To ask dp to conduct important meetings elsewhere

[Fedupmum13]

Dp and myself are both working from home with a 1 year old. She teething badly at the moment and typically most of the caring is being left to me. I have to do my work in the evenings and weekends or when she is sleeping basically.
It's a nightmare but everyone had to adapt etc.
We live in a 3 bedroomed house, but unfortunately no office space. As such DP is conducting his work on the kitchen table. Not a problem most if the time, except for when he has teams meetings. He probably had around 6 meetings a day, 5 of which are fairly informal and so if I come in to the kitchen with DD to feed her, or want to make myself lunch I'm not really interrupting much.
Dp has just shooed me out of the kitchen because I was making some tea (with DD in my arms) as he was having an important meeting with 6 others. After the call ended I asked if he could conduct important meetings in one of our bedrooms. He's just blown up at me and accused me of being unreasonable. Am I? I don't want to be effectively locked in the living room with DD when he has these meetings. They can last over an hour and it doesn't feel fair.
I had an important work meeting a few weeks back and I didn't hesitate in going upstairs. I've had a few others which I've done in the living room as they were casual, informal ones.
I wish I could just go and move in with my parents to be honest. Or for him to sod off to his dad's.

‘Messy’ isn’t a reason to stay unhappy.

Also juggling a very small house 2 teens and 2 adults wfh. Occasionally one of us uses the shed. We're all having to be super flexible.

He sounds a dick.

How old is your step dc.?

I am actually gobsmacked that any adult, particularly one with a family, thinks that using a communal area for conference calls is okay and even more gobsmacked that everyone else must just avoid that space for the duration.

Calls must be done from a bedroom. It's completely unacceptable what he's doing. I don't have any more advice except to reiterate that.

This is outrageous.

You are looking after the baby all day long and then working all evening. So when you're working, what does he do? Watch TV? When it's 11 pm and you're still working, how do you not want to leave him then?

It's shocking that he uses the kitchen and then complains if you come into the kitchen with your baby who needs food. Why the hell does he work in a room that you have to use all the time?

I don't like him, OP. And if you split up there's no reason why you couldn't keep in touch with your step child, as long as his mum agrees.

He's aggressive when you ask for a more even split.

He's a complete waster.

His ex was well rid.

OP,
Don't waste anymore of your life on him.
Please don't.

He's one of life's wasters and you are also wasting time on him.

Ask him to leave.

You need a break from his bullying.

Because he is a bully.

You deserve more.

Do you get on with the stepchild's mum? I don't see why you couldn't still see them if you split. When his child is there does he pull his weight with childcare? You might find he is much less willing to have them every weekend without his live-in nanny. Then you can have them stay still if you want.

Sorry but he sounds like an absolute prick. Make him go to his dad's. At least for a couple of weeks so you can think. Find your anger, he is taking the absolute piss out of you.

I've been doing almost all my important meetings from bedrooms (currently working in toddler's bedroom now - I've even moved a desk in here). You just slap a background up in Teams and sit on the bed if necessary (or turn video off). Or if I need to sit downstairs for any reason, I time meetings for when it's easy for dh to take kids for a walk. This is pretty much what everyone I know is doing.

Agree with comments OP. It's him.

You say in your last sentence of OP you wish you could go to parents or him. Just do that. Tell him to go and if he won't then just go, it's toxic for you and Dd.

I know he wouldn't want to split

You bet he doesn't! He's got his own personal emotional punching bag he can explode at, gaslight, dump all over; skivvy; sex; cushy digs; doesn't have to parent (even his other kid, he's got you there); nice three bed house. He landed on his feet with you.

He doesn't get to decide if you split. You do.

'I've had enough. You need to leave.'
'No.'
'We are through and it's not up for discussion.'

Do not engage with him. Use the house as you see fit. STOP doing a thing for him.

Contact a solicitor to see how to get him out. They can conduct business online.

This is no way to live. He's not a partner, he's an albatross.

I’m working from home while DH is on furlough. Childcare isn’t an issue for us as DC are older, although I have to supervise school work (DH doesn’t have much formal education)

I work on the dining room table in the through living room, as do DC with school work. I tell DH when I am expecting calls, and suggest he goes to his shed, or turns volume on tv down, which he is happy to do. A few times he has fallen asleep in he chair and my call wakes him, he just goes upstairs, he isn’t a dick about it ( lots of other things he is though!)

