To want to get a dog when my husband doesn't want one.

[BBOA]

My DS has been desperate for a dog for literally 10 years. Now 15. Like really desperate. DH is not an animal lover as was never brought up with them. DD is 12 and not that fussed about animals either. Couldn't even remember the names of her goldfish and didn't cry when one died! I love dogs and grew up with them so wouldn't be adverse to getting one. Maybe a dog rather than a puppy though as I'd prefer to give a rescue one a home. We compromised with a rabbit 6 years ago but lockdown has brought it all up again. Interested to hear how others have dealt with this issue. I know it's a big thing in terms of cost, time, commitment and £££, but convince me why DH gets the last word please. How have others got over this hurdle?

It is mean spirited to deny your children the joy of owning a pet & experiencing that because you feel a certain way about animals. To push back for 16 years on your kid wanting a pet & having to work so hard to compromise on a rabbit ? To me that suggests a mean spirit.

But I can’t tolerate people who don’t like animals so....

I wanted a dog. DH didn't. He agreed I could have one so long as I was totally responsible for everything to do with the dog. (Obviously if I was ill he would feed and walk it but otherwise it was all down to me.) End result - he fell in love with the dog and was perfectly content when I wanted to add a second. They were always my dogs and I did the work, but he was surprised at how happily he took to having a dog in the house.

I really wouldn’t get an animal if not everyone in the household was 100% committed. I’m not saying your DH would be intentionally cruel to the dog but I don’t think you could rely on him to adequately care for it if for some reason you were unable to.

But I can’t tolerate people who don’t like animals so

But why not? And you don't have to 'not like' animals to not want to live with one. I love animals, I don't eat them or wear them or buy shit that's been tested on them, but I still don't want to live with a dog.

Don´t do it. Your son will be adult in no time and can get his own dog in his own place. If my husband did that to me with a dog, which requires commitment, I would be massively pissed off. Especially cause Im scared of dogs and simply don't like them. He brought a bird home when I had said no and I ended up doing the work. Until I got fed up.

It is mean spirited to deny your children the joy of owning a pet & experiencing that because you feel a certain way about animals.

It's mean spirited to force someone to have a pet they hate 🤷🏻‍♀️

They have all their adult years to have any pet they wish.

We begged and begged DH to agree to getting a dog for 10++ years. Knew he'd never ever change his mind. So finally went ahead and got one (used excuse that a friend desperately needed to rehome dog or something like that). DH now LOVES the dog to bits, she fits right in, and it has been a Great Thing for the whole family.

@vikingwife

It is mean spirited to deny your children the joy of owning a pet & experiencing that because you feel a certain way about animals. To push back for 16 years on your kid wanting a pet & having to work so hard to compromise on a rabbit ? To me that suggests a mean spirit.

But I can’t tolerate people who don’t like animals so....

I’ll tell you what’s mean spirited: buying an animal and forcing them to live in an environment that they’re not 100% welcome in.

They’re not stupid; body language and tone even if nothing was outright said/done to the animal would let it know that a member of the family did not want it there.

You would be selfish to do this and and not putting the animals best interests at heart, and therefore it’s questionable whether you would be a responsible pet owner at all simply because you’re willing to do this.

People can like animals and yet not want to share a home with them, and what your post suggests to me is a selfish, irresponsible, neglectful pet owner.

@4Smalls

We begged and begged DH to agree to getting a dog for 10++ years. Knew he'd never ever change his mind. So finally went ahead and got one (used excuse that a friend desperately needed to rehome dog or something like that). DH now LOVES the dog to bits, she fits right in, and it has been a Great Thing for the whole family.

How awfully selfish and manipulative of you. I would leave anyone who did that as it shows they cannot respect my wishes and have a low opinion of me, and this a healthy relationship it is not.

They have all their adult years to have any pet they wish.

Agreed. A child who doesn't have a dog when they're growing up isn't being deprived. There's plenty of time for the OPs son to have a dog when he's an adult.

@4Smalls

We begged and begged DH to agree to getting a dog for 10++ years. Knew he'd never ever change his mind. So finally went ahead and got one (used excuse that a friend desperately needed to rehome dog or something like that). DH now LOVES the dog to bits, she fits right in, and it has been a Great Thing for the whole family.

And what would you have done if he had hated the dog and found out that you had lied to him?

What is wrong with people??

Can I say 15 is not too old for a dog?

No I completely agree, IF the parents are committed and happy to take it on when the DC spreads their wings in the not too distant future. Been there and got the T shirt, had to commit for years to a dog who wasn’t mine just as I was ready to spread my wings again, and I’m a real dog lover. I’ll be honest, it was a bit annoying, much as I loved him. It doesn’t sound like that’s the case here though, there is half a person at most out of the two adults in question who wants a dog.

The idea of an older rescue is a good one, but your child will want one he can at least have some fun with in the park.

Think very carefully about this please, OP. Pleased it take a dog into your lives who will make you his whole life and then find him inconvenient. 💕

If the dog were primarily for a child's sake/enjoyment, I'd say that 15 is a bit late to get one, since he'll probably be leaving home before too many more years and likely won't be in a position to take the dog with him right away (if that would even be okay with you and the rest of the family).

