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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Domestic violence

166 replies

Feelinglost01 · 31/05/2020 18:05

I've recently separated from my husband due to domestic violence. On a number of occasions, he punched, slapped and kicked me in several different places including the head and stomach.
Since having left, he has spoken to counsellors and psychiatrists briefly but wants me to go back home to support him to continue seeking help.
Am I wrong to want to see a change first?
He is adamant that time apart is damaging to our marriage but i fear going back for it to only continue. We share a child and I'm terrified of the impact it is having on them and the potential of them also getting hit.
Am i wrong for wanting to have a while to myself and not wanting to see him during this period even if i can't define the length of time i need?
Any help or advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:
Bunnymumy · 31/05/2020 19:00

Loads of people had rotten childhoods and didnt grow up to be wife beating scumballs op.

I'm not even sure a decent, self respecting therapist would take him on, knowing that he hits you and had manipulated you to coming back. IF he would even tell them the truth in the first place.

Reminds me of a part in 'why did he do that?' the book by Lundy. One of the abusers told his wife that Lundy (the councillor) said she had to move back in with him in order for them to work on things together. Of course Lundy had said no such thing and was horrified when he found out.

Please stay away op.
Do whatever it takes to free yourself of this horrible excuse for a human.

81Byerley · 31/05/2020 19:07

At some point we grow up and we have to stop blaming other people for our current behaviour. He is making you feel guilty and "horrible" because he is a manipulative bastard.

chickenyhead · 31/05/2020 19:09

it's a trick. He is blaming you for the damage he did to the marriage.

This guilt feeling is toxic and it doesn't belong to you. This guilt belongs to him, but he is incapable of owning it.

You don't simply wake up and decide that you aren't going to beat your wife. If these perpetrators do ever change it is after years of therapy.

He is .manipulating you, I have been there repeatedly. Please contact the freedom programme ASAP.

I am still dealing with the damage to my kids from watching the dynamic of fear, 6 years later. They don't have to witness it to know that fear it there.

You deserve so much more. Please protect yourself and your children and never ever return.

Original poster
Feelinglost01 · 31/05/2020 19:11

Does anyone know what way custody works? My fear is leaving him and him not giving my son proper care on the days he gets z him

OP posts:
kazzer2867 · 31/05/2020 19:17

I grew up watching my mum getting battered by my 'father'. Each time the abuse got worse. I begged her to leave him from the age of 10 until he finally left when I was 15 (the best day of my life). He was an abusive pig. To this day he has underplayed the damage he has done to my siblings.

In my opinion abusers never change. Please please please, put your children and yourself first. It is not you job to 'fix' him. Having a horrible childhood is not an excuse to be an abuser.

Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme · 31/05/2020 19:17

I don't really have any advice particular ly op but I completely agree with PP - you have been so brave and got out - keep going xxxFlowers

chickenyhead · 31/05/2020 19:19

Personally due to the violence I would only allow supervised contact. My ex is on this after years of SS involvement.

People who think that its ok to beat their wife, but manage not to beat other people, can turn when you leave them. Look up family annihilator. It is not worth the risk. If he cannot get you back through guilt, he will move on to violence and trying to destroy you.

SomeonesRealName · 31/05/2020 19:21

I think the hardest part about leaving an abuser is letting go of the hope and belief that they can change and that you can help them change. They do a pretty convincing job of acting like you're getting through to them sometimes - and this perpetuates the cycle. After the mask inevitably slips and they abuse you again, then there's the sob story narrative about their difficult childhood/adolescence/past relationships designed to invoke your sympathy. They're always "going to go" to counselling/AA/addiction therapy/anger management whatever. Somehow you need to accept they do not change. Get your own counselling, talk to others who've been there, do the freedom programme, read Lundy Bancroft, listen to podcasts about cluster B personality types (people may shriek about arm chair psychologists but who cares as long as you turn yourself off the man). Keep a written list of his faults and what he has done to you. Read it every time you feel tempted to go back to him. Ring women's aid. Post on here.

He may have conditioned you to put his needs over your own and you may feel guilty about walking away. Keep telling yourself this is not rational. Abusive men have a skewed view of things where it's not what they did that's the problem it's how you reacted. You don't have to see things his way.

2bazookas · 31/05/2020 19:25

YOU are damaging the marriage? Really?

So he's still not taking responsibility for his abusive behaviour. Counselling hasn't worked. You'd be a fool to go back for a second helping and expose your child to it.

