To think about her all the time

[hotstepper4]

Okay, so a bit of background: I've been married to my husband for two years, we've been together for seven years. I have a son who is nine, he has three children: a daughter who is 11, a son who is 10, and a son who is seven. I've been in the children's lives for six years.

For the most part it's been good. I've always had a good relationship with my stepchildren, and it was so nice for my son to feel that he had siblings.

In particular I was close to my stepdaughter. We always got on so well. I must admit my friends and family have always found her to be rather rude and aloof, and it's true that she definitely could be. She would ignore my friends if we went out or be rude to my mum. I made excuses for her, tell them that she was tired or shy. To be honest I don't think this was the reason. I'm not putting her down, just giving you background that she has always been hard work however we had a bond and I felt that it was mutual.

She started secondary school in September 2019. I was scheduled to collect her from
school thar first day, I remember being really excited about it, to hear about her first day at school.

As soon as she saw me, she ran. I chased after her and caught her arm. Asked her what she was doing. She said she was getting the school bus and going back to her mums. She said now that she was in secondary school she was old enough to decide what she wanted to do with her life. I said no, you're not, it's your weekend with your dad and you are coming with me. Perhaps I should have just let her go but I was so shocked. She came with me but the whole way she was moaning and crying. Eventually after a while I relented, said I'd take her to her mums. Which I did. I didn't understand but Dh spoke to her mum that night and she said she'd bring dsd round the following morning.

The next morning she came back. We tried to talk to her about what happened the day before, but she just clammed up and started crying. Then later she texted her mum and told her to come and get her, which she did. After that, my stepdaughter started sending my husband horrible text messages. Asking him why was he her dad, she hated him, even called him a bastard. Some people said that this had to be her mother speaking, however knowing my stepdaughter as I do, I am sure that it was her.

Since this we have seen her twice. The first time, was in December. She showed up with her brothers unexpectedly, but then became very annoyed that she did not have any Christmas gifts as we were not expecting her, and ran back to her mothers. The second time my husband showed up to collect her from her drama group. She was awful from the outset. She ran up to our bedroom. I went up to ask her what was going on, and she just kept telling me you know you know. I said I don't know I have no idea, and she said you know about how Dad hits me. My husband has never laid a hand on her, and I am 100% confident about this. She then ran out of the house again, back to her mothers. My husband was really worried about her accusations, he was worried about what would happen to his access to his sons if her accusations were taken seriously. So he wrote a letter to her, saying that he will always love her and be there for her, but that he will give her what she wants, and leave her alone.

Since then we have heard nothing at all from her. It has been about five months now. She hides from my husband when he dropped the boys off, and on more than one occasion, he has heard her mother laughing at her hiding herself. He's had no support from my stepdaughter's mother she just says that she doesn't want my stepdaughter to hate her too.

My stepdaughter is turning 12 in August. I think about her every day. I think we should send her a card and maybe a gift. But my husband thinks a card is more than enough. He has been hurt beyond belief by this. He doesn't understand and she's never given any reason or explanation for her behaviour. I don't know how to proceed with it. If you text her she doesn't answer. I think I will send a card and sign it from myself her dad and her stepbrother.

It feels like we will never get her back, and it haunts me. I'll be interested to know what other people would do in this position.

Sorry this is long I dictated it because it's so long but I wanted to be clear about the situation and not drip feed.

Thanks for responding directly to my post, @hotstepper4 I know this is very hard for you, and it is clear that you are doing everything you can for your DSD.

My XH was closer to his youngest daughters from both his marriages than he was to any of the other children. They were also the ones who were the targets of his less pleasant inclinations. If you had asked him, he would have said the two girls were secretly his favourites. He "absolutely adored" (his words) them.

My DD has just spent the evening talking to me about what her dad did one evening five years ago. I was in the house at the time. DD rarely talks about it directly; most of her distress has come out in 'wayward' behaviour. She refused, and refuses, to speak to a professional - so I know it's a bit silly for me to say you need to see a professional, when I can't get my own daughter to do so. However, I hope my DD will eventually speak to someone else. She's older than your DSD, though, so the impetus has to come from her now. All I can do meanwhile is listen and believe her (I did take legal and SS advice when I left him, and she has only relatively recently chosen to be alone with him - though is now almost an adult herself, so can remove herself should she wish to).

I hope for all your sakes that you find a way through this.

Hmm.

