To think about her all the time

[hotstepper4]

Okay, so a bit of background: I've been married to my husband for two years, we've been together for seven years. I have a son who is nine, he has three children: a daughter who is 11, a son who is 10, and a son who is seven. I've been in the children's lives for six years.

For the most part it's been good. I've always had a good relationship with my stepchildren, and it was so nice for my son to feel that he had siblings.

In particular I was close to my stepdaughter. We always got on so well. I must admit my friends and family have always found her to be rather rude and aloof, and it's true that she definitely could be. She would ignore my friends if we went out or be rude to my mum. I made excuses for her, tell them that she was tired or shy. To be honest I don't think this was the reason. I'm not putting her down, just giving you background that she has always been hard work however we had a bond and I felt that it was mutual.

She started secondary school in September 2019. I was scheduled to collect her from
school thar first day, I remember being really excited about it, to hear about her first day at school.

As soon as she saw me, she ran. I chased after her and caught her arm. Asked her what she was doing. She said she was getting the school bus and going back to her mums. She said now that she was in secondary school she was old enough to decide what she wanted to do with her life. I said no, you're not, it's your weekend with your dad and you are coming with me. Perhaps I should have just let her go but I was so shocked. She came with me but the whole way she was moaning and crying. Eventually after a while I relented, said I'd take her to her mums. Which I did. I didn't understand but Dh spoke to her mum that night and she said she'd bring dsd round the following morning.

The next morning she came back. We tried to talk to her about what happened the day before, but she just clammed up and started crying. Then later she texted her mum and told her to come and get her, which she did. After that, my stepdaughter started sending my husband horrible text messages. Asking him why was he her dad, she hated him, even called him a bastard. Some people said that this had to be her mother speaking, however knowing my stepdaughter as I do, I am sure that it was her.

Since this we have seen her twice. The first time, was in December. She showed up with her brothers unexpectedly, but then became very annoyed that she did not have any Christmas gifts as we were not expecting her, and ran back to her mothers. The second time my husband showed up to collect her from her drama group. She was awful from the outset. She ran up to our bedroom. I went up to ask her what was going on, and she just kept telling me you know you know. I said I don't know I have no idea, and she said you know about how Dad hits me. My husband has never laid a hand on her, and I am 100% confident about this. She then ran out of the house again, back to her mothers. My husband was really worried about her accusations, he was worried about what would happen to his access to his sons if her accusations were taken seriously. So he wrote a letter to her, saying that he will always love her and be there for her, but that he will give her what she wants, and leave her alone.

Since then we have heard nothing at all from her. It has been about five months now. She hides from my husband when he dropped the boys off, and on more than one occasion, he has heard her mother laughing at her hiding herself. He's had no support from my stepdaughter's mother she just says that she doesn't want my stepdaughter to hate her too.

My stepdaughter is turning 12 in August. I think about her every day. I think we should send her a card and maybe a gift. But my husband thinks a card is more than enough. He has been hurt beyond belief by this. He doesn't understand and she's never given any reason or explanation for her behaviour. I don't know how to proceed with it. If you text her she doesn't answer. I think I will send a card and sign it from myself her dad and her stepbrother.

It feels like we will never get her back, and it haunts me. I'll be interested to know what other people would do in this position.

Sorry this is long I dictated it because it's so long but I wanted to be clear about the situation and not drip feed.

@typewrriter12 I'm sure she does wish her parents were together. We all regret bad things in our lives. I wish my ds's dad hadn't been such a dickhead, I wish my dad cared more about me than he does a can of Heineken.

Life is shitty and messy and yes I'm sure over the years my stepdaughter has felt keenly the effects of having split parents. But tons of children have the same situation in their lives and they don't all cut their fathers out of their lives at 11 years old.

"to see Dh anymore instead of making false accusations against him"

You have absolutely no clue whether she is or is not making false accusations. The only people who could know that is your DH and his daughter.

THe problem is OP you yourself have summed up the basic issue that her Dad is more concerned with his sons and his own feelings then hers or getting to the bottom of it. Cant be bothered to discipline so snatches this and gets angry when he does intereact with her and then when she needed him to step up wrote a letter to say he was cutting her out. Then when she did come round saw he had Christmas Presents for her brothers (whose favouritism of has driven a lot of this) and not or her

If one of her brother had started secondary school would he have arranged to be there at the end of the day to pick them up? That may well have been a testing point, does he care enough to be there for me. He wasnt so she walked away.