But if the dog is for you as much as (or more than) your son, I'd try to talk your husband around to the idea. It's not ideal to get a pet unless both spouses want it, but I find it very sad to think that you can't ever have a dog just because your husband doesn't really care for them. Unless he's allergic or terrified of all dogs, it's selfish of him to refuse to even consider it.

A marriage is about compromise. Both parties aren't going to be equally excited about everything, but you do things and make sacrifices for one another's benefit.

Not all dogs are disgusting, drooling poop machines. They can be wonderful companions. Your husband may well decide he likes dogs, if he lives with a nice one for a while. Or he can continue not really caring, leave all the dog chores to you and your son, and pretend the dog doesn't exist.

We’re the opposite way round. DS and I don’t want a dog, DD and DH do. I don’t want the extra responsibility, we already have a rescue cat with anxiety issues who would FREAK if we brought in another animal so it would be a lot of work for us to settle the household, I actually have a lot of practical reasons for not wanting one but ultimately I just don’t want one and I live here too so it’s my right to just say no frankly. Those people who went over their partners heads and got one anyway “but it’s fine because they love it now” are so selfish, I would be so angry if DH went behind my back and got a dog.

@heartsonacake my original post clearly states all family members must be on board to get a pet - ;)

I begged my parents for a dog at 14. To be fair we had always had dogs and our last dog had passed away the year before.

But my mum wasn't sure she wanted to do it again.

At 18 I went to uni and moved far away at 21 leaving my parents to look after the dog

Have you consider 'borrow my doggy'. Worth a look.

If the other adult isn't OK with getting an animal then you really shouldn't do it.

DH has two cats that I reluctantly agreed to because I knew it would make him (and the children) happy. BUT however much I dislike cats, I was still prepared to look after them, clean up the eviscerated mice and birds that appear from time to time, deal with their litter if it turned out that they had upset stomachs, and give them affection so that they became well-adjusted members of our family. I don't like them still, 5 years on, but they're part of our family so I tolerate them.

Similarly, I got a puppy just about two years ago despite DH not being keen. BUT he WAS prepared to pick up my slack, just like I did with the cats. I'm supposed to walk her every day but my physical condition has changed, meaning I can't and DH has to do it.

He's happy to, it turns out he LOVES our dog. She's a darling so everyone does, even though she's still a bit puppy-naughty and is giant and fluffy and drooly and just the best thing ever. (I love her so much, even though she's a total dick sometimes.)

My point is this: even if you promise and plan to be the person who does everything for the dog, the situation can change very quickly. If your DH isn't onboard then that's an easy route to resentment and unhappiness.

Having a dog changes the dynamics and practicalities of family life dramatically - a bit like the transition from child-free to parent.

Having to be there for company, exercise, to let the dog relieve itself... that's hugely limiting. Nothing is spur of the moment, everything has to be planned around the dog's needs. No drinks after work, no long days out, no nights away. It's a massive tether.

I love pets and have many, but nothing you can't leave for 48 hours with access to food and water.

But I can’t tolerate people who don’t like animals **

It isn’t necessarily about not liking animals, in this case dogs. I like dogs and enjoy spending a few days with the puppy that my DSis and her family had taken on. But I really wouldn’t want the responsibility of owning a dog myself. (Cats are much easier to look after and don’t require me to take them for a walk in the pouring rain or when it’s too cold.)

A dog does need to be something everyone agrees on, really. I say that as someone who wasn't fussed about a dog in the house. My DH and both DDs wanted a dog so I gave in. At the time both DH and I worked from home, so he was told he was doing all the caring for the dog. Now I'm the only one who works from home so I'm the one doing everything. I get a little resentful in the dead of winter here in Canada (the dogs yep two now don't know it though because it's not their fault I hate snow) but during the spring and summer, I'm happy doing the walks.

I "gave in" because I was outnumbered and I didn't hate the idea. If I hated the idea, I wouldn't have compromised.

A marriage is about compromise.

But some things are a simple ‘yes or no’ issue and you can’t compromise. Getting a dog wouldn’t BE a compromise - it would be the OP getting what she wanted and her husband being stuck with it. It’s not like if one of you wants to live in the city and the other in the country; you can’t just get Kirstie Allsop to find you a market town with a fast train to London in the hope you’ll both be happy. A dog is either there or it isn’t.

I actually think it’s really manipulative to just buy a pet against your partner’s wishes, as as worrying number of people on this thread seem to have done. All the ‘DH thought dogs were the spawn of Satan; now he LOVES ours!’ are not doing the OP any favours. Of course there will be cases like that, but I’d put money on there being far more people who would massively resent being undermined by their partners in this way. We haven’t seen as many examples of that because most people have the sense never to test the theory - they respect their partner too much to do so.

We have a ton of pets that dp wouldn't have chosen, but he isn't mean spirited enough to want me and the dds to forgo one of the biggest pleasures in our lives.

It's not mean spirited to not want a dog in the house. It may be mean spirited to not allow a far far less intrusive pet, like fish or something. But a dog is a huge commitment, practically and financially, and it affects so many parts of your life, and is just always.. there. If you don't want one it's a huge deal to have it forced on you.

Dh didn't want a dog. Like he loves dogs but didnt want one of our own. I forged ahead. He didn't take to him very well as a pup. 18 mo on it's actually pathetic how in love with the dog he is. I feel like I'm third wheeling some days.

.... he is the best dog in the whole widest world tho