This is all a bit rum. Your husband certainly seems weak. He also seems ineffectual. His daughters resentment has had years to build and you see that however nice you are, you cannot make up for that. She absolutely sees him for what he is, uninterested. I dare say that is why the mother is not going to help - she’s probably had years of making her daughter go and see her father when frankly there were already problems.

Why might there be problems? Well who knows. But I would be amazed if this child was prepared to do family therapy if there is any kind of abuse involved. I assume the mother would also say no.

You sound a little heart broken and perhaps you should be. Your husband sounds weak, self absorbed and prepared to make himself the victim. These are not the signs of a good father or husband.

When he says he doesn't love her, he's right. No true parental love is conditional.
He 'loved' her only as long as she was his Good Girl who thought he was great.
The minute he needed to put some effort in, he noped the hell out of there.

That's not a person I could love or respect.

I think he has taken the easy way out really hasnt he. A little girl who adored him, and hung on his every word when a small child ,has been replaced with a young girl coming up to puberty .She has remembered an incident from the past ,which may or may not have happened no one is 100% sure .She has now put all her feelings of hurt when left as a little girl of 4 ,into this incident (real or imagined) and processing these feelings of abandonment from back then .Result she wants to hit back at him for hurting her by hurting him .Many children do go through Divorce ,but it is never easy really ,and it doesnt sound as though DH wants the fallout ,and would rather just go into denial. By saying he doesnt care whether he sees her or not, is just his way of dealing with it all .You sound a lovely involved S/M and she is lucky to have you .The situation is tricky ,but maybe in a year or two she may come round .Meanwhile although it is hard for you , (you come across as a lovely caring lady ,)Maybe for your own sake perhaps step back a bit for the moment . She may not feel able to go to Counselling ,or maybe it is making her confront herself /the past and she is not ready for that yet .

My eldest son is 30 I had him and my daughter with my first husband and 4 sons with my current husband, I have been with my husband for 25 years.
My eldest still tells people that my husband beat him every day of his home life, this is not true , I don't understand why my son would say this, he also says that his biological father is a paedophile, as we met when I was 16. He regularly causes adjustments just so he can stop talking to us.
4 years ago he attacked me as I refused to argue with him my 10 year old phoned the police.
His recollection of things are so wrong but he insists that they are true.
He tells people we threw him it off the house when he was 14 but he was in fact 17 and he didn't throw him out we arranged for him to have a break from us and from us from him, he went to my sil house 5 doors away!!!!
I really don't know where we went wrong with him? But talking about it now with my other 3 adult children they always said how when eldest was around all our attention went on him and his "moods" as he was very demanding of attention and they felt left out.
I don't know what im saying but I understand being in this horrible situation.

So let me get this right:

His wife at the time, who with a four year old and a six month old, got pregnant by accident and then decided to leave him? Really?

Come on. You shacked up with someone who left his wife while she was still pregnant. If you’re naive enough to believe the story above you’re absolutely naive enough to think he would never hurt his daughter.

As a side do you fucking blame the mum for disliking you both?

You weren’t around the first four years of his daughter’s life you have no idea what repressed memories she has.

She is literally shaking in his company and running away from him - and you’re desperately trying to contort what’s happening into being all in her head?!

Stop obsessively chasing her to convince yourself he’s done nothing wrong, you’re making the situation even worse and it’s not because you care about her at all it’s all for you.

@hotstepper4

So to update on the situation - I've now sent two text messages To my stepdaughter from my husbands phone. Both very lighthearted not making any demands of her just asking how she is.

I persuaded my husband to text my stepdaughter's mum, and check but her phone number is the same. She came back confirming that it is. I sent a response back asking her to let my stepdaughter know that we love and miss her. She came back and said that she will tell her.

However something that is really beginning to bug me, is my husbands reticence in this situation. I asked him about it tonight. He said that my stepdaughter has broken his heart, but he never thought she could be capable of spreading lies like that about him and that he is now fearful of her. He said he feels nothing towards her, and was not interested in reconciliation. I asked him if he loved her. He said he didn't know anymore. He said he used to love her more than anything in the world, but she wasn't the girl he thought she was. He said that if she came to our doorstep now, he would have nothing to say to her.

I feel really depressed about this. How can she not be the first thing he thinks about in the morning and the last thing he thinks about at night? Perhaps I don't understand. I'm incredibly close to my son who is nine. If you should ever is on his back on me, which I hope to God he doesn't, I don't think a single day would go past when I wouldn't try to bring him back into my life. And I cannot think of a single thing he could do which would make me stop loving him.

