to not tell DH about inheritance

[ClosedAuraOpenMind]

so I know I probably ABU here...

found out today I'm due a small inheritance from DGF, which was surprising. £11k so nice but not life changing

I could probably use the cash to pay off some credit card debt, which is at a stupidly high interest rate, then we (me, DH and DD) could probably have a nice holiday, most likely next year I guess

but things with DH haven't been great through lockdown...

we're both key workers, but while I've been wfh and trying to coax a v reluctant DD to do some homeschooling, and countless other household tasks, he's been going out to work as normal, and I've had no support from him. in fact he often makes my like worse, arguing and antagonising DD about schoolwork, then going out to work leaving me trying to do my crazy busy full time job with a hysterical child

I've told myself I won't make any rash decisions during lockdown, and will see what happens at the end of it - although who knows when that would be

so, given I have no savings of my own, if I were to leave the £11k would come in handy, and could really help me and DD...

so WIBU to open a bank account, put the money in it, and not tell him?

Honestly I think you'd be a complete idiot to try and hide it, and you'd deserve everything coming to you in a divorce once you're caught. The same as I'd feel if a man was hiding money in a divorce. The chances are, you'll be caught.

You're thinking about hiding it from him, so your marriage is effectively over anyway. You don't want to try and fix it or you'd tell him. That's fine, you don't have to fix it, but is leaving yourself in debt, with what you owe on the credit card and mortgage,with only one income to try and pay it off, worth it?

Minimise your debt. Get rid of the credit card debt. Save the rest. You could try a holiday to save your marriage if you want, or just use it as one last family outing for your daughter. But don't hide it.

I did it - I got a reasonable amount of money and hid it. Given my ex was a high earner and was also pretty stingy (also had double the amount in his own, personal savings) I kept quiet. We also weren’t married so I knew he wouldn’t find out in a divorce or anything.
So I kept it to myself and we separated about 6 months later. Given that we have 2 kids - I’m glad I did.

Men and women get different advice on here because they get treated and experience the world differently. When housework and caring, rates of domestic abuse and stalking, earnings, etc are equal, maybe men will get the same advice

But the consensus with what people say to men vs women over money, marriage, divorce etc is the same even when people don't know about relative financial situations or it's the woman who's got the most to lose.

For example, I am a woman with a long term male DP that I'm not married to. I've lost count of the amount of times that I've been told that I need to 'protect myself' by getting married or even given advice on how to trick him into marriage .

And that's despite me earning at least twice as much as he does throughout most of our relationship, me having a decent final salary pension, while he has very little except the state pension and me having my own savings and investments mainly because I'm a saver and he's a spender (seriously, I would no idea what to do with the amount of money that man gets through).

The reasons we aren't married aren't really financial, but I am fully aware that I'm not the one that needs financially protecting in our relationship.

There's literally an opposite thread somewhere to this where a woman just found a man had stashed inheritance in an account with his brother. The Mumsnet judge and jury decided he should be hung drawn and quartered of course, as its 'family money'

Your marriage is shaky. That is what is at the root of your dilemma.

You may have to leave. You would need a deposit, essential furnishings etc in that scenario. Having access to cash would allow you to leave. Not having it could trap you with him.

If it were me, I would not mention the inheritance and would put it in an account in my sole name. It would be there as a safety net. I'd pay down some of the credit card debt, but not to the extent that what was left would not allow me to leave. Knowing you have the means to leave - that you have a choice - takes a great deal of the stress out of any situation. Feeling trapped just ensures an unhappy life for you, your daughter, and even your husband.

Knowing you could leave at a moment's notice allows you the freedom to address the problem of his behaviour. You don't have to worry that it will make it worse for you because it can't, you'll leave. You don't have to worry that he will retaliate in some way because you'll leave and take yourself out of harm's way. In some ways, being able to leave allows you to stay - on your terms.

Should your marriage end in divorce, that would be the time to declare your inheritance. Once that cash has been spent providing for you and your daughter. Maybe your share of the house sale would be reduced to take account of it, I don't know, I know nothing of the law in this area. But what I do know is that having instant access to a sum that would buy you your independence, at the time it is needed, would be well worth a reduced share at a later date.

I'm just imagining the responses on here if a man was suggesting squirrelling away 11k...

Wow. Replies on here are next level and not representative to what would be said if it were your husband on this forum looking for escape route.

You are hiding assets. Or if put in your daughter's name committing fraud.

I'll bust out a loved mumsnet phrase " your married so its family money"

If you are in a partnership and that partnership turns sour your former partner is now your opponent and it makes sense to do what you can to look after your own interests
Do you choose to play fair or do you choose to play dirty?
Probably the decision will depend upon the behaviour of the other person?

I would not mention the inheritance and would put it in an account in my sole name. (From WhereYouLeftIt's post)

If you do this OP, ensure it's with a different bank to the one(s) you currently use so there's no danger of an error being made and your husband knowing about it before you are ready.

YANBU, OP. I am also planning to leave DH and will not be telling him about my savings. I will sort the divorce so he won’t find out about them.

He earns more and my lawyer has said I should go for his pension and more of the house but I will be half with half the house and my savings.

*will be happy with

Every women should have a 'running away' fund.

Every person who's in the partnership where things aren't fair should be aware that in a split things will be even less fair are unless they take evasive action

If you don't want him to have any claim on your inheritance then don't put it into a joint account of any kind or spend it on marital/joint stuff like the house, holidays/furnishings etc.

Every women should have a 'running away' fund

Everyone should have a running away fund

Everyone should have a running away fund.

Most men do as they are, usually, the higher earners and without the same caring responsibilities as women. Not in all cases, sure, but the majority.

@Ellisandra ‘Just because you don’t want something done to you, doesn’t mean you can’t do it yourself 🤷🏻‍♀️‘

Wow. Just... wow. I’m very glad that I don’t know you!

This thread has lost the plot.
Inheritance is completely different from assets built together as a team during the marriage - it’s a last gift from a lost loved one.
The posts saying “if you keep your DGFs money from your DH then he is justified in withholding maintenance from his own child” - what the fuck???
🤯

The thread does rather seem to have lost sight of what the donor might have wanted. Not attending his funeral is rather suggestive! I once received an inheritance. Before deciding what to do with it, I thought about what the grandparent concerned might have wanted. I didn't consult my DH as they weren't his grandparents and he didn't even ever meet my DGF, the source of the funds. I did ultimately spend it in ways that benefitted DH too but I didn't feel I had to.

If I were you I'd start by discreetly finding out the likely timescale. Probate takes ages.

@ClosedAuraOpenMind just letting you know that this post has been used as an article on the Kidspot website..it popped up on my newsfeed and looked strangely familiar. :-/

I would not tell him.,

sigh @Cactusmum
but it seems not to be anyway. for reasons I won't go into if this thread is being made more widely public

yes id be more cautious and let it be. good luck with it all.

You should definitely pay off ALL your credit card debt. That will leave you free to save up the money you were using to pay it off!
Anything left, account on your name, not only in case of a divorce, but so you can track what you spend it on. Money on the joint account just disappears!