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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to get a dog when my husband doesn't want one.

248 replies

BBOA · 28/05/2020 23:48

My DS has been desperate for a dog for literally 10 years. Now 15. Like really desperate. DH is not an animal lover as was never brought up with them. DD is 12 and not that fussed about animals either. Couldn't even remember the names of her goldfish and didn't cry when one died! I love dogs and grew up with them so wouldn't be adverse to getting one. Maybe a dog rather than a puppy though as I'd prefer to give a rescue one a home. We compromised with a rabbit 6 years ago but lockdown has brought it all up again. Interested to hear how others have dealt with this issue. I know it's a big thing in terms of cost, time, commitment and £££, but convince me why DH gets the last word please. How have others got over this hurdle?

OP posts:
MintyCedric · 29/05/2020 07:06

Maybe I will think about rehoming DH instead 😅

My husband was not a cat person and was adamant that we weren't having one.

I now have an ex-husband and two cats!

Seriously though, I think the point a PP made that in 3 years time your DS could be away at uni, or even working full time and otherwise generally doing his own thing, does rather moot his input.

Also if your DH has a reason to actively dislike dogs, that it a bit more significant than just a generic 'meh' about them.

Hmmmm88 · 29/05/2020 07:18

I had the exact same situation with my DH 7 and a half years ago. He didn't want a dog because he loves his garden and didn't want it ruined he also said the house will smell came up with a few reasons. I swore if we got a dog i would walk it 3 times a day so it would not mess in the garden i promised I'd wash the dog regularly and wash the dogs bed weekly.

I grew up with dogs and was desperate for one.

We did get one he eventually reluctantly agreed.

We got a beautiful rescue dog 7 & a half years ago. I stuck to my side of the agreement the beds washed weekly dogs washed regularly and he's walked 3 times a day. My DH absolutely adores the dog they have such a close bond which i never expected. The dog waits on the drive listening for DH van after work and they are both equally as excited to see each other.

I have zero regrets in bugging him to let me have a dog. DH regularly says he'd hate to be without a dog now which i never in a million years thought I'd ever hear him say.

SoupDragon · 29/05/2020 07:19

I have a dog. I wanted a dog, the kids wanted a dog so we got one ... 11 years later and I would never ever have another one. I love him but I hate being a dog owner.

LesleysChestnutBob · 29/05/2020 07:19

My parents have a dog and they always have to leave get togethers early as they can only leave the dog for a couple of hours

Yeah that's a massive plus in my book!

Bienentrinkwasser · 29/05/2020 07:23

My dad didn’t want a dog.

Dad and dog are inseparable. He loves that dog more than he loves me and my brother 😂

Roselilly36 · 29/05/2020 07:28

It’s really hard OP, but I agree you need to be onboard as a family to make it work.

Megatron · 29/05/2020 07:29

The inconvenience, the smell, the constant vigilance required to stop it bolting out and killing itself every time you need to open a door, the poo in the garden, the drool, the weeping eyes, stains around their mouths

The only thing my dog does in your list is poo in the garden. We trained him to use the little piece of garden down the side of the house so he goes once after breakfast and once after tea. They're both immediately cleaned up. No big deal.

@AfterSchoolWorry What kind of dog has constantly weeping eyes and stains around the mouth? I'm genuinely interested I'm not trying to convince you to like them I promise! 😁 They are a huge commitment though (I wouldn't say inconvenience because we don't mind).

OP please don't get a dog if your DH isn't on board with it, it's not fair on him or the dog.

vanillandhoney · 29/05/2020 07:42

Sorry OP but I agree with the majority. If your DH doesn't want a dog then it's not fair to get one. Dogs have a huge impact on your life - days out have to be dog friendly, no going straight from work to the pub because you'll need to sort the dog out, and holidays have be dog friendly or else you have to pay for boarding on top of your normal holiday costs.

I love my dog and he fits around our lives perfectly but we were never the type to go out straight from work - our days out involve dog friendly activities anyway, same with our holidays. And the big plus is family can watch him for us at the last minute if necessary so we're not especially tied down by him in the way others are.

I now work with dogs and I have clients whose dogs can't be left at all because they either bark and cry or destroy their house and their lives have been massively impacted in a negative way by their dogs - and these are people who wanted their dogs 100%. I wouldn't want to inflict that on someone who never wanted a dog to start with.

supercilioussal · 29/05/2020 07:44

I was your DS. A dog was all I ever wanted.

When I was older, I lived in central London in a flat and it wasn’t the right environment.

Now I have a bigger house with a garden and DC who talk about it daily... and a DH who says never ever. It’s breaking my heart!

If you find a way to persuade him and he becomes keen on the idea, let me know

Dozer · 29/05/2020 07:51

The one who doesn’t want the pet gets the veto because having a pet entails high cost, time and effort, over a long period of time, and being unwanted or not looked after properly would be unfair on the animal.

You’re being doubly U if you both WoH.

