Am I unusual to want to remain childfree?!

[C1239]

Just that really, I’m mid 30s, have two SS who are 8 and 10, I enjoy my relationship with them, I have been in their lives since they were 2 & 3. I enjoy spending family time with them but also love the times when it’s just my partner and I. I have never imagined having my own biological children yet people often comment that I ll regret this or if I enjoy being a stepmum why don’t I have my ‘own’.

Surely it’s ok to enjoy being a stepmum without wanting to be a biological mum 24/7?!

I find it a bit strange not to want children, although I can see the benefits and many of my best friends are child free by choice

So actually .... you don't find it all that strange?

"Meanwhile the childfree have few ties, can choose to study for well paid careers. Plenty of savings, a healthy pension, exotic holidays, the best of everything. "

I don't have or want children but posts like this piss me off. I don't have plenty of savings, or go on exotic holidays, or have "the best of everything". I live a very mundane and ordinary life; I just have the self awareness to realise that I'd be utterly miserable as a mother and do not want to inflict that on some poor soul who never asked for it.

It's almost like if you have the audacity to not have children then you have to justify it by leading some glamorous, jet set life style.

So many people who have children seem to think that people who don't are career minded and lead lives of carefree hedonism, endless holidays and pampering. Not all of us are/do.

Nope not unusual. Talking to my neighbour the other day and her oh doesn't want them and she wasn't sure but after hearing the screaming she's definitely fine without.

As am I. I like kids and adore my nieces and nephews. But I think mums have the patience of saints I really do. I don't think I could be that organised or patient.

Where do I sign up for this hedonistic wild life I'm supposed to be living please?

Even before the teenagers arrived ours was very much work, home, dinner, bed and repeat with the excitement maybe of support with friends occasionally, an odd weekend away....maybe a term time holiday if we were feeling decadent. We travelled a lot for work purposes for a few years but not glamorous locations and certainly not glamourous people (diplomatic service nuff said). We can't cope much with alcohol so hangovers are a definite thing of the past and, being civil servants, we never had the means for a jet setting lifestyle.....

Obviously we were doing being childfree wrong in some way?

Supper with friends I mean

My sister and three closest friends don’t want children. It’s not for everyone. Nothing wrong with knowing that. Better than having kids because you feel pressured then resenting them.

I’m childfree.

It’s not unusual at all. Although I often feel like the odd one out, as I don’t know anyone in my personal life who is childfree (that’s why I love threads like these, seeing all the like minded people).

I definitely think more couples are taking into consideration that having children is a choice. My grandma has told me before that she never wanted children, but did, because it was the done thing.

For me, it’s not about taking fancy holidays or having a high flying career, I just don’t want children. I have no interest in raising them or family life or being pregnant or any of that.

For anyone who’s always wanted kids and cannot imagine why others do not, think of your feelings but the opposite. I do not see the appeal of kids. Dating someone who wants kids is a dealbreaker. And I have never imagined myself as a parent.

@Sonichu agree with you totally. It's like there's this need to excuse women for being childfree by saying they're all high flying jet setters when in fact most people don't have extraordinary lives and aren't obliged to, and they certainly aren't obliged to just because they're not parents.

I'm very much a homebody. A child would ruin that for me.

No jet setting here

I may not have children but that doesn’t mean I don’t have responsibilities. I have a mortgage to pay, a job to hold down, elderly parents with ever-increasing care needs... I just don’t have the additional responsibilities of children. So no ultra-glamorous jet-set lifestyle for me. I mean, yes I have more disposable income and am not tied to a hold holidays etc etc but neither can I swan off to the states for 3 months or round the world for 6 months etc.

^school holidays...

Funnily enough the most career-minded women I know, very senior, big salaries, frequent business travel, long working hours etc all have children. So it shouldn't be assumed that the stereotype only concerns childfree women.

Perhaps my comment was a bit glib. I think often people try to talk themselves out of having children thinking they will regret all the things they think they will lose. It’s easy to say kids are difficult and I don’t want that and hard to explain the wonderful things you do gain, as you only really appreciate it with the experience itself. Even after the hardest day, we check on the little one before bed and all I can think is how much I love him.

I’ve experienced an attitude of “I just need another year to get my ducks in order and get a few experiences out the way”. That is good planning but it can also go on for a long time and someone might end up with hindsight thinking they should’ve started earlier. That’s my only regret, being older than I would’ve liked- but it wasn’t possible to be stable and have started sooner. For a long time I couldn’t even see myself having kids because there’s a popular script that you’re either Single and successful or a domestic drudge. I’m very happy I didn’t keep finding reasons to put it off another year.

So I don’t mean to imply people would regret having children. But that the fear of regretting it shouldn’t put someone off, because it’s very very likely completely unfounded. So don’t use it as an excuse.

I am curious as to why the OP would ask mums on mumsnet if she is BU to stay child free... seems like she might want her mind changed...

I am curious as to why the OP would ask mums on mumsnet if she is BU to stay child free... seems like she might want her mind changed...

You'd almost think no one ever talks about non mum topics on MN talk.

Also, your comments about regret are a moot point as the OP quite literally states that others are telling her she'll regret not having children. Not that she is scared of regretting that choice.

So I don’t mean to imply people would regret having children. But that the fear of regretting it shouldn’t put someone off, because it’s very very likely completely unfounded. So don’t use it as an excuse.

I would also say that if you are really not sure you want children you should not have them out of fear that you will regret it if you don't.

I think often people try to talk themselves out of having children thinking they will regret all the things they think they will lose

The thing is, for some of us, there's really no 'talking out of' required. It's not that we fear the bad bits of parenthood. Even the 'good' bits don't look that great. I spend plenty of time around parents and I never think to myself "Wow! That looks like a great life!" It simply doesn't appeal.

So I don’t mean to imply people would regret having children. But that the fear of regretting it shouldn’t put someone off, because it’s very very likely completely unfounded. So don’t use it as an excuse

Excuse? Why does anyone need an 'excuse' not to reproduce?

And the whole 'regret' thing is a red herring. Every time you make a decision, big or small, the possibility is there that you may come to regret it. You can only make decisions based on what you know and how you feel at the time. Worrying about 'regrets' is a bit pointless.

@acatcalledjohn yes there’s reddit, Facebook, Instagram, loads of places where the focus isn’t being a parent discussing things... what is your point?

@seren let’s agree to disagree then. My experience is not wrong to me, even if you want me to think it is because you can see the other side.

So I don’t mean to imply people would regret having children. But that the fear of regretting it shouldn’t put someone off, because it’s very very likely completely unfounded. So don’t use it as an excuse.

You’ve got that completely the wrong way round.
Serendipity has got it.

The thing is, for some of us, there's really no 'talking out of' required. It's not that we fear the bad bits of parenthood. Even the 'good' bits don't look that great. I spend plenty of time around parents and I never think to myself "Wow! That looks like a great life!" It simply doesn't appeal.

This. Exactly. People talk about all the upsides of having kids but that doesn’t attract me any more than the downsides.

Lol why are you on mumsnet then?

acatcalledjohn yes there’s reddit, Facebook, Instagram, loads of places where the focus isn’t being a parent discussing things... what is your point?

@littlejalapeno Eh?

So money matters is just for parents. Gardening is just for parents. Pets, property, DIY, Style & Beauty, all are topics only for parents to discuss on this forum.

There are plenty of non-parents who rather enjoy the eloquently sweary nature of Mumsnet.

Lol why are you on mumsnet then?

I predicted it on page 1, it arrived on page 1 and here we are with it again

Lol why are you on mumsnet then?

And...we're off!