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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I unusual to want to remain childfree?!

177 replies

C1239 · 01/06/2020 11:11

Just that really, I’m mid 30s, have two SS who are 8 and 10, I enjoy my relationship with them, I have been in their lives since they were 2 & 3. I enjoy spending family time with them but also love the times when it’s just my partner and I. I have never imagined having my own biological children yet people often comment that I ll regret this or if I enjoy being a stepmum why don’t I have my ‘own’.

Surely it’s ok to enjoy being a stepmum without wanting to be a biological mum 24/7?!

OP posts:
PollyPelargonium52 · 01/06/2020 14:01

It is a lifestyle choice issue. Child free women are often far more interesting as they have time for more me time more friendships and hobbies and interests. Many a parent is actually quite dull as we have very little time to be or remain interesting.

InDubiousBattle · 01/06/2020 14:04

JorisBonson. I typed that today. The Office of National Statistics has the % of women who haven't had dc by the age of 45 at 18%, I presume that 18% will include some women who want children but can't have them for whatever reason. So actively not wanting children is still quite uncommon, completely valid choice obviously but it's more common to want children.

Sparklesocks · 01/06/2020 14:06

I think the issue is some people have quite a limited view in that they see their vision of the world as the blueprint or ‘normal’, so anytime other people deviate from that then it’s hard for them to relate.
The fact is there are plenty of ‘normals’ and nobody’s experience is universal, so for some people they’ve always wanted kids and can’t imagine why others wouldn’t, whereas some people have never wanted kids and can’t see the appeal of those that do.

It’s all absolutely fine to live your life the way you choose, it only becomes an issue when you believe your way is the only way, and project that onto others.

SerenDippitty · 01/06/2020 14:07

@togglethis

Not unusual, but why you’d ask the question on a parenting site is a bit odd IMO.

Your choice, but in some cases people who don’t have children never really grow up IMO. You will no doubt violently disagree with me.

Lots of people who do have them never grow up either.
Heroicasymphony · 01/06/2020 14:14

@PollyPelargonium52 this kind of attitude is part of the problem, I think. I am 50 and while a lot of my similar age friends have children, a fair few don't and of course they will not now so they have been right through the years when it was potentially possible and come out the other side. I do know that they find it quite irritating, this idea that a childfree woman must have a great career and spend her spare time rescuing tortoises and going to royal premieres, as though that justifies the choice she has made. The majority of people live unremarkable lives whether or not they have children. It's almost putting pressure on really.

Also, the friends who are childless as opposed to childfree are only a few years from beginning to grieve the possibilities that end with the onset of menopause, that time when every woman's body becomes problematic and again they are in no mood to be told how fabulous their lives are.

Carpathian2 · 01/06/2020 14:26

My ds and DIL have decided they don't want children as they have careers and a nice lifestyle, all totally normal and their choice. However, DIL's mum can't understand why they don't want them and makes no secret of her disappointment, the fact that her daughter has worked so hard for her career and lifestyle seems to be lost on her. Her achievements are nothing compared to having babies in her mums eyes, and it's heartbreaking to see how all my DIL wants is her mum to be proud of her.

I really admire my DIL for sticking to her guns, she's worked hard for the life she's got and wants to enjoy it without the responsibility of children

BernardsarenotalwaysSaints · 01/06/2020 14:42

Your choice, but in some cases people who don’t have children never really grow up IMO. You will no doubt violently disagree with me

Lol. Read any thread about school gate cliques, then come back and tell me all parents are grown up

I 100% agree (& do school drop off/pick up incredibly quickly for this reason)

littlejalapeno · 01/06/2020 14:59

Do what you want OP, it’s literally your life.

Having children is hard work and changes you and your lifestyle forever. It can especially look hard from the outside and over the fence during lockdown. But I’ve felt so much love too, that’s also been life changing, and that’s harder to see from the outside too. I wouldn’t go back.

Likewise I have friends who have a great time being child free and know it’s the right choice for them - including DS godmother, who gets the cuddles but not the tantrums Grin and gets to have hangovers and can travel at the drop of a hat. Well pre Covid.

I feel like these kind of questions stir up resentment and defensiveness. No YANBU, but perhaps you already knew that?

Froq · 01/06/2020 15:19

Great post @20mum

RainMustFall · 01/06/2020 16:15

There appears to be a serious lack of imagination on this thread by those who think not being able or choosing not to have children somehow diminishes you.

Actually it's quite the reverse, some mothers subsume themselves into motherhood, they loose what they are and a lot will be bereft when their child leaves the nest, as it has been her raison d'être for the past eighteen years. There's a huge hole in her life and she has no idea how to fill it.