And now he is more concerned with whether this will affect his relationships with his sons and his hurt feelings that his daughter.

All of the above you have described and told as truth yet you still think he is a good Dad.

Tons of children live with this and they dont cut out involved and loving fathers who care about them. None of the above shows us

@Healthyandhappy

Send her a Victoria secrets voucher in a card and a make up set. Shes hormonal and prob annoyed new friends parents are together maybe?

Every time I read a reply from this poster, I think it can't be for fucking real.

You really do need to stay out off it.
It's your dh that needs to contact school.
If she keeps saying these things your dh is correct your life could be a lot more miserable not seeing his sons.
Her mum seems to be behind it as long as you know she is safe leave it she will come back in her own time.
The more you push the more she will resist.
I think you miss the girl time and that is understandable.
Take a break from the wanting contact.

This thread is so scary. This child has mustered up the courage to tell someone she's being abused and nobody believes her, because "He's so gentle!" and "He would never do that!"

How many partners of convicted abusers say that? Yeah, that's right, pretty much all of them.

I hope somebody in her life steps up for her.

@borntohula I agree. I don't know how anyone could suggest a Victoria's Secret voucher for an 11 year old.

WhenISnapped if anything, she would be less inclined to want anything to do with her dad if he sent her that! This user's posts are consistently ridiculous though.

@Andi2020

You really do need to stay out off it. It's your dh that needs to contact school. If she keeps saying these things your dh is correct your life could be a lot more miserable not seeing his sons. Her mum seems to be behind it as long as you know she is safe leave it she will come back in her own time. The more you push the more she will resist. I think you miss the girl time and that is understandable. Take a break from the wanting contact.

100% agree with this! It's clear you're making effort OP but his daughter needs to see that he is. Her issue isn't with you or her mum, it's him. If you stop pushing this, will he actually continue trying to resolve things with his daughter or is that what you're afraid of? It doesn't sound like he loves her as much as you do

@borntohula agree with that as well - I would have been so embarrassed at that age if I'd been given that especially by my Dad.

I am sick of Mumsnet being husband haters. Children can and do make things up. My sister is 17 but acts like a 12 year old and makes up random stuff it’s awful. I feel for your husband as children can be horrible and he probably doesn’t want to constantly hassle her and let her come back on her own terms

Your h needs to the one to call school and show that she is a priority to him. I know that you love her too but she needs to see him put himself out there.

I think it was always going to be a weird dynamic with 1 girl then 3 boys especially if days out were geared towards the youngest and Dad spent more than with the boys than her. (I say this because when you did girly stuff with her then presumably he was doing boyish stuff with the boys)

I have to agree that Victoria's Secret for an 11 year old is bizarre. I would pick places like Superdrug, New Look or Primark (assuming she's into makeup and fashion) if I was buying a voucher for that age group.

Dementeddotcom the OP has revealed enough poor behaviour on the part of tea Dad under the banner of being a good dad

@Dementeddotcom
I’m not a husband hater and If a child alleges they’ve been abused I would choose to support them on the basis they were telling the truth rather than assume they were lying.

Of course a very small minority might make something up....that would never be my first assumption though...especially on the basis of very minimal information from their partners perspective only.

She may have blocked your numbers so the message will appear delivered but she won't have read it.

I don't think she's blocked his number as I have texted a blocked number before and the message just kept rejecting

[quote hotstepper4]@2bazookas I have never been more sure of anything when I say absolutely not. He would never, ever, ever.[/quote]
This is unbelievable. He might not have done anything but there is NO way you can be this sure about it.

So to update on the situation - I've now sent two text messages To my stepdaughter from my husbands phone. Both very lighthearted not making any demands of her just asking how she is.

I persuaded my husband to text my stepdaughter's mum, and check but her phone number is the same. She came back confirming that it is. I sent a response back asking her to let my stepdaughter know that we love and miss her. She came back and said that she will tell her.

However something that is really beginning to bug me, is my husbands reticence in this situation. I asked him about it tonight. He said that my stepdaughter has broken his heart, but he never thought she could be capable of spreading lies like that about him and that he is now fearful of her. He said he feels nothing towards her, and was not interested in reconciliation. I asked him if he loved her. He said he didn't know anymore. He said he used to love her more than anything in the world, but she wasn't the girl he thought she was. He said that if she came to our doorstep now, he would have nothing to say to her.

