To ask dp to conduct important meetings elsewhere

[Fedupmum13]

Dp and myself are both working from home with a 1 year old. She teething badly at the moment and typically most of the caring is being left to me. I have to do my work in the evenings and weekends or when she is sleeping basically.
It's a nightmare but everyone had to adapt etc.
We live in a 3 bedroomed house, but unfortunately no office space. As such DP is conducting his work on the kitchen table. Not a problem most if the time, except for when he has teams meetings. He probably had around 6 meetings a day, 5 of which are fairly informal and so if I come in to the kitchen with DD to feed her, or want to make myself lunch I'm not really interrupting much.
Dp has just shooed me out of the kitchen because I was making some tea (with DD in my arms) as he was having an important meeting with 6 others. After the call ended I asked if he could conduct important meetings in one of our bedrooms. He's just blown up at me and accused me of being unreasonable. Am I? I don't want to be effectively locked in the living room with DD when he has these meetings. They can last over an hour and it doesn't feel fair.
I had an important work meeting a few weeks back and I didn't hesitate in going upstairs. I've had a few others which I've done in the living room as they were casual, informal ones.
I wish I could just go and move in with my parents to be honest. Or for him to sod off to his dad's.

Are you happy with him?

I'd leave, you earn more, you already do 99% childcare......he is just a cocklodger at this point.

Your child has two parents.

Fucked if I would be enabling this shit. My instinct would be to babycrash every single meeting until shared care was in place and both jobs equally respected.

So you both work ft?
You earn more?
You do all childcare of shared child?
You do all childcare for his child?
You do all/most housework?
You do all/most cooking?

Yup, definitely sounds fair to me

@mrsm43s I totally agree, it is rude to interrupt meetings. Obviously I have no choice of I need to get my DD something to eat for example. He has the choice to work elsewhere. Our bedroom has a dressing table which is completely clear - I've suggested he use it.

@Merryoldgoat it's a good question. I don't think I am really. I try not to think too deeply about it :(

@Gurning I feel the same sometimes. I've been in my stepchilds life for 7 years though, I don't think I could walk away. Stepchild is nearly 8.

@Stoptouchingyourfacedave I feel beaten down by the amount of times I've tried to put in places a rota. He's has meetings so sporadically it feels impossible.

Both me and DH are working from home right now. We also have a 1 year old DD! We have stair gates top and bottom of the stairs, I work upstairs, DH works downstairs. I work 8-4, he works 10-6 as we've both had to adapt as best we can to childcare and very busy f/t jobs.

His work will have to understand if a little one interrupts internal meetings, neither of ours have much choice! We are on mute in work meetings unless I'm having to speak and we try to manage locking DD using gates or going into the garden if one of us has an important external call we genuinely need peace for. Every call does not demand total silence.

I'd be speaking to him about trying to adapt his hours too and telling him that you need some down time too, why should you be shouldering all the care for your child? Let child run free, don't accommodate him and his tantrums, use kitchen when you need to and if he doesn't like it he knows he can go upstairs. Pandering to him will just validate his belief his wants are more important than your needs - they aren't. Good luck OP!

@MostlyHappyMummy he does all cooking of our evening meal. He has bathed DD probably 5 times in a year. But then as he cooks I can't really complain about that. He wonders why she is so 'clingy' with me but does sod all about trying to really bond with her.

Bloody hell. Buy a small desk for one of the bedrooms and draw up a childcare roster. He’s clearly an arsehole but that doesn’t mean you should put up with it. It’s pretty clear why his other child’s mother didn’t want him around.

FFS you need access to the kitchen as and when. He should move permanently to a bedroom. He sounds like a selfish prick with that attitude.

Thanks @lynzpynz. Our DD isn't walking yet and sometimes I have to chuck little baby bums on Netflix to reply to more urgent emails. It's a juggling act for sure. He should be doing more, but when I bring it up we argue. He may as well not really be here!

What's he for, exactly?

Send him to the car. Cocklodger.

This is so so unfair for you! He sounds like an absolute dick, you're running around like a blue arsed fly and he keeps you compliant by kicking off if you complain. Arsehole!

