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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to get a dog when my husband doesn't want one.

248 replies

BBOA · 28/05/2020 23:48

My DS has been desperate for a dog for literally 10 years. Now 15. Like really desperate. DH is not an animal lover as was never brought up with them. DD is 12 and not that fussed about animals either. Couldn't even remember the names of her goldfish and didn't cry when one died! I love dogs and grew up with them so wouldn't be adverse to getting one. Maybe a dog rather than a puppy though as I'd prefer to give a rescue one a home. We compromised with a rabbit 6 years ago but lockdown has brought it all up again. Interested to hear how others have dealt with this issue. I know it's a big thing in terms of cost, time, commitment and £££, but convince me why DH gets the last word please. How have others got over this hurdle?

OP posts:
Dozer · 29/05/2020 08:07

“ Your ds is going to remember he wasn’t allowed a dog because of dad. Is that how your dh wants him to remember his childhood?“ Hmm

We don’t have pets, despite DCs’ strong wishes. Full time work/commuting, time, money and health conditions. If, once adults, having pets is important to DC they have the option to make decisions to make that possible.

It’s never sensible to assume that one adult will take all responsibility for a pet: lots can happen to mean that the other would become responsible, temporarily or permanently, and some aspects of having pets inevitably affect everyone in the home, eg having to get back within X time, smells, hair.

GrimmsFairytales · 29/05/2020 08:09

I agree with the others who say a 15 yr old is likely to lose interest pretty quickly. If there has never been a dog in the family then he won't realise how restrictive and mundane dog ownership can be. Of course there are lots of lovely parts, but the thought of owning a dog is often very different from the reality.

He's also at an age where he is likely to out more with friends, perhaps in a few years he'll go to traveling or to uni. Your husband is against, and you seem very ambivalent about it, yet it's very likely you'll be the ones stuck with the dog.

I wouldn't do it in your situation, he has the rest of his life to own a dog.

oohnicevase · 29/05/2020 08:09

The only thing is he will probably leave home in 5 years and the dog will no doubt live up to 15 so if you are happy with that crack on . I would have thought the time for him to have a dog has passed until he is an adult though .

Ragwort · 29/05/2020 08:11

Totally agree Jennifer - dogs do smell and you can always tell when you visit a home with a dog, just like people say he/she just wants to be friendly' when their dogs slobber and shed hair all over you.

Singinginshower · 29/05/2020 08:12

Is your DH someone who is resistant to change generally OP?
I note that some previous posters have said that with their unwilling DH, once the dog was present as a member of the family the DH adapted and loved the dog, and this was certainly the case with ours.
Also, I think it's different if it is the person who didn't want the dog is the person being left to look after it.

I think if you can put your hand on your heart and be sure that you and DS love the dog, and will be happy to be the daily walkers etc, then it is worth your DH reconsidering.

cologne4711 · 29/05/2020 08:12

If my DH did that to me, I would seriously consider leaving him over it

Me too. I don't know what the average dog's lifespan in is but I wouldn't want to be in the same house as a dog for 5 minutes, never mind 10-15 years.

OP your ds can get one when he's old enough to have his own place and is responsible enough to look after it.

What I would say though is you know whether your DH actually likes dogs even though he didn't grow up with pets, and might come round, whereas I never would. But for a 15 year old it hardly seems worth it. If your ds were 5 it might be different.

Jennifer2r · 29/05/2020 08:14

If you were my partner and got a dog against my wishes with the idea that I might "come round to it" I'd be absolutely fucking furious. Its an awful manipulative thing to do.

zscaler · 29/05/2020 08:16

It has to be a shared decision, unfortunately, and the person who doesn’t want one’s wishes trump those of the person who does.

You could try and talk to your husband about his specific concerns and see if you can reassure him on them, but if his decision is firm then you have to accept it.

worldsworststepfordwife · 29/05/2020 08:16

@Dozer

“ Your ds is going to remember he wasn’t allowed a dog because of dad. Is that how your dh wants him to remember his childhood?“ Hmm

We don’t have pets, despite DCs’ strong wishes. Full time work/commuting, time, money and health conditions. If, once adults, having pets is important to DC they have the option to make decisions to make that possible.

It’s never sensible to assume that one adult will take all responsibility for a pet: lots can happen to mean that the other would become responsible, temporarily or permanently, and some aspects of having pets inevitably affect everyone in the home, eg having to get back within X time, smells, hair.

Absolutely can you imagine in a couple of years the lads in a relationship, going out with mates on nights out, going on friend holidays .meanwhile you can’t go on holiday without thinking what you’re doing with the dog and trying to have a life while thinking I can only leave the dog for four hours hmm

I have a dog she’s nearly 8 my kids are 15 17 and are useless, I timed getting the dog specifically so that when the kids are up and away the dog will have passed allowing me and oh to enjoy the next phase of our life with no responsibilities, whilst having happy memories of having a dog we all adored

MoMagic · 29/05/2020 08:17

My df didn’t want a dog when we were kids. I remember we asked for one for years, with him saying no. Then neighbours dog had puppies and offered us one and dm agreed. I remember my dad being in a strop and saying he’s never going to look after him or clean any mess etc. One week later, the puppy is sleeping in bed with df, he’s calling him ‘my baby’ and telling us off if we’re too loud as it scares the dog! That dog was my dads best friend for 16 years!

GreyishDays · 29/05/2020 08:19

We were in a similar situation but talked DH round.
We got a rescue greyhound who is

Not too smelly
Hardly moults
Was 75% toilet trained when we got her
Only needs 20 minutes walk once or twice a day
Is very chilled and hardly ‘there’ as she sleeps ALL day
Can now be left 4 hours in the day
Slept all night from day one

Our local greyhound rescue does a weekly session where you go and walk them. She was so easy on the lead and so calm that we were all won over.

