To ask dp to conduct important meetings elsewhere

[Fedupmum13]

Dp and myself are both working from home with a 1 year old. She teething badly at the moment and typically most of the caring is being left to me. I have to do my work in the evenings and weekends or when she is sleeping basically.
It's a nightmare but everyone had to adapt etc.
We live in a 3 bedroomed house, but unfortunately no office space. As such DP is conducting his work on the kitchen table. Not a problem most if the time, except for when he has teams meetings. He probably had around 6 meetings a day, 5 of which are fairly informal and so if I come in to the kitchen with DD to feed her, or want to make myself lunch I'm not really interrupting much.
Dp has just shooed me out of the kitchen because I was making some tea (with DD in my arms) as he was having an important meeting with 6 others. After the call ended I asked if he could conduct important meetings in one of our bedrooms. He's just blown up at me and accused me of being unreasonable. Am I? I don't want to be effectively locked in the living room with DD when he has these meetings. They can last over an hour and it doesn't feel fair.
I had an important work meeting a few weeks back and I didn't hesitate in going upstairs. I've had a few others which I've done in the living room as they were casual, informal ones.
I wish I could just go and move in with my parents to be honest. Or for him to sod off to his dad's.

Ah the old classic tactic of escalating any mention of him sharing the load to an argument so he can deflect from him having to do anything! He thinks he's clever, but you've busted his behaviour long ago and can see right through it.

My DD is getting way more screen time than we'd like at present but we really don't have much choice. Trying not to fret about things I can do zip about though. You sound like you're doing a fab job and must be exhausted.

Sounds like you are already shouldering the single parent load, only with the added complication of a tantruming grown man thrown in. A separation will be really hard on you and your stepchild and I really feel for you but youve already recognised you can't keep being a slave to his temper. That's no way to live and your mental and physical health are priorities too in all this. If he's bringing no joy to your life he doesn't deserve to be in it ❤️

It’s is possible to WFH, parent, and not be a dick.

This is the take-home message from this thread imho.

I have to say I don't think working in bedrooms is healthy. Having said that, if it's for the occasional meeting for not too long, then it might be the least bad option for you with your house layout and capacity.

Or how about he does important meetings in the living room, so you can use the kitchen and bedroom? Is it a relatively large/comfortable kitchen that you could sit in as well as use to cook and make tea?

Kick him out.
Where he goes and what he does is not your problem.

Both me and my DH are WFH with 3 DCs and both pulling our weight and being respectful of each other and our work commitments. Your DH is a dick who is treating you abysmally. Totally agree with the poster who said your expectations are too low - they are and you deserve much better.

I think it's unfair that all childcare falls on you. Does he cook or do anything else? Because if not I would stop doing those things.

He can get a collapsable table to set up in the bedroom. It costs £29.99 in argos. O

It folds down and has a carry handle with 3 height adjustments.

wishing you well with whatever you decide to you
No decision that requires massive change is easy

So he broke up with his previous partner when the child was a baby and he is being a disinterested father to a 1 year old and an unsupportive partner to you now. Is there a pattern emerging here?

We have just the 2 of us living in a 3 bed house and my husband has made his working base in what is little more than a cupboard (tiny room between 2 bedrooms). He is also using headphones when on conference calls. There's a reason that we are still happily married after 35 years.

I thought it was just my DH who had a ‘hear me across a large meeting room voice‘ He literally shouts at the screen, like some people do on the phone. I can hear him in the bedroom sometimes shouting away

I'd be questioning the value of these meetings to be honest. They don't sound very focussed, who is he having the six meetings a day with?

Sounds like a waste of time that increases the time he needs to be at work beyond what is needed, plus restricts his flexibility because he has to be present during office hours. If he spends all day having meetings, when does he do actual work?

While so many people are working from home and having to share childcare with partners, they need to cut down any meetings that aren't strictly necessary so partners can work effectively and share equally, eg one work from 6 am to mid day and the other do 1 to 7 pm or whatever.

But a bet a lot of men won't be interested in this, because it reduces the time they get to chat to their mates at work and leaves them free to do the things they think their wives should be doing .

@TheAlphaandtheOmega thank you.
@Wishforsnow yep I agree. He is being a total twat
@JellyBabiesSaveLives he is yes.although dps sister has been visiting and she's a paramedic. All a bit ridiculous! Plus it's a 4 hour drive. And a different uk country.
@Rainycloudyday thanks, I appreciate your input. I agree with what you've said. As a person I am quite submissive but have found myself shouting back sometimes. I don't want a hostile environment for our DD though so I just ignore him if he's being a dick. We're currently not talking and I've told him that I wished he could sod off. So he's now not talking to me. He will turn things and blame me where he can
@Merryoldgoat honestly you've hit the nail on the head! He does act like it's a performance, it's like he gets a hard on by having important meetings and me being able to listen to it. I earn about 16k more than him and in a more professional role but you know I don't need to conduct my meetings in front of him. He is pathetic

Just think, if you kicked him out, he would have to do 50% of the childcare as well as earn enough to pay for his own rent and bills.

All your have to do is make some food once a day.

He definitely has it tok easy at the moment, his contribution is tiny compared to yours.

He's taking the piss.

Your child has two parents.

Fucked if I would be enabling this shit. My instinct would be to babycrash every single meeting until shared care was in place and both jobs equally respected.

