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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Domestic violence

166 replies

Feelinglost01 · 31/05/2020 18:05

I've recently separated from my husband due to domestic violence. On a number of occasions, he punched, slapped and kicked me in several different places including the head and stomach.
Since having left, he has spoken to counsellors and psychiatrists briefly but wants me to go back home to support him to continue seeking help.
Am I wrong to want to see a change first?
He is adamant that time apart is damaging to our marriage but i fear going back for it to only continue. We share a child and I'm terrified of the impact it is having on them and the potential of them also getting hit.
Am i wrong for wanting to have a while to myself and not wanting to see him during this period even if i can't define the length of time i need?
Any help or advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:
theseriousmoonlight · 31/05/2020 18:21

time apart is damaging to our marriage

His violence towards you and now his pressure for you to help support him is what has damaged your marriage.

Do not go back. Ever.

RoseGoldEagle · 31/05/2020 18:21

No idea who the 7% are who voted YABU, be very interesting to see why on earth they think that (hoping some may be accidental). You absolutely should not go back to this man- and there is no way a counsellor or psychiatrist would have told him to push for this. If he really wanted to change, he’d start by understanding exactly why you and your child needed your space, and wouldn’t dream of asking this of you. But unfortunately, he’s very unlikely to change, and there’s way too much at stake for you and your child to risk this. Massive respect to you for getting you and your child out of this situation, please please don’t go back to him OP.

AvoidingRealHumans · 31/05/2020 18:21

Definitely don't go back. They never change and they get worse.
In my personal experience it got worse after going back because I had the cheek to leave him, it escalated to being more controlling on top of violence so I couldn't leave again - locking doors, taking my phone before starting on me etc.
I did leave eventually but its not worth going back, aside from your position in this you would be showing your child that it is acceptable.
Stay strong

Innitogether · 31/05/2020 18:22

I think you should ask MN HQ to move this thread to relationships OP. AIBU brings out the worst in some people who will vote YABU just to be contrary x

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 31/05/2020 18:22

Please do not go back. Next time and there will be next time you may not be
"lucky" enough to be able to start a thread..Going back to this beast is not only toxic for you but also your child.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 31/05/2020 18:24

Why is he making it all about him and what he wants, fucking cheek Angry

Your marriage was damaged by his abuse not by you leaving. Don’t go back OP.

ChoosingHim · 31/05/2020 18:24

DON'T GO BACK OP

You've done the right thing for yourself AND your child.

Could you live with yourself if/WHEN he hits your child?

Daisyhut · 31/05/2020 18:25

I am so sorry you are going through this. If you go back he could kill you and your child.

LipsyGirl · 31/05/2020 18:26

Regardless of the therapy, I wouldn’t be going back. He will just go back to how he was before. He’s just a nasty bastard Op, anybody that does that to another person doesn’t have a conscience.

Flaxmeadow · 31/05/2020 18:27

Please dont ever go back. Please think of yourself and your children

Anydreamwilldo12 · 31/05/2020 18:29

Stay strong
Stay away
Stay safe
Don't ever go back. He will never change and you and your child will be in danger every single day if you return.

3LittleMonkeyz · 31/05/2020 18:30

I've been where you are. I went back. It got worse. I only just managed to leave with my life. Please, do not go back. Yes he may be able to work on himself and not be so abusive to somebody else in future (it doesn't happen very often, I've never seen it but I'm sure there are exceptions) but with you the damage is done. He will always be able to use your fear of things escalating, you will always be walking on egg shells. Not to mention your child not being in a relaxed happy environment. Please don't go back. For yourself and for your child, you are the priority. You don't need to support him to better himself. Either he will or he won't, that's on him, not you.

Russianslice · 31/05/2020 18:33

The only thing damaging to your marriage is him.

Well done for leaving. Never go back!! You should be so proud of yourself to have gotten out of that situation. If you go back you will spend your life trying to not upset him or scared to say something wrong. X

BraveGoldie · 31/05/2020 18:44

Agree with everyone- please don't go back.

