To ask dp to conduct important meetings elsewhere

[Fedupmum13]

Dp and myself are both working from home with a 1 year old. She teething badly at the moment and typically most of the caring is being left to me. I have to do my work in the evenings and weekends or when she is sleeping basically.
It's a nightmare but everyone had to adapt etc.
We live in a 3 bedroomed house, but unfortunately no office space. As such DP is conducting his work on the kitchen table. Not a problem most if the time, except for when he has teams meetings. He probably had around 6 meetings a day, 5 of which are fairly informal and so if I come in to the kitchen with DD to feed her, or want to make myself lunch I'm not really interrupting much.
Dp has just shooed me out of the kitchen because I was making some tea (with DD in my arms) as he was having an important meeting with 6 others. After the call ended I asked if he could conduct important meetings in one of our bedrooms. He's just blown up at me and accused me of being unreasonable. Am I? I don't want to be effectively locked in the living room with DD when he has these meetings. They can last over an hour and it doesn't feel fair.
I had an important work meeting a few weeks back and I didn't hesitate in going upstairs. I've had a few others which I've done in the living room as they were casual, informal ones.
I wish I could just go and move in with my parents to be honest. Or for him to sod off to his dad's.

btw I 100% predict that if all carries on as is then when you want to go back into work as planned he will make damn sure he doesn't get left with the baby one way or another. He will be ill or make you fear for her safety or have a big tantrum and storm off - chances are no matter how it plays out you will be left looking for a childcare solution at the risk of your job and sanity.

This is your life and I know it is easy for me to judge and tell you what I think (with no risk to me) but having seen similar over and over I thank the internet for giving women in this situation the gift of clarity from those who have been there. You have options. You can choose how you live. He has made you feel unworthy of choosing - it's a lie, stop allowing him that power over your mind and life. Boil it down to a couple of very clear yes/no questions.

Do you want to still be his housekeeper in a week, a year, a decade, the rest of your life?

Is he going to have an epiphany in the next 48hrs and wake up a different man (polite, resourceful, loving, admirable, effective) on monday morning?

I am going through a similar thing with my other half, although he's working from home full time and I am a SAHM with a 17 month toddler. Sooner these offices open back up the better, I've had enough! They are saying the people are going to be working from home until Christmas so I suggest you change it sooner rather than later. I am making changes now, take care Xx

I’m glad to read that you are waking up to his bullshit. He is abusive, he uses sulking/moods to get you to do what he wants. The fact that he chooses to work in the kitchen, to inconvenience you and that he doesn’t share in the parenting is telling you what a future will be like with him.

You’ll need to stand firm, to get him out. He’ll try to hoover/love bomb you to get you back.

After this amount of time, and with no end in sight to home working, he needs to turn the spare bedroom into an office with a desk and chair. He will find it more productive and you will want to hurt him less.

Hurt him less

@TSSDNCOP, the OP is working and can only do it when their child is sleeping.

All the OP’s (hopefully soon to be ex) DP does is to make the OP’s life harder. If she complains, then he sulks and shouts at her.

The only person being hurt by another persons behaviour is the OP and more importantly, the shared child they have.

Give him 1 day to: set up in the bedroom to work. Block out his diary for parenting 50% of the time.
If he can’t do that, get rid.
Makes me so upset that women put up with this absolute shit. Be categorical and unmoving. Fuck his ‘waiting for you to thaw’ bullshit. You are worth so much more.

He sounds abusive op. Yanbu.

I don’t get why 3rd bedroom that the step child is only in at the weekends can’t be his office in the week?!

I don't understand why he isn't working in your bedroom? Myself and DH both work full-time from home; we have crammed an extra desk in our bedroom for him and repurposed my dressing table as a desk for me. It's not a forever solution but it works for now. We have two toddlers and it makes no sense to use the (open plan) living area as an office and have the kids shut away in their bedrooms - I really can't understand what the thinking there!

From your updates, though, it sounds like this is just the tip of the iceberg. He sounds like an utter arse and I'd be questioning what exactly he is contributing to both of your lives.

OP If it helps, here (me, DH, two kids) it is normal for us to negotiate over who gets the room with the desk, and whoever doesn’t uses headphones and mocks up something with a blanket to make the background neutral (work laptop too crap to do virtual backgrounds). It’s normal for DH to block out time in his work diary to cover some of my working hours, and for me to do the same, so we both get maximum working in peace time. It’s normal for DH to feed, play with and educate the kids when he’s on duty, not ask me what to do or just leave them on screens. You’re not asking for anything unreasonable- don’t let him gaslight you into thinking you are.

I can relate. If he has important meetings, tell him to put in a shared calendar. He is wrong to shush you. Best of luck

What was the plan for childcare care when you went back to work (before COVID?) Is that a possibility now or soon? My DDs nursery is opening up on 1st June.

Another voice confirming that me and DH, both professional, block our diaries and share childcare nearly 50 50 but the one who earns about 30% more gets first refusal on slots for very important meetings.

He would not dream of behaving like your DH. I am pretty shocked to read it.

But this isn’t about WFH/parenting is it?