Meanwhile the childfree have few ties, can choose to study for well paid careers. Plenty of savings, a healthy pension, exotic holidays, the best of everything. Relationship break-ups are easy (albeit painful like any break-up). If they decide to break up, they are self sufficient financially and continue their lives pretty much the same.

It's is somewhat different for some women, (primarily if unmarried) who have children and are reliant on the man for money and a roof over their heads. If he's had enough, he kicks her and the children out of his home, she has no money of her own, and even if she works as a single mother, having been out of the job market for years, ends up with a minimum wage job so goes on benefits.

There are, of course, exceptions to both of the above scenarios but I have seen quite a few of both and from what I've read on here it seems a regular occurrence.

No doubt someone will find the exception and tell me I'm wrong.

sleepyhead · 01/06/2020 16:26

The majority of my female friends are childfree.

Maybe half of those went through a phase in their 30s of questioning whether it was what they wanted and of those a few made steps to investigate various possibilities before either settling for the status quo or finding out it wasn't going to happen for them.

Now we're in our 40s & 50s I think everyone's pretty happy with how things have turned out for the most part.

As a rule, we don't really talk about it as having or not having children isn't one of the top 5 interesting things about us as people really or why we're friends.

NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace · 01/06/2020 16:32

Your choice, but in some cases people who don’t have children never really grow up IMO. You will no doubt violently disagree with me.

Well I don't really need to grow up, do I? Limited responsibilities, see? It's a liberating life Grin

Igenixx · 01/06/2020 16:37

It is a lifestyle choice issue. Child free women are often far more interesting as they have time for more me time more friendships and hobbies and interests. Many a parent is actually quite dull as we have very little time to be or remain interesting.

Why can't we have a discussion about different lifestyles without it descending into, "We are better than you are"? I've also never read such a load of silly nonsense Hmm.

Battysace123 · 01/06/2020 16:53

This reply has been deleted

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Battysace123 · 01/06/2020 16:57

@20mum I should add INDIAN Hindu.

Heroicasymphony · 01/06/2020 17:17

@RainMustFall agree there is definitely a financial penalty attached to motherhood that doesn't exist for most fathers which is often difficult to see in the long view at the start of one's parenting journey when decisions are taken within limited perameters and with short term expediency in mind.

In a way that has been exacerbated by the type of financial help available to those with children ie wages top ups which allow for prolonged spells, often years, of part time low paid working. I don't think I know any mothers who don't work at all or who have no life outside of parenting, but I do know plenty who have found it just too onerous financially and practically to do much more than the 16 hours clock on clock off model and they can float on that while the UC or whatever is coming in. But then when the child is 16 suddenly household money falls off a cliff and their pension provision is next to non existent.

I do wish it were easier for women to continue to fulfill their earnings potential but there are many barriers to doing so and what social policy changes there have been over the last 20 years have done little to enable anything much other than being able to get a top up. It's like that old saying about "give a (wo)man a fish" etc.

Heroicasymphony · 01/06/2020 17:32

Just googled and the statistics seem to back me up: 75% of women with dependent children work (interestingly this is a higher figure than the number of men without dependent children who work!) but only 55% work full time.

C1239 · 01/06/2020 18:32

Great to hear everyone’s thoughts!

OP posts:
littlejalapeno · 01/06/2020 19:33

There’s risks with everything in life and no guarantees. I always thing it’s better to regret something you did than something you didn’t do.

madcatladyforever · 01/06/2020 19:35

No you aren't unusual, quite honestly I can't imagine why anyone wants kids.

NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace · 01/06/2020 19:46

I always thing it’s better to regret something you did than something you didn’t do.

So they say . But .... it rather depends on what it was that you did!

acatcalledjohn · 01/06/2020 19:50

I always thing it’s better to regret something you did than something you didn’t do.

It's better to have children and regret them then?

Hmm
TheWashingMachine · 01/06/2020 20:06

I find it a bit strange not to want children, although I can see the benefits and many of my best friends are child free by choice. However, I personally was consumed by an enormous "baby hunger" in my late 20s/early 30s. I think I told my DH on our first date that if he didn't want children, I wasn't wasting my time. I love them very much which is lucky.

sammylady37 · 01/06/2020 20:18

There’s risks with everything in life and no guarantees. I always thing it’s better to regret something you did than something you didn’t do

I think that’s fine when it applies to things like travel, jobs, maybe even relationships. But to apply it to having children is, IMO, utterly reckless. To bring someone into the world, have responsibility for them for 18 years, try to bring them up to be decent human beings, etc and just hope that you won’t regret it?

I would suggest that nobody should have children unless they’re very very sure they want them.

NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace · 01/06/2020 20:26

I would suggest that nobody should have children unless they’re very very sure they want them.

And there endeth the lesson Smile