To want to get a dog when my husband doesn't want one.

[BBOA]

My DS has been desperate for a dog for literally 10 years. Now 15. Like really desperate. DH is not an animal lover as was never brought up with them. DD is 12 and not that fussed about animals either. Couldn't even remember the names of her goldfish and didn't cry when one died! I love dogs and grew up with them so wouldn't be adverse to getting one. Maybe a dog rather than a puppy though as I'd prefer to give a rescue one a home. We compromised with a rabbit 6 years ago but lockdown has brought it all up again. Interested to hear how others have dealt with this issue. I know it's a big thing in terms of cost, time, commitment and £££, but convince me why DH gets the last word please. How have others got over this hurdle?

The OP doesn't actually say the husband HATES dogs... she says he isn't thus far an animal lover.

I think a conversation about what everyone wants is in order.

I'd be the first to agree that inflicting an animal on someone who absolutely hates/fears/is disgusted by them is not on and vice versa, it is not fair on an animal to live with someone who hates/fears/is disgusted by them.

MY OH thought he didn't like rats.

I asked him why, he couldn't actually give me a reason why, he just thought he didn't like them.

We met some rats, he found their feet tickly and their tails odd but agree that actually, if he didn't have to handle them, they were amusing to watch, quite cute, didn't smell anywhere near as bad as he had thought.

We got rats.

A year later, my OH was sat on our sofa with rats on his shoulder, rats in his pockets, rats on the edge of his dinner plate sharing his spaghetti... turns out he DOES like rats, he just didn't know it initially as he'd never actually met any.

That example is not to say its ok to inflict animals on those who really do not want them, but there are people who have simply not experienced a particular animal, and have no idea of how much fun they can be, no idea of what life with them entails (or entirely the wrong idea) and could well enjoy them.

So I'd have a sensible discussion, see if he has fears that can be allayed, issues that are in fact, non-issues, or if he really really does not want to live with a dog.

DH and DS are desperate for a dog.

I have said no because I would be forced to care for an animal I don't want and it would restrict my life in ways I'm not willing to accept.

If you have dogs, your house smells of dog. You are financially and practically tied to an animal which will negatively impact your life. They break things, ruin gardens, dictate so many decisions and cost a fortune. And they smell.

It's okay if you like and want dogs as you're compensated for the negatives but if you're the reluctant partner, your life just gets a bit worse with no benefits.

Mrsrogerlima
That is one of the most vile things I've ever seen someone say on mn.

Don’t do it. A dog is a massive commitment and if not everyone in the house wants it then it isn’t on to get one. We have cats. My DH wasn’t sure about having pets at all, but I already had a cat when we met and he got used to the idea (we now have 3 furry friends! ). He’s allergic to dogs, so we won’t be able to have one, despite our DDs asking for one occasionally.

My F insisted on having a dog when we were small, despite my DM really not wanting one. She then ended up having to do all the work and I was made to clear up the dog shit. So I do have strong views about this.

There are other ways to enjoy dogs without owning one, like walking a guide dog puppy or helping out at a shelter. When your DS is an adult he can have a dog and you can dog sit for him.

I am shocked about those saying that there partner didn't want a dog but they got one anyway or that your DH is being unreasonable / should be replaced/rehomed.
I would be surprised if any of these posters would be happy if their partner did the same thing. Its an incredible selfish and controlling thing to decide.

Getting a dog is something the whole household has to agree on. It will massively increase costs as well as housework. You will need to review any outings and trips.
We have three dogs and its not as simple as saying I will look after it. The dog will come into contact and impacted everyone in the household and money will have to be used for it that can be used elsewhere.

Our teenagers managed to convince us they needed a dog each. Teenagers soon leave home...the multi dogs and cats didn't :-)

I suggest getting an older rescue dog; there are plenty available who have a known, good background (sure temperament, good socialisation and training; previous loving owner has become ill, gone into care, died etc. ). A 10 yr old can still be lively, enjoy games and walks etc and last a few years. Choose an appropriate breed.

Specialist rescues for rehoming older dogs

goldenoldiesanimalrescue.com/

The compromise for doglovers is that the love affair with an older rescue will only last a few years and their loss will hurt.

oops, wrong link; this one is UK

www.oldies.org.uk/

I wouldn’t do it. I rescue senior dogs & having a partner not onboard means the dog will end up suffering in some way. They will want it relegated outside, they won’t include the dog as part of the family. They will complain at things a dog does when in comparison children do far worse eg the dog is loud, making a mess, smelly, sitting on the couch etc.

While I applaud you for wanting an older dog, the likelihood is your partner will grow to resent them & will push for them to be euthanised when they are geriatric but still have quality of life.

If a rabbit was a compromise just don’t get a dog, it will cause a rift between you when you see how cold he is towards the dog.

I personally enjoy my dogs over people. They are more rewarding than most people in my life. In the past have mistakenly allowed a partner to be “top dog” & make decisions about my dogs which in hindsight I deeply regret...however have learnt for me personally, being with someone who does not have compassion & love for animals is not for me. So this may cloud my judgement & my response here:

Your son can't really want a dog if he hasn't got much experience of having them - unless he's already volunteering /regularly seeing friends dogs AND taking responsibility for them, he's just another one of thousands of kids who wants a pet as a concept.