Where do I go from here? Should I just give up? Accept that it's just gonna be this way? I admit I may be projecting slightly. The lack of a good relationship with my dad in my life has been something that has always made me feel sad. I didn't want that for her.

I know some people have gained from this that my husband showed strong preference for his sons and his daughter but he really didn't, if anything they were closer than the boys.

I spoke to my mum about it today. She thinks that it's the hurt speaking and that he doesn't really feel this way about her. I don't know what to think.

Don’t message her pretending that her Dad cares. That’s extremely unfair on her

Focus on the fact that your husband isn’t who you thought he was

After a few months of his daughter not complying he’s given up on her and now states he feels nothing for her. How cold is that?

Also, think about your son (and his sons) who are seeing this. They are watching him not only not fight for their sister, but actively lose interest in her. That will have a tremendous difference on them

LTB is used far too often on here, but I’d have serious issues in a relationship with a man who can apparently switch off all feelings for his own child after a few tough months. What will he do if you go through a rocky patch or you do something he doesn’t like?

Oh OP how do you feel about this - his willingness to switch off his emotions when she is not doing what he wants her to do.

How is your relationship does he stonewall or control you?

Oh lordy, he's explicitly showing you who he is. Listen.

I dare say that is why the mother is not going to help - she’s probably had years of making her daughter go and see her father when frankly there were already problems.

I think this is a very perceptive point. Presumably it was her mother who told her at some point that when she was at secondary school she'd be old enough to make up her own mind about whether she wanted to see him, and it seems that she took that literally, which would explain the outburst on day one of school. It's worth reminding yourself how much of the time they spent together before that was either not one-to-one or she ducked out of.

Not many people have picked you up on it, but I think sending messages from his phone, as if from him, really crossed a line btw. I get that you're anxious about it all, but that's really not on imo.

Not many people have picked you up on it, but I think sending messages from his phone, as if from him, really crossed a line btw. I get that you're anxious about it all, but that's really not on imo

I was about to post exactly this.

He cant even be bothered to text her himself.
No woman decides to go it alone pregnant with two small children out of the blue.
There is more to this than you know about or likely want to find out.
He is not a good man or a good father. Not at all.
If you hadn't been around as soon as he split with his ex he probably wouldn't see any of his children, the stepping up to responsibility, organising and sacrifices are too much trouble for lazy, emotionally retarded men such as your husband, especially when they've got a crazy ex to blame.
You've enabled him to have the bare minimum relationship with his kids by being a good mum yourself and picking up his slack, steering and cajolling him to go against his instincts which are only for himself.
His daughter has probably come to realise some of this.
Leave her alone, stop sending her messages pretending that her dad gives a fuck about her when hes admitted to you himself that he doesnt.
Its cruel and sneaky.
Just leave the poor girl alone, it sounds like she is better off out of this mess and away from your husband.

Your update is heartbreaking. You must be gutted that he's clearly not the nice man and parent that you thought he was. He's very immature talking about his feelings rather than worrying about hers. Did he do this when she was a young child and shouted "I hate you?" She's almost a teen and they will overreact to things and say nasty things. How's he going to cope when your son says something like he wishes his mum never met him or if his sons call him swear words out of anger? He's going to have to do better than sulk that his heart has been broken.

Did you talk to him about your theory that a child with sensory issues might have interpreted the tablet grabbing incident as violent even though they weren't touched? My kids are NT but when they were young they would have described a calm telling off as shouting so I agree that grabbing could be construed as violent

The messages from your h's phone need to come from his heart. Stop sending them on his behalf. Worst case scenario she comes round and he does his "don't know what to say to her" routine and she is hurt again.

It’s very sad, there’s no good reason for an adult to give up on a child of 11 no wonder you are so upset.

I hate to say this, but you actually don't know if your husband has abused her in some way or not.

The fact that he's even raising access to other children is a massive red flag. Why is he even worried about til that, if this is just an extended hormonal tantrum?

Can you go and meet her mother in private to discuss what's going on?

My God you are indeed an enabler OP, all the way through this thread you have repeatedly defended your husband, shocking really.

@WhitbyGoth I'm defending my husband because he has not abused her in anyway! Ffs. It's getting really irritating now.

I have admitted that he can be weak and selfish. He knows that too. He is not acting the way I'd like him to act. However today he messaged her, complaining at his own initiative, send her a video of our cat playing. I did not ask him to do this, he just did it. He is starting to realise he needs to do this at the very least.

