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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not tell DH about inheritance

242 replies

ClosedAuraOpenMind · 01/06/2020 22:11

so I know I probably ABU here...

found out today I'm due a small inheritance from DGF, which was surprising. £11k so nice but not life changing

I could probably use the cash to pay off some credit card debt, which is at a stupidly high interest rate, then we (me, DH and DD) could probably have a nice holiday, most likely next year I guess

but things with DH haven't been great through lockdown...

we're both key workers, but while I've been wfh and trying to coax a v reluctant DD to do some homeschooling, and countless other household tasks, he's been going out to work as normal, and I've had no support from him. in fact he often makes my like worse, arguing and antagonising DD about schoolwork, then going out to work leaving me trying to do my crazy busy full time job with a hysterical child

I've told myself I won't make any rash decisions during lockdown, and will see what happens at the end of it - although who knows when that would be

so, given I have no savings of my own, if I were to leave the £11k would come in handy, and could really help me and DD...

so WIBU to open a bank account, put the money in it, and not tell him?

OP posts:
RB68 · 03/06/2020 11:14

I think I would find someone I trust to "look after it" or maybe leave it with the solicitors for a bit till you are out

BumbleBeee69 · 03/06/2020 13:46

I think I would find someone I trust to "look after it"

do NOT do this.. ever

getherout34 · 26/07/2020 22:35

Am totally shocked at this thread , if this was a woman on saying her husband had hid an inheritance from her you'd all be going mad and you are telling her to lie to him. How hypocritical.

getherout34 · 26/07/2020 22:38

''But when men get in heritances, it's 'family' money. Antother example of MN hypocrisy.''

This.

Sugartitties · 26/07/2020 22:40

only on mumsnet does the wife get to keep the money a secret, but god help any husband that bought so much as a packet of chewing gum without permission

getherout34 · 26/07/2020 22:41

''If my DH did this is leave him. It's a betrayal and it would feel as though he's keeping it from me to use as a back up plan. That said, it's your money so..''

Actually anything acquired after marriage is legally THEIR money and you wouldn't say this if it were a man.

getherout34 · 26/07/2020 22:42

Thank you, this has to be 1 of the most shocking threads I've read on mn and people wonder why mn is criticised for misandry and being sexist? The Daily mail have a field day with this thread.

minimummum · 26/07/2020 22:44

I am sure inherited money is not counted if you split.

getherout34 · 26/07/2020 22:49

My mum's solicitor told her otherwise- that anything acquired during marriage is generally 50/50 and I googled it ''Generally in divorce settlements in England and Wales all assets of the marriage are pooled and treated as joint assets. Money or property that you've inherited are not automatically excluded from the assets to be divided.''

But I am truly horrified by the attitudes on this thread. On a website in which women fight for equality and go ballistic if a man isn't doing his share etc in the house then this thread stinks of hypocrisy and shows a very ugly side to women. They are basically telling her to screw her husband over.

IgiveupallthenamesIwantedareg0 · 26/07/2020 22:54

Bunker the money somewhere safe and wait until things have calmed down and you know better what you want to do with your future.

ButteryPuffin · 26/07/2020 22:58

Pay off your credit card debt at least. That's a no brainer.

YouUnlockedTheGateAnd · 26/07/2020 23:15

All you saying if a man did this...

Id agree if things were equal between men and women in society. But we,know statistically that more women are trapped financially in marriages than men are. In General, Men out earn women. Women are more,likley to have caring responsibilities that will limit their earning potential for a great many years.

So it isn’t a helpful comparison. A man is very much less likely to need a running away fund than a woman.

I know that isn’t always the case. I out earn DH by quite a margin, he also has caring responsibilities, and health problems limiting his earning potential. If I was an arsehole, it would be quite easy for me to be financially abusive to him. So I would say morally I should share any windfalls, and give him the option to ringfence his. Because it is easier for me to get more money than it is for him.

That’s the difference.