He beat you multiple times. There is no evidence he has changed. In fact his pleading for you to put yourself in discomfort and danger in order to help him is proof to me that he has not changed.

The damage to your marriage is caused by him. Don't ever let him tell you it's on you.

Good luck OP.

BlueSuffragette · 31/05/2020 18:47

Never go back. He will not change. There will always be a next time. Build a new life for yourself away from him.

TheMamaYo · 31/05/2020 18:48

I didn't vote YABU, but YABU for even considering going back. Voice of experience here, OP, he won't change. He wants you back because he can better control you when you are nearby. You'll 'pay for it' if you go back, before much time has passed. Please, don't go back.

Original poster
Feelinglost01 · 31/05/2020 18:49

Thank you so much everyone.
I'm new to this so still trying to figure out how to use it.
The only reason I consider going back is because he was never like that before. Yes, that's a classic abuser where they act nice until the trap you. I just can't shake the feeling that if he got help, he could change. He had a horrible childhood and I feel like it all stems from that and then if I supported him then it could help. But I know that's a long shot.
I just can't stop feeling horrible.

OP posts:
LondonJax · 31/05/2020 18:50

I can only echo what others have said. Don't go back. Under any circumstances.

Perpetrators of DV are very, very clever. They actually believe half the crap they talk too. They will blame everyone but themselves for everything. The main thing that they will do is to take what a counsellor says and twist it to their means.

So, for example, a counsellor may speak to them about stepping away from situations that they know anger them. It's what the average person does but what a perpetrator doesn't - because that means losing the element of control. So what they'll say is 'the kids making noise makes me angry. My counsellor says I need to keep away from that level of noise'. Now that may be fair enough, most people can get like that with kids noise - but those people tend to walk into the loo, shut the door, breathe and get back into the melee of life. Perpetrators of DV will say 'so you need to stop the kids making so much noise'. Then, if they hit the roof (and you) because the kids making a noise, it's your fault. The counsellor said so. But, of course, the counsellor didn't.

Walk away, and carry on walking. He will not change and he's already showing the 'if this goes wrong it's your fault because you didn't support me enough' attitude.

pointythings · 31/05/2020 18:51

I reckon the YABUs are people who voted that way because the OP is even considering going back.

Don't go back. This man has hit you. If he really wanted to change, he wouldn't be putting pressure on you in this way, he'd be holding his hands up to what he did, letting you go and hoping he could have a fresh start in a new relationship. Instead he's using emotional blackmail to reel you back in.

Don't let him.

Thesearmsofmine · 31/05/2020 18:54

Don’t go back, you and your dc are better off away from this abusive man.

TerrorWig · 31/05/2020 18:56

He can get help, and I guess there’s a possibility he may change (although personally I don’t really believe leopards change their spots in these circumstances).

But he doesn’t need you there to do that. He should be undertaking serious therapy to overcome his violence, with the understanding that this is the bare minimum before you’ll even consider returning. And that him doing this doesn’t constitute an agreement, that he has to understand his marriage is over unless you say so.

rainbowlou · 31/05/2020 18:57

He wants you back because he is losing control.
You keep that control and do not go back, you’ve done the tough bit by leaving.
Please now work on yourself and get help for you and your children not for him.
It took me years to find the courage to leave permanently after returning again and again with his promises to change.

LexMitior · 31/05/2020 18:58

Don’t go back.

The horrible childhood? That’s for him to sort out.

Sorry to say that if I meet a man claims to have had an abusive childhood then I give them a wide birth. Most of them have strange ideas about what a home should be. A lot of them are damaged, and damage other people.

Don’t feel guilty. If this man is serious he will do it by himself; and wait for you.

But you must get on with your life and not look back. If you go back it will get much much worse.

Goawayquickly · 31/05/2020 18:58

Sad he had a terrible childhood but if you go back your kids will have a terrible childhood too

81Byerley · 31/05/2020 18:59

Please don't go back. He has damaged your marriage by being violent, and he is being manipulative, trying to blame you. Women have ended up dead by believing a violent man and going back.