I grew up in a multi pet household (cats, reptiles, chickens, various exotic pets) having taken a significant part of their care from a very young age.

I know lots of people who "really wanted a pet" but had no real idea of pet ownership. And they turned out to be shit owners.

Everyone must want the dog or no dog.

Totally agree that unless the decision is unanimous there should be no dog.

We have had two cats (now sadly down to one) and although it's much easier to go out and leave them, even overnight with an automatic feeder, it's incredibly restrictive in being able to go away for weekends without the expense of someone to look after them or friends who are willing, and you can't really be spontaneous. Dogs would be this x1000 in that you can't leave them even overnight, friends would be much less willing to look after them as it's more involved than just popping in and putting some food in a bowl, they are more expensive to feed/vet's bills etc, and you couldn't even go out to work all day without paying a dog walker or whatever it is that people do. Plus parents on both sides dislike dogs so we couldn't bring them along if we went to visit - one set is about four hours' drive away and the other is in Ireland so really couldn't drag a dog along for a weekend even if they were willing to have a dog in their house.

I really like dogs but this ^ is the reason I'm never having one and I don't care how much I get nagged. If my husband brought one home anyway despite knowing my wishes, I'd probably leave him because clearly he would have no regard for my happiness and didn't give a shit about me.

We wouldn't be without our two dogs, they are fantastic but both of you need to be on board. Dogs are a big responsibility, can live a long time and need a lot of consideration for things like holidays, trips, even staying out overnight spontaneously.

I think there's a difference between your dp not wanting a dog, being happy to have one around if it will make other family members happy, or actively not wanting one.

We have a ton of pets that dp wouldn't have chosen, but he isn't mean spirited enough to want me and the dds to forgo one of the biggest pleasures in our lives.

My dogs make me so happy, I know the desperation your son feels, I felt it too, for years. Aside from getting married, the day I picked up my dogs was one of the best days of my life ! However, it would have been so hard if DH wasn't fully on board. He feeds them, tops up their water, cleans their ears, picks up their poo in the garden, helped me train them and puts up with what was once a pristine house looking, well, not quite so perfect!

He adores them as much as me. It just wouldn't work if he didn't. It would change something wonderful, and sharing our house with two little bundles of love and fun is indeed, wonderful, into an often stressful experience.

Sorry, you all have to be on board for the dog's sake.

If parents get a dog it should be because they want one. A dog is a 5-10+ year commitment and shouldn't be made because DC want one, especially when they're a couple of years away from leaving.

If your DH doesn't want one then he doesn't want one. It's not just about you being willing to do all the dog things, you've got to consider: the mess of dogs around the house, any damage to your garden, whether you have the time to do proper walks for the dog, whether the dog would be left alone (and whether it will cause issues if you expect DH to be around for the dog when you go out), whether you visit family/friends regularly, your holiday choices, when DC leave home will you want the ties of a dog? Etc.
It's almost impossible to have a dog in a household that doesn't affect everyone.

I know a family that takes in guide dog puppies before they go to guide dog training- it’s short term for something like 3 months at a time. Could that be a compromise? Failing that see if there is a neighbour whose dog your son could walk regularly. They might even pay him!

I got a cat cos my husband got drunk and said l could get one after years of me wanting one. Turns out the cat is a little shit who as much as l love him, is a pain in the arse. Husband regrets saying we can have one all the time and if l had my time again, l probably wouldn't get one.

I don't live with dogs, I won't live with dogs, if you brought a dog into my house either you and the dog would leave or I would leave. People who don't want dogs do not have to live with dogs and no poor dog should have to live in a home where it is not universally wanted.

What about signing up to walkmydoggy.com where they match you up with people who for whatever reason can't take their dogs out

I think there's a difference between your dp not wanting a dog, being happy to have one around if it will make other family members happy, or actively not wanting one.

This

We have 2 old cats and dh knew when we married that cats were part of the deal. He’s surprised how much he likes them (15 years on) and he’s polite about cat 2 who was my granny’s before she became unable to care for him. He’s 17 and on daily pills and wakes us at 4-5am most mornings. He tolerates it because he loves me and it’s my granny’s cat but I think he’ll be relieved and only a little sad when he dies. He’s always been a dog person but work didn’t really allow for that.

I hear you; I'd love a dog too, and DH has always been clear that he doesn't. I've floated out it there a few times in recent years but he's still a clear no. So I've made my peace with getting one when I'm an older lady (on the assumption that poor DH will go first!). Of course by then I might be too old to have one, but it helps me feel better about things right now anyway!

Unfortunately I think the one who doesn't want one tops the one who does. In my case I discussed this early on as not wanting pets would have been a deal breaker for me

but he isn't mean spirited enough to want me and the dds to forgo one of the biggest pleasures in our lives.

It's not "mean spirited" to not want to take on a dog for 15 years.