To ask dp to conduct important meetings elsewhere

[Fedupmum13]

Dp and myself are both working from home with a 1 year old. She teething badly at the moment and typically most of the caring is being left to me. I have to do my work in the evenings and weekends or when she is sleeping basically.
It's a nightmare but everyone had to adapt etc.
We live in a 3 bedroomed house, but unfortunately no office space. As such DP is conducting his work on the kitchen table. Not a problem most if the time, except for when he has teams meetings. He probably had around 6 meetings a day, 5 of which are fairly informal and so if I come in to the kitchen with DD to feed her, or want to make myself lunch I'm not really interrupting much.
Dp has just shooed me out of the kitchen because I was making some tea (with DD in my arms) as he was having an important meeting with 6 others. After the call ended I asked if he could conduct important meetings in one of our bedrooms. He's just blown up at me and accused me of being unreasonable. Am I? I don't want to be effectively locked in the living room with DD when he has these meetings. They can last over an hour and it doesn't feel fair.
I had an important work meeting a few weeks back and I didn't hesitate in going upstairs. I've had a few others which I've done in the living room as they were casual, informal ones.
I wish I could just go and move in with my parents to be honest. Or for him to sod off to his dad's.

Would you temporarily be able to come to an arrangement with DSD's mother. If he goes to live 4 hours away the chances are that he won't be popping back for the weekends. Could you have DSD over a few weekends in exchange for a few half days babysitting. I imagine she will understand only too well how useless he is.

Remember that maintenance will lessen the financial impact and you could potentially take in a lodger for the spare room.

Subtleties are lost on this person. You need to tell him exactly what he is going to do and when, and what the consequences will be if he doesn’t (I’d start with that you’re going to see a solicitor and/ or the police if he doesn’t go). It’s your house- if you don’t want him there he goes. And make life uncomfortable for him in the meantime. If he’s worried about getting arrested, write a letter saying that it is your house and you have asked him to leave because of a relationship breakdown (even Pritti Patel has confirmed that it is acceptable to relocate in these circumstances). At the moment he doesn’t think you’re serious. Good luck.

If you think he'll kick up a huge fuss then, last resort, pack his stuff up whilst he's returning his DC and leave it in a secure place for him. (Garage? Locked porch?) and keep the door locked until you are able to get the locks changed. I know you won't want to do this, though.

This is the best it is going to get OP. No children around to be involved, plenty of time for him to get to his dad's (which you have already pre-arranged for him!) and set up before work starts back.

When a married couple split the house is equally owned so the legal ground on who lives where can be difficult to navigate. You have no issue there. You own the house and as such choose who is in it. You have implied, asked nicely, suggested and so on. You have a squatter who is bullying you and feels able to manipulate you into whatever he wishes. This man shows you nothing but contempt so there is every possibility his aggressive behaviour will escalate once you start to get up off the floor from under his feet.

You are not his mummy. By cajoling and leaving room for him to bully you relentlessly into what he wants you are actually making everything much worse and more volatile. If you make the decision and present him with a done deal then you remove the options he has to try to manipulate you physically as he has been.

Couples argue. Sometimes they need time apart. This is not unusual especially when children are involved. One party expressing a need for space and the other party using abuse to block that is not usual. This is your life and your house and your decision, not his, stop treating it like a negotiation.

Hope you've found the strength to get rid of him Op.

hes alllowed to drive somewhere and stay if there are arguments at home this rule was brough in a few weeks ago hes just making excuses

Hope you're doing ok OP, let us know.

Hi again, sorry for not posting sooner.
He's gone. He left just after stepchild went home (was picked up). He didn't make a fuss, just accepted that I needed space from him. Don't know how long for etc. But I'm just glad he's gone for now.
Thanks for all of the support, it's helped more than you'll know.

Round of applause OP and for you

Change the locks so you stay in charge of what happens next and get on to the relationships board if you need to talk.

Take some time to wash that right out of your hair.

Well done OP - fantastic news for you.

Oh so delighted to read this OP.

He's an awful partner.

