammed up and started crying. Then later she texted her mum and told her to come and get her, which she did. After that, my stepdaughter started sending my husband horrible text messages. Asking him why was he her dad, she hated him, even called him a bastard. Some people said that this had to be her mother speaking, however knowing my stepdaughter as I do, I am sure that it was her.

Since this we have seen her twice. The first time, was in December. She showed up with her brothers unexpectedly, but then became very annoyed that she did not have any Christmas gifts as we were not expecting her, and ran back to her mothers. The second time my husband showed up to collect her from her drama group. She was awful from the outset. She ran up to our bedroom. I went up to ask her what was going on, and she just kept telling me you know you know. I said I don't know I have no idea, and she said you know about how Dad hits me. My husband has never laid a hand on her, and I am 100% confident about this. She then ran out of the house again, back to her mothers. My husband was really worried about her accusations, he was worried about what would happen to his access to his sons if her accusations were taken seriously. So he wrote a letter to her, saying that he will always love her and be there for her, but that he will give her what she wants, and leave her alone.

Since then we have heard nothing at all from her. It has been about five months now. She hides from my husband when he dropped the boys off, and on more than one occasion, he has heard her mother laughing at her hiding herself. He's had no support from my stepdaughter's mother she just says that she doesn't want my stepdaughter to hate her too.

My stepdaughter is turning 12 in August. I think about her every day. I think we should send her a card and maybe a gift. But my husband thinks a card is more than enough. He has been hurt beyond belief by this. He doesn't understand and she's never given any reason or explanation for her behaviour. I don't know how to proceed with it. If you text her she doesn't answer. I think I will send a card and sign it from myself her dad and her stepbrother.

It feels like we will never get her back, and it haunts me. I'll be interested to know what other people would do in this position.

Sorry this is long I dictated it because it's so long but I wanted to be clear about the situation and not drip feed.

I'm keeping an open mind that something else or somebody else happened to her and she is lashing out at her dad because that feels safer than the truth. Unfortunately that still means that something happened and that she needs help and needs to be listened to.

I have lots of ideas based on what you've said, but none of us really knows the right answer here, and it's vital not to screw up how you handle this imo. I think she needs urgent, expert input. She sounds very distressed. I don't really know how you can leave it even another day tbh.

Send her a Victoria secrets voucher in a card and a make up set. Shes hormonal and prob annoyed new friends parents are together maybe?

For the love of god, please don't take this advice.

Yeah whatever you do please don’t send an 11 year old a Victoria Secrets voucher thats incredibly weird.

They do say on average that it takes about 15 years for some one to tell others about the kind of abuse that is being hinted at here. So she is doing incredibly well if that is.. the case

But the dad making it all about himself looks worrying tbh.

@sunflowersandtulips50 He is a crap father who dropped out of her life before she was born but managed to set up home with someone else when she was a baby. No he didn't. She was approx 4 when he & her mum separated.

If you are going to chime in with your "it can't be this" diatribe, at least make sure your facts are right.

The girls I know at that age have the most amazing social lives. They are off every weekend with their friends and often are allowed out on their own in a small group to go shopping and do other things. If she comes to your house and is with her 2 younger brothers she is missing out on all of this which is a very big deal. If she stays with her mum she can probably do whatever she likes and her mum probably gets to go along sometimes and hang out with her DD and her friends and their mums. This is how my friends with 11-14 years olds live anyway.

I do know a 12 year old DSD who hates going to her dads because he won't take her to do the things above and she misses out on friendships which is a big deal to her. He says he is not wasting his Sat/ Sun driving her around and it is not fair on the other DC.

“ The girls I know at that age have the most amazing social lives.“

Is this a wind up 🥴

I haven't read the full thread so forgive me if I duplicate what others have said.
I think it sounds like your SD is very hurt and you really need to go back to basics in terms of rebuilding a relationship- this needs to start with her dad. He needs to get over what has happened and move forwards. He can not take what has happened so personally or it will totally ruin their relationship forever.
I think he needs to carve out some 121 time with her, maybe once social distancing measure are eased a little he could take her out for a coffee and cake. it needs to be baby steps, there will be days where she still wants nothing to do with him or she is vile when he is trying his hardest and it may not fix the problem but in years to come she will see that he cared and that he tried which is the most important thing. Once her father has healed some of the wounds between him and his daughter then I would say you can start building bridges too but it all needs to be done slowly and with the SD needs at the forefront.

differentnameforthis your quite right the step daughter was 4 but this lovely man left his ex when she was pregant with there DS and started a new relationship with the OP when the new baby was 6mths old. Not surprised his ex is bitter....anyway I did make an error on timings....

