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AIBU?

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Original poster

Domestic violence

166 replies

Feelinglost01 · 31/05/2020 18:05

I've recently separated from my husband due to domestic violence. On a number of occasions, he punched, slapped and kicked me in several different places including the head and stomach.
Since having left, he has spoken to counsellors and psychiatrists briefly but wants me to go back home to support him to continue seeking help.
Am I wrong to want to see a change first?
He is adamant that time apart is damaging to our marriage but i fear going back for it to only continue. We share a child and I'm terrified of the impact it is having on them and the potential of them also getting hit.
Am i wrong for wanting to have a while to myself and not wanting to see him during this period even if i can't define the length of time i need?
Any help or advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:
LunasOrchid · 01/06/2020 01:08

Imagine someone beating the crap out of your child. What advice would you give them? To return to the vile fucker who will beat them again? No exactly!

Get strong. Protect your child. Protect yourself. NEVER RETURN UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.

calllaaalllaaammma · 01/06/2020 02:40

I just keep thinking he doesn't want to be this evil person and his anger is controlling him

No one is all bad or you wouldn’t have moved in with him but his anger is not controlling him, it is not separate from him, this is who he is.

BlackeyedSusan · 01/06/2020 02:48

Don't give your kid terrible childhood by going back.

theBelgranoSisters · 01/06/2020 03:33

@Feelinglost01 Congratulations on breaking free-well done.Please don't ever go back-you are right to worry about the emotional/mental scars to your Dc but at this age will be reparable with distance and every day away you'll find yourself getting a bit more back too your old self and reflecting on why returning is NEVER an option. I worked with counselling charity in the early 2000s for 4 years & the biggest hurdle in DV was genuine accountability and ownership(past the lies told and empty promises made to lure the partner back) . Willingness to make genuine change was in my experience never longer than 6 months tops. Although clients i worked for were successful in recognising triggers they almost always lacked the desire to commit to long term behavioural changes as simply put-it was too hard to change the habits of a lifetime.You are now in the position that your ex will find most intolerable of all:out there,able to live your life as you chose without him and he will do and say act in any manner necessary to draw you back in.This is the time to steel yourself and put up some boundaries.Personally i would block all communication and await court notification regarding your DC if he starts trying to play dirty. Best wishes to you on your new life with DC.

theBelgranoSisters · 01/06/2020 03:34

didnt mean to add the smiley icon!

locked2020 · 01/06/2020 03:59

Congratulations OP. Stay strong and do not go back. What you are asking for is totally reasonable. If he was serious about change and accepting responsibility for his actions, at the very least he would give you the space you need. Stay away.

REignbow · 01/06/2020 04:20

Please call women’s aid for support.

You can still report the DV to the police, it will help you to obtain a non molestation order. I say this, as at the moment he is playing nice and once he realises that it isn’t working, he’ll become angry (look up the abusers script).

Stop feeling guilty about him and stop thinking that it’s your responsibility to help him. He’s an adult he can make his own choices.

What you should be more concerned with is, your DC. If you were to return he could end up killing you or he could kill you because you are not under his control anymore.

You must, must report this to the police. Discuss it with your GP etc as this will help with any court proceeding re: child contact.

Also, I would stop all contact with him. Block his number/email address and unblock maybe once a week. He’s using contact with you, to push boundaries.

CuppaZa · 01/06/2020 04:56

Please please never ever go back. You’ve got away, taken a massive brave step. You owe him nothing. He is likely to kill you

Gingernaut · 01/06/2020 05:02

His violence is his responsibility.

His feelings are his responsibility.

The breakdown of your marriage is down to his violence.

You are not responsible for the end of your marriage.

Do not go back.

Please speak to Women's Aid.

Do not go back.

You are responsible for the health, safety and wellbeing of you and your children. All of this would be jeopardized by going back.

LilyMarshall · 01/06/2020 08:52

Dont go back at all. He is making his abusiveness your responsibility. Report him too. Awful man.

Bunnymumy · 01/06/2020 10:12

Abusers arent abusive because they are angry. They are angry because they are abusive (Lundy).

SoleBizzz · 01/06/2020 10:19

You won't t have a choice when he has killed you.

HelenUrth · 01/06/2020 10:38

Time apart can't do anything like the damage to a relationship that blows to the head and stomach on repeated occasions can.

This excuse for a man is trying to put it on you instead of taking responsibility for his own behaviour. As others have noted, he decides who to abuse, he doesn't get his fists out at bosses or clients.

He killed this marriage, not you.

If you have friends/family you're close to (or has he isolated you from these people?), please tell them what's been going on.

Abuse thrives in secrecy.

Stay strong and stay away from this horrible abuser. Keep posting here, you will get great support and advice from people who understand.

bibliomania · 01/06/2020 10:43

So he's calling on you to return to serve his needs? That's a no.

billy1966 · 01/06/2020 13:14

You took such an enormous step forward OP.

Don't take a step back that you will undoubtedly regret.

GabriellaMontez · 01/06/2020 13:21

Dont ever go back. He's a disgrace.

