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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not tell DH about inheritance

242 replies

ClosedAuraOpenMind · 01/06/2020 22:11

so I know I probably ABU here...

found out today I'm due a small inheritance from DGF, which was surprising. £11k so nice but not life changing

I could probably use the cash to pay off some credit card debt, which is at a stupidly high interest rate, then we (me, DH and DD) could probably have a nice holiday, most likely next year I guess

but things with DH haven't been great through lockdown...

we're both key workers, but while I've been wfh and trying to coax a v reluctant DD to do some homeschooling, and countless other household tasks, he's been going out to work as normal, and I've had no support from him. in fact he often makes my like worse, arguing and antagonising DD about schoolwork, then going out to work leaving me trying to do my crazy busy full time job with a hysterical child

I've told myself I won't make any rash decisions during lockdown, and will see what happens at the end of it - although who knows when that would be

so, given I have no savings of my own, if I were to leave the £11k would come in handy, and could really help me and DD...

so WIBU to open a bank account, put the money in it, and not tell him?

OP posts:
dontdisturbmenow · 02/06/2020 06:54

You do what you want. If you are seriously considering leaving the marriage, it might not be a bad thing to have done funds to allow 6iubto do that but... don't act all indignant when he does the same in return, ie. Manipulate his books to lower maintenance or something similar. If you are prepared to recurve someone, accept that it is fair play for all.

Hollyhead · 02/06/2020 07:08

I don't think it's decietful to squirrel it away, especially as after you've cleared your debts it will 'only' be 6k. You can have it as a safety net, or if things pick up a holiday.

SteelyPanther · 02/06/2020 07:09

If you’re going to divorce you will have to declare all finances for the last 12 months. Therefore do not put it in account with your name on it.

Deathraystare · 02/06/2020 07:33

I’d keep it as an escape fund in your position

Also known as F* off money. Even my mum squirreled some away. She was no feminist. Mind you, the money was mostly used on repairing the roof, but at least she saved it up. Dad was like me, not good with money!

Scotinengland76 · 02/06/2020 07:38

Completely wrong and going by the many threads where men get called all sorts for hiding assets, it’s surprising that people agree with you.

It’s not an escape fund, it’s hiding assets.

Typohere · 02/06/2020 07:44

This is the same as men hiding assets before splitting up so any advice given to a man should be the same for a woman....

It won't be though. If a man did this he would be a ba**d but a woman doing it (to some) is perfectly acceptable. Double standards.

lifestooshort123 · 02/06/2020 07:45

Pay off your credit card (you've then got credit in case of emergencies) and put the remaining 6k in premium bonds in your name - your capital stays safe and interest rates are so low you might do better. Tell your husband about the inheritance and what you intend to do with the money. 6k is not enough to be worrying about if you split tbh but could be back in your bank account within days if you decided to temporarily separate. I was in the same position a few years back and as MOH is dreadful with money I didn't tell him the actual amount. I gave him a lump (which soon vanished), paid off our debts and tied the rest up in fixed-rate bonds - he never knows when they mature! The interest goes in our general living pot.

Disfordarkchocolate · 02/06/2020 07:46

I'd ask not to have the money paid to me for a while if not possible.

You need a serious talk. If he doesn't change the lack of respect he has shown you during the lock down would be a deal breaker for me. This is the sort of behaviour that led to my divorce, the lack of respect showed just how little of a priority I was to him.

lifestooshort123 · 02/06/2020 07:46

Oh, and I put some in premium bonds for emergencies - again, he doesn't know the amount.

HairyToity · 02/06/2020 07:47

I would not tell your husband full amount, so clear debt, and then hide the rest.

Sassanacs · 02/06/2020 07:49

Keep schtum, I would

BumpBundle · 02/06/2020 07:50

YABU. Pay off your credit card and if you decide you want to leave then pay for your leaving costs on your credit card. You'd have to declare the money in a divorce anyway and courts don't look kindly on secret bank accounts in my experience.

AmIAWeed · 02/06/2020 07:54

I'd pay off the credit card, then whatever was being payed on my card I'd save - that way you do away with the interest and you aren't left with 'just' £6k
It also means as and when lockdown ends and you're able to make a sensible decision on what to do about your marriage you can and potentially with more than £6k saved.
My husband and I keep our money very separate. The bills are 50/50 everything else I genuinely don't care so I can't advise there.

B0bbin · 02/06/2020 07:58

YANBU.

Redolent · 02/06/2020 08:05

We’re about to enter one of the worst recessions in history. You absolutely must clear as much debt as possible. That’s one of the most prudent things to do right now.

Eckhart · 02/06/2020 08:06

I think you're making this decision impossible for yourself. You're taking out a vital part of the equation (divorce/no divorce)

Do you have the inheritance money? If you have to wait a while for it, use that time to decide on the future of your relationship. Once that's done, it'll be much easier to decide about the money. And get some legal advice, there's a lot of bad/illegal advice on this thread, and I'm no expert, I just had a bit of a google about the issue!

nicelyneurotic · 02/06/2020 08:08

Everyone needs a running away fund. You may need that money for solicitors fees.

Although you should declare it on the form, they are unlikely to check. So dont worry too much.

Dont kid yourself that he will declare everything either. They rarely do. Or earnings going forward for child maintenance. Get as much as you can in the divorce and hire a great solicitor.

sunflowersandtulips50 · 02/06/2020 08:10

My OH inherited a similar amount and it had nothing to do with me. I didn't view it as mine.

mortforya · 02/06/2020 08:14

Is this actually a wind up? Is this the norm in the UK? I cannot believe that posters here agree with the op being reasonsable. Does anybody work on their marriages anymore?! Seriously, you are talking about normal life for alot of people going through this lockdown, yes our OH's may be driving us mad, not pulling their weight etc, but these are unusual times and people's moods are varying as they try to cope. But besides all of that, nothing you have mentioned should have you even thinking of leaving, yes maybe, you are thinking along the lines of marriage counselling or better communication but come on, leaving him 😳 Does marriage mean nothing to you, do you not think how many people would be hurt by your decision. By all means leave if it really is the last option and you both have exhausted all ways of working at it but please cop on, think of your child at least and try to pu an effort into saving your marriage 🙄

Ifionlyhadahorse · 02/06/2020 08:16

Surprised at the number of people saying hide the money. How would you feel if it was the other way round ?

TomPinch · 02/06/2020 08:17

I'm intrigued that there are people here advocating what could potentially be fraud or/and contempt of court.

thedancingbear · 02/06/2020 08:17

Dont kid yourself that he will declare everything either. They rarely do. Or earnings going forward for child maintenance. Get as much as you can in the divorce and hire a great solicitor.

You can look at this both ways though. Given that he's self-employed, then the OP deliberately misdeclaring - and getting caught - would be setting her up for a whole world of shit going forward. She will have lost any moral high ground and her OH may (rightly?) feel justified in doing whatever the fuck he wants. And he would be in a very good position to get away with it.

PurBal · 02/06/2020 08:19

If you do plan on leaving then I see no reason to tell him. But if you plan to stay then keeping it from him could backfire. I think it depends on your next move. Also, has probate happened yet? It could take months.

Somewhereinthesky · 02/06/2020 08:24

AlternativePerspective, but it does depend on how they came to have extra money. II don't think the person is male or female doesn't really matter. Do you really think MN are so biased if the op was the husband, he got different responces? I don't believe so, at all.

thedancingbear · 02/06/2020 08:24

Do you really think MN are so biased if the op was the husband, he got different responces? I don't believe so, at all.

lol

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