Wow more replies thank you so much.

I must omit I'm becoming quite upset about the ongoing accusations that my husband is an abuser to my stepdaughter either physically or sexually. I understand that sometimes enablers will make any excuse to protect an abuser. My mum did this with my dad. He was never sexually abusive but he was definitely physically abusive and my mum was always making excuses for him. However again, I reiterate my husband is a good dad and was always nothing but gentle and respectful to my stepdaughter. He was never alone with her for long enough to do anything abusive and I recognise in Retrospect this may have been part of the problem, and that my stepdaughter didn't feel important to him or at least as important as she should have been.

I'm almost completely sure my stepdaughter is on the spectrum somehow. She showed many signs of this over the years. I was mulling this over while I was in bed last night and I thought of a situation, where to me it was just discipline, however in light of my stepdaughter having potential sensory needs she could've construed it to be something worse. There was a situation where she was on her tablet. Like all children her age she was obsessed with screens and we had a rule that at 7:30 pm the screens would go off. One evening she would not turn her tablet off and after being told at least five times, my husband went over and snatched the tablet from her hands. He did not touch her, but she could've construed this to be rough behaviour. As I said to me this was just my husband being a parent. This is the only situation where I could possibly imagine that she could've seen it as abuse although it really wasn't.

As expected she hasn't responded to my husbands message she sent her yesterday however we will be sending her another one today and every day. Just very mundane things about our pets or something we have seen on TV. No pressure on her at all. Perhaps one day she will answer.

Oh OP that is not discipline snatching the ipad out of her hands. That is the move of a parent who has lost control because they dont spend enough time with their daughter and who favour their sons.

She may well be on the spectrum - did he ever make allowances for this

She may well be exaggerating her claims but it seems she hates him - there is enough you have revealed to see where this may have come from. Unless he accepts he wasnt a good Dad and his part in this it will never be solved

I saw my dad when I was growing up and he was abusive to my mum and had affairs. When I went through hormonal teens I saw him for what he was. A selfish man, he took no real interest in me and spent his time with his new partner and there baby. I was an after thought. I had zero time with him ever as everything revolved around his new life. So I stopped contact with him when I was around 16 and surprise surprise like your OH took the huff and made zero effort at all. As he hadn't done anything wrong either. No birthday cards nothing .Didn't see him for over 20yrs. You need to stop interfering. The DC has an issue with her father it's for him to sort it out.

I wouldn't send messages every day she will get really pissed off thinking you are tempting her.
A quick text from her dad once a week different day each week. I love and miss you.

Is there any chance that your step-daughter's mobile phone number could have changed, OP?

@Tashface I guess it's possible. Dh is going to ask her mum.

were you the other women? you say he has a son of seven and you have been with him for seven years maybe your step daughter did her sums and worked this one out rightly or wrongly.

@typewrriter12 no I wasn't but tbh even I was I would have expected to have at least given this as the reason for her not wanting to see Dh anymore instead of making false accusations against him

My youngest dss was 6 months old when I got with my Dh.

If he hasn't assaulted her, then I would say, at the very least, she's making shit up to get attention, as she is feeling left out. However, you all need to get to the bottom of it.

And it doesn't matter whether you can say with a 100 per cent certainty. That means absolutely nothing. You know why? Because if he is abusive towards her, I can bet, with a 100 per cent certainty, you will be the last to know!

OP you obviously care a lot about your stepdaughter, and unfortunately it sounds like you're the only adult in her life who's really motivated to help her.

At the end of the day, whether she's on the spectrum or not, whether your DH has hurt her accidentally, or she's projecting, or if he really has done something wrong, the fact remains that she's clearly really hurting and desperately needs help. If neither of her birth parents will get her help, then your best bet might well be the school. You might need to push for them to act to get her help, but if it's the only way to get help for her you can't give up. And please don't give up on her; she needs you. It sounds like your DH is preoccupied with his own hurt and her mother might be trying to score points against you. She needs someone to put her first, and it sounds like you're the only one who will.

like i said perhaps this is why she is angry, the fact that her biological family are not together. She is from a combined family. She would rather her little brother to not come from a broken home

@PaperDreamsHoney thank you for such a nice reply. I really do love my stepdaughter and I think of her every single day. I am motivated to try and help. What you say is dead right. My Dh is licking his wounds and her mum is more preoccupied with scoring points against us than she is with my stepdaughters mental health, both now and in the future.

Once her school reopens I will definitely call and try and speak to her pastoral care area.

She's trying to tell you something. And not necessarily about her father. Dig deeper.