I know my husband. I live with him. You cannot deduce that he's an abuser from a few messages on an Internet forum. To keep accusing my husband of abuse over and over again is just taking away from the thread.

My stepdaughter has shown many times over the years that she is capable of being cruel and calculating. I love her very much and always will but as I mentioned in my first post I was always having to defend her. I had a friend who would expressly request that I not bring her when we met up as she found her so rude. My son is terrified of snails for some inexplicable reason. She would think it hilarious to put them in his bed. She showed time and time again that she was disturbed in some way and as I mentioned I'm very sure she has some additional needs. Also, when accusing my husband of this apparent abuse, she swore I was there at the time and had witnessed it. She could not give me a single example!

I want very much for my husband to reconcile with his daughter. But I will no longer respond to any posts insinuating he is an abuser because he is not.

Complaining - completely, autocorrect

I think you are thinking of abuser in terms of physical or sexual abuse.

Looking at this

www.healthline.com/health/child-neglect-and-psychological-abuse#signs-of-abuse

Not only does she exhibit the signs but one of the components is

withholding love, support, or guidance

I don't want to sound like the Salem witch trials but that is not the reaction of a normal loving parent. It sounds like the reaction of an abuser who is finding the dialogue really scary and wants to shut it down quick.

I know my husband. I live with him

OP, I can understand your frustration. But it's really upsetting to read this. I knew my husband for 20 years. I lived with him. He still abused our youngest daughter while I was in the house. I would once have bet a million pounds this would not happen, but it did.

I hope you find a solution to your dilemma, but I'm leaving this now as I have told you that my ex husband did something that I would have thought impossible, and the pain this has caused has been immense. It is not something I would otherwise talk about. But your situation may be different. I hope it is.

[quote hotstepper4]@WhitbyGoth I'm defending my husband because he has not abused her in anyway! Ffs. It's getting really irritating now.

I have admitted that he can be weak and selfish. He knows that too. He is not acting the way I'd like him to act. However today he messaged her, complaining at his own initiative, send her a video of our cat playing. I did not ask him to do this, he just did it. He is starting to realise he needs to do this at the very least.

I know my husband. I live with him. You cannot deduce that he's an abuser from a few messages on an Internet forum. To keep accusing my husband of abuse over and over again is just taking away from the thread.

My stepdaughter has shown many times over the years that she is capable of being cruel and calculating. I love her very much and always will but as I mentioned in my first post I was always having to defend her. I had a friend who would expressly request that I not bring her when we met up as she found her so rude. My son is terrified of snails for some inexplicable reason. She would think it hilarious to put them in his bed. She showed time and time again that she was disturbed in some way and as I mentioned I'm very sure she has some additional needs. Also, when accusing my husband of this apparent abuse, she swore I was there at the time and had witnessed it. She could not give me a single example!

I want very much for my husband to reconcile with his daughter. But I will no longer respond to any posts insinuating he is an abuser because he is not. [/quote]
Many times over the years she’s cruel and calculating? She’s 11 OP. 11.

Children who are cruel and calculating at a young age generally learn that behaviour from somewhere. It’s learned and often a reaction.

Your insistence that “I know my husband” is actually quite insulting to many people. Do you think other people married to abusers didn’t know their husbands?

When you met your husband would you have believed anyone who told you that he’d give up on his daughter and tell you he felt nothing for her? If someone had told you that 2 years ago would you have believed them or would you have scoffed because you knew him?

Oh dear, I hope you get the answers OP, but many of us have seen this over and over. Perhaps your curiosity is chipping away at you, defend him all you want, no one cares about his hurt feelings, he should be ashamed of himself.

OP - why would she lie? she may have memories mixed up and confused but why would she outright lie?

The underlying principle in working with children who claim that they have been abused is that you believe them, no questions asked. That is why so many people are struggling to understand why you insist you know your husband and that he wouldn't do this. A lot is pointing to there being an issue here. He might not have done anything but what if...?

However today he messaged her, complaining at his own initiative, send her a video of our cat playing. I did not ask him to do this, he just did it. He is starting to realise he needs to do this at the very least

Listen to yourself! He hasn't been doing this consistently. He's merely responding and reacting to your insistence and pressure to get you to shut up.

Normal parents don't 'start to realise' they need to put their children first by the time their kids are 12. They always know that.

I said it earlier but you're trying to get him to behave in a way that is alien to him and probably always will be. It's like you're trying to animate a corpse.

Personally I wouldn't want him anywhere near any children.