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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Female neighbour texting my DH every day

243 replies

RobertSmithdoesmyhair · 28/05/2020 23:57

I'm furloughed, so at home every day. DH working FT. Female neighbour texts my DH every day while he is at work- can I borrow something, do you have..., I'm in the supermarket, do you want anything etc...She never texts or asks me! AIBU to feel uncomfortable with this?

OP posts:
SimpleKindofLife · 29/05/2020 08:51

Love that @tiredanddangerous! Grin

Hohohole · 29/05/2020 08:51

I wouldn't get your knickers in a twist over this. I'm. Checking in on neighbours more these days, she probably got carried away. Maybe she's bored out of her tree. You have to live next door to her, don't make things awkward' unless you can pass it off in a jokey way.

Cherrygirl3 · 29/05/2020 08:54

YANBU. Had this happen to me once. Now divorced. DH's next relationship ended for the very same reason! Nip it in the bud OP.

Original poster
RobertSmithdoesmyhair · 29/05/2020 08:55

Not sure what to do. WhatsApp group may be a way forward.

OP posts:
SimpleKindofLife · 29/05/2020 08:55

For me, because she is the one furloughed and it's also an excuse to divert unwanted attention @DitheringBlidiot

I'm a feminist. I don't think it's sexism here. I always check with my DH before I update our online shop too, you check with each other?!

LEELULUMPKIN · 29/05/2020 08:55

@starcup Thanks for that. V.confused as to why ndn has either of their no's in the first place. That could make all the difference to OP's question.

NotMyUsualNameNoSiree · 29/05/2020 08:55

I'm a bit torn about this. I probably wouldn't like it if DH was the recipient of incoming messages from our female neighbour. But only becuase I wouldn't know her intentions.

On the other hand I have a 1:1 text friendship with one of the school-dads, I also have his DWs number, but tend to contact him as he and I got on really well (in an utterly platonic way), I like her too, but I know him better. But I know my own intentions and there are no underlying feelings on either side.

ilikepurple · 29/05/2020 08:55

Ask your husband to tell her he's busy and can she ask you?

Starcup · 29/05/2020 08:57

@DitheringBlidiot

OP is better to advise what they need etc because she is at home, DH is out at work. So if flirty Fiona phones up asking if they need flour then OP can look, DH can’t!

No idea what you mean by ‘because she has a vagina!

Flirty Fiona is putting him in an awkward position by constantly texting him daily. Of course it’s not normal to do that. The majority of people on this thread wouldn’t seem it appropriate either.

So by replying and saying ‘ask my wife’, it’s let’s get know he’s not interested etc without saying ‘stop pestering me’!!

She shouldn’t be putting him in this position in the first place!!

LellyMcKelly · 29/05/2020 09:02

How about replying to the text yourself with, ‘brilliant, Mr RobertSmith is busy so he’s asked me to tell you if you’re going to the shops can you pick up some Dairy Lea and a bottle of Jack Daniels’. After a while she’ll get it.

Bienentrinkwasser · 29/05/2020 09:03

I have a neighbour like this. About 10-15 years older than DH, single, and obviously a bit lonely. We have a shared access path across the back of our houses so can all see each other at our back doors so she’s always engaging DH in conversation, asking him for help or advice, texting with questions etc. DH doesn’t mind, and I have no concerns about his intentions, bit it does irritate me at times.

CharmerLlama · 29/05/2020 09:04

If you've only been in your house 6 months then it's a bit cheeky to already be asking you frequently if they can borrow stuff. I'd nip that in the bud definitely.

How does your DH respond to the messages OP? He could deal with this quite quickly by responding each time with "Not sure, I'm at work. Please can you text [your name] and check with her", or just forwarding the messages to you to respond to.

Seaweed42 · 29/05/2020 09:05

What's happening is the type of personality she is. If Dougal in Father Ted were to say it he'd say 'she loves a man so she does'.
Some women have a particular view of men that originates in their own attachment and childhood patterns.
Men are seen as the protector and provider but also the ones that have to be revered and cared for. If the man is compromised, the woman can get kudos and approval by helping him or becoming his carer in a way. I doubt she can see this herself.
You'd see it with older women, where if the wife is in hospital or away on a holiday suddenly 40 women from the golf club are trampling over each other in the rush to bring dinners over to the husband because the 'poor' man needs some TLC.