Please don't allow him back in.

You deserve so much better.

I think when you have some time without him, you might feel some peace and enjoy it

Please get you locks changed.
This is your home.

Thank you. He hasn't taken his keys (separate set which I have with me). He took loads with him and I think is intending to stay for quite a while. I just need the time and space to figure out my next steps.

Glad he's gone for now, though he did seem to be under the impression that he's just getting out of your hair for a bit rather than you guys seperating?

Because the balance in your relationship is terrible and you seem to not want to challenge his behaviours, I worry that he won't see this as a big deal. I mean on one level, younger suggested he go somewhere quieter with less disturbance to work in total peace, whilst your continue to juggle everything by yourself. I just want to check that he didn't think you were doing him a favour by suggesting he leave?

Ok, slight cross posts there. Best of luck with everything.

Great news with the keys.👍
Enjoy the peace.

Well done @Fedupmum13.
He may very well try and return though, and will have his arguments ready. Eg: He loves you, his child misses you, you have a baby together... and he still has stuff at your place. You may want to pack the rest of his stuff up ready for him to collect to send him a strong message about what you actually want. Glad he left his set of keys.

You may well be lonely now but, honestly, he was of little value to either you or your daughter. I hope you and your baby the calmer atmosphere. 🌷🤗

Gosh op I’ve just got through this and so happy to see the ending. Another one who thinks your life would be simpler without him. It’s not adhd that makes him a selfish asshole! I’m actually not working right now, looking for work. While my dp was working from home he vacated the dining room for me to take calls re jobs and took or picked up the dc when I had early or late interviews. Now he’s working out of home so he will still take or pick up dc If I need or if he has a day at home. He does half of dinner bath bedtimes. Not boasting, just trying to show you how little he gives to your life.

OP your comment earlier really jumped out at me:

He does act like it's a performance, it's like he gets a hard on by having important meetings and me being able to listen to it. I earn about 16k more than him and in a more professional role but you know I don't need to conduct my meetings in front of him”

I think there’s some sort of power or ego thing going on here, and he’s enjoying being able to make things difficult for you. Especially if your role is more senior and you’re paid more, this is his chance to “get one over” and show you he’s the big man: “Listen to me and marvel, whilst I’m on my REALLY important meeting.”

In any case, he comes across really badly especially about he childcare.

Sorry OP I was so incensed at the terrible behaviour of your DP that I posted having only got to page 5 /6 of the thread. Having now read to the end I am so pleased to see he’s gone. Well done you. I wish you and your baby the very best.

Oh, so glad to hear he's gone! You will find life so much easier now. You were doing everything anyway, you've got this.

I'd still consider changing the locks though. If you google "yale barrel lock replacement" you'll see they're pretty cheap, and not too difficult to do yourself. It would just give peace of mind, in case he'd ever had copies made in anticipation of the day that you decided to no longer "put up with an awful lot from him."

and if you think there is any chance he is the sneaky type be sure all devices are unsynced and change passwords to banking/utilities/email/wifi etc. There have even been threads here where exiting 'D'P have placed cameras/recording devices etc.

He won't go so easily so please, please do what you can to shore up your confidence and assertiveness. He sees this as your overreacting and being dramatic and his doing you a favour by giving you space until you 'calm down' and he can go back to abusing you.

Please don't let that happen. He's not worth it. He'll never change.

Thank you all. I've not spoken to him, but his dad has text me asking how I am. I've told his dad that we can't be together but I've not laboured it. His dad lost his wife in December (and ex's mum) so it's been a difficult time for him already.
I'm hoping that ex will sort some accommodation out near to stepchild but that's not my problem right now. I need to try to get used to this new normal.
I haven't even told my family yet, everything has felt so crazy.

Well done Fed...what a woman👏👏

Get on to those who will support you.

You are a great woman👏👏👍

Sounds like a serial inseminator. The baby's been had and survived, so he doesn't need the incubator any more.

You deserve much better, OP. Serial inseminators are a whole thing, and they can be very sweet-talky right up until they have what they came for.