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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Domestic violence

166 replies

Feelinglost01 · 31/05/2020 18:05

I've recently separated from my husband due to domestic violence. On a number of occasions, he punched, slapped and kicked me in several different places including the head and stomach.
Since having left, he has spoken to counsellors and psychiatrists briefly but wants me to go back home to support him to continue seeking help.
Am I wrong to want to see a change first?
He is adamant that time apart is damaging to our marriage but i fear going back for it to only continue. We share a child and I'm terrified of the impact it is having on them and the potential of them also getting hit.
Am i wrong for wanting to have a while to myself and not wanting to see him during this period even if i can't define the length of time i need?
Any help or advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 31/05/2020 20:41

He was physically abusive and now he’s being emotionally abusive. You abs your child deserve better. Take as much action as you can now, OP. It might help you limit his contact to keep you and your child safe.

goody2shooz · 31/05/2020 20:48

The difference between you two is that YOU feel guilty for not wanting to return, and HE doesn’t feel guilty for REPEATEDLY ASSAULTING you. You are a nice kind normal person - he isn’t. You can’t understand how he thinks cos it’s so far from how you would. Please NEVER go back, he’s not even grovellingly apologising (not that he’d mean that anyway) but he can do all his changing and working on himself by himself. Tell him he’ll be able to think more clearly without family life to distract him....then find a good solicitor and begin divorce proceedings. This is a time to put your child and yourself FIRST, not this bullying brute. You deserve so much better than this man.

Aknifewith16blades · 31/05/2020 21:02

You can't unsmash a broken glass. And, sadly, your marriage is that broken glass because he hit you. Don't go back. Even in the almost unbelievable chance that he never lays another finger on you, you will never be able to fully trust him again.

And you have a child to think about too.

Stay safe, stay away.

EmeraldShamrock · 31/05/2020 21:40

You should be very proud of yourself OP not walking blindly back into his life, he has run you down manipulating you yet your instinct is in tactgo with it. You're very brave. ❤

FlyAwayLikeABird · 31/05/2020 21:53

OP never go back. NEVER.

Oxfordnono12 · 31/05/2020 22:02

Spoken to counsellors and psychiatrists "briefly"? No, this is another plot to manipulate, he is trying to show you he can change (he wont) but once you are back, it wont be long until you are being abused again, this time it will be worse.

Use this time to recovery from your experience, use this time for YOU and your daughter. Have LIMITED contact with him. It is not up to you to help him recover. Your relationship will never be healthy. Please, please move on. Please, know he is not worthy of YOU or your DAUGHTER.

Mushypeasandchipstogo · 31/05/2020 22:05

DO NOT GO BACK! He is manipulating you. Flowers

Deepblueriver · 31/05/2020 22:06

I have been where you are. Don’t go back. He may well be the person he is because of his childhood. If you go back your children could end up like him because of their childhood.

Read why does he do that. It really helps to change your perspective. I really doubted that I was being abused. I thought he was mentally ill and that I needed to protect him. He used suicide threats to control me.

You don’t want to go. Your instincts are right. Listen to them.

rosecreakybex · 31/05/2020 22:08

I'd put money on him having not actually spoken to anyone at all. You can't speak to a psychiatrist "briefly" it take months and months of referrals. And any counselling would be minimum 6 weeks of it were CBT or something but in the timeframe you hint at he would have barely scratched the surface

TeresaMayspants · 31/05/2020 22:18

Please listen to everyone on here! Please don’t go back! He won’t change. he could kill you.

Embracelife · 31/05/2020 22:20

Have you reported the assaults?
You must
So that he only has supervised access to dc until proves is safe
Do not go back ever
He is just trying to reel you in to beat again

Embracelife · 31/05/2020 22:23

You cannot begin to support him.
He has to do it himself.
Focus on you and dc.
Speak to police DV support
Tell your gp get local support
Were your injuries recorded medically?

NaviSprite · 31/05/2020 22:49

Another saying don’t go back OP.

I had a shit childhood. A really shit violent, horrible childhood. I have never used this as an excuse to abuse anybody else. It’s manipulation from him, pure and simple. Please for your safety and the safety of your child, don’t go back.

As for access to your child, I’m no expert, hopefully others will provide good advice, but I think the first step is ensuring his vile treatment of you has been recorded in some professional way, either by police reports hopefully made at the time of each incident or by a doctor for injuries etc. Or now by contacting support as said by Embrace life.

Stay strong @Feelinglost01 he is not your responsibility to fix, any damage to the marriage has been caused by him and solely him - please don’t feel any guilt for doing what is best for you and your child Flowers

WelcomeToTheNorth · 31/05/2020 22:52

Take your child and run like fuck in the opposite direction would be my advise. You’re out of it now. Block his number and disappear.

Original poster
Feelinglost01 · 31/05/2020 23:01

I never reported it to the police or dr. I always protected him and didn't want ss involved. I reported him once and he made me retract my statement and beat me that night. It made me scared to do it again. Why I didn't leave then it's beyond me. I just keep thinking he doesn't want to be this evil person and his anger is controlling him.
If I never reported anything, is there anything I can do now?

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock · 31/05/2020 23:36

Don't worry about why didn't you leave him, if it was easy all those women killed in their home would have left. The mental abuse starts long before the physical abuse.
You don't need to have reported him, you know it happened.
Report him now for any hassle he is been kind to trick you when he knows you're not returning it will turn to anger, he is tempting you don't be fooled into thinking he changed without sounding harsh you'll find yourself at his mercy if you go back.
Keep moving forward every step counts. Don't meet him to talk leaving is the most dangerous time.

Spain1 · 31/05/2020 23:38

Never go back.

Spain1 · 31/05/2020 23:39

You may never get the chance to leave again.

EmeraldShamrock · 31/05/2020 23:41

I just keep thinking he doesn't want to be this evil person and his anger is controlling him
Does he beat random people in the street? His mother? His boss? The bin man? He can control his anger it is not evil controlling him, he is an emotional dysfunctional woman beater it is who he is. He showed you, don't ignore it.

DesignedForLife · 31/05/2020 23:46

I didn’t vote either way as I’m confused.

Please don’t go back OP. He is gaslighting and he will do it again. Please put yourself and your DC first.

MilleniumHallsWalledGarden · 31/05/2020 23:50

he made me retract my statement and beat me that night. It made me scared to do it again.

And you're thinking about going back to him? The man who beat you to punish you? Don't do it!

mortforya · 31/05/2020 23:53

This is not normal or common Op, there really are wonderful, good and decent men put there. Don't ever go back.

rosiejaune · 31/05/2020 23:57

My abusive ex had bad childhood experiences too. That doesn't excuse what he did to me, and it doesn't mean he was any more likely to change (it's vanishingly rare for that to happen), which he didn't.

There are plenty of people who had bad childhoods anyway, and they don't become abusive. Mine wasn't great. My current partner's was bad too. But neither of us act like that.

Thelnebriati · 01/06/2020 00:19

He is adamant that time apart is damaging to our marriage

this is not a man who wants to change, this is a man who is still trying to control you.
Please speak to Womens Aid, and take the Freedom Program. You can do it online. You need proper support and advice.

The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker
tinyurl.com/GiftoFear

Lundy Bancroft - Why Does He Do That?
tinyurl.com/LundyWhy

Tillygetsit · 01/06/2020 01:02

Leave for good. Your child and you will be much better off.

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