To ask dp to conduct important meetings elsewhere

[Fedupmum13]

Dp and myself are both working from home with a 1 year old. She teething badly at the moment and typically most of the caring is being left to me. I have to do my work in the evenings and weekends or when she is sleeping basically.
It's a nightmare but everyone had to adapt etc.
We live in a 3 bedroomed house, but unfortunately no office space. As such DP is conducting his work on the kitchen table. Not a problem most if the time, except for when he has teams meetings. He probably had around 6 meetings a day, 5 of which are fairly informal and so if I come in to the kitchen with DD to feed her, or want to make myself lunch I'm not really interrupting much.
Dp has just shooed me out of the kitchen because I was making some tea (with DD in my arms) as he was having an important meeting with 6 others. After the call ended I asked if he could conduct important meetings in one of our bedrooms. He's just blown up at me and accused me of being unreasonable. Am I? I don't want to be effectively locked in the living room with DD when he has these meetings. They can last over an hour and it doesn't feel fair.
I had an important work meeting a few weeks back and I didn't hesitate in going upstairs. I've had a few others which I've done in the living room as they were casual, informal ones.
I wish I could just go and move in with my parents to be honest. Or for him to sod off to his dad's.

Thanks so much for all of the supportive messages. It's really kind and helping me get through the day.
I do have a good relationship with step child's mum. Probably better than he does actually.. I'm sure she would let me see him still but I suspect it wouldn't be the same. Obviously it's not a reason to stay I know.
I've just come back from a long walk with DD and her trike. It was nice to get some headspace.
I asked myself the question, if I won an amount of money tomorrow, would I still stay? I don't think I would. Which makes me think I only stay for a little more financial stability.
I've said numerous times to him that I refuse to have DD growing up in an environment with any hostility or shouting or general dickishness from him.
Since this morning he's done his usual performance parenting for 5mins when I'm upstairs and quite clearly is trying to get me to 'thaw'. He's tried engaging in convo with me and it's clear I don't particularly want to talk unless it's something practical to do with DD. I just need space from him.
His dad will happily have him stay so I just need to keep telling him to go.

I wish you well OP - he’s not nice.

I've said numerous times to him that I refuse to have DD growing up in an environment with any hostility or shouting or general dickishness from him.

You say this but currently it’s just words. The fact is she IS growing up with his dickish behaviour.

I know it’s not easy for lots of reasons but imagine the feeling of lightness and ease waking up in a house where he doesn’t have any say.

He also sounds very much like he is enjoying showing you how important his work is, by setting up in the kitchen

I was thinking this is a way attention-seeking. It's like performance parenting, but with work.

Get a folding picnic table and set it up in the 3rd bedroom. It works fine for DP, and he has a monitor, laptop, separate keyboard and a headset.

We had one anyway, and DP works in there, in among all the junk and crap. I work on the kitchen table and when we have meetings I take the laptop into the living room so DP can make a cuppa without disturbing it.

We didn't really have time to think about how it was going to work, as we were on leave for 2 weeks and lockdown started the Monday we returned to work, but tbh I don't think we could have done any better. DP gets the spare room because he works f/t and I only do 17 hours.

What worries me more is his apparent notion that his work is more important than yours and that childcare is solely your responsibility and his throwing a tantrum when you try to negotiate a fairer arrangement.

He needs to shape up and stop acting like a cocklodger.

He's never going to change, Fedup. He really won't. He's getting you to thaw because he's used to this pattern of behaviour. You chose to stay, give him more chances and your DD will grow up with dickish behaviour because this is who he is. He even admits it to you - 'You have to put up with an awful lot from me.' Well, no, you don't. His ex didn't, either.

I'd keep telling him he needs to go to his dad's and also, just act like he's not there. He wants to work in the kitchen he can put up with everything.

'Fedup I'm in a meeting here.' 'That's why the table in the bedroom is cleared off. This is a communal area. You'll need to move on up.' And then crack on.

Yy, very telling, he doesn't 'blow up' at his colleagues, does he? Thought not.

@Earnsomething

He needs to blur the background and use a headset, then you can carry on as normal around him.

THIS! FGS are you being serious that he doesnt have a phone headset and you had to tiptoe around him just because he doesnt know how to use some basic devices? YANBU - btw! I might have poured the tea over his head!

@MummyToSteven

shopaholic - there's no easy answers I'm afraid. more a case of damage limitation. you know yourself that ending the affair now is the least painful option. Do you want to feel like this in a year's time? How would you cope if your husband found out and left you? If you feel that your relationship with dh is beyond help - and are not willing to have a finally stab with counselling etc, then you have two choices - stay for the sake of children, or go. You have seen this man 6 or 7 times at most. You can live without him.

THIS! FGS are you being serious that he doesnt have a phone headset and you had to tiptoe around him just because he doesnt know how to use some basic devices? YANBU - btw! I might have poured the tea over his head!

@Fedupmum13
Shouting and confrontation are not the only way in which a young child can suffer. Sometimes it’s the less obvious ways that cause the longest harm. It’s easy to understand that if you grew up watching violent arguments you may need some help. Not so easy to understand why you grew up always wanting to please with an inherent feeling of walking on eggshells. This raises the cortisol just as much as the violent arguments but can often leave the person thinking it’s somehow their fault as their parents never argued.
I’m not in anyway saying this will happen to your daughter however you have already fallen into the trap of ‘its too much hassle’. You are worth much more than this. Stop letting him diminish your feelings. If it was just about using the kitchen then of course don’t leave. It’s about his reaction to your perfectly reasonable requests and your acknowledgment that you are not happy with him. You don’t ask him to leave. If you want him to go tell him he has to leave.