He sounds like he is manipulating you and gaslighting you. He also sounds very much like he is enjoying showing you how important his work is, by setting up in the kitchen. Most fathers with the option of a clean desk in the bedroom would be sensible and set up there. Knowing full well that their wife will need to use the kitchen frequently to look after the child. He is demeaning your work by expecting you to squeeze your work in when you get the chance.
He is putting no effort in with you or your daughter. Do you want her to believe that this is acceptable. That women should be grateful for whatever crumbs (cooking dinner) a man throws their way. Do you want her to see her mum never standing up for herself, as it’s not worth the hassle. Would she recognise that, would she believe that a mans voice is more important than a women’s.
It’s not just you this will impact don’t let your child grow up feeling unimportant and defeated.

This sounds like a bigger issue than just where he's working, but for now, he can't actually stop you using the kitchen. He's hardly going to yell at you while he's on his v important work call. I'd tell him it's not an office and you'll be having access to it whenever you fancy, whether he's in there or not. Then I'd boil the kettle and make something that uses loud pans.

My partner sometimes works in our living room –I've had a couple of sighs from him when, at 6pm, I've asked for the tele and sofa, but deep down he knows it's unreasonable to claim living space for work.

Is his name on the mortgage OP? If it's your house and he contributes to the mortgage but you're not married then surely he has to leave if you tell him to, you'd just need to find a way to make up the monthly mortgage repayments.

As a PP said upthread, if you get on ok with step-child's mum could you continue to see them?

It's lovely that you have that concern.

I lived with a stepdad from age 5-16 and when he and dm split I never saw him again (and no one ever gave it a thought). I actually didn't want to as he was often violent, though of course I loved him, but it wouldn't have been a consideration in any case

This is all so unfair, OP. You must be exhausted catching up on work in the evenings and weekend when he gets to do his work 9-5. He really doesn’t give a fuck does he?

So you're supposed to work with or around his baby, but he gets to park himself in the middle of the kitchen without having to deal with childcare at the same time?

Selfish dick.

he should be locked away in a bedroom. It's the very least he can do.

both working from home with a 1 year old ... most of the caring is being left to me. I have to do my work in the evenings and weekends or when she is sleeping basically. It's a nightmare but everyone had to adapt

Looks like the only one who is adapting is you!!

Your h is a lazy, selfish dickhead who puts his pwn needs before everyone else's and can't be arsed to parent his dc. Waste of space! You and your dd deserve much more.

And yes he should work in the bloody bedroom, selfish arse.

Oh, and cooking dinner - get a slow cooker. Cook the meat in there. Stir fry or steam some veg. Couscous, pasta, egg noodles are done in minutes. Less to wash up with just you and DD.

Honestly, just tell him to go. I wouldn't leave my own home with DD to enable his arse. He'll just leave a mess for you to clean up.

He is a sexist selfish arse. But you are allowing it. Not great role models for your daughter.

I have male and female colleagues who take meetings in the car. Most of my team split childcare, apart from one colleague whose wife doesn’t work.

I think we know why his relationship broke up. And probably how much parenting he has done of his step child

He can go to his Dads OP. And he should, you arent married so he has very little rights to the house

You have the power - use it. Dont waste your life

It could be solved if he communicated with you. I am WFH with 2 older DCs in the house - we don't have loads of space.

If I have a meeting that can't be disturbed I will let them know beforehand. If one or both are watching TV or wanting to get food, I will take the meeting in the bedroom. If they are ensconced in their rooms, I will stay in the kitchen and they will stay out of the way for a while.

This is how a reasonable person would see it. He sounds selfish and full of self importance.

So there is a bedroom in your house that is being used 2 days out of 14 by his dc, and he cant possibly work in there for the other 12 days? Doesn’t sound like he or his dc are having to make any compromises at all but you and your dc are making all of them.

I think you need to start drawing lines in the sand.

TELL HIM he is not working in the kitchen any more.
TELL HIM that he needs to take a lunch break so you can scan emails for YOUR job and have a sandwich on your own.
TELL HIM that he needs to take your DD before 9 and after 5 and play with/bath etc her so you can do a bit of work/have a break etc.

Don''t ask him.
Basically tell him if doesn't then you are not putting up with it any more and he can leave.

You will have your answer. It will either light a rocket up his arse or he won't care. Then you will know how much you matter to him...

Ask him to leave. You'll be so much better off without him.
If you're not married and its your house his rights are very limited. How dare he tell you to keep out of your own kitchen
He's more likely to leave easily if you tell him its temporary to give you some thinking space
You don't want your little girl growing up thinking this is acceptable

Do you have a good relationship with his ex? She might be happy for you to stay in contact with your step dc.

And how would he react if you told him that you'd had enough? Would he start shaping up if he genuinely thought it was over?