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Original poster

Domestic violence

166 replies

Feelinglost01 · 31/05/2020 18:05

I've recently separated from my husband due to domestic violence. On a number of occasions, he punched, slapped and kicked me in several different places including the head and stomach.
Since having left, he has spoken to counsellors and psychiatrists briefly but wants me to go back home to support him to continue seeking help.
Am I wrong to want to see a change first?
He is adamant that time apart is damaging to our marriage but i fear going back for it to only continue. We share a child and I'm terrified of the impact it is having on them and the potential of them also getting hit.
Am i wrong for wanting to have a while to myself and not wanting to see him during this period even if i can't define the length of time i need?
Any help or advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:
Iooselipssinkships · 01/06/2020 16:47

No no no no I went back and was the victim of an attempted murder. I am lucky to be alive. Don't go back they never ever change. Please don't be me please. Just fucking don't even consider it. Don't. Please.

billy1966 · 01/06/2020 16:53

Not your job to help or fix a man who abuses you.

Who cares what happens him.

I would NEVER forgive or forget a man who injured me.

I would NEVER trust them again.

You were so brave to get away.

Take this enormous gift that you gave yourself and your child and hold on to it.

He will NEVER change.

You deserve better.

Your child deserves better.

Leañ on your family.

Tell your friends what you have gone through.

Do NOT entertain this excuse of a man.
Flowers

Original poster
Feelinglost01 · 02/06/2020 08:56

Thank you everyone so much for your input and support. I'm definitely seeing it clearer. He's been messaging me dating he's changed and never wanted to hit me and so never will again. I want to believe him but I also know that every single one of you is very accurate about how people can't change that easy and rarely do change at all xxxx

OP posts:
REignbow · 02/06/2020 09:16

@Feelinglost01

You really need to block his number. He is contacting you, in order to manipulate you in to coming back. Why do you need to speak to him? He’s physically beaten you on numerous occasions and he’s still saying that YOU need to help him become less abusive Hmm

Please call WA

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 02/06/2020 09:29

He wants you to support him in not beating you!? I think that statement alone shows he hasn't changed and it's all about his feelings and not about what's best for you. If he was genuinely trying to change he would be in intensive therapy and the counsellor would be telling him to stay away from you while he does this and making it clear it's a long long process. Its such an engrained thing that there is absolutely no chance of him thinking 'well I don't want to hit her' and then it not happening. Something will trigger him and then it will be 'your fault for making him angry again'.

Men who are abusive and violent often kill their partners. This happens to two women a week in England and the most dangerous time is when they are trying to leave. Please never go back. I'm not exaggerating when I say going back could kill you.

I'd also go to the police.

Nanny0gg · 02/06/2020 09:33

Stay away. He's not your problem to fix. Get advice from Womens Aid and counselling for yourself.

Nanny0gg · 02/06/2020 09:35

I hope the 2% unreasonable pressed in error

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 02/06/2020 09:49

Oh OP, you know you can't go back. He's lying through his back teeth, and even if he wasn't, why is it your job to fix him? He needs to do the work, not to get you back because that ship has hopefully sailed, but to fix himself so he can stop being a violent abusing cunt.

Please do the Freedom programme, you can do it online.
If you retracted a report to the police it should still be on record. It would be worth speaking to your local DV team about this. You do want a paper trail for when it comes to contact with your DS.
Please also consider getting a cheap payg phone. Give him the number and only him - tell him your other phone broke or something. Or get yourself a new sim and use it only for him, Look at it once a week, and once a week only, when it suits you. Block him from everything else, every social media outlet and give yourself a break. He's harassing you even now.

Iamnotacerealkiller · 02/06/2020 09:54

Aren't his messages proof enough to the police? I would report again in order to get more protection from him and also it also may have an effect on if/how much time he gets with your child.

CelestialSpanking · 02/06/2020 09:57

Don’t go back. Not now. Not ever. Even with counselling and other help the chances of him actually completely changing his ways and never hurting you ever again are slim to none. One day he could kill you.

GimmeAy · 02/06/2020 10:02

Honestly, go back if you want, but you know what you're going back to and it will be escalated by you daring to leave him. Your choice. Please don't subject either yourself or your child to that. Do you want to be murdered?

