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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Domestic violence

166 replies

Feelinglost01 · 31/05/2020 18:05

I've recently separated from my husband due to domestic violence. On a number of occasions, he punched, slapped and kicked me in several different places including the head and stomach.
Since having left, he has spoken to counsellors and psychiatrists briefly but wants me to go back home to support him to continue seeking help.
Am I wrong to want to see a change first?
He is adamant that time apart is damaging to our marriage but i fear going back for it to only continue. We share a child and I'm terrified of the impact it is having on them and the potential of them also getting hit.
Am i wrong for wanting to have a while to myself and not wanting to see him during this period even if i can't define the length of time i need?
Any help or advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:
Mistystar99 · 31/05/2020 18:06

Please don't go back.

Microwaveoven · 31/05/2020 18:07

Don't ever, ever, ever go back. Even if he begs and pleads and says he has changed. He beat you.
Don't ever go back.

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 31/05/2020 18:08

This might be better in the 'relationships' topic.

You're absolutely right to trust your instincts and stay safe.

Have you read 'why does he do that's by Lundy bancroft?

It helped me understand my ex putting on a show of wanting to change.

It's been over 8 years now and there is still no sign of actual change.

I now work in the area of preventing violence against women and honestly there is very little evidence that even dedicated perpetrator programmes work much if at all.

Wishforsnow · 31/05/2020 18:08

Don't go back

ExtraOnions · 31/05/2020 18:08

Don’t go back.

None of this is your fault

It’s not your job to fix him

He chose to damage your marriage the first time he chose to be violent

Look after yourself, look after your child

Dougalthesyrianhamster · 31/05/2020 18:09

WHY ON EARTH are you even contemplating allowing your child anywhere near this violent psychopath???? Shock

No, YANBU. Contact NCDV and have them arrange for a Non-Molestation Injunction (free via domestic abuse legal aid) which will keep him well away from you!

Thanks
SuperLoudPoppingAction · 31/05/2020 18:09

'Support him to continue seeking help' just sounds so manipulative.
He can turn himself into a decent human while washing his own pants and cooking his own dinners, purely because it's the right thing to do.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 31/05/2020 18:09

YANBU. People who abuse others might be capable of change - I honestly don't believe it, though. If he's changed, then he'l be able to form a positive, happy, respectful relationship. His opportunity to do that with you has passed and he actively chose to harm you. Please don't buy his special brand of bullshit. Flowers

SingaporeSlinky · 31/05/2020 18:09

Never go back. He’s already shown you what you mean to him, and it would set a terrible example to your child. Please stay safe.

lazylinguist · 31/05/2020 18:10

but wants me to go back home to support him to continue seeking help

Wtf? It's not about what he wants. The time when you should go back to a man who kicked and punched you is never in a million years.

He is adamant that time apart is damaging to our marriage

It was him being a violent bully that damaged your marriage. A few chats with a counsellor aren't going to change that. If you go back, you will be putting your life and the life of your child in danger.

ComplaintsComplaintsComplaints · 31/05/2020 18:10

I've been a copper for over 15 years and I can guarantee you three things:

  1. He won't change
  2. It will get worse than it was before. Not to start with, but it will
  3. It is so much harder to leave if you've already left and gone back.

Please don't go back.

FourTeaFallOut · 31/05/2020 18:10

Don't go back at all. You are not responsible for him. If he needs help he should get it from someone he hasn't battered. Don't fall for this shit.

zscaler · 31/05/2020 18:11

Don’t go back - now or ever. He can change and become a better person without having you there as a punching bag. All he’s doing in manipulating you into returning; that is not something you want to indulge.

You’ve don’t the right thing for you and your child. Don’t take a step back now.

SimonJT · 31/05/2020 18:11

How do you feel about only have supervised access to your child?

If you chose to expose them to an abuser that will happen.

If he gets help and he succeeds thats fantastic, but that would be years in the future. You have to live your life now.

zscaler · 31/05/2020 18:11

*done!

SummerHouse · 31/05/2020 18:13

That's a bad sign op. That he is pressuring you and saying it is damaging your marriage. That would be reason enough to show he has not changed.

Bunnymumy · 31/05/2020 18:14

Dont go back.
Counciling doesn't really do sod all to stop abusers being abusive. He doesnt have an anger problem, he has an abuse problem. Probably a cluster b personality disorder. That shit can't be fixed, it is just who they are.

If you go back after leaving them this type make you suffer tenfold for having the audacity to leave in the first place. They want to break you so you never leave again.

Never go back. For your sake and for the kids sake. Maybe do the freedom programme online/get some counciling for yourself.

tensmum1964 · 31/05/2020 18:14

I agree with everyone else. Don't go back EVER. He will never change. You owe it to yourself and your child to end things completely with him.

billy1966 · 31/05/2020 18:15

@ComplaintsComplaintsComplaints
Wise words👍

OP the words of experience from @Complaints

Please do not go back.

You were so brave and clever to get out.
Don't go back.
Ever.

Flowers
Quartz2208 · 31/05/2020 18:16

Your marriage should already be damaged beyond repair please save yourself and your child

He has only briefly seen and is still showing signs of abusive behaviour

Mummadeeze · 31/05/2020 18:16

If he is seriously working on himself and trying to change for the better then I would let him do that and maybe he can start afresh with a different relationship in the future with the hindsight of what he will lose if he messes up again. I do believe in second chances but there is too much history between you for this to be repaired. Your self esteem has probably been eroded, but you deserve so much more than the past you have had with him. The chance to take a better future is in your hands. Think about your freedom and how happy you could be. Please don’t go back. I doubt he could respect you deep down if you do. The power balance will always be off. Best of luck and well done for getting this close towards a better future.

emilybrontescorsett · 31/05/2020 18:17

Do not go back. If it helps you, block his number.
Keep you child away from him.
DV is damaging to children, regardless of whether the child is hit.
Seem help for yourself up and don't be afraid to confide in people in rl.
Don't feel you have a myth by to be ashamed off.

Innitogether · 31/05/2020 18:18

Please don’t go back. It will be harder to leave a second, third, fourth time x

Innitogether · 31/05/2020 18:19

And who the fuck voted YABU? At least have the balls to explain why you think the OP is bu.

cushioncovers · 31/05/2020 18:20

Please don't go back. It's the oldest trick in the book to go to a counsellor for a few weeks and pretend to be a changed person.

I can assure you the counsellor won't be recommending this.