BUT it was still a massive change for us. We did have to remember to put her out every 90 minutes to begin with. She also growled a few times and we were all scared. (Got a behaviourist in and worked things out.) She’s also scared of other dogs which limits where we can walk.

So not as easy as it look on paper.

I’d agree, you can’t get a dog if your husband doesn’t want one, but can he maybe be convinced?

Aragog · 29/05/2020 08:23

Yanbu to want to get a dog but you wooing be unreasonable to go and get one without his agreement.

I'd be furious if Dh went and got a dog without me agreeing to it. I don't want a dog living in my house and curtailing our days out and holidays away, and all the other restrictions having a pet entails. I don't want the responsibility of a pet at home.

LakieLady · 29/05/2020 08:30

Maybe I will think about rehoming DH instead 😅

I'd do it if DP said we couldn't have another dog when my old girl shuffles off (although I may decide not to myself, as I think I'm getting too old and decrepit to really give a young dog what it needs).

I've loved dogs since before I could talk and have spent the majority of my life sharing it with a dog, sometimes two.

OP, do you have any friends with nice, easygoing dogs that you could occasionally dog sit for, as a favour? If your DH realised how little hassle they can be he might change his mind. My ex wasn't at all into dogs until he met me, and he came to really love our two.

altiara · 29/05/2020 08:39

Can you sign up to Borrow my Doggy?

SoupDragon · 29/05/2020 08:39

If anyone wants to borrow a hyperactive spaniel, just shout!

Coulddowithanap · 29/05/2020 08:45

We started fostering retired/rescue greyhounds. We would have them for over the weekend of for up to a couple of weeks so just short term stuff. As a pp said greyhounds are easy to look after, only needing short walks, they are remarkably lazy!

TheBusDriver · 29/05/2020 08:47

Take the bull by its horn and get one. All this planning and having to check with each other is so meh

SoupDragon · 29/05/2020 09:04

Seriously? You think it's fine to make a life changing decision without everyone being onboard? Confused

GrimmsFairytales · 29/05/2020 09:06

@TheBusDriver

Take the bull by its horn and get one. All this planning and having to check with each other is so meh
Oh yeah make a huge life changing decision without consulting the other family members, what could possibly go wrong. Hmm

How irresponsible.

RiverRover · 29/05/2020 09:17

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request

AriadnesFilament · 29/05/2020 09:22

He’s 15.

Even if you get a rescue, your son will be off living his own life and moving into adulthood well before the dog is dead - what happens to it then given that out of the 4 people in the house he’s the only one who actively wants it? Is he taking it with him to uni/his first house share/when he gets his first flat alone/moves in with his first girlfriend (or boyfriend)? It would be the height of irresponsibility to get a dog in these circumstances IMO.

MaryLennoxsScowl · 29/05/2020 09:24

DH and I both had dogs growing up so there was an initial baseline of him not disliking dogs, but he thought they’d be a tie. When I started a part-time job and topped it up with freelancing from home twice a week I felt lonely when at home and frequently didn’t leave the house all day. Walking on my own round the park felt weird. I wanted a dog for company and to walk with and because I like them and we could now get one as I’d be home part-time. I spent something like 6 months convincing DH that it was a good idea and then we got a puppy (we did look at rescues too but didn’t find a good match). DH and the dog adore each other and are so sweet together! However, the key thing is that I was the one who’d be doing the bulk of the care logistics - I’m both the one who is home regularly (pre-cv) and who sorts out his daycare - I found a dog sitter for his early puppy days and arranged with my mum to take him one day, and take him to work and found a new daycare when his sitter moved away. I organised insurance and puppy training classes. DH absolutely does his share and it’s half and half now, but I think if it had been he who was at home more it would have needed to be he who was really keen. I’ve read threads on here with women who’ve been browbeaten into agreeing to dogs they don’t want and then got landed with all the work as they’re at home more frequently, even though they weren’t particularly keen on a dog. Would you be the one who in practice looks after the dog day to day? I think you can legitimately try to talk someone into something if you’re going to do the bulk of the work and if they don’t have a serious aversion such as being allergic or frightened or strongly disliking dogs (like some posters on here). I got DH to tell me why he wasn’t keen (turned out he was cherishing this idea of us as a couple who dashed off on holiday on a whim, which we never do anyway, they’re always preplanned, and my mum lives nearby and would look after a dog while we were away anyway and so would my sister) and then countered his arguments and explained how it would work logistically. I also said not now, after our big holiday, so he didn’t feel railroaded. Good luck! Also, show him many videos of puppies.

motherheroic · 29/05/2020 09:28

You compromised and got a rabbit and now you're the only one stuck looking after it. You have your answer right there and it is a no.

MaryLennoxsScowl · 29/05/2020 09:37

Plus, we are a couple who a) like going for long walks, b) go jogging (him more than me), c) live somewhere with loads of dog-friendly pubs, and d) are not house-proud to the extent that people on here are - I am proud of the house in the sense that I chose the decor and furniture and we did lots of DIY, but we don’t keep it anywhere near showroom condition. So a dog fits in well with our lifestyle and a bit of fur on the furniture is neither here nor there. What’s your situation? Does a dog suit your lifestyle?

Stefoscope · 29/05/2020 09:42

I wouldn't when half of the household doesn't want to get one. As a child I desperately wanted to get a dog, but my Dad and brother don't like them so we didn't. I do own one now, but both me and DP are dog lovers, so we share the work. They are a lot of work and we have an older greyhound who doesn't need a great deal of exercise. I do think dogs can sense when someone doesn't like them and I'm not sure it would be easy to train a dog who doesn't feel fully accepted into his 'pack'.