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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask dp to conduct important meetings elsewhere

240 replies

Fedupmum13 · 29/05/2020 11:05

Dp and myself are both working from home with a 1 year old. She teething badly at the moment and typically most of the caring is being left to me. I have to do my work in the evenings and weekends or when she is sleeping basically.
It's a nightmare but everyone had to adapt etc.
We live in a 3 bedroomed house, but unfortunately no office space. As such DP is conducting his work on the kitchen table. Not a problem most if the time, except for when he has teams meetings. He probably had around 6 meetings a day, 5 of which are fairly informal and so if I come in to the kitchen with DD to feed her, or want to make myself lunch I'm not really interrupting much.
Dp has just shooed me out of the kitchen because I was making some tea (with DD in my arms) as he was having an important meeting with 6 others. After the call ended I asked if he could conduct important meetings in one of our bedrooms. He's just blown up at me and accused me of being unreasonable. Am I? I don't want to be effectively locked in the living room with DD when he has these meetings. They can last over an hour and it doesn't feel fair.
I had an important work meeting a few weeks back and I didn't hesitate in going upstairs. I've had a few others which I've done in the living room as they were casual, informal ones.
I wish I could just go and move in with my parents to be honest. Or for him to sod off to his dad's.

OP posts:
REignbow · 30/05/2020 11:24

Don’t ASK but TELL him to leave. Like PP have said, you are a single parent anyway.

I also, wouldn’t concern yourself where he goes, he is a grown man.

Personally, I’d be putting his things into liners and putting that into the room his DC sleeps in. Why should you share a bed, with this abusive prick.

highmarkingsnowbile · 30/05/2020 11:37

So parenting his child and asking him when he's leaving. He's going nowhere and never will as long as you keep dancing round him and enabling him. He needs to be told he needs to leave. And parent his own kids. He found you when his child was a baby after his ex threw him out for exactly what he's doing now, FA.

SunshineCake · 30/05/2020 11:39

Since he's so pathetic while he is out I'd pack his stuff. Stick it on the doorstep. Tell him it is there so he can spend time elsewhere with his son and then pick up his stuff and go straight to his dad's. He won't voluntarily go as he's allowing you your tantrum and then you are to get back in your box.

KingOfDogShite · 30/05/2020 11:43

DH wfh and of I ever have a nose at who he’s on a call with a large number of them are obviously in their bedrooms. He shouldn’t be working in your personal space. Blow right up and him back, the selfish arse.

KingOfDogShite · 30/05/2020 11:49

Missed a page -

Well done on making the decision now kick him out today and if he won’t call the police and ask them if I remove him.

Cherrysoup · 30/05/2020 11:50

No, you don’t ask, you TELL him he’s going to his dad’s. He’s ridiculously unsupportive. I don’t see the point of him being there.

Rather than behaving like a sulky child, all he has to do is put the chair he uses upstairs. He’s being an idiot. You’re having to tip toe round your own house and do all the childcare for his 2 kids! I just wouldn’t. Go out, have some time to yourself.

highmarkingsnowbile · 30/05/2020 11:55

Oh, the ex's are always a nightmare Hmm. Your bar is lower than latrine level. This guy had a 6-month-old baby and instead of fighting for his family he went off bloody dating and actually found someone to take him on when he had an infant. And she had no kids, more money, a house and was willing to not only give him the time of day but also put up with his abusive crap. It's like all his Christmases came at once.

You won't do anything with his kid there so the whole weekend will be his sulking and giving you the silent treatment. He's emotionally abusive. But hopefully if you one day actually manage to lever him out, do not date again until you have some major counselling and work on your self-esteem because until then you're a sitting duck for dickheads like this.

Boireannachlaidir · 30/05/2020 12:11

Oh gosh poor you OP just reading how he "blew up at you" was it for me. I don't know how you manage to look after your DD do your job and deal with his shit. He sounds selfish and nasty. I hope you can get rid of him sooner rather than later.

LemonDrizzles · 30/05/2020 12:13

I can relate. Not sure if this type would ever offer to help give breakfast to little one. You may have to explicitly ask for help.

"I need help". Typical first response may be some excuse as to why he can't. This may go on for a while before he lifts a finger in a way that actually contributes...

DPotter · 30/05/2020 17:50

Agree with others - don't ask - tell. You may need to help him on his way by putting his stuff in bin bags and changing the locks.

NoSquirrels · 30/05/2020 18:04

I’m so sorry, OP.

Was coming on to suggest that the most important thing he needs to do is just TELL HIS BOSS that he is unavailable for meetings during certain times, as he is sharing care of a baby as you also work FT.

However, I’ve seen it’s more than that. Good luck getting some space to think.

Original poster
Fedupmum13 · 30/05/2020 21:20

Hi, sorry, haven't had much time to log on today.
He's still here, he won't go anywhere as he's worried about getting caught driving somewhere.
I've done all of the care for DD today and he's played outside with stepchild all day. DD is teething badly so it has been exhausting today. He offered to swap with me earlier but I was just about to put her down for her nap, so he had a strop about that and told me that I'm a martyr.
He texted me an essay about how his adhd makes him have emotional outbursts etc. And how I'm also to blame and things aren't black and white.
I told him I just want to feel respected and to be spoken to like he speaks to everyone else. And to be listened to.
He spent the rest of the day huffing so that I could clearly hear him and being generally irritated by everything.
I hate having him around when he's like this. The atmosphere is shit and I feel on pins.

