to not tell DH about inheritance

[ClosedAuraOpenMind]

so I know I probably ABU here...

found out today I'm due a small inheritance from DGF, which was surprising. £11k so nice but not life changing

I could probably use the cash to pay off some credit card debt, which is at a stupidly high interest rate, then we (me, DH and DD) could probably have a nice holiday, most likely next year I guess

but things with DH haven't been great through lockdown...

we're both key workers, but while I've been wfh and trying to coax a v reluctant DD to do some homeschooling, and countless other household tasks, he's been going out to work as normal, and I've had no support from him. in fact he often makes my like worse, arguing and antagonising DD about schoolwork, then going out to work leaving me trying to do my crazy busy full time job with a hysterical child

I've told myself I won't make any rash decisions during lockdown, and will see what happens at the end of it - although who knows when that would be

so, given I have no savings of my own, if I were to leave the £11k would come in handy, and could really help me and DD...

so WIBU to open a bank account, put the money in it, and not tell him?

The more you post, the more I think you should pay the debt and save the rest for an escape fund. And not tell him. He doesnt deserve it. He didnt support your when your dgf passed on so he shouldnt benefit from it at all.

Where did she say she was leaving him?? I didn’t see that at all, only that it’s been difficult with him during lockdown and no idea when lockdown will end. She said about going on holiday with him, not leaving him.

As you say he won't be aware of the legacy if you repay the credit card debt, my priorities would be:

Repay credit card debt
Get legal Advice - about this money, division of assets on divorce, the divorce.
Premium bonds or personal quick access savings account

Assuming that you separate before you divorce, by the time you've paid a deposit, a months rent up front moving costs and furniture, there probably won't be a great deal of residual savings left, whether a joint or solo asset.

And still find out what you can about the worth of your husbands business.

Get the cheque written into your daughters name and put it in her account. Then he can't touch it. Is yours to start again with

No, then it would be OP’s daughter’s and she couldn’t use it to start again.

@Emmy2020 it’s clear from the OP. She doesn’t say, “I am leaving him” she describes that her relationship is unhappy but she doesn’t want to make a rash decision during lockdown. That’s like a Y6 SATs reading comprehension! “what evidence is there in the text that the OP is considering leaving?”

I would always say that a woman should have some money of her own tucked away somewhere in case of an emergency. So many women get stuck in bad relationships with no route of escape because they have no money. Being financially screwed is bad.

Stick it into a secret account and tell nobody. Your husband would not care that you had no money if you got divorced.

I have no idea about the law on this but fact he couldnt be assed attending your dgf funeral, in my view, he morally has no right to a share of the money

The thing is, if you do eventually decide to leave then the divorce won’t be instant. If you need to rent somewhere else for example, pay a deposit, living and childcare costs for a few months, maybe you need a new car if yours is currently shared or whatever - then this money will be used by the time you get to dividing up assets surely?

So if you do think leaving is a possibility at some point, and think you’ll need the money to help facilitate that and/or you’d be trapped in an unhappy situation without it then by all means keep it separate - pay the debts off first of course.

If you think you’re more inclined to try and work things out with your husband (although he does sound awful) then you’re going to have to tell him at some point.

Imagine if this was a bloke saying this on here, he’d get loads of people saying he was being unreasonable. Just for that reason, YABU.

It could be quite some time before you have the cash so plenty time to think options through

Where this would feature in a divorce settlement is pretty much irrelevant since it is likely to be spent before then on housing set up costs or repaying debt.

thedancingbear, if you think they do, then you really have skewed view. Kind a sad, tbh. Some of the posters are like that, maybe, but most are level headed, I think. At least to me, I don't think it makes any difference if the OP is male or female.

Tbh this was a big indicator to me that I wanted a divorce. I know one day I'll have an inheritance and I equally knew I didn't trust him with it.

However, you've been married a long time and it's Lockdown so your feelings will probably recover. I'd see if the executor could slow down and 'un know' the information for as long as possible.

Men marry for love ,women marry for money. Before this post I thought that was rubbish . Majority of posters prove its right,how sad.

OP,
If you leave your husband and take your daughter with you, ýour priority will be to provide stability for her.

This will be down to you no doubt.

Keeping that money as a get away fund is a no brainer.

@Ellisandra Alright calm down. I’m not really bothered. I just said it doesn’t say that. I thought any rash decisions were about hiding the money from him not about leaving him. I didn’t really read the whole thread I was just asking. If she wants to leave him why on earth is she thinking about going on holiday with him then, surely that’s the last thing she should do. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Men and women get different advice on here because they get treated and experience the world differently. When housework and caring, rates of domestic abuse and stalking, earnings, etc are equal, maybe men will get the same advice.

Why don't you just tell him you've got it, and that you're going to use it pay off your debt and have a family holiday. It's honest and you're still doing what you want to do with it.

Why don't you just tell him you've got it, and that you're going to use it pay off your debt and have a family holiday. It's honest and you're still doing what you want to do with it.

^ I agree. This is the only option if you have any respect for your marriage.

I don’t think you are unreasonable but your marriage is over. This wouldn’t happen in a happy functioning relationship.

I don't agree with this. If your marriage is rocky, some running away money in the bank (or wherever) puts you in a position to decide what you actually want. Being broke in a rocky relationship can make you feel that you can't afford to leave, or not yet, and means decisions to stay aren't freely made. Knowing it's there if you need a rent deposit, for instance, means that if you do decide to stay and work on your marriage it will be a positive choice. Lots of marriages have bad patches and go on to become more solid, happy and functioning, but an essential part of that process is not to feel that you're trapped and have no choice but to make it work.

Do you really think MN are so biased if the op was the husband, he got different responces? I don't believe so, at all.

If the op were the husband stuck at home juggling wfh all the childcare and all the housework while the wife went to work whenever contributed little and was generally an asshole , and it was clear that ongoing childcare /full time parenting, the cost and the associated cost in career impact and income would continue to be born by the op then absolutely. There has been the odd thread with a hard done by husband who have been given great advice to look after themselves and the children and get this woman out their life.

@riotlady

Men and women get different advice on here because they get treated and experience the world differently. When housework and caring, rates of domestic abuse and stalking, earnings, etc are equal, maybe men will get the same advice.

Well here is a chance for equal earnings , and you fell at the first fence.

Men and women get different advice on here because they get treated and experience the world differently. When housework and caring, rates of domestic abuse and stalking, earnings, etc are equal, maybe men will get the same advice.

I agree, and I think it is a good thing, on balance: there's hardly anywhere else that's pro-women.

However it does the OP no favours to deny it is the case. I'm also uncomfortable when the 'pro-woman' advice comprises potentially committing criminal fraud and/or contempt of court.

If the OP does decide to conceal the funds, she needs to be fucking sure it's justified, legally, ethically and practically.

Pay off joint debts. Bank the rest. Tell him that's what you're doing.