1Morewineplease · 31/05/2020 19:25

@SomeonesRealName has nailed it.
Do not go back.
All good wishes to you and your child.

Queenie8 · 31/05/2020 19:27

Please don't go back. He will suck you in with the pity party, and once back he will be sweet and caring for a month, six months or a year before he slips back to old ways.

There will be bubbling points where he'll reign it in just in time, but you will live in fear, your DC will live in fear.

Look at it from the perspective that a friend/sister/aunt etc was describing your situation, what advice would you give?

@fizzygreenwater gives amazing advice.

Bunnymumy · 31/05/2020 19:31

Better to have one safe home to retreat to and a mother showing strength by leaving. Than to be stuck in a home watching your mother get seven shades of shite battered out of her, knowing you might be next ecery single day for the for the next 15 years.

You cannot protect yourself, let alone anyone else by staying with him. And the kid will likely grow up so damaged that either they will find themselves stuck in abusive relationships...or worse, become exactly like their father. And the cycle continues.

Get yourself a good solicitor. One that has experiences dealing with abusers. This is a war, whether you want it or not. And not one you win by trying to reach a compromise with Gengus Khan the wifebeater man.

VivienScott · 31/05/2020 19:31

Your marriage was irreparably damaged the minute he abused you. Only return to serve him divorce papers. You do not owe it to him to fix him, he needs to fix himself.

DioneTheDiabolist · 31/05/2020 19:31

Have a read of this OP.
www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

iklboo · 31/05/2020 19:45

DO NOT go back. He'll use your leaving and 'forcing' him to get help as an excuse to escalate. He's already blaming you for the marriage break up.

icansmellburningleaves · 31/05/2020 19:50

Don’t go back. He won’t change. You have a duty to protect your child, not to return to the violence. Good luck. 💐

GameSetMatch · 31/05/2020 19:50

Run, and don’t look back! Look ahead and build a new safe life for you and your child!

whittingtonmum · 31/05/2020 19:53

Do not go back! The violence will continue. For the sake of your child: DO.NOT.GO.BACK.

Mumoblue · 31/05/2020 19:55

OP I know you're getting a lot of messages at once but I hope my voice can add something.

My father was a domestic abuser, and he and my mother split when I was 6. Please do not go back.
Being in that environment is terrible. Even though my dad didn't hit my mum when we were around, me and my siblings grew up in a tense and fearful home.
When I was older I asked my mum why she hadn't left earlier, and she said she had stayed for us. That is the last thing I would have wanted, for my mum to be with someone who hit her because she thought it was better for me. I felt guilty about that for a long time, and it still makes me sad.

Obviously they eventually divorced, and I know the violence continued with at least the next two girlfriends my dad had.

I couldn't help my mum leave, but I will tell any woman who needs to hear it: do not go back to an abuser. Do not go back for the kids. It isn't what they would want if they had all the facts.

Please stay strong OP.
Even if he did change magically, he has done what he has done, and its unacceptable for your relationship. Please keep it as being over.

rosecreakybex · 31/05/2020 19:57

I wish I could remember the name of a documentary that was in about a year ago - anyone? It followed perpetrators who enrolled on various courses and counselling etc. Following DV against their partners. None of them changed.... none of them.

If you go back you'll have children's services in your case for not protecting your kids.

Have you been asked to complete the freedom course? I found it very helpful. If not, contact Women's Aid to get enrolled.

Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches · 31/05/2020 19:59

Don’t go back at all. Ever.

Please listen to ComplaintsComplaintsComplaints

raspberryk · 31/05/2020 20:01

I've just voted yabu because I don't think you should even contemplate going back whatever the circumstances.
Leopards never change their spots.

Ginjanotaninja · 31/05/2020 20:14

As a Housing Officer, I see all to frequently domestic abuse situations and their awful consequences.
Far by the worst and it still haunts me, is having to deal with the after effects of DV murder. Those kids lost both parents that day and came out very traumatised, damaged, angry and hateful.
Please do not go back, do not be part of his therapy, in my case thats how he murdered her, he isn't worth the risk Your child deserves at least one parent.

JRUIN · 31/05/2020 20:33

He is adamant that time apart is damaging to our marriage

That one sentence has given me the rage. Do not go back to this manipulative thug OP. I gave my violent ex chance after chance for over 15yrs before finally seeing the light and finishing it for good. He then went on to abuse his next girlfriend and the one after that. They don't change.

teacuptale · 31/05/2020 20:37

Please don’t go back. My relative went back and she’s now dead.