To ask dp to conduct important meetings elsewhere

[Fedupmum13]

Dp and myself are both working from home with a 1 year old. She teething badly at the moment and typically most of the caring is being left to me. I have to do my work in the evenings and weekends or when she is sleeping basically.
It's a nightmare but everyone had to adapt etc.
We live in a 3 bedroomed house, but unfortunately no office space. As such DP is conducting his work on the kitchen table. Not a problem most if the time, except for when he has teams meetings. He probably had around 6 meetings a day, 5 of which are fairly informal and so if I come in to the kitchen with DD to feed her, or want to make myself lunch I'm not really interrupting much.
Dp has just shooed me out of the kitchen because I was making some tea (with DD in my arms) as he was having an important meeting with 6 others. After the call ended I asked if he could conduct important meetings in one of our bedrooms. He's just blown up at me and accused me of being unreasonable. Am I? I don't want to be effectively locked in the living room with DD when he has these meetings. They can last over an hour and it doesn't feel fair.
I had an important work meeting a few weeks back and I didn't hesitate in going upstairs. I've had a few others which I've done in the living room as they were casual, informal ones.
I wish I could just go and move in with my parents to be honest. Or for him to sod off to his dad's.

This is so easily fixable! (And I don't particularly see the need to break up over this)
Here is what we did (in the FIRST week of lockdown):

• Our "spare box room" had a (cheap, secondhand) bed in it - we realised that nobody will be coming to stay for the rest of the year, most likely - so called the council to collect it dissassembled from the front garden
• husband bought a cheap computer table from Amazon, and he now has his office in there.
• He moved a nice armchair into the corner for reading
• He even put up a couple of bookshelves and wall art, to make it look nice for Zoom meetings

Voila! Everyone happy. I have the run of the kitchen for meals/kids etc and he has peace and quiet.

You have to bear in mind that working from home may well continue for some months.... so office space should probably take priority over having a spare bedroom

I'd strongly recommend a headset/noise cancelling headphones with a mic so even if you are in there, it won't be so loud to the rest of his call as headphones with mic tend to remove background noise much more effectively than a laptop's mic. Plus he won't find you being in the room so distracting as he will barely be able to hear you with earbuds in. But he can just use any normal phone aux headphones into his laptop, they all have microphones these days on the cable. Do you not have a pair lying around?

I'd also just tell him you will use the kitchen when you need to, and he can go on mute when you are in there. If he's not happy with that, the bedroom is there.

But sounds like the bigger issue is he sees childcare as your job and your work as less important. Does he earn way more than you in which case you could argue this is justified (although if you aren't married then money isn't so much shared money, so maybe not)? If not, this needs to change. You should just tell him between 9-1 you will look after DC and between 1-5 is his slot...

although he'd have some sorts of rights as he gives me half the mortgage each month

No, unless you had specifically agreed to give him rights to the property, the courts would see this as being rent, and not intended to give rise to beneficial interest in the property.

BTL tenants often pay the whole of their tenants mortgage (and then some) yet never derive any rights over the property.

Your DP is there solely as a guest at your invitation - you would only have to give him 'reasonable notice' to move out. The courts would probably interpret as somewhere between a week and a month.

whole of their landlord's mortgage

We have a bed in our small bedroom for when my bf's son when they stay. But they are only there at weekends, usually just one night (& not at all through lockdown) so I've put my desk in there, to be away from my DD11 when shes doing schoolwork at the dining table. Working alongside her did not go well. When they can come & stay again I'll clear my laptop etc out of the way for the weekend. Even when I'm back at work I'll still be working at home too. The room needs to be used for 2 purposes. Is there any way you can do this with your 3rd bedroom?

I'd just like to pick up on a comment you made, OP: you said that, as a person you are quite submissive. This is very telling. It's this attitude that has landed you in this mess. Why do feel you are submissive? What in your upbringing has led you to adopt such a dangerous mode of interacting with your partner?

I would also recommend you read The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Barden.