It’s about his entitled attitude, his superiority complex and the fact that he treats you with disdain. He’s perfectly fine whilst for you to juggle parenting and your own FT job, whilst he lords it and sits back and relaxes.

As I said upthread, he’s abusive. You have already modified your behaviour, in order to avoid him arguing/shouting or his moodiness and sulking.

This will only get worse OP. Tell him to go. You are lucky that it’s your home and legally he does not have a right to stay there.

Also, ask that this thread be moved to relationships.

whilst you

The relationship with the mum of his first child ended when the child was less than a year old?

Morning.
In terms of childcare, DD was meant to be starting nursery. I did 5 settling in sessions before lockdown and obviously ill now have to start them again. Nursery has said we can't do proper settling in sessions now as I'm not allowed in their premises due to covid. I'm only back for 3 half days and the rest is remote until at least September.
Yes him and stepchilds mum broke up when child was 6 months old. I know her pretty well now and she's a nightmare (seen first hand) but yeh, he wasn't blameless and actually at the time was probably going through postnatal. I didn't meet him until child was 9 months old.
The more of your comments I read and the more I think, the more I realise how ludicrous this set up is that I've now passively enabled. I've had a few meltdowns where I can't cope anymore over the last couple of months, but he can't cope with me being upset or failing in anyway. He's just shit.
This morning I've come down with DD, had a bad night where she was awake for a few hours in pain with teeth. He was playing x box. Obviously no offer of 'I'll give her breakfast, go and have a shower'. He's giving me the silent treatment because I'm pissed off at him. He always does it. He can't just apologise and be contrite.
He's just gone to get stepchild so I'll have to have breakfast/shower when DD naps. I'm doing this by myself anyway, him being her just adds mess and stress.

These kind of situations don't just happen overnight, as you've recognised you've passively let him chip away at you until you've ended up with your current position where's he's catered for and you've tied yourself in knots to work round him. It will have happened so gradually you've not even noticed to some extent. You are already a single parent, with a cocklodger denying you access to your kitchen when you need it and blowing up at you when you question him. Bet you don't get to watch TV either as he's zoned into his game station.

Such a shame your curious baby managed to break /spill something on his game station whilst he was out as well...

OP, you know he's a nasty selfish abusive man.

You know this.

You have life decisions to make.

First one.
Ask him to leave.

Wishing you strength.

@lynzpynz oh don't tempt me!
I bought another TV for upstairs so I actually get to watch some for when he's watching football or playing x box.
He's behaving like a child. Today I'm going to try to have a nice day with DD and stepchild and ask him again when he's going to his dad's.

Good for you OP, keep your resolve to get him to go to his dad's and don't let him wear you down with silent treatment or abuse. He's used to using silence to get his own way, he's taught you to seethe as he knows confronting him means he just yells till the problem gets buried / you find a way round it and he has to change nothing. And he gets child free quiet time to play his games whilst you seethe - bonus! Apologies after the fact (if they come at all) are not sufficient if he just rinses and repeats the behaviour.

You deserve soooo much better than this OP, you deserve a partner who respects and cares for you as an equal. YOU are a catch - you have your own home, a good job and are clearly a skilled multi-tasker who bends over backwards for others. You don't need a partner full stop so if you choose to have one at least have one who brings to your table, you can communicate like an adult with and ultimately makes you and your little one happy.

You're already a single parent. It's unfortunate this happened just after your mat leave, before you had a chance to reset expectations of who would be doing childcare.

I think you might need to be more blunt with him. YOU are the main breadwinner. YOUR work takes priority. If anyone's job has to be flexed around the children, it's HIS.

Make it simple for him - he can choose to take his child in the mornings or the afternoons.

I notice that 5/6 of his daily meetings are informal. Loads of people have kids in the background of my work meetings. He might need to have his child on his knee for some of them. Or ask to move meetings to the half of the day he doesn't have childcare.

My husband and I both work FT and we split the day down the middle. In the morning childcare is my responsibility, and in the afternoon it's his. We try to schedule our work around this pattern, but it's not always possible and we've both had to juggle meetings while looking after children. Obviously we're both flexible and cover each other's time when we can, but that would probably be a slippery slope with you DH.

Also, start a rota for the breakfast shift - whoever dealt with your child overnight gets to lie-in while the other person sorts out her breakfast. No playing on the xbox while you do all of it.

"Today I'm going to try to have a nice day with DD and stepchild and ask him again when he's going to his dad's."

Don't ask. TELL.

I would be sending him to his dads. No ifs or buts. He is a nasty piece of work and is creating a stressful situation for you and your baby. He may pay half the mortgage however I would suggest you look at your finances. The house is yours, how much rent would he have paid anyway in the area and bills etc and see if you still think you owe him anything? Where I live the rental in the area is extortianate and my neighbour pays double my mortgage payments to live here. Your being very passive and if it was me I would be going all out to ensure my home is protected for me and my DC. My starting point would be you owe him nothing and leave him to speak to a solicitor.....

YANBU, I've basically spent the last 10 weeks sitting on my bed with a laptop because I don't think its fair to restrict activity in the rest of the house when we have so little space.

It's a very fair compromise for him to take himself elsewhere if he needs to not be disturbed.