GimmeAy · 02/06/2020 10:11

Last year, 173 people were killed in domestic violence-related homicides, according to data obtained by the BBC from 43 police forces across the UK - an increase of 32 deaths on 2017.

What makes you think your case is special and that you won't be a number among the next 170 murders? Because everything you're saying to me screams 'YOU'RE DAMAGING THE MARRIAGE', and by God will you pay for that.

GimmeAy · 02/06/2020 10:13

When you took your marriage vows, you did not vow to love, honour and be beaten. Your marriage is a sham.

Marriedtoapenguin · 02/06/2020 10:16

Leopards. Spots.

If an alcoholic has a relapse that's one thing, he has a 'relapse' it's you or your child potentially dead.

Some very good advice on this thread. Follow it.

MattBerrysHair · 02/06/2020 10:26

Anyone who really cared about you and respected you would realise that YOU need support to heal from the trauma of domestic violence. Instead he's demanding that you put your emotional needs aside in order to prioritise HIM. That in itself is proof that he will never change.

FrippEnos · 02/06/2020 10:41

You got out, the hard part is staying out.

He will twist and spin this to try and make you feel guilty.

Don't fall for it.

Bunnymumy · 02/06/2020 11:19

Lol 'changed' my ass. In a week? With no self work? How has he changed? Magic?

Didn't want to hit you? Any of the times? Well bugger me, I didnt know alien parasites that entered the brain and controlled the body were real!

He's a f*cked up, lying arsehole. And if he texted you about the abuse I would show it to the police. Get it on record. Then he wont have a leg to stand on in the divorce.

Also definately block him on everything bar the one phone. Or it'll be the long rambelling emails next xD

Embracelife · 02/06/2020 12:13

clearer. He's been messaging me dating he's changed and never wanted to hit me and so never will again.

You cannot let him have the chance
Stay away
Of course he is crying now and promising
You have to be strong

Jmee · 27/03/2021 22:12

Hi I don’t know if anyone is still reading on this and I am new to this so i may be doing this wrong. I am currently in a relationship of 16 years with 2 boys. I feel like my partner dislikes me. Which I know is strange. Every time we have an argument he throws the same hurtful comments that I have no friends and I’m a mean and nasty person. Usually I just brush it off but it’s really getting to me as don’t think he is just saying it anymore just to hurt me I think he means it. He tells all his family I’m crazy. I work 5 days a week and my life revolves around my children. I don’t really have a social life or friends. He works but also does what he wants when he wants. I’m finding it hard and have joined this chat as I really am starting to worry that I am a bad person.

Jmee · 27/03/2021 22:30

Hi. I am new to this so i may be doing this wrong. Feeling a bit overwhelmed so just joined. I am currently in a relationship of 16 years with 2 boys. I feel like my partner dislikes me and "puts up with me" Which I know is strange. Every time we have a disagreement he throws the same hurtful comments that I have no friends and I’m a mean and nasty person. Usually I just brush it off but it’s really getting to me as don’t think he is just saying it anymore just to hurt me I think he means it. He tells all his family I’m crazy. I don't want to get get too personal but I feel like he's only nice to me on the days he wants to sleep with me. His tone of voice changed and he is helpful. I work 5 days a week and my life revolves around my children. I don’t really have a social life or friends. He works but also does what he wants when he wants...gym, fishing etc. I’m finding it hard and have joined this chat as I really am starting to worry that I am a bad person. Like why say it all the time if you don't think it? I'd much rather he called me different names

Singlenotsingle · 27/03/2021 22:35

The marriage has finished. He needs to understand that, and so do you. Men like this don't change EVER.

Singlenotsingle · 27/03/2021 22:36

James - you need to start a thread of your own

Singlenotsingle · 27/03/2021 22:37

Sorry, that was Jmee

funnylittlefloozie · 27/03/2021 22:44

@Jmee, you need to start your own thread, but please know, you are not a bad person, he's a piece of shit.

billy1966 · 27/03/2021 22:50

@Jmee
He sounds awful, but you know that.
Women's Aid would give you real life support.
Call them.
Flowers