to not tell DH about inheritance

[ClosedAuraOpenMind]

so I know I probably ABU here...

found out today I'm due a small inheritance from DGF, which was surprising. £11k so nice but not life changing

I could probably use the cash to pay off some credit card debt, which is at a stupidly high interest rate, then we (me, DH and DD) could probably have a nice holiday, most likely next year I guess

but things with DH haven't been great through lockdown...

we're both key workers, but while I've been wfh and trying to coax a v reluctant DD to do some homeschooling, and countless other household tasks, he's been going out to work as normal, and I've had no support from him. in fact he often makes my like worse, arguing and antagonising DD about schoolwork, then going out to work leaving me trying to do my crazy busy full time job with a hysterical child

I've told myself I won't make any rash decisions during lockdown, and will see what happens at the end of it - although who knows when that would be

so, given I have no savings of my own, if I were to leave the £11k would come in handy, and could really help me and DD...

so WIBU to open a bank account, put the money in it, and not tell him?

Open an ISA for DD. If he finds out say dgf left it to her or some sort of such.
Your relationship sounds pretty over anyway so DD will need it in the future.

I agree with keeping it 'out of sight' until you've decided about your marriage. It can become 'family money' if you decide to stay.

The inheritance was intended for YOU by the legator. If it had been intended for both of you, he/she would have provided for that in their will.

When I first read your title I thought it was a crappy thing to do to your husband but having read your post I think it would 100% be a very well thought out and reasonable thing to do.

Put it in savings and don't say a word.

I would value cash in hand more than clearing an old debt. I’m actually planning to borrow more off my house to have cash on hand. I’m perfectly happy to pay the repayments on it as having it means that if I lost my job I know I can comfortably pay mortgage and bills for a year, I want that cushion.

The only thing to add to this discussion is it would probably be fair to say to the dh that I’m thinking seriously about our marriage, I’m not sure it’s working for me. But I wouldn’t mention the inheritance and would open a new account for it.

I'd keep it from him, especially as he is self-employed. A lot of self-employed fathers get out of paying maintenance because they don't declare all their earnings. This might not apply to you but FYI.

Women should always have an escape fund, especially if they are the lower earner/SAHP.

Pay off the expensive CC debt, both of you are going to have to anyhow at some point.

This will also give both of you a bit of relief to know its another bill you are not going to have to find the minimum monthly payment for. This can only be positive for your relationship!

Pay the credit card debt. Do you have a war chest? Once the debt is paid start paying the equivalent of the payment into a family rainy day fund if you don't have one. Could it be in your name only as a risk mitigation strategy if DH's business goes under? Put left over from the original inheritance a savings account in your name for now make a decision to declare it to DH at a later date. Perhaps use some cash freed from the cc payments to couples counseling?

If my DH did this is leave him. It's a betrayal and it would feel as though he's keeping it from me to use as a back up plan. That said, it's your money so..

@Gallacia but OP is already struggling with DH. I do agree with you though.
OP I still think you should put it in an account for DD. Hopefully you can get the finances and marriage back on track.
If you don't access it later and if you do keep it for DD 😊

OP My suggestion would be to keep your inheritance to yourself for now and ensure the letter notifying you of it is kept somewhere secure, where your DH is unlikely to come across it.

Take legal advice as soon as you can and, whilst doing so, also ask the solicitor about what any separation/divorce/legal financial settlement would mean for you if you did decide to leave. Ensure, when you see the solicitor, that you take details of all financial details with you, so they can give you an accurate indication of how you'd stand financially , including any joint marital debt, if you decided to leave. Accurate knowledge is key.

There are so many threads on MN about wives/partners wanting to leave but trapped because they are often so financially disadvantaged. You have the opportunity here to ensure that the aftermath for you and your daughter leaving/getting divorced - if that's what you choose - are financially less painful, ie can get somewhere reasonable to live pretty quickly in an area suitable for the two of you, maybe with DD staying in the same school etc.

Think carefully before acting. Good luck to you.🌹

And yet again mn double standards abound.

If a woman posted here that she had found out her soon to be ex had a pot of money he hadn’t told her about while they still had credit card debts she would be told to take him to the cleaners.

But because it’s a woman it’s “your money/an escape fund/a girl should always have her own money.”

And tbh I can’t believe (well actually yes I can, this is mn,) that there are so many on here declaring the OP’s 24 year marriage to be over based on three months of lockdown.

If there is e.g. abuse or cheating etc then that’s one thing, but it’s unrealistic to expect to get to 24 years without going through some rough patches where you might be wondering if it’s all worth it.

And IMO it’s ridiculous to hold on to debt if you have the means to pay it off.

You've been together an awful long time so I'm glad you are not making any rash decisions based on this lockdown period however as a few pp have said the fact you are even considering not telling him says to me the relationship is dead in the water which is of course sad after such a long time building a life together.
People in happy marriages or relationships wouldnt consider this. I'd be devastated if my DH hid this as he would if I did. It has nothing to do with the money in my view, it just would speak volumes about my DH's mindset in how he viewed us/me

He maybe stressed but he most certainly shouldn’t be treating your daughter like this.
What’s his problem.
You need to think how he treats her at other times.
He sounds like he would have difficulties when she’s a teenager and she may get challenging.
Keep the money for you.
Pay off your debt - have they not increased credit card debt to 30% interest?
It was a gift to you.

Any inheritance will form part of your marital assets and be taken into account in a divorce. Unless you plan to hide it from your solicitor and the courts?

I thought inheritance was not considered marital asset but mixing /sharing it muddied the waters. I could be completely wrong though. I am no lawyer. You need to see one.

The courts really don’t like this - if you divorce and it came out that you hid the inheritance that would not be great.

If you are not a solicitor in this area please do not advise the op. Nomore that is incorrect.

I missed that you're in scotland. No idea if law different there about inheritances

YANBU at all. Think only of yourself and your DD.

If you’d husband inherited money would you see that as his money or a joint asset.

Ask the lawyers to put it into a trust with you as a discretionary beneficiary. You aren’t guaranteed to benefit.

But if legally it’s not held in your name it shouldn’t be part of marital assets.

I’ve dealt with similar for work. A clients daughter was named as discretionary beneficiary of a trust he set up but he made it clear she wasn’t to benefit until her divorce was finalised. And even then he wanted to wait for a year after to gift her money.

If you’re in uk there may be tax to pay on income if you put it into trust though. So check this out first.

Essentially. Get advice.

I left my ex last year. Keep your money as your fund for leaving in case you need it. I had to pay 3 months rent upfront and deposit x

I don't think you should conceal the money from your DH until and unless you've received proper advice that it is legal to do so. All the people telling you to stick it in an ISA 'for your daughter' when that's not how you intend the money to be used may well be advocating fraud.

But if you do go down this route, and you then split, be prepared for your DH to play hardball about marital assets. Also bear in mind that the cost difference in legal fees between an amicable split and a rancorous one could easily come to more than £11k.

If you’d husband inherited money would you see that as his money or a joint asset.

Well, obviously she would, and she would probably consider it hugely deceitful if he tried to hide it. But that's not the question being asked, is it?