Well I have meetings all day every day & I manage with a desk in my bedroom as do plenty of other people why can't he do that? What an utter idiot. I think you need to have a serious chat with him op. If you are the main earner as well you need time to do your job properly. You must be shattered

Thanks again for the comments.
I am shattered, I'm looking after DD all day (and still doing night feeds) and then am working all evening. He gets to play his x box or whatever he wants to do in the eve.
It's so not equal but when I've suggested a rota he can never give me a time. His meetings are littered through the day.
The absolute irony is that his boss is a woman with a ds the same age as DD. She manages to work all day, have multiple meetings etc. Because her husbands who also works full time supports her properly.
It's a joke.
Ive not spoken to him all day. He's sulking and stomping around the place. Humph

I'm sorry op but this isn't a relationship.

You are running yourself ragged by working ft, doing all the night feeds and all the parenting. He doesn't even have the good grace to be polite.

What stands out here is that he will know what you do and he's quite happy to let you do it.

Would a friend let you do everything you do, and just sit and watch AND complain when you have to use your own kitchen? Of course they wouldn't.

He has little regard or respect for you op. You'd be better placed living on your own with your dd. At least you'd get some down time this way. Plus you'd not have to watch him living the life of reily whilst you facilitate his lifestyle.

@copycopypaste you're right. I have so much resentment building up when I watch him get to work in the day and relax at night. I'd be happier if he wasnt here.
I texted his dad earlier to get the ball rolling with dp going there.

He's treating you like utter shit, and that's not how you treat someone you love.

You wouldn't treat a friend or a colleague like he treats you. frankly you'd get more respect from a stranger.

Given how he treats you, why are you even with him?

Have a think about the money he gives you for the mortgage? Is it actually paid to the mortgage or referenced as mortgage? You might be wanting to change that.

I agree.
He used to be respectful but it got lost somewhere along the line. I have supported him so much but none of that matters. He can be an absolute nightmare to be around.
He gives me a set amount each money which covers bills and mortgage. Just a standing order

Probably be okay then if you just say it's a contribution to living expenses. Don't let him pay for any renovations to house. I don't see a long future for you both if he doesn't change!

Tell him to LEAVE. REally, simple as that. Grey rock him. Tell him to LEAVE. And just do not respond or engage with him. He's a prick.

I texted his dad earlier to get the ball rolling with dp going there.

Excellent! What did his dad say?

They know he's a lazy sexist git, too, his family. This isn't the first time this has happened. 9/10, when a man already has kids and is NRP, there's a reason why the wife just got fed up with it and dumped him and become a single parent, that's why if you're childfree, avoid men who have kids already and if you do have them, be very careful about blending families, there's usually a very good reason why he's single and it's usually sexist laziness.

Get yourself some counselling after you get rid of him to boost your self esteem.

I can't believe you've allowed him to work everyday whilst you did all childcare. Then to sit around playing games all evening whilst you've had to work. Especially as you earn more. What has led you to allow yourself to be treated like that?
You should be alternating days of working with the child around/on an evening and when he leaves he can have the child alternate days so you can work.
Don't teach your daughter that women are worth so much less than men.

You will be so much happier without him OP.

His dad is concerned about him getting in trouble with the police for travelling so far. I didn't give his dad details about what was happening here, as it would only be a catylyst for more agro.
It's ridiculous that I've let it happen. Because he's so stroppy and sulky when I ask for something, somewhere along the line I've decided it's not worth the grief and just given in and accepted the situation. I have to go back to work for a few half days in a couple of weeks. The plan was that he would have DD then. He refuses to take more annual leave so will still be having meetings. Can't see that happening now so I'll be a bit stuffed for childcare.
I won't be engaging with him tomorrow. We have my stepchild tomorrow until Sunday evening. I'll play with them and do my best but I won't be giving in on this.

The not wanting to get in trouble sounds like an excuse, people are allowed to move out of the home in these circumstances. So has his dad said no?

Of course fine to play with your step child tomorrow, but don't do the work. Let him cook and clean and entertain him/her.

He hasn't said no, said he would let us figure it out. He would love him to stay as he's quite lonely. My 'd' p would also love it as he'd have even less parenting to do than he does now.
Yeh he can do the lions share tomorrow. I might even go for a walk by myself and not tell anyone. Like he did today. Could you imagine being able to do that without saying 'DD needs a nap in half an hour and then a feed etc etc.'. How nice it must be to be him and so care free.

Your house. Claim it.

Pack his stuff and fill his car. Order a new door lock.

If it is meant to be then you will be able to sort this out on a more equal footing. In the meantime you get some well needed breathing space to see what cocklodger free parenting is like.

To be clear stop asking or implying. Tell him his stuff is in the car and you will speak to him at his Dad's. Not a request.

"Because he's so stroppy and sulky when I ask for something, somewhere along the line I've decided it's not worth the grief and just given in and accepted the situation."

And that was why he did it.