Pretty standard that your DS would like a dog and not a strong reason to get one. Lots of DC want pets (or different pets) and can’t have them, mine included. When they’re adults they may choose or come to be in a situation when they can have them, with the responsibilities.

vanillandhoney · 29/05/2020 07:51

Oh and one of my dealbreakers has always been pets! I grew up not being allowed any animals and always said to myself I would have pets as an adult - one of the first questions I asked DH was whether he wanted a dog one day - if he'd have said no I'd probably not have continued the relationship Wink

Luckily we both wanted animals and even wanted the same breed so it must have been meant to be! Said dog is now two and a half and we're now seriously considering a second!

Ragwort · 29/05/2020 07:51

A 15 year old is very likely to lose the initial enthusiasm once he realises there is lots of walking, poo picking up, all the other aspects that come with owning a dog (& presumably the parents will be paying for the food, vet bills, insurance etc etc). There are loads of opportunities to walk dogs, especially at the moment, any dog owners are having to self isolate.

Has your DS shown any interest in helping to walk dogs?

dottiedodah · 29/05/2020 07:53

Well I adore dogs so my reaction is like yours ,why does he get the last word? Many people have broken up over less! Can you speak to him and explain that both you and your DS would like a dog .He is 15 and thats a nice age for a pooch .Maybe see what kind of dog ,maybe a small non shedder? Lots of Cockapoo types .For me this would be a deal breaker Im afraid .

heartsonacake · 29/05/2020 07:56

YABVU. The person who doesn’t want the dog trumps the person who does, same as with a child.

You can’t force someone to live with an animal they don’t want. They would resent it and you and it would create irreparable cracks in your relationship.

A dog would impact on everyone. He’d have to put up with the smell, the hair, the dirt and chaos it would cause, the noise. No, it’s not acceptable to make someone suffer through that.

Kittenlicker · 29/05/2020 07:59

I did this. My husband wasn’t massively keen. It caused a lot of stress and he never really took to the dog at all. We argued constantly about the dog and he felt owning one was very restrictive and stressful. Big mistake (for us).

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/05/2020 08:00

I don’t think it is fair to compare getting a dog with having another child as with the latter both parents absolutely need to be on board. My thought would be why should one person veto two; your dd seems rather ambivalent, therefore not really getting a vote.

Your ds is going to remember he wasn’t allowed a dog because of dad. Is that how your dh wants him to remember his childhood? If he doesn’t have to clean up or look after the dog in any respect, what is his objection? He doesn’t like them? Or he doesn’t appreciate the need to have one?

Dh and I had had dogs in the past. When our dog died, dd pestered me to get another. Tbh I was not over grieving our last dog. But realised she had a very deep need to fill the gap.... She wanted something smallish. With my ailing health, I also needed something more manageable and could never have handled something over 15kg.

Dh would have been ok for a big dog but refused point blank to consider this one. I went ahead and got the dog, which fitted in our family. He was gooey eyed as soon as our lovely boy walked through the door. He’s a dog lover so I know it’s different.

ScarfLadysBag · 29/05/2020 08:01

Yeah I think it's just a relationship fundamental and nothing to be done at this stage. I'm a dog lover so wouldn't be with someone who wasn't as having a dog is really important to me. But you're a bit late for that Grin so just have to deal with as best you can!

Leakinglikeacolander · 29/05/2020 08:02

I am the person in our house who didn't want a dog, but we got one.
3 years in and I haven't fallen in love with him, or become the one he is most attached to and all that stuff.
He has a negative effect on my life on a practical and psychological level for many of the reasons stated previously.

worldsworststepfordwife · 29/05/2020 08:03

The only way there’s going to be a dog in your house is if it’s your dog you’ve got teenagers/adult about to spread their wings going out with friends etc their effort with the dog will be an occasional pat

Jennifer2r · 29/05/2020 08:04

Lots of dog lovers here who think theur dogs don't smell.. They absolutely do, guaranteed some dogs smell better than others but I can always smell them in a home. You probably like the smell and don't notice it. Not a criticism but just to say that its not for everyone.

I would also hate the restrictions that being a decent responsible dog owner brings.

A dog is a huge commitment and if you were ill or disabled or died he'd have to carry on looking after it.

LittleCandle · 29/05/2020 08:05

You may intend to do everything connected to the dog, but inevitably there will come a time when you want your DH to walk/feed/whatever. However much he may love the dog by then, it doesn't mean he won't hugely resent having to do these things.

GarlicMonkey · 29/05/2020 08:06

In addition to all of the other advice. Please don't fall into the trap of thinking a small dog is a compromise. Our 2 are small & they're just as much 'dog' as a great dane....but with the added bonus of being able to trip you up.

ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings · 29/05/2020 08:06

I don't mind dogs, from a distance. I can tolerate my friends dogs in short bursts. I won't actively avoid the dogs at the park. But I would HATE to have a dog in my house. With a few exceptions they're noisy, bouncy, needy nightmares. If my dp brought a dog home without my agreement I'd be saying that either it went or I did.

Daisydoesnt · 29/05/2020 08:06

I'm sorry but has nobody noticed that the OP said she "wasn't adverse" to getting a dog. So that's one adult who is "not adverse" and one who definitely doesn't want one.

Getting a dog - a lifelong commitment to an animal - has to be on more than just the wants of a 15 year old child. It will be the parents who are looking after it when the child either 1) gets bored or 2) leaves home.

Kittenlicker · 29/05/2020 08:07

At 15 your son will have left home in 3 years and can get his own dog!

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