YouUnlockedTheGateAnd · 26/07/2020 23:17

My mum's solicitor told her otherwise- that anything acquired during marriage is generally 50/50 and I googled it ''Generally in divorce settlements in England and Wales all assets of the marriage are pooled and treated as joint assets. Money or property that you've inherited are not automatically excluded from the assets to be divided.''

DID YOU CANCEL THE CHEQUE OP??

The OP said quite while back that she was in Scotland.

L0bstersLass · 26/07/2020 23:21

I would advise you not to tell him.
I know £11k is a lot of money, but it's not as if it's £100k. Then my advice would be different.

I recommend you pay of your credit card, especially if your husband will not notice this. Then put the rest in a savings account out of the way. You can decide what to do with it another day.

getherout34 · 26/07/2020 23:21

''Id agree if things were equal between men and women in society. But we,know statistically that more women are trapped financially in marriages than men are. In General, Men out earn women. Women are more,likley to have caring responsibilities that will limit their earning potential for a great many years. ''

but this is not about society-it is about the op and in her situation she said they are both key workers so we should work on that and not propel it into a man hating fiasco. The woman is not a SAHM who fears her millionaire husband is about to do a runner.

''So it isn’t a helpful comparison. A man is very much less likely to need a running away fund than a woman.''

Men cannot just run out on their wives, in a divorce everything must be proclaimed legally and split as appropriately.

getherout34 · 26/07/2020 23:23

''All you saying if a man did this...

Id agree if things were equal between men and women in society''

And if that is your argument frame then it's fair game for men to do all the 'men' things they get called on here and use that excuse.

saleorbouy · 26/07/2020 23:29

So all you squirrel it away people would be happy if your partner did the same? I don't think so! You are all a bit two faced here. What mine is mine and what's his is mine, don't you just love equality.

SleepingStandingUp · 26/07/2020 23:53

Pay off the debt, or at least all that you can't transfer to 0% and then put the rest in the bank. When you leave, you'll have money to help you set up which will likely be absorbed by living costs before you apply for a divorce.

SleepingStandingUp · 26/07/2020 23:55

@saleorbouy

So all you squirrel it away people would be happy if your partner did the same? I don't think so! You are all a bit two faced here. What mine is mine and what's his is mine, don't you just love equality.
The difference if my DH did it to the OP doing it is i'm not seemingly emotionally abusive to my child. What kind of parent antagonizes his kid till she's hysterical and then saunters out to work knowing their partner will have to sort it whilst also working full time? If i did that, then i'd deserve it if my DH had an escape fund
TibetanTerrier · 27/07/2020 00:04

An inheritance is not automatically included in the joint assets during divorce.
www.divorce.co.uk/your-finances/inheritance

getherout34 · 27/07/2020 00:10

''An inheritance is not automatically included in the joint assets during divorce.''

which is what I said word for words a few posts ago but that's not relevant really- 'automatically' is an open term here and eitherway the couple both should know if inheritance is given as it is NOT his/her money, it is THEIRS. If the court decides to oppose that they can but until that then it is theirs.

RB68 · 27/07/2020 00:18

Sorry but I have seen too many women be straight up and declare stuff and then get shafted by court, by csa and by their ex's sometimes it has to be about no 1. There was another just today on here - he had swiped all the money out of the kids accounts and transferred to a foreign account - not yet declared...where is hiding it basically and what else has he hidden there. Men are happy enough to leave women without their fair share of assets and to hide behind directorships and cash in hand jobs - sometimes you have to play dirty

Vinoonasunnyday · 27/07/2020 00:26

My friend did exactly this and hid it

When her dh found out they divorced anyway as he was disgusted

He got half in divorce

This is plain wrong

MadameMeursault · 27/07/2020 00:30

@IAmReportingYouForBBQing

Get the cheque written into your daughters name and put it in her account. Then he can't touch it. Is yours to start again with
Seriously don’t do this. It’s incredibly bad advice. If he can’t touch it then neither can you. If you can touch it then so can he.
MiddlesexGirl · 27/07/2020 00:40

You've got more chance of keeping it for you if you put it in a separate account and don't use it for anything that might be considered joint expenditure.

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