Original poster
Feelinglost01 · 01/06/2020 13:39

I love how supportive everyone has been, thank you. I also love the bluntness. I think the harsh reality is what I need because I feel heartless until I hear an outside say it.
I take too much responsibility because I've also hit him, in fear, frustration and self defence. He always feels the need to remind me of this and then I feel like I'm just as bad. Really I would like him to experience what I have to see the difference.
The freedom programme isn't available in my area, I checked last night. However I think I'll order them books. We've a joint amazon account so it'll be a nice surprise for him when he sees its on its way to me Confused. The more I read these comments, the more I'm feeling stronger so I really can't thank everyone enough.
I have some people he's not been able to isolate me from as much as he tried. He realised that isolating me from my family was only making them closer to me and further from him so he then tried to befriend them instead. I lost my friends but my family are definitely helping. I broke down and told them and it was the that gave me the strength to stay away. I just want to return to my home though.

OP posts:
Bunnymumy · 01/06/2020 14:01

I think you can take the freedom programme online.

Priobably best not let on to him that you are wising up to what he is. Maybe get an ebay account for those books!

Also, if you share an Amazon account...is it played from a joint bank account then? If so, might be wise to make sure you take your money out of that account asap, before he steals it all.

I know it sucks to miss home...but freedom from abuse has to be more important. Maybe talk with a solicitor about what you will be entitled to and how to get yourself financially free of him/how to get the home back if that's an issue.

Bunnymumy · 01/06/2020 14:03

*paid from

Original poster
Feelinglost01 · 01/06/2020 14:11

Yea I'm already trying to think of ways to rearrange as much as i can before he realises.
I'm going to get my brother to order the books for me and that way he's no knowledge of it.
I feel terrible planning it all without his knowledge but I know it's his fault.

OP posts:
DioneTheDiabolist · 01/06/2020 14:11

The books can be read online from the links. Don't let him know you are reading them. The less he knows about what you're doing the better OP.

AlovelybitofsquirrelJackie · 01/06/2020 15:09

I have cared for, treated and documented the injuries of more women like you that I care to imagine. By the time they get to me they have also disclosed serious sexual assault or rape. He won't change. You must safeguard your child and yourself. If he is determined to improve his behaviour he will do it without manipulating you or trying to guilt trip you. He will do it quietly and without ceremony. He isn't doing that, he is dragging you into his artificial attempts at change. Do not go back. You will likely never find it in you to leave again if you do or you will be going out in a bag while someone like @complaints goes into arrest him for your murder. Please seek help from DV services. The biggest risk to your child going forwards is to hide the abusive mans shameful behaviour from others. Get real life support to hold your resolve and not return. You can do this. You've done the hardest part already, don't wobble now.

WhatCFeryIsThis · 01/06/2020 15:48

If he's genuinely changed, he will stop blaming you for everything. So the fact that he's saying you being away is damaging the marriage, means he hasn't changed and is not changing. You're doing the right thing by staying away. His fear is that you'll realise that.

riolou · 01/06/2020 16:34

OP PLEASE DONT GO BACK!!!
I was in the same relationship! I was booted in the face with steel toe cap boots kicked my wisdom teeth out I had bags put over my head and tried to be suffocated , I had no feeling in myself I developed anxiety didn't go out my home for 4 years missed all my teenage years he cheated on me and I finally left but during that time he took programmes to help him I felt like there was no way out I was so happy he cheated on me so he left me! But let me tell you he had 7 months of program he was nice for a week and then that's it he was back to himself horrible! These programmes never help it stems more emotions up than ever and makes there head even more muddled which then stems anger towards the partner I advise you do not go back you will end up dead or worse off your child will get took , I was told if I didn't go social will remove my child. I reported it to the police and they helped me a bunch so police do help , I only got told that social will be involved before I reported it you will have your child taken away if anyone reports this on you without you doing it yourself believe me please.

Sn0tnose · 01/06/2020 16:41

Since having left, he has spoken to counsellors and psychiatrists briefly but wants me to go back home to support him to continue seeking help.

  1. Briefly?! He’s treated you so badly that you’ve left him and instead of doing everything in his power to fix it, he’s spoken to them briefly? ‘I broke my leg. I spoke to a doctor briefly‘. Doesn’t make sense, does it?
  2. You being there and supporting him before wasn’t enough to stop him hitting you before. Why would it be enough now?
  3. Why is the responsibility for him succeeding being dumped on you? If you’re not there, he’ll fail and it will all be your fault? If you are there and when he attacks you again (because he definitely will) it will be your fault because you’re not supporting him enough. He firmly believes that him being violent is always your fault. You can’t change that.
  4. He’s not changed in any way, yet he’s willing to risk your safety by having you back in the house when he could attack you again the first time he thinks you’ve done something wrong?

I’m not going to comment on whether a domestic abuser could change or whether he is telling the truth about getting help (I lied - he’s not going to change and he definitely hasn’t sought help from anywhere) but I can guarantee you one thing. If you go back, there is zero chance that he will try to get help for his violence.

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