I feel really depressed about this. How can she not be the first thing he thinks about in the morning and the last thing he thinks about at night? Perhaps I don't understand. I'm incredibly close to my son who is nine. If you should ever is on his back on me, which I hope to God he doesn't, I don't think a single day would go past when I wouldn't try to bring him back into my life. And I cannot think of a single thing he could do which would make me stop loving him.

Where do I go from here? Should I just give up? Accept that it's just gonna be this way? I admit I may be projecting slightly. The lack of a good relationship with my dad in my life has been something that has always made me feel sad. I didn't want that for her.

I know some people have gained from this that my husband showed strong preference for his sons and his daughter but he really didn't, if anything they were closer than the boys.

I spoke to my mum about it today. She thinks that it's the hurt speaking and that he doesn't really feel this way about her. I don't know what to think.

You could be writing about my XH, @hotstepper4

I don't know if you've taken in my posts (no reason why you would, of all the many replies you have had) - but he did exactly the same when my DSD cut him out of her life. She was 15, so slightly older. He made no effort to contact her, on the grounds that he was too hurt. He used to say that if she rang him from Australia to say that she needed his help, he would give it - but meanwhile, it was just "too hurtful" to him (to him, note) to keep on being rejected.

I repeat that it turned out that he had done something to her when she was younger. I discovered this about 15 years after the event, when he tried to do the same to our DD.

I left him at that point.

I'm not saying your DH has done anything like this, but the behaviour pattern rings unpleasant bells.

I still think you all need input from a professional. It would be a bit shocking in itself if DSD's actual parents weren't both willing to engage with this.

@PlayOn thank you.

I know to some people I sound like enabler but I am not. I have suffered and witnessed abuse. I have cut people out of my own life for various forms of abuse.

My husband is NOT an abuser. What he is is weak. His attitude is pathetic and I have told him this. To be honest this evening I'm so angry with him I've left him downstairs and gone to bed. To him, the thought of taking on my stepdaughter and her mum, trying to arrange something, to sort this out, is worse than just leaving it and pretending he doesn't have a daughter. To him that's the easiest option. I've tried to explain to him that having good things in life doesn't come easy and that he must fight for his daughter. However tonight I'm tired of it.

Well, maybe he is weak. Maybe he is upset. Maybe his behaviour comes from that. But if you look at it from the perspective of its effect on her, by not communicating that he loves her and not being the adult who allows her to be horrible but lives her still he is emotionally abusing her whatever you think about the physical or sexual abuse.

If your son said he'd abused him you might not believe it but you would act as if you did. It is always safer to act as if you believe a person who's reporting abuse because the consequences for the abused person of not being listened to are so severe. I know that will throw a bomb in your marriage but quite honestly in your position I would have difficulty staying with this guy anyway. He is letting his daughter down badly.

You sound like a lovely person by the way. I'm not pretending it's easy.

You sound lovely, your husband sounds pathetic and I don't think there is any way I could find myself attracted to someone so self pitying. Do you realise you are missing her more than her dad is? What does it say about him that you want to fight for her but he doesn't.

As a step mum it would be so easy for you to support him in cutting her off, you are to good for him.

He said he feels nothing towards her, and was not interested in reconciliation. I asked him if he loved her. He said he didn't know anymore

Two takeaways:

1. STOP. No more texting from DH’s phone. You are at real risk of damaging their relationship further now, even if the intentions are good.

1. Think very carefully about his ability to detach and leave. I get the impression your DH is lovely and adoring on his terms but when shit gets difficult he’s out of there.

To roll out a quote that is used again and again on here (and usually rightly so)

When someone tells you who they really are, listen.

My Dh has honestly definitely never sexually abused her. He wouldn't do that in a million years. I'm married to him. I've known him for 7 years. Trust me when I say this.

She's known him 11 years - why don't you trust her?

The thing is emotional pain can hurt physically, she may just not at the time been able to express the pain she felt. His words and actions are hurtful to you now as an adult they will have hurt her as well In the past. He seems closer to his sons and probably closer to your son. She is in pain and he has hurt her even if he hasn’t touched her.