You and your DC deserve so much more!

With regards to your step DD do you have much of a relationship with her Mother?

One of my brothers was married and had 3DC of his own when he got married for the second time and his wife had a DD of her own,my brother and sil spilt up after a few years but my brother is still very much in his step daughters life and him and his ex wife have now been spilt up longer than they were together.

He is Grandad to her DC and he walked her down the aisle when she got married,he treats her the same as all of his DC,the whole family treat her exactly the same.

So depending on what your step DD wants and how her Mum feels about it you may still be able to have a relationship with her.

If you can't I can only imagine how hard that would be because you obviously love her alot I think you'd still need to make the right decision for your DD and yourself.

Can he sit in the car? That's what we do when one of us has a very important call.

He might be 'The Great I Am' at work, but he shouldn't behave like that at home as well. Twat.

Give him a choice. You each do half a day of working and half a day of child care and whoever has the working half does it out of the kitchen or you will spend more time thinking about the future.

Why does he get to blow up at you? The first time that happened you should have left him in no doubt he was never to speak to you like that again.

I clicked yabu by mistake. He's being an arse. Yanbu.

He expects a 1 year old to wait an hour for lunch rather than him move rooms? Employers are a lot more understanding of children interrupting meetings at the moment in any case.

My husband earns roughly twice what I earn. He converted my dressing table to a desk and works there and I work downstairs (he is on the phone a lot more and needs it to be quieter). Despite him earning more, we are both working equal hours - me mornings him afternoons and both of us catching up evenings and weekends. Otherwise it is grossly unfair on the person who has to work and look after young children because depending on the child it can be impossible. If he can't share things 50 50 or even anything approaching his fair share then what's the point of him?

He’s a dick.
You are allowed to relocate in this situation- i.e. he can bugger off to his dads and see how he likes it.
We could all be working like this for the rest of the year so you need to stand up for yourself and set some boundaries.
If all he does is cook, buy some frozen meals and get shot of this nasty lazy man.

He thinks because he says he knows you have to put up with a lot means you will carry on doing so. You should accept this crumb from the lord and master .

It's your house, nothing in writing, the money he gives you is rent not half the mortgage, he is a shit parent, a shit partner, a shit person.

You'd be better off in every way if you left him tbh.

So he shouts at you and you back down?

Is he going to hit you, smash stuff up?

He sounds horrible.

Why are you doing all the child care when you are also working from home anyway? Cos he has such an important "man job"?! Ugh.

Well isn't he an abusive prick!

You and your child deserve so much more.

ADHD is not an excuse to be so volatile towards you. Does he shout at his work colleagues the way he blows up at you?

You can still see your stepchild after you split up. My DCs are still in contact with their stepmother 15 years after she and my exh broke up.

I'm still in touch with my dad's ex-wife and they split up 10 years ago, so it is possible to continue the relationship.

I'd tell him he needs to leave if the house is yours, and if he says no call the police to have him removed. It sounds like you'd be happier.

You own the house, you earn £16k more than him but you're doing all the childcare, working until 11pm and you can't go into the kitchen when you want to feed your child?

You need to talk to him. If he's as selfish and arrogant as you say, be prepared for it not to go well.

My DH has always worked from home and I've had two babies.

He turned the 4th bedroom into an office but in your circumstances I'd say you should make your bedroom into his office.

This is a 'give and take' situation. He keeps out of your way and you do your best to keep the kids quite when he's on a conference call. My girls grew up knowing that they couldn't shout in the house.

Sorry I've just seen that there's more to this situation that working arrangements. Ignore my previous post.

My DH has transformed our previously calm bedroom into his messy office space - be careful what you wish for.

I meanwhile am working in the office nook just of the dining / kitchen so am frequently interrupted by DS. I don't care - most of my colleagues don't mind when I am called away for 5 minutes to assist with home learning or prevent a meltdown - and if they do tough shit. This is my

Sorry that should read - This is my reality ...