OP posts:
highmarkingsnowbile · 30/05/2020 21:27

He's still here, he won't go anywhere as he's worried about getting caught driving somewhere.

But he drove to get his child. He's giving you excuses, you're allowed to drive somewhere due to relationship arguments. He knows this, too. He will need to be told he needs to leave. But of course, he knows he can manipulate you.

He offered to swap with me earlier but I was just about to put her down for her nap, so he had a strop about that and told me that I'm a martyr.
He texted me an essay about how his adhd makes him have emotional outbursts etc. And how I'm also to blame and things aren't black and white.

To swap? He's incapable of fucking parenting both his children at once?

My son has ADHD, he's a teenager, he knows damn well that it is not an excuse to act like a dick. This man is an adult, it's another excuse to emotionally abuse you. Because, surprise, surprise, he only does this to you. He knows exactly what he's doing.

He's emotionally abusive. There's no coming back from this. And he needs to be told to go.

Quartz2208 · 30/05/2020 21:28

He is allowed to drive - it is perfectly in the rules. You need to simply tell him to leave

Original poster
Fedupmum13 · 30/05/2020 21:34

Thanks.
I know, I don't want to cause a scene in front of stepchild. We have them until tomorrow evening so I'll try to get some courage for then.

OP posts:
Didiplanthis · 30/05/2020 21:39

I have ADHD. Yes it can be hard to control your emotions but not impossible. Having ADHD does not mean you treat other people like crap.

Original poster
Fedupmum13 · 30/05/2020 21:44

I agree. He completely knows that too, but he'd rather throw it in an argument to get sympathy or downplay what he's doing.

OP posts:
Babyboomtastic · 30/05/2020 23:24

Just to be clear, are you sending him to his dad's for just the duration of this crisis or because you are seperating - I can't quite tell?

REignbow · 31/05/2020 00:38

He knows that he can leave. He is choosing not to, in order to wear you down.

@Fedupmum13, you’ll have to get brave. Although, I understand not wanting to do this when his DC is visiting, you can do this when he drops the child back. Tell him not to return. I’d be inclined to get help, with friends and family.

FlyAwayLikeABird · 31/05/2020 00:43

I'd keep disturbing him until he got the hint that hes in the way

Euclid · 31/05/2020 00:55

He sounds awful. Leave him. He clearly doesn't appreciate you and your contribution.

copycopypaste · 31/05/2020 06:42

So he's made a half arsed go at apologising but hasn't taken any responsibility for his actions, blamed his adhd and you. Then insulted you later in the by calling you a martyr and is still sulking. Hardly the actions of a man who's trying to make amends. As for him parenting the dc, well that is his job so hardly going above and beyond Hmm

I still stand by what I said earlier that he's got no respect and is happy for you to do all the parenting, homeschooling and housework and doesn't even have the good grace to pretend to be appreciative.

Of course he doesn't want to go to his dads, he might actually have to act like a grown up whilst he's there

REignbow · 31/05/2020 07:37

@Fedupmum13 google DARVO, because that’s what he is doing

Happynow001 · 31/05/2020 07:49

Goodness OP - I do feel angry on your behalf - it sounds as though you have found your own anger, born from the pure frustration of having such a selfish person as your partner.

From what you say about his previous relationship it sounds he's learned nothing - or just doesn't care to. Because, look, he's got YOU taking up all the responsibility he should be sharing. Thank goodness you are NOT married to him and are in a good financial position.

You do need to be much more assertive though, because he is well and truly taking advantage of you. Also I believe he IS allowed to move out under these circumstances- where he moves to is his concern. Check the www.Gov.uk website. Living together such strained circumstances is not good for you, particularly as you are doing the lion's share of the work.

You should definitely not have to be finishing your work so late because he's such a selfish "look-at-me" manchild.

Today I'm going to try to have a nice day with DD and stepchild and ask him again when he's going to his dad's.
Actually don't ask him - TELL him. Give him a very short deadline (after his DC goes) and make him stick to it.

If you think he'll kick up a huge fuss then, last resort, pack his stuff up whilst he's returning his DC and leave it in a secure place for him. (Garage? Locked porch?) and keep the door locked until you are able to get the locks changed. I know you won't want to do this, though.

Glad you get on with his child's mother do you will still get to see them. Perhaps you are able to provide that DC with a tablet so you can video call them?

Whatever you decide good luck - I'm sorry you are being driven to this. 🌹

Isthisit22 · 31/05/2020 08:06

Hope you find your strength today.
You gain nothing from this relationship--he gains everything. Don't be someone's slave. A genuinely good person would not allow another person to work themselves into the ground whilst they watched and did nothing.
He is not a good person.
Thank god you are not married. Tell him to go and get on with your life.