It will probably be difficult to change the status quo because you've enabled his behaviour by not wanting confrontation.
Only you know whether it's worth continuing in a relationship where the balance is so skewed towards his needs.
Over time the resentment will destroy it anyway but you may well waste many more years as a facilitator to his life before that happens.
Do you not feel you deserve more than this?

He is being a dick. I hate bringing things up as he is so defensive and argumentative.
He's very recently received a diagnosis of Adhd and he's now trying out a prescribed medication. So things are even more fun than usual.
I wish I had a bigger house so there was more escape from him and his mood swings and general dickish behaviour.

@MostlyHappyMummy I put up with an awful lot. I do deserve more, but I just put up with it. I'm sure there are thousands out there like me :( I just allow him to be a dick, because he apologises afterwards. I will say though that I'm edging more towards ending the relationship than I've even been before. Lockdown has opened my eyes to his ways.

[quote Fedupmum13]@mrsm43s I totally agree, it is rude to interrupt meetings. Obviously I have no choice of I need to get my DD something to eat for example. He has the choice to work elsewhere. Our bedroom has a dressing table which is completely clear - I've suggested he use it.

@Merryoldgoat it's a good question. I don't think I am really. I try not to think too deeply about it :(

@Gurning I feel the same sometimes. I've been in my stepchilds life for 7 years though, I don't think I could walk away. Stepchild is nearly 8.

@Stoptouchingyourfacedave I feel beaten down by the amount of times I've tried to put in places a rota. He's has meetings so sporadically it feels impossible.[/quote]
Given that you have a dressing table clear to work at in your bedroom, then all work need to be done there. A rota of who is working at the desk needs to be drawn up, with the other parent doing childcare, so you both get a chunk of uninterrupted work time. Should obviously be split equally between you both, assuming both jobs can be done flexibly.

So yes, he's being a twat.

DH is wfh and a couple of days in when he was having teams meetings in the dining room, I just said you will have to go upstairs or in the caravan on the drive, I couldn’t stand it any more. We took the portable table out of the touring caravan and he now works on that in the bedroom, no ifs no buts, he is staying in there

YANBU

How is his job more important if you are the breadwinner? He should be supporting your job and caring for his own child more. If he wants a 1950s set up he needs to pull his finger out and earn significantly more

Is his Dad clinically vulnerable? Is there a reason why he can’t move in with him for a while? You’re allowed to move to another house if you’ve had an argument with the occupants of your current house, for a “cooling-off period”.

So tell him to sod off for a bit and see how you get on.

You seriously need to leave him, he’s a disrespectful selfish waste of space. DO NOT for goodness sake get pregnant again. I’m so bloody frustrated reading about women who do fucking everything and just sigh and accept it. This is the reason women are fucked in the workplace. Please please stand up for yourself and your daughter and don’t bloody stand for it!!

Sorry that was a bit sweary

I’m just so utterly frustrated reading shit like this.

You’re expectations aren’t too low.

My DH does all the cooking. Food shopping. Bathes kids half the time. Puts them to bed. Shared overnights when they were waking in the night even when working and I was on mat leave. Does housework. Shares all money and savings etc.

Frankly this should be a given.

Find your anger, your steel and stop this nonsense.

Have you ever lost it right back at him? You shouldn’t have to but maybe it will help.

The fact he has space he could go to says working for him is a performance - ‘look how important my job is, look how many meetings I’m in, look at the space I’m taking up’

I could not put up with this shit for a day.

YOUR expectations ARE too low

Cunting autocorrect

If it helps to know:

Dh earns massively more than me in a job that involves meetings all bloody day. He has noise-cancelling headphones, sits so that the camera doesn’t face the room, and will move to a bedroom if it’s a meeting that needs privacy. He has just got a noise decibel monitor on his phone running so that he can try to talk more quietly (because his “hear me across a large meeting room” voice was driving me bonkers). If I’m in a meeting or go out he’ll take over looking after the kids (they’re teenagers but one has unpredictable medical needs).

It’s is possible to WFH, parent, and not be a dick.