This is what i would be doing. Heck, if he wants a row he can have one live for all his colleagues to see. I'd also have that childcare rota (50/50 fgs) and plonking the baby on the floor next to him and going for a short drive around the corner to do a couple of hours work when I need to.

You can still move house on lockdown. O suggest you tell him to hop it really.

Why has his job been deemed the more important whilst you’re trying to work at night/weekends?
What a knob!
Tell him it’s the bedroom to work in for him and an equal division of childcare.
You’re the main earner so I’d assume in a better position to chuck him out and buy him out, I’d be seriously considering that.

YANBU

You have 3 bedrooms? of course 1 of them should be re-arranged as an office space.

Communal space such as living room and kitchen stay communal.

I think ultimately you want him to go to his Dads so I would just tell him that. He could put a desk in a bedroom and get headphones. Even simple ones you use on a phone are fine. This is what most are doing. Its just not working so he needs to go to his Dads to work and you can see how you feel when this is starting to become more normal. You are doing all the work anyway so I would just let him know that he is surplus to requirements

Thanks for your comments. Sorry I can't reply to each one. DD is asleep so I'm going to make lunch in a mo.
I've got a lot of thinking to do. I put up with an awful lots which extends way beyond this wfh situation.
Things wouldn't be messy financially if we split as the house is solely mine, although he'd have some sorts of rights as he gives me half the mortgage each month. I'd financially be a bit buggered when I'm back in work as childcare is going to be expensive. But anyway that can't be a reason to be miserable.
We have his child every weekend and sometimes I feel envious of the mum as she gets lots of time to herself. Far more than I do. If we split then I guess he would have the same arrangement with DD. I know he wouldn't want to split and he frequently comments that I have to put up with an awful lot from him.
I just feel like it's getting to breaking point with him.
It's the emotional tie i have with my stepchild which makes me not want to leave I think.

Long term this is a rubbish example to children. He is treated better than you because he is male, he works less and his status is elevated. You must work harder as you're female and not as important as him. Screw that, you'd be better off as a single parent. Ask him to go to his dad's for a bit, have some space.

"He should do more though but honestly it's not worth the arguments anymore."
Then it might be worth telling him to sling his hook. If he's not going to do his share, and blow up at you for not making yourself invisible when it pleases him, then - what is the point of him?

See I put my foot down near the start of lockdown on this one - we have an open plan downstairs and no spare bedroom space and both of us had stuff needing to be done. DH thought he could disappear upstairs and leave me to it all and I told him no fucking way was he checking out of the childcare for the duration and leaving me to juggle. So we both work in varying areas downstairs with the kids around - although I do more kid-enforcement to be fair - and his work either have to accept that kids are around (they have) or they can pay me a second salary to keep them out of the way! Thankfully pretty much everyone he deals with is in the same boat and accepting of the odd kid interruption - as these are pretty unusual circumstances we all currently find ourselves in.

The other thing I put my foot down over was his team wanting to keep a constant call open for "office chit chat" - having to listen to one half of a headset conversation all day every day was doing my head in so we bought a headset free mic and if it's just a call open so someone can do the equivalent of a yell across the office he uses that, and just puts a headset on for actual calls. I'm a student so my work is pretty much directed tasks or the odd pre-timed session (we're winding down for the summer). Anything vitally private and we go in a bedroom.

Agree with everyone else. DH is wfh 9-5.30 every day. He tried working at the kitchen table on the first day. We very quickly realised it wouldn't work with me and DCs in and out of there all day, so we moved a table and chair into the corner of our bedroom (had to clear it first). Now he gets his peace and quiet and the rest of us (me and 3DC) can do as we like downstairs. It works very well. He pops downstairs if he wants some company for a bit, and always gets out for a walk (with me) every lunchtime and again at 5.30. None of us would have coped if he'd continued to try and work from one of the busiest rooms in the house. That just seems daft.

"he frequently comments that I have to put up with an awful lot from him."
Yet takes no action to remedy the situation, just continues as he pleases, thinking saying that to you is 'enough'.

"I just feel like it's getting to breaking point with him."
Not getting, got. Long since probably of you've reached the point of "not worth the arguments anymore".

"It's the emotional tie i have with my stepchild which makes me not want to leave I think."
Bollocks to that. Your relationship with your stepchild does not need to be via him. How's your relationship with his ex? Do not sacrifice yourself and give your child an unhappy homelife because of this. It's unfair to your child, and to you.

It's a nightmare but everyone had to adapt etc.

Except for your OH apparently. Why is childcare falling to you alone? You both have a job to do, childcare should be shared.

I am just horrified OP by the number of posts like this during lockdown.
You are an intelligent woman , earning more than your partner but you think it’s ok that he treats you like shit.
Why do you need to live like this. ?
It isn’t love or mutual respect, it isn’t financial. So what is it that makes you need this set up so much ?
I don’t get it at all

Without being too outing he has another child who stays each week.

Now you know why his last relationship with the mother of his child broke up when his child was still a baby. This is a pattern. This will not change. It would be a really bad idea to get pregnant again.

he would have to do 50% of the childcare as well as earn enough to pay for his own rent and bills.

No, he wouldn't. None resident parents are not compelled to do 50% at all, and very few do. He doesn't for the child he has by his last relationship.

And so often, these men find another woman, like the OP, to subsidise their lives.

OP, you can tell him to leave.

He's gaslighting you. Stop standing for it. Your DD is NOT going to remember any of this, she's a baby. It's best to chuck him now.

He's a sulking prick. Just stop allowing this shit.