CoraPirbright · 29/05/2020 09:06

I would get DH to reply to her next text about shopping or whatever “sorry, no idea if we need anything. Am really busy at work but (OP) will have a better idea as she is at home. Pls can you text her instead?” And then I would get him to block her number. If she is totally blameless then she will have no problem directing the daily (Shock Hmm) texts to you.

Seaweed42 · 29/05/2020 09:06

Also, your DH needs to push back and tell her he's fine and say 'I'm fine for all shopping thanks Rita, I'll let you know if anything changes'.

ivfgottostaypositive · 29/05/2020 09:07

There was a thread a couple of weeks ago and then it turned out the DH was having an affair with the neighbour who was texting him all the time.....

CourtneyLurve · 29/05/2020 09:08

YANBU, OP. If a man started texting you daily asking you if you needed something from the shops, how was your day, etc, I'm sure your husband would be weirded out.

Next time she texts, I'd reply on your husband's phone: "Hey, it's Jane. We're good but thanks for asking." And then repeat the same response every damn time. She'll get the hint.

Mrspeachhh · 29/05/2020 09:12

yanbu id be very HmmHmmHmm. How old is she? does she have a dh at home? Tell him to text back he’s at work, here’s yours number to see if you need anything. Reply the same every time until she gets the hint.

ToddlerBumpBorderCollie · 29/05/2020 09:15

Perhaps you could just raise it with her? Like a grown up?
I get on fairly well with the house opposite and when I’m at the shops/short on something/can’t find a package that’s been delivered/see something that may be useful to them I’ll pop him a message. I have both the numbers but he messaged me a year or so ago so that’s the conversation I have in my inbox I can just click and type.
I have absolutely no interest in this man and I’d be both mortified and insulted if his wife took my offer of milk and bread as anything other than helpful. Some people are just nice..

scheffsm · 29/05/2020 09:15

It's weird and DH should nip it in the bud by referring to you as you're at home at the moment or by simply ignoring the majority of the texts.
Have you read the texts yourself or is he telling you what they are about?

She's looking for attention from your DH for whatever reason and it needs to stop.

I have my male neighbour's phone number but not his wife's. I've lived here 10 years and I think I've phoned or texted him about 5 times and he's probably contacted me the same number of times. His wife rang from his phone a couple of times when she had lost her cat.
Daily contact would be weird. If he started texting me everyday I'd feel very uncomfortable about it.

Does your DH want to put a stop to it? These things are fairly easy to shut down in my opinion, if you WANT to shut them down.

YinMnBlue · 29/05/2020 09:18

If I was your DH this would drive me mad! I would reply ‘not sure, at work, text DW?’

Are you sure she doesn’t have the numbers mixed up? My friend texted me from her DH’s phone Once and I didn’t realise...so saved it had her.

MargotLovedTom1 · 29/05/2020 09:20

OK, your husband thinks she's being kind; I think it would be a good idea to have a conversation with him about how odd (and uncomfortable) you find it.

WhatsApp group is a good idea, or him forwarding the message to you so you can reply "Hi Rachel, Dave's forwarded your msg to me as he's at work. I've checked and we don't need anything at Tesco but thanks for asking." And repeat!

Orchidflower1 · 29/05/2020 09:24

@DitheringBlidiot please don’t look for a “ because she’s a woman “ issue here.

Op is furloughed so at home hence far easier to respond to texts than her dh.

Plus the whole concept of the thread is randy Rachel down the road is texting the dh when she should be texting op as the person at home and hence able to answer texts. Randy Rachel down the road doesn’t want to txt the op because she wants the attention from ops dh.

Not a feminist issue - a fidelity issue.

Sharpandshineyteeth · 29/05/2020 09:28

Tell your DH how it makes you feel and the texts are making you feel sick and see what solutions he comes up with. He should have your back in this OP unless he loves the attention which would be a bigger worry than Randy Rachel 😂

WeAllHaveWings · 29/05/2020 09:32

Honestly wouldn't bother me, she is asking a NDN if she can help/for help during lockdown.

For whatever reason she finds your DH more approachable or feels more comfortable texting him or maybe even finds you unapproachable. Your only problem is she is female and you have assumed she has ulterior motives even though there is no evidence of that.

The only reason there could be a problem is if you don't trust your dh. If you don